Universal trip

 We just returned from a week at Universal Studios in Orlando. We had previously planned to go last June but had to cancel with the pandemic. It was a very fun week but HOT,HOT, HOT and CROWDED,CROWDED,CROWDED. We stayed at one of the resorts that is on the property, Lowes Royal Pacific. It was a nice hotel but I felt that the Disney property we stayed at was a much better appointed room. The other issue we faced is nightly downpours that weren't just passing. They ruined two out of the four nights we were there. The main reason we stayed on property is to take advantage of the fast passes and to be able to get in early to the parks. We had park to park tickets which is essential if you want to see all of what Universal has to offer. This is especially true if you want to fully immerse yourself in the Harry Potter experience. The Harry Potter world was hands down worth every other inconvenience we experienced.  It is truly magical! 

We all knew it would be hot and crowded and it was! The kids loved all of the rides and had a wonderful time. Our friends who also lived in Portage but have since moved to Naples, FL joined us for a few days which was really fun. We noticed that there didn't seem to be enough staff at the hotel, or the parks. Many staff expressed that because many people are still receiving unemployment benefits they have had issues finding people to hire. After spending almost a year and a half in quarantine it was very overwhelming to be in such crowds. I felt like I needed a week to recover from it. 

We are back in Michigan and we can't believe it's already July. Caroline went to Camp Wakeshma this week. Jeff and Matthew are headed back to Portage to pick her up tomorrow and Matthew will be staying in Portage for the week. I am sure when Caroline finds out she will want to stay as well. Ellie was invited to go to her friend Violet's cottage and is gone through Tuesday. It will just be me and Winston this weekend! Jeff will come back on Sunday and we will have a boring fourth of July! 

Matthew has been very busy with football and he is also playing for the high school hockey team. He hurt his knee while we were gone and he has been trying to rest it so he can get back to training after next week's break. 

Jeff is having his parathyroid out next month at U of M. Due to all of his clotting issues he will have to be inpatient on intravenous anticoagulants before the surgery. We are anxious to find out the date as we will have to figure out where the kids will be. Right now the plan is for Matthew to stay in Oakland Twp as he will have football. Caroline and Ellie will go to Portage to be with Jeff's mom. The surgery itself isn't a huge deal. Jeff's body just likes to make everything more difficult. 😏

Soon enough it will be fall and we are hoping for a normal year with no masks!! We are excited to be able to go to Matthew's football games. Ellie is thrilled to be going to middle school. Caroline is go with the flow with school and doesn't seem to be overly excited to go to high school. Matthew just dreads homework. 😉

 

I saw this on a blog I read regularly and thought it would be neat to answer them to read back on one day!

1. Life in early 2020 was busy with kids activities. Hockey, swimming and school took up much of our time. Jeff was commuting an hour to an hour and half each way to work. 

2. The biggest change was life came to a screeching halt. School stopped, sports stopped, Jeff and I began working from home. Well, one of my jobs briefly went remote. I continued to go in for my palliative care job. 

3. At first it was to cook more and just enjoy the slow down. We ordered Home Chef and stopped eating out completely. We used more of what we had in our pantry. However we certainly indulged in more comfort foods. Hence the quarantine weight we've worked hard to take off! 

4. The biggest change I would say is our kids got some much closer. The girls especially spent nearly all their time together. Some days it felt like an extended break for a holiday. It wasn't bad at all until I went to work and saw the gruesome reality of covid. 

5. I will remember how it impacted my work life most. It has been devastating helping families through covid. The visitor restrictions have been brutal. I will never forget how surreal the hospital felt during April 2020. It felt like you were in a war. I will remember how when I would drive in to the hospital there was literally no one else on the road but me on a Monday morning. I will remember thinking that our kids went weeks without leaving the house. 

6. My biggest challenge was having to support people through a crisis we've never experienced in our lifetime. Although it was a challenge I definitely saw the best in my healthcare coworkers. 

7. A beautiful memory was when a patient died and no family could be there. A group of us stood around their bed and said the "Our father". 

8. I believe that you don't have control over one dang thing in this life so stop sweating the small stuff and live. I can't believe how much my views on animals have changed since we added our precious puppy, Winston to our home last May.

9. I don't think I would do anything differently! I think we all did the best we could. 

10. I will carry forward that I am lucky to have survived the pandemic relatively unscathed. Being so close to those who lost so much I know how blessed I am. I will carry forward how hard the healthcare community worked. I will carry forward that there is more good in people than bad. 

2021 so far...an update.

 Well, well, well here we are in 2021. I think we all were hoping that 2021 wouldn't be a crappy as 2020 was. As far as we're concerned the jury is still out. Jeff had to have three stents placed in his heart in September. He was scheduled to have one of his parathyroid's removed today actually. To clear him for surgery his cardiologist ordered a nuclear stress test. Unfortunately the test showed abnormalities and he had to have another heart cath last week that found that he has a blood clot in his circumflex artery. The cardiologist tried everything possible to clear it and was unsuccessful. Jeff is on two blood thinners. There isn't much more he could do to manage his body's desire to clot his blood. 

It was a very anxiety filled week. It was the last thing we wanted to hear honestly. But then we decided to embrace to positives. The clot is not in one of the two main arteries. As the cardiologist stated, "That would be very bad." Jeff has no symptoms of his heart not functioning well and his cardiologist said it looks great from a function standpoint. We continue to cling to our faith in God to help us not live with the anxiety of "What ifs?" Jeff's parathyroid surgery has been pushed until July. We are still planning on going to Cleveland Clinic to make sure there is nothing else we can do to manage his clotting disorder or his heart. 

The kids are back in school full time. They are enjoying it for the most part. Matthew is playing spring hockey for his high school team. He is also training for football. I don't think he realized that its a full time commitment but it has made him much stronger. We are excited for the Fall season. Ellie continues to swim for Oly. We are trying to convince Caroline to try cross country this fall. She has established a little routine of working out with different YouTube videos weekly. Jeff and I purchased a Peloton in December. It arrived at the end of February and I love it! We've never had workout equipment in our home before. Our home here has a designated workout room in our finished basement so it is perfect. I can't say enough positive things about it. The workouts have helped me physically and mentally. Jeff was also using it until this latest health hiccup, but has full clearance to resume next week! 

We took a trip to Orange Beach, AL for Spring Break. We stayed in a condo that had amazing views of the ocean. We were able to meet up with some friends from Portage too. It was a nice break before returning to such medical drama! We are still planning on taking our trip to Universal Studios in June that we had to reschedule due to covid last year. Caroline is returning to Camp Wakeshma in June as well. 

We continue to slowly make this side of the state home. It continues to be hard.  Many days I still feel like it is a temporary situation. It just doesn't feel like home yet.  Thankfully the kids seem to have all made some really nice friends which always helps my mom heart to know they are settling in. I am thankful for facetime and texting that allows me to have connections to my beloved friends back in Portage. It has been an interesting journey for me as far as friends go over the past year. I had a falling out with some friends about a year ago. Despite trying to my best to own my part in the whole situation many of those friendships have fallen away.  I continue to struggle with that because I have known these girls for years. However, I can't make anyone talk things through, be reasonable or accept my apologies.  I also realize my truth certainly isn't the truth others in this group believe. I have decided to chalk it up to sometimes people are in your life for a long season and those relationships can end too. I definitely felt like I put up with some things just because we had been friends for a long time. The gift of moving away from Portage is I realized that because I knew a lot of people just from living there for thirteen years I wasn't very discerning about friendships. I ignored red flags and my gut far too often. I am realizing that I don't need to be surrounded by a huge group of friends. I need the right friends for me in the stage of life that I am in now. That realization has brought me peace. 

Work continues to be very impacted by Covid. I am weary and long for normalcy. I am tired of patients being sick in the hospital and their family can't visit. I am over all of the quarantines. I feel like I am running out of things to tell my counseling clients who feel despair over the continued restrictions that are in place in our state. 

2021 so far looks much like 2020. I will continue to cling to the goodness of the many blessings we have. God continues to show us mercy and protection. He provides a way even in our most anxious hours. That will be true no matter what health crisis, pandemic of lost friendships come our way! 

We hope you're hanging in there and well! 

Thankful 2020

 I rarely visit this space anymore. However if there was ever a year to focus on the things I am thankful for it is 2020! Here goes...

10. Our new puppy, Winston. I am completely smitten by this little maltipoo. We got him in May, and the timing could not have been more perfect. He is sweet, sometimes spicy and always snuggly. 

9. Feeling like Rochester/Oakland twp is home. It has taken two years but I am loving this area more and more.

8. My kid's ages. The kids are now 15,14 and 11. I have said for sometime now that I thought parenting would be easier for me when we were out of the toddler/little kid phase. So far I am right. I really love the conversations we have , the jokes we share and that they don't wake me up to watch Disney Jr at 6am!

7. Jeff's health. We had another scare this fall with Jeff's heart. He ended up getting three stents. He is also struggling with issues with high calcium levels and will have his parathyroid out this winter. Through all of the stress we have continued to see God's protection and grace. 

6. My health. I have had a full year of no growth in my pancreatic neuroendocrine tumor. I have another scan on December 1st. I am hopeful that it is stable again. 

5. Job security. Through all of the covid craziness both Jeff and I have remained employed. We do not take that for granted. My job has been especially heart wrenching as covid as wreaked havoc on our communities. 

4. Our home. I really adore it. Last night we were watching a Christmas movie surrounded by the loads of Christmas lights I have all over, and I felt truly content. 

3. My parents moving closer. Although they still live an hour away, it is much improved from the six we had before. My kids love that Grandma and Papa are close by. 

2. Friendships. These past two years of living away from close friends has made me realize that maybe I am not someone who needs lots of friends. I had always been someone who made friends rather easily. I have come to accept that at this stage in life, with kids that are older, it is more difficult. It has also made me more discerning about which friendships are worth investing in, and which are ok to let go of. It has been a silver lining. 

1. My faith. Always and forever and especially throughout this year. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him. And he will make your paths straight. We continue to trust in the our faith and not try and figure everything out. 

We wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. It will be different this year as we've decided to stay home and celebrate with our immediate family. I am reminded of one of my favorite Christmas carols "Have yourself a Merry little Christmas" and the line, "Someday soon we all will be together, if the fates allow. Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow." Here's to making the best of our collective muddling. 

Winston the puppy and the new normal

Well it took a pandemic, but we got a puppy! Winston the maltipoo joined us mid May!  As it became more apparent that our world would not be getting back to normal anytime soon. All of our summer plans were cancelled,including a highly anticipated trip to Universal Studios.  We decided there was no better time to get a puppy, and have the time to devote to training him. I had been looking at different options over the past few months of different dogs that I thought would be a good fit for our family. Jeff initially wanted a bigger dog, but I tend to have more allergies with dogs who shed and honestly I didn't want the hair and upkeep of a big dog. I saw my friend post a picture of her adorable little dog and asked what breeder she used. One thing lead to another and I connected with her and discovered she had two pups that were ready that weekend for a new home! We scrambled and purchsed all of the supplies needed to bring little Winston home. We named him Winston after the MSU basketball player, Cassius Winston. He is absolutely adorable! He is sweet and cuddly but also playful. We are bell training him. Two and a half weeks in he seems to have a good handle on it. Although  he does like to ring it when he wants to go out and play. It really has been the best time to get a dog because honestly there is little to look forward to right now. We are still under a stay at home until June 12. Most things are still closed ,and a mask is required wherever we go. Our neighborhood pool is not opening this summer.  Baseball and softball have been cancelled.

The kids are wrapping up their online learning ,and I can't wait until they are done. It has felt like it was mostly me nagging them to make sure they were zooming and getting assignments turned in a timely manner. I pray we do not have to continue online learning in the fall. I try not to think too much about what's next because honestly there isn't anything I can do.  I am not going to ruin my summer worrying about what if?

Speaking of what if, my MRI has been delayed twice now as it was not deemed medically necessary during the Covid outbreak. It will finally happen next week.  I'm ready to just get it over with.and find out if my mass is stable or will require major surgery.  Jeff continues to work from home, and it is likely he will be doing it for the rest of the summer if not longer. 

Overall we have handled the quarantine well as a family. The girls have been getting along wonderfully. It has been nice to just be together as a family and spend time doing things we don't have time for usually. I am eager for some aspects of normal life to return like haircuts and restaurants! We've tried to find the silver linings of the pandemic like Winston and all the time we've been able to spend with him is definitely a blessing! 

We hope your staying safe wherever you are!

Covid-19

I had all intentions of not posting here anymore. Then a pandemic hit, and I feel like I want to document how our world looks right now. We live in Oakland Twp which is about forty-five minutes from Detroit. Our area has been hard hit. I work at both an Ascension hospital in Rochester ,and at St. Joe Oakland in Pontiac, Michigan. My Ascension job has gone to a virtual role as our family medicine clinic is only doing telehealth visits right now.  I try to reach patients on the phone but it has definitely been hit or miss. I also have been trying to support our medical residents who have been staffing Ascension Rochester's Covid unit.  At St.Joe I work with the pain and palliative care team as their medical social worker. It has been a hard month. Our visitor restrictions have made it that we must facilitate all meetings with families virtually. Having end of life discussions via Facetime is not for the faint of heart. It makes already difficult conversation even more heart wrenching. It feels impersonal, and we are desperate to give patients and families the personal connection they desperately are seeking. When I  leave the hospital I drive home on an eerily empty highway that would usually be heavy with traffic, to the kids and Jeff, who is exclusively working from home. At first I didn't mind not having to rush to a myriad of  sporting events, but now it just seems boring and weird when I am home.
The kids are actually handling all of this well. They all enjoy being home staying up late and sleeping in. They are good students so they can definitely handle the demands of virtual school. Of course Matthew and Caroline need frequent reminders that this is not an extended vacation.
Jeff has been dealing with a high calcium issue and needs to have his parathyroid out. It was originally scheduled for June,but now who knows? I have my six month MRI follow up for my pancreatic neuroendocrine tumor on May 5. This is my second surveillance MRI and my anxiety is always high for about three weeks; two weeks before the actual scan and the week I am waiting to hear my results. I am more anxious this time because if I have to have a major surgery, now is certainly not the time to do so with the entire healthcare system basically shut down. I was actually surprised that my MRI was not impacted by Covid. So between Jeff's parathyroid and my pancreas life continues to have this underlying stress even without a pandemic. However what that past five years has taught us is life can be tough but you just have to keep going. Finding joy in the little things really does make a big difference!
I am grateful that the kids aren't little as they have to manage mostly by themselves when it comes to school during the day as I am at the hospital three days a week and Jeff work is demanding as ever.
It has been sweet to seem them growing closer together and hanging out nicely.
I hope wherever you are that you and your family are managing! I know that many people have been furloughed and that the weight of this all is emotionally very heavy for all of us. Keep your chin up and look for that one thing everyday that makes you smile!

2020 and 15 years and goodbye!

Happy New Year! I will join in the masses in lamenting about how crazy it seems that it is 2020! I started this blog fifteen years ago! Reading back on all of my memories with the kids, lessons learned, seasons of life weathered has been such a gift.
2019 was not the easiest year. I had a job I absolutely loathed and worked with some really horrible people. Fake and mean spirited and go behind your back and try and get you in trouble when you are at the Mayo clinic getting a pancreatic tumor investigated kind. I am so happy to say I have found two part-time jobs that I enjoy. I work as a palliative care MSW at a local hospital and as the MSW for a family practice office here in Rochester. I love the balance of both jobs.
My pancreas will continue to cause me issues in 2020 and for a while, in this decade I think. I had a pet scan a few weeks ago that confirmed I do have a small neuroendocrine tumor in the head of my pancreas. Before you freak out and think, "Oh my word, she has pancreatic cancer!" It isn't the same! Neuroendocrine tumors have a much better fate than their much better-known cousin of adenocarcinoma. Still, it is a cancerous lesion that I will have to deal with in the coming months if not years. Whether that means surgery or watchful waiting with scans every three months has yet to be determined. It has been stressful and I have realized that I appreciate an avoidant approach to health crises that affect me. In between scans and doctor appointments, it is very easy to just forget there is this pesky 1.6 cm lesion in me!
Despite the health issues we are all plugging away here in Oakland Twp. The kids continue to pine for Portage. I continue to be grateful for fresh starts and less stressful living. Making new friends here has continued to be difficult. I wish this was different for the kids but I don't mind as much. I am content with my life.
My word for 2020 is soften. I want to approach my life in a softer way. I can be harsh, critical, anxious and quick to anger. I don't appreciate this, and I am certain the kids and Jeff could do with less of it. I am still contemplating the best way to work on this.
I am not sure how many people have continued to check in to this space? But, I want to say thank you for taking the time to read here. I began this journey as a new mom to a six-month-old little boy. I leave as a mom of three teenage/tweenagers. I have been married for nearly seventeen years. I have gone from being a stay at home mom to a restless mom, to a licensed social worker. So many mistakes made but also so many lessons learned. God by my side and my Redeemer always!

Fresh starts

Today was the first day of school. Matthew is in eighth grade, Caroline is in seventh and Ellie is in fourth. I also started one of two new jobs today. I recently resigned from my position at hospice and have taken two new positions. The first job is working as a palliative care MSW at a hospital twenty hours a week and the second is at an academic family medicine clinic also as a medical social worker. I loved being back in my element today! I did not feel challenged at all with my previous position and felt like I didn't belong. However I will forever be grateful for the flexibility that job allowed in our year of transition to Rochester. I was home every day by 5. It was nice to be there for the kids as they have adjusted but I never felt fulfilled. I will be forever grateful for my work with the bereaved. Working with families after their loved ones died gave me such insight and will only help improve my work with palliative care patients and families.
We are settling in more and more here in Oakland Twp. Matthew and Jeff are busy with hockey. Jeff is coaching again. Matthew is proving to be the type of person, much like his dad, that people gravitate towards and look to for leadership. He is also like his dad in the fact that he doesn't like any attention. I am proud of the man he is becoming!
Caroline has really thrived here in Rochester and has a good group of nice friends. She is also very involved with the youth group at church. It has been awesome to see her excited about growing in her faith.
Our little Ellie Bellie just turned ten yesterday and is also finding her way. She really liked her school, Baldwin, when she changed in March and was excited to return. She is enjoying swimming weekly and we are considering adding a more competitive swim schedule.
Jeff is busy as ever and his laid back attitude continues to serve him well! His job has let up some in regards to not being so hellish! :)
I am due for an MRI November 1st to check on that dang neuroendocrine tumor! We are believing and praying for NO GROWTH!!!
Life continues to throw us some challenges but we are determined to keep on keeping on!

1.6 cm

Who would have ever thought that something as tiny as 1.6cm would cause me SUCH GRIEF!! It all started in April when I had my yearly physical and told my doctor that I thought it would be a good idea to have a colonoscopy. I had one back in my early twenties and was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. I have had symptoms off and on over the years, more off than on. My doctor agreed and ordered it. I was surprised that I didn't have to meet with the gastroenterologist. The office simply scheduled the procedure. I had that done at the end of April. After it was done the doctor said that my colon was fairly twisty and he could not see all of it with the scope and so he wanted me to have a CT scan which I had in early May. I heard nothing and in an uncharacteristic move thought, Well I guess no news is good news. That was until a week later when I received two voicemails, one from the doctor telling me I had a suspicious spot on my pancreas and another from a nurse who needed to schedule an MRI to further investigate. CUE freaking the freak out. Long story, which included such incompetence on part of the gastroenterologist's office, that I wanted to strangle their front desk staff, to an almost missed MRI due to said office's inability to get my insurance company the documentation that was needed to have the MRI approved, I was told I likely have a pancreatic endocrine tumor located in the head of my pancreas. I went to Mayo clinic this week and had prepared myself for needing to have a Whipple procedure. The surgeon I met with feels that I am a good candidate for active surveillance. Basically that means I will be scanned every 6 months to see if the 1.6 tumor grows at all.  If it does grow at all I will have to  have a Whipple. Apparently there are many of us walking around with neuroendocrine tumors, and they are grow at a slow pace. Usually. And there it is. The anxiety that I have mostly put to bed but still wants to rear its ugly head. I do not want an aggressive tumor or aggressive surgery to treat it. But, I realize, who does? The last several years have taught me nothing if that you're owed nothing and you can make all the plans you want but sometimes life gets in the way.
For now we are grateful that we can do nothing. We are back in Oakland Township and back to enjoying summer. I am back to studying for my licensing exam. We of course have grand plans to lose weight, spend more time together, and seize the day. But, the past two years have also taught me that real life gets in the way of gratitude more often than not and that it is a DAILY choice to see the goodness even when you feel down. That you have to chose the good food, the reading the book with your child over watching a movie, the date night over not talking about anything  but kids for months at a time, exercise instead of another season of Southern Charm.
I am grateful for Jeff. I have been quiet, withdrawn and moody. He has been patient, calm and steady. He is the voice of reason and calms the darkest of my fears. Our love isn't perfect, it is flawed. However with 20 plus years of relationship there is comfort in being known, and having the worst version of yourself loved. I feel like the worst version of myself has ruled "me" for awhile now. A 1.6 cm tumor has taught me that life can really come down to that. 1.6 cm's. A seemingly insignificant  amount with a huge impact on my entire life.

Sweet 16

Today Jeff and I celebrate sixteen years of marriage. The weather is very reminiscent of how it was back in 2003 when we said, "WE DO" at the front of the beautiful Stetson Chapel on the Kalamazoo College Campus. So much life has happened over those sixteen years.
This past year was one of the most stressful that we've endured. Uncertainties regarding jobs, listing our home in Portage, moving to the east side of the state, apartment living, finding our current home and helping three children adjust to a new city and new schools. We all miss so much of what we had in Portage but what we have in Rochester or Oakland Twp if you want to be technical , is each other. We don't have lots of friends to distract us from each other. We have been settling in and enjoying our home and each other. Most days, anyways!
Jeff's health crisis taught us to enjoy every day, even the ones that seem mundane. Just today I was nagging him about hiring a company to cut the lawn. Ever the accountant he was saying he could do it. I am the practical one that knows that a person who works from 7-8p.m can't possible fit it all in. I promise to give up lunches out and he says, Fine whatever. Knowing full and well that means I will only buy lunch three days a week. I love that I am able to have these "discussions" with him and do not take it for granted. I would chose Jeff Simpson over and over again. I was just telling a co worker today that when I met Jeff Simpson I was immediately attracted to him. He was funny and sweet and I just knew that we'd be a good match. It took a lot of work but I don't regret any of it.
Where I over think, Jeff is practical. When I am too hard on myself, Jeff reminds me of my strengths and where I have grown. When he thinks too much about the bottom line, I remind him that there are simply not enough hours in the day. When he bitches about hockey, I listen or at least pretend to. When he has a hard day at work, I am his greatest champion. We get each other. I can 100% be myself with him. He knows all of my highs and has been with me through every low.
You all know I love a good list! So, in honor of our 16th anniversary I think it is only fitting I list 16 things I have learned about marriage over the years!

16. Parenting brings out the best and worst of your spouse. It is not for the faint of heart! Having a partner that gets your style is CRUCIAL!

15. Never think you will NEVER do or will ALWAYS do anything. Life will throw you some major curveballs and it will shock the shit out of you how you play that!

14. Have the fundamentals in common. Sure Jeff and I don't like all of the same things. Hello. He is a huge sports enthusiast and I AM NOT! I love music, Jeff, no so much. But, we believe in the same God, have the same values and hate the same things about hockey coaches:)))))

13. Forgive each other, then forgive again.

12. Get over the socks left in two completely different places in the family room.

11. Love that your husband doesn't care about saving money by driving a craptastic car in order for your children to do the things they love!

10. Decide on each other every day!

9. Be playful, LAUGH.

8. Go out alone! Let's be real, this isn't happening every month but do make it a priority .

7. Text him something nice. Even if it has a mostly smart ass tone:))

6. Let him sleep in, even when you're wanting to be like, DUDE! The ping pong table has been at step 6 for three weeks!!

5. Remember that you almost lost him. Think of all of the memories you've been bless to make.

4. Make sure he always has clean underwear and socks!

3. Be intentional about sharing all you love about him with your children.

2. Pray for him. His health, his job, his friends.

1. Thank God every day for sending you the exact right mate for you. Is Jeff Simpson every one's cup of tea? NOPE! But he is my glass of champagne. Ok, I have taken it too far!

New home, new beginnings.

Tomorrow the Simpsons are moving into a new home. We are thrilled. Being patient and living in an apartment paid off for us. We found a beautiful, spacious home in Oakland Township about eight miles from where we currently are.  Matthew and Caroline will remain at Hart and Ellie will move to Baldwin Elementary. Thankfully my high school friend, Nicole's daughter is also in third grade at Baldwin and Ellie and she are in the same class. Ellie is excited for a new adventure. I appreciate that about Ellie, she is always up for a new adventure. Everyone has their own room in our new house. I began looking for homes in this area last March. I have SEEN many a house in this area. Add to that one of the most competitive seller's markets in recent years and I was, to quote Anne of Green Gables, "In the depths of despair." We had many realtors and I was OVER IT! But, my heart longed for a home, so I kept searching. I ended up meeting our realtor, Susan at an open house and she helped me and stuck with me, even when all the stress made me not the nicest of clients! When I walked into our home, I just felt that it was "ours". It may sound cheesy, but it is true. I feel like everything has fallen into place and we feel this is where we should be. I am so excited to have my home feel like mine again! When we prepared our Portage home to sell we "de-Simpson'd it". We went from warm, earthy tones to GRAY. ALL GRAY.  I have missed my things and I am 100% over apartment living.

The house we are moving into is in a subdivision with tons of kids! I am thrilled for our children and hope they make some good buddies there. I am hoping for decent neighbors as well ,but after the craziness that we've experienced with neighbors over the past years, I may stick with waving hello!
We are ready to be settled and make Rochester, or Oakland Township our home!

How do you measure?

I have been a bit podcast crazy lately. Listening to stories, and tales helps pass the sometimes long commutes I am subjected to.  One of my favorites is "Modern Love". It is a story of love, loss and redemption(this is taken directly from the narrator's description). I have listened to so many Modern Love podcasts and many bring me to tears. Important note, I don't cry easily, if ever.
Lately, the Modern Love podcasts have me thinking about the story of Jeff and I. It is a great story. Well, it is a great story to me and well, I think to anyone who knows us. After considering all that has happened to us in recent years I have decided this story needs to be written in words.
 I met Jeff Simpson in the spring of 1995. I was a junior at Michigan State University, and my roommate Pam had a serious boyfriend, Pat who had a friend named Jeff who he thought I would like. They decided on a casual introduction one late Thursday night. I entered the family room of the musty home, and saw Jeff, splayed out on the couch watching Sports Center. This will always make me smile because 25 years later this is Jeff Simpson on any given night! Pam and Pat cordially introduced me to him and Jeff, in all of his gentlemaness mustered a "Hey" from the laying down position on the couch. I was not impressed. I remember leaving that evening and telling Pam and Pat, "Thanks, I think he is my future husband!" INSERT all the sarcasm. Fast forward two weeks when the group of guys Jeff lived with threw a party, add some keg style miller light and this girl was COMPLETELY smitten with one Jeff Simpson. Ask anyone, I had my fare share of crushes in my life up until now and I don't know what happened but I was SMITTEN. I quickly guzzled some miller lite and with liquid courage running through my veins, boldly (ok, mostly drunkedly I asked him out).  He said, "Sure" which is still a signature Jeff Simpson answer! I wish I could say we lived happily ever after. Long story short our date was at BW'3's during the final four. Worst idea ever. Jeff lives for sports. I have been married to the man for almost 16 years and I won't go near a bar during the final four with him. SO, you can imagine the date went badly. Epic bad.  Still, once the hangover wore off and the horrifying memory of me confessing my love and being thrown to the ground by one of the dogs who's leash I was holding faded, I couldn't get this guy out of my head and off my heart. I knew he was for me. I was relentless in my pursuit.  I rarely see anything though. But Jeff Simpson, I saw him through. For better or for worse, he would be mine!
Fast forward a few years and we found ourselves as young professionals in Chicago. The great thing about Jeff's reluctance in dating me was we became great friends. I don't regret a moment of getting know Jeff as buddy. Four years from the moment I met this boy, we became a couple. Soon after I would succumb to a serious depression . It was in these moments that all I saw in that boy at MSU years earlier came true. He was there for me though a very dark time. When most men would say, "Umm, nope, too much for me, he was steadfast." We dated for several years and then married. We hit a rocky patch about 10 years into our marriage. I think, if we are honest, many marriages hit a rough patch here. Marriage isn't very fun ten years in. Kids, jobs, diapers, mortgages, bills, bottles, diapers, etc. Marriage really sucks ten years in.  Thanks be to God we made it through a very rough couple of years and found our way back to our faith and to each other. Thank God because it seems only months after, on March 7, 2017 at 7:07a.m(but who is counting) I nearly lost this man. Jeff has two very rare blood clotting disorders and long story short he should't be here. But, God. He is here and we are still here. I often find myself thinking about life "before March 7,2017 and after". I mostly live each day in such gratitude for God sparing my beloved's life. I can not imagine living life, and raising kids without him. He is the BEST dad.  All of things that made me think he wasn't the best husband immediately faded in the prospect of losing him. But, the thing is, it isn't fair to hold Jeff to the standard of a "dead man." We are all guilty of making those who've died into saints. Jeff isn't a saint. He is human, just as I am. Also, he isn't dead and the longer he has continued to live, despite almost dying, the more I take his humaness for granted. Thankfully, I usually check myself and think, "Stop. Two is better than one." I have often said that I think Jeff's dad, who died when Jeff was only 11 whispered to God on 3/7/17 as he lay on that table having CPR done, "You can't take him, his wife can't handle the single mom gig." TRUE STORY ROGER SIMPSON, true story.
Life has continued to hand us some hard deals. Jeff nearly lost his job, we moved across the state, etc. But, at the end of the day, we are together. At the end of the day I get to do life with the boy who still loves to lay on the couch at the end of the day and watch Sports Center. This boy is now a man who truly has never known an enemy. He is the best dad, most patient and understanding husband and your lucky to call Jeff your friend. He isn't perfect but he is perfect for me and for our family. This Christmas we are saving for a new home in an expensive market. As I consider all my "gifts"  I count meeting a boy,on a couch, in East Lansing in 1995, one of the best I have received.

Thankful 2018

Full disclosure..it is almost 10p.m on Thanksgiving night and I JUST REMEMBERED that I hadn't wirtten my list! I have done it every year of this blog..for shame!!!
 I posted this briefly but then made some changes to it and did not publish again. In the weeks since we've have celebrated Thanksgiving, life has reminded me through untimely death that life is fleeting. This always reminds me to take time to tell and show those you care for and love that they are important. Even though I work with grief and the bereaved every day, I am just as guilty as most people to take things for granted, namely my children. I am easy to become annoyed and angered. I can talk the talk about not caring about things like "finding the right house" but in reality I am nearly obsessed with it. As 2018 comes to a close I am so proud of so many of the things I was able to overcome in recent years. I have come so far. But here's the thing, once you get a taste of what it feels like to accomplish a goal or transcend to a better place, you want more areas of your life to always be transformed. I am trying to be thoughtful, and purposeful in regards to what exactly I would like to work on. If I had to pick a "word" right now, for 2019, it would be TRUST. I would love to be able to write a blog post a year from now that says I was able to trust in what God has planned for us. That I prayed for His will to be done, not the desires of my heart. That I was able to discern what exactly His will is and what I am "wanting desperately to be His will." One thing I have learned in my nearly 44 years of living is it is so dang easy to get in your own way!! Trusting God has NEVER lead me astray but still, in the dark hours of the night I send those, "But, but wait, what if's up to him" in what I like to call prayer but really, if I am being honest, it is bargaining. Anyways, here is my Thanksgiving list, and well, I guess MERRY CHRISTMAS too!

Here goes, my top 10 things I am thankful for this year:

10. Moving. Sure it has been hard. There were so many wonderful things about living in Portage for most of our time there. However, we allowed a friendship with toxic individuals to taint our last few years. Now that we're are a few years out from this relationship, and no longer live in the same neighborhood, I feel like I can breathe again. I am working on remembering that 4 years of a crappy friendship does not negate 9 years of wonderful!! However,  it was a very difficult season that challenge us in so many ways. I am thankful to be free!!
9.My job. I am so happy to have a job, and have one that is flexible. While I miss working at Bronson, I don't miss the stress of that job. I have so much flexibility but still I'm able to help others work through their grief.
8. Family.   Even though we live 2.5 hours away Jeff's mom and stepdad  will drop anything to help us out. Case in point, a few weeks ago I didn't realize the kids had a four day weekend. Barb and Bert were able to drop everything and watch the girls for us! My parents are unfailingly generous and kind to all of us. I can't tell you how many times my mom surprises me and the kids with little treats she knows we will appreciate.
7. Rochester. I really do love it here. It has all the benefits of a big city like fabulous shopping but a small town feel.
6. Apartment living. Yes, I have complained. I am a bit over the living in a small space with all 5 of us. But, it is so convenient, and so nice to just call someone when something breaks.
5. The kids, over all are adjusting. I am learning so much about our children's personalities through this move. Caroline, it turns out, can makes friends practically anywhere. Matthew is much like Jeff and isn't as concerned with the number of friends but rather the quality. Ellie thrives in the midst of community and desperately wants to have a neighborhood again.
4. Hockey is close and not as time and money consuming.  Matthew hasn't really found his groove with his new team, but we literally live a minute away from the rink and the travel has been much less. It has been nice.
3. X-box and gaming with your buddies. Yes, you read that right. Matthew is very much a first born in regards to rule following. Therefore he does not play on his X box until his homework is complete. It has been a bit of a struggle for him to meet new friends.  I have loved that when he plays online he can connect with his friends from Portage.
2. Jeff's health. I will never take this for granted and pray he continues to tolerate his blood thinners and have little to no side effects.
1. My faith. This will never change. For it has saved me from the worst version of myself. It has redeemed what I felt was so sinful and ugly, that no one could ever love me, especially God. It is the reassurance of the reminder that the things of this world will pass away. God is so good. ALL the time,God is good. I am not worthy and I am so grateful for the grace and mercy He bestows upon me!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Settling in

We have lived in Rochester for a little over two months now. It is strange because it feels like so much longer to me. Overall we are doing well. The kids have settled in to school routines. Matthew and Caroline have early wake up calls as their bus comes at 6:45a.m! Ellie has a more leisurely routine as her bus comes at 8:30.  Matthew's hockey season is in full swing. He is slowly but surely finding his way, and his voice. It is interesting to see what makes that boy speak up. I continue to be so proud of that kid. He's a sweetie. Caroline was blessed to have a friend from her elementary school also move here this summer. Thankfully they go to the same school. Caroline is much like me and is outgoing and has made friends easily. She has also taken an interest in the youth group at the church we've attended. Ellie is taking a lyrical dance class that she absolutely loves and is going to be in her first play, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" this winter. Perhaps the  biggest news is I have found a new job. I am working as a bereavement coordinator for a local hospice agency. While it is very different from inpatient medical social work, I am really enjoying it. I have been able to work with groups and individuals and have been challenged by honing new skills. It is interesting being on the other side of things. In my previous job I was helping individuals come to terms with their chronic, and life limiting illness. In this role, I am helping family members come to terms with their losses. My job is flexible which is a huge blessing as well as we are all transitioning to our new surroundings. 

I am over apartment living! I thought it would offer more. There are benefits to not having to worry about things breaking down, etc. But, I miss having more space. It often feels that we are all on top of each other.  I am also over the neighbor's propensity towards late night thumping music sessions! I think, when we have a house again, that we will all appreciate having our "corners". Jeff and I were looking for a bit at houses to buy as the market as cooled a bit and it is a great time to buy. Ultimately we decided to wait until late winter/early spring to buy. We plan on paying off more debt and hopefully finding a great place to make our home. I miss many of the friendships we had in Portage but feel completely  at peace here in Rochester. Once again, I feel that God has blessed me with a job that is perfect for me and His timing could not have been more perfect. Although I "want" a house right now, I am proud of myself for putting my own selfish desires aside for the greater good! 

I am feeling more at peace and settled here in this place more than I have in years. I am excited to see what we have ahead! 

East side!!

My sister will hate that I titled this EAST SIDE. Having lived in Grosse Pointe Farms for a number of years she feels it doesn't make any sense as it doesn't indicate where we live. But to those of us that have spent the majority of our time on the WEST side of the state, when I say EAST side you basically know I live somewhere near Detroit. We live in Rochester  which is about 45 minutes north of Detroit. We've lived here a little over two weeks now. I love living here so far. There is so much to do, and the shopping is phenomenal. Our apartment is very close to downtown Rochester which is lovely. I can hardly wait until the holiday season to see all of the decorations. We are settled into our apartment and while it is cozy, it really isn't too bad. I do miss having a deck and outside area to hang out in that is private. I do not miss our house at all. Honestly I was over our neighborhood for a variety of reasons and feel so happy to be gone! I feel such peace being here and definitely feel that we made the right decision. 

The kids are registered for school, and everyone but Matthew is excited to go! Matthew is never excited to resume school! He is slowly but surely getting used to his new hockey team. He definitely misses all of the friendships he developed over the past eight years of playing for KOHA. His rink is only a few miles up the road which is very convenient especially with all of the traffic we now face. 

I just took my licensing exam this past Saturday and I am sad to say I missed passing by 6 measly points! I am trying to give myself grace as it was literally a horrible time to try and study. I definitely underestimated the amount of topics covered. I took a prep class six years ago and tried to remember what I learned and use materials from back then but fell short. I am going to take a refresher prep class and take it again at the end of the year. I am contemplating whether or not I want to work until then. Jeff would say that I need to work to stop me from shopping at all of the fabulous places around here! However most of the MSW jobs in hospitals require a full licensure so I may just wait until I pass that darn exam! I am trying to enjoy being at home but we are ALL over summer and all of the togetherness at this point. Tomorrow we are headed to Cedar Point for two days! We are staying at Hotel Breakers and the kids are so excited as they have never been. I think I am too old to be riding coasters and I'm hoping Ellie wants to go back to the hotel to hit the pool or the beach. 

Life is good for us! We are happy and content and enjoying East Side living so far! 

Good and bad

Most of our time in Portage has been filled with wonderful friends and memories. We moved here newly married with a tiny six week old. We leave with fifteen years of marriage, three kids, and me transitioning from staying at home to working full time, and so much more. If I am being honest though, we've had some hard times here. Times where we've allowed friendships, and participated in behaviors that did not add any value to our lives. Thankfully through lots of hard work, and the grace of God ,we were able to come out of that time better off.  Stronger in our faith's and our marriage. The other day someone from that dark past reached out to me. In their defense I believe their intentions to be benign and well intended. But it THREW ME. It shed light on the fact that all of my "good, hard work" towards a better, healthier life was fragile. It exposed all of my weaknesses and poor coping choices. It also made me realize how grateful I was to be delivered from such a toxic relationship. This situation made me realize how far we've come, and how enslaved to a crappy life we were. It sadly reminded me of just how miserable I had allowed myself to be for far too long.
Life is hard right now. The stress of the last year has nearly broken me. But, God. God is always there. Even when I do and say things and think the next day,"What in the world did you do?!" God is never surprised. He has worked on this old heart of mine so much over the past five years. I've come so far and know that the ONLY ONE that matters loves me beyond measure. I know, without a doubt that there is nothing I could do or say(or text) that can separate me from the love of Jesus.
I am so sad to leave much of this life we've built here in Portage, Michigan. But, much of me is excited for a fresh start. I look forward to beginning this new adventure on the east side of the state with all of the great friendships and knowledge I have gained through the bad ones.

Moving or at least TRYING TO!!!

I mentioned a few posts back that we are moving to the East side of the state. Like everything in our lives the past few years, it has been very stressful. Getting the house prepped, doing years of work in a matter of weeks, listing,and then the waiting!! We've had many showings but unfortunately people have issues with our lot. We have a corner lot with two huge side yards but not much of a back yard. We also have three bedrooms in a subdivision that has mostly four bedrooms. I of course am airing on the side of PANIC. Jeff, oh Jeff, is calm and steady and says, "Don't worry it will sell." Bless him.
I know it will sell. Maybe not for as much as we want or when we want but all houses eventually find themselves new owners. We've found a house we like in Shelby Township, MI. We have made a contingent offer on this house. I believe if that home is meant to be, it will be.
I am scheduled to be done working on July 13th. My heart aches at the thought. I love my job so much. I have not found much that interests me on the East side. I am hopeful that once we are settled I will figure out the area and a new job.
I am anxious to move on. This has been "in the works" for almost a year now. Let's get on with it already!! I am ready from a break from constant high stress situations. It seems since we nearly lost Jeff last March that our lives have been constantly bombarded with stress. But, the good thing about all of this stress, is that it has continued to strengthen our faith's and our marriage. I trust God completely with ALL aspects of this move and know that His timing is NOT my timing.
I will miss this home so much. We've learned so much here. How to be a married couple, new parents, parents of three, a couple that wasn't sure what we wanted out of life, deciding that staying at home full time wasn't for me, mistakes, redemption.
We covet prayers for this transition and pray that we will find ourselves in a good spot a year from now. We would love for all of us to just be settled. To make a quiet and contented life in Shelby Two, MI. We are ready for the adventure but also ready for some calm.
Stay tuned!!

15 years

Next week Jeff and I will celebrate 15 years of marriage! Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that we gathered together at the Stetson Chapel on the Kalamazoo College Campus and said, "WE DO!"
But, mostly it feels like it has been 15 years when I think about all that has happened in those years. From the moment I met Jeff Simpson, I knew he was the ONE. He just felt right. He still feels right. Three kids, moves, job changes, many mommy breakdowns, fights about finances, and here we are.  I think of all the things we said we promised to do on April 26, 2003 and how they look fifteen years late. Here it is:
I PROMISE to disappoint you. I want so badly to be the person I promised to be on our wedding day. But, here's the thing... I am human. I will fail you.
I PROMISE I will not live up to expectation I have set before you. When were were dating, I wanted so badly to have you believe in all I could be,and all WE could be. So sometimes, I may have faked who I really was because really, I had no clue who I was.
I PROMISE all of these life changes will change me. I had no idea how much being a stay at home mom wouldn't fit for me. Thank you for giving me permission to reinvent myself.
I PROMISE I WILL MESS UP. I will think the grass is greener. It is not. I will figure this out,and I can say with certainty this won't happen again.
I PROMISE THE THINGS THAT ANNOY THE HECK OUT OF YOU ON APRIL 26, 2003 will still be there. I am the worst at finances. I want what I want and I want it now. Sorry, but I have come a long way. I go nearly 7 weeks between hair cuts after all.
I PROMISE I will always believe in YOU. Always.
I PROMISE to always find something about you, and us, that makes me happy. Right now it is your ability to stay up later than me and put our dang kids to bed.
I PROMISE I will always believe in you, and us. ALWAYS.
You are still my dream come true Jeff Simpson. Thank you God for knowing exactly what this girl needed in a husband !

Moving on ..

It has been awhile since my last update. Blogger wasn't letting me sign in, and to be honest I didn't have the energy to figure out why. Today it magically worked so here we are! So much has happened since January!!
The biggest news is we are moving to the Detroit area this summer. Jeff's job is ending in July, something we've known about for nearly a year. Although he pursued some local options, he was offered a promotion within the Ascension health system. It was difficult to reconcile leaving Portage. However, God could not have been more clear in giving us a peace and discernment with knowing this is His will. Many things have fallen into place, and we continue to feel blessed in making this move. The kids are mostly excited. I think they are at good ages for a move. Matthew is a pretty easy going 13 year old. Playing hockey almost always gives him an instant group of friends. Caroline will be going to middle school and the way our district works, half of her friends would have gone to a different middle school than her. Ellie, I am afraid, is a bit anxious about all this moving stuff. Of the three kids, she is my "contemplative, what if" kind of a girl. I am reassuring her that it will be an adventure and she will make new friends. We are in the midst of doing "all the things" to the house we've put off for the last thirteen years. OH MY!! ALL THE THINGS! Whoever buys this house is pretty dang lucky!! Oh, this house. We arrive here almost exactly thirteen years ago with a six week old Matthew and two years of marriage under our belts. Hell, I never even SAW THIS HOUSE IN PERSON before we moved here. That seems like craziness to 43 year old me!! But you know what, we became a family here. We added Caroline and then Ellie. We made some amazing friends, and have had mostly amazing neighbors. We've had incredibly hard years where we were stretched,and we realized that we needed to work on ourselves and our marriage. In the end, I am proud of who we became here. All of the vows we took fifteen years ago became REAL while we were living on 7620 Carnoustie. For better and for WORSE. For richer and POORER. In sickness and HEALTH. We've stumbled but, we've gotten back up..together. Even though at times, we have definitely been far from God, due to our own choosing, He always took us back. We began this journey with an infant and really in the infantile stages of marriage ,and leave with a teenager and feeling that good groove that I think comes with fifteen years of marriage. I won't lie, nearly losing Jeff last March certainly brought everything into glaring perspective! Life is too short to not appreciate the people in your life. Love them and love them well!
On to what else is new for us! We were able to surprise the kids with a trip to Disney for Spring Break! Jeff had a conference for his new job which allowed us to stay on the property at the Boardwalk Inn and have access to discounted park tickets. We drove and spent five days at Disney. The kids and I visited the Magic Kingdom, Hollywood Studios and Typhoon Lagoon. It was such a fun week!! I am so glad we took advantage of the opportunity because we never would have been able to "do Disney" the way we did. We loved it!! I am not sure we would go back but we are so glad we made it work!!
We are beginning spring sports. Hockey and baseball for Matthew, soccer and softball for Caroline and Ellie is having her big spring concert with the Kalamazoo Children's Chorus and finishing swimming. Jeff begins his new job on April 29th and will be in Detroit Monday through Wednesday. At first, I will admit, I was sad that we were moving to Detroit. Nothing appeals to me about Detroit. But, my sister lives there and we are looking forward to having just a 40 minute commute between us. There are so many wonderful things about the communities we are looking at, I am starting to get excited. We are very concerned about making sure we live in a community that has good schools. We continue to pray that God would orchestrate all of the desires of our hearts for our kids and their future.
I am sad to leave my job. It finally "fits". We have amazing providers ,and I love the work I am privileged to provide to those facing chronic and life limiting disease. But, like I said earlier, I strongly feel this is God's will for our lives. Also, if I am being honest, I would like to be home more with our kids. Let's be clear...NOT full time:) But, having a job with a bit more flexibility would be awesome. I have a great boss who works with me about everything ,but when you work full time, you have to be there, well ,full time!! I would love to find something part time if possible.
Like I said earlier, we've met so many amazing people here in Portage. Jeff's mom and older sister live here. It has been wonderful to have Barb, Jeff's mom be such an amazing part of our kid's lives. She had done more for us than I could ever write about. We will miss living so close to her.
As I told Ellie, moving is an adventure and the I think the last thirteen years has prepared the Simpsons for such a time as this!

Oy vei!

I was hoping 2018 would be calm and quiet for us. Well, it is starting off with a bang! Jeff is losing his job this summer at Borgess. We are hoping that we can find an amazing opportunity that is local, but is looking more and more like we might have to move. Part of me is scared to death by this. But, I am a person who moved more than once as a child and count it as a blessing. I certainly trust that God has a plan for Jeff and for us. I only ask that God ok it with me ahead of time!! LOL! Of course that's not how He works. Therefore we wait and pray. I trust Him completely and only ask for clear guidance and discernment through this process.
We appreciate any prayers you send our way. For peace and discernment for God's path to be clear!!
We will update as we know more!