Sweet 16

Today Jeff and I celebrate sixteen years of marriage. The weather is very reminiscent of how it was back in 2003 when we said, "WE DO" at the front of the beautiful Stetson Chapel on the Kalamazoo College Campus. So much life has happened over those sixteen years.
This past year was one of the most stressful that we've endured. Uncertainties regarding jobs, listing our home in Portage, moving to the east side of the state, apartment living, finding our current home and helping three children adjust to a new city and new schools. We all miss so much of what we had in Portage but what we have in Rochester or Oakland Twp if you want to be technical , is each other. We don't have lots of friends to distract us from each other. We have been settling in and enjoying our home and each other. Most days, anyways!
Jeff's health crisis taught us to enjoy every day, even the ones that seem mundane. Just today I was nagging him about hiring a company to cut the lawn. Ever the accountant he was saying he could do it. I am the practical one that knows that a person who works from 7-8p.m can't possible fit it all in. I promise to give up lunches out and he says, Fine whatever. Knowing full and well that means I will only buy lunch three days a week. I love that I am able to have these "discussions" with him and do not take it for granted. I would chose Jeff Simpson over and over again. I was just telling a co worker today that when I met Jeff Simpson I was immediately attracted to him. He was funny and sweet and I just knew that we'd be a good match. It took a lot of work but I don't regret any of it.
Where I over think, Jeff is practical. When I am too hard on myself, Jeff reminds me of my strengths and where I have grown. When he thinks too much about the bottom line, I remind him that there are simply not enough hours in the day. When he bitches about hockey, I listen or at least pretend to. When he has a hard day at work, I am his greatest champion. We get each other. I can 100% be myself with him. He knows all of my highs and has been with me through every low.
You all know I love a good list! So, in honor of our 16th anniversary I think it is only fitting I list 16 things I have learned about marriage over the years!

16. Parenting brings out the best and worst of your spouse. It is not for the faint of heart! Having a partner that gets your style is CRUCIAL!

15. Never think you will NEVER do or will ALWAYS do anything. Life will throw you some major curveballs and it will shock the shit out of you how you play that!

14. Have the fundamentals in common. Sure Jeff and I don't like all of the same things. Hello. He is a huge sports enthusiast and I AM NOT! I love music, Jeff, no so much. But, we believe in the same God, have the same values and hate the same things about hockey coaches:)))))

13. Forgive each other, then forgive again.

12. Get over the socks left in two completely different places in the family room.

11. Love that your husband doesn't care about saving money by driving a craptastic car in order for your children to do the things they love!

10. Decide on each other every day!

9. Be playful, LAUGH.

8. Go out alone! Let's be real, this isn't happening every month but do make it a priority .

7. Text him something nice. Even if it has a mostly smart ass tone:))

6. Let him sleep in, even when you're wanting to be like, DUDE! The ping pong table has been at step 6 for three weeks!!

5. Remember that you almost lost him. Think of all of the memories you've been bless to make.

4. Make sure he always has clean underwear and socks!

3. Be intentional about sharing all you love about him with your children.

2. Pray for him. His health, his job, his friends.

1. Thank God every day for sending you the exact right mate for you. Is Jeff Simpson every one's cup of tea? NOPE! But he is my glass of champagne. Ok, I have taken it too far!

New home, new beginnings.

Tomorrow the Simpsons are moving into a new home. We are thrilled. Being patient and living in an apartment paid off for us. We found a beautiful, spacious home in Oakland Township about eight miles from where we currently are.  Matthew and Caroline will remain at Hart and Ellie will move to Baldwin Elementary. Thankfully my high school friend, Nicole's daughter is also in third grade at Baldwin and Ellie and she are in the same class. Ellie is excited for a new adventure. I appreciate that about Ellie, she is always up for a new adventure. Everyone has their own room in our new house. I began looking for homes in this area last March. I have SEEN many a house in this area. Add to that one of the most competitive seller's markets in recent years and I was, to quote Anne of Green Gables, "In the depths of despair." We had many realtors and I was OVER IT! But, my heart longed for a home, so I kept searching. I ended up meeting our realtor, Susan at an open house and she helped me and stuck with me, even when all the stress made me not the nicest of clients! When I walked into our home, I just felt that it was "ours". It may sound cheesy, but it is true. I feel like everything has fallen into place and we feel this is where we should be. I am so excited to have my home feel like mine again! When we prepared our Portage home to sell we "de-Simpson'd it". We went from warm, earthy tones to GRAY. ALL GRAY.  I have missed my things and I am 100% over apartment living.

The house we are moving into is in a subdivision with tons of kids! I am thrilled for our children and hope they make some good buddies there. I am hoping for decent neighbors as well ,but after the craziness that we've experienced with neighbors over the past years, I may stick with waving hello!
We are ready to be settled and make Rochester, or Oakland Township our home!

How do you measure?

I have been a bit podcast crazy lately. Listening to stories, and tales helps pass the sometimes long commutes I am subjected to.  One of my favorites is "Modern Love". It is a story of love, loss and redemption(this is taken directly from the narrator's description). I have listened to so many Modern Love podcasts and many bring me to tears. Important note, I don't cry easily, if ever.
Lately, the Modern Love podcasts have me thinking about the story of Jeff and I. It is a great story. Well, it is a great story to me and well, I think to anyone who knows us. After considering all that has happened to us in recent years I have decided this story needs to be written in words.
 I met Jeff Simpson in the spring of 1995. I was a junior at Michigan State University, and my roommate Pam had a serious boyfriend, Pat who had a friend named Jeff who he thought I would like. They decided on a casual introduction one late Thursday night. I entered the family room of the musty home, and saw Jeff, splayed out on the couch watching Sports Center. This will always make me smile because 25 years later this is Jeff Simpson on any given night! Pam and Pat cordially introduced me to him and Jeff, in all of his gentlemaness mustered a "Hey" from the laying down position on the couch. I was not impressed. I remember leaving that evening and telling Pam and Pat, "Thanks, I think he is my future husband!" INSERT all the sarcasm. Fast forward two weeks when the group of guys Jeff lived with threw a party, add some keg style miller light and this girl was COMPLETELY smitten with one Jeff Simpson. Ask anyone, I had my fare share of crushes in my life up until now and I don't know what happened but I was SMITTEN. I quickly guzzled some miller lite and with liquid courage running through my veins, boldly (ok, mostly drunkedly I asked him out).  He said, "Sure" which is still a signature Jeff Simpson answer! I wish I could say we lived happily ever after. Long story short our date was at BW'3's during the final four. Worst idea ever. Jeff lives for sports. I have been married to the man for almost 16 years and I won't go near a bar during the final four with him. SO, you can imagine the date went badly. Epic bad.  Still, once the hangover wore off and the horrifying memory of me confessing my love and being thrown to the ground by one of the dogs who's leash I was holding faded, I couldn't get this guy out of my head and off my heart. I knew he was for me. I was relentless in my pursuit.  I rarely see anything though. But Jeff Simpson, I saw him through. For better or for worse, he would be mine!
Fast forward a few years and we found ourselves as young professionals in Chicago. The great thing about Jeff's reluctance in dating me was we became great friends. I don't regret a moment of getting know Jeff as buddy. Four years from the moment I met this boy, we became a couple. Soon after I would succumb to a serious depression . It was in these moments that all I saw in that boy at MSU years earlier came true. He was there for me though a very dark time. When most men would say, "Umm, nope, too much for me, he was steadfast." We dated for several years and then married. We hit a rocky patch about 10 years into our marriage. I think, if we are honest, many marriages hit a rough patch here. Marriage isn't very fun ten years in. Kids, jobs, diapers, mortgages, bills, bottles, diapers, etc. Marriage really sucks ten years in.  Thanks be to God we made it through a very rough couple of years and found our way back to our faith and to each other. Thank God because it seems only months after, on March 7, 2017 at 7:07a.m(but who is counting) I nearly lost this man. Jeff has two very rare blood clotting disorders and long story short he should't be here. But, God. He is here and we are still here. I often find myself thinking about life "before March 7,2017 and after". I mostly live each day in such gratitude for God sparing my beloved's life. I can not imagine living life, and raising kids without him. He is the BEST dad.  All of things that made me think he wasn't the best husband immediately faded in the prospect of losing him. But, the thing is, it isn't fair to hold Jeff to the standard of a "dead man." We are all guilty of making those who've died into saints. Jeff isn't a saint. He is human, just as I am. Also, he isn't dead and the longer he has continued to live, despite almost dying, the more I take his humaness for granted. Thankfully, I usually check myself and think, "Stop. Two is better than one." I have often said that I think Jeff's dad, who died when Jeff was only 11 whispered to God on 3/7/17 as he lay on that table having CPR done, "You can't take him, his wife can't handle the single mom gig." TRUE STORY ROGER SIMPSON, true story.
Life has continued to hand us some hard deals. Jeff nearly lost his job, we moved across the state, etc. But, at the end of the day, we are together. At the end of the day I get to do life with the boy who still loves to lay on the couch at the end of the day and watch Sports Center. This boy is now a man who truly has never known an enemy. He is the best dad, most patient and understanding husband and your lucky to call Jeff your friend. He isn't perfect but he is perfect for me and for our family. This Christmas we are saving for a new home in an expensive market. As I consider all my "gifts"  I count meeting a boy,on a couch, in East Lansing in 1995, one of the best I have received.

Thankful 2018

Full disclosure..it is almost 10p.m on Thanksgiving night and I JUST REMEMBERED that I hadn't wirtten my list! I have done it every year of this blog..for shame!!!
 I posted this briefly but then made some changes to it and did not publish again. In the weeks since we've have celebrated Thanksgiving, life has reminded me through untimely death that life is fleeting. This always reminds me to take time to tell and show those you care for and love that they are important. Even though I work with grief and the bereaved every day, I am just as guilty as most people to take things for granted, namely my children. I am easy to become annoyed and angered. I can talk the talk about not caring about things like "finding the right house" but in reality I am nearly obsessed with it. As 2018 comes to a close I am so proud of so many of the things I was able to overcome in recent years. I have come so far. But here's the thing, once you get a taste of what it feels like to accomplish a goal or transcend to a better place, you want more areas of your life to always be transformed. I am trying to be thoughtful, and purposeful in regards to what exactly I would like to work on. If I had to pick a "word" right now, for 2019, it would be TRUST. I would love to be able to write a blog post a year from now that says I was able to trust in what God has planned for us. That I prayed for His will to be done, not the desires of my heart. That I was able to discern what exactly His will is and what I am "wanting desperately to be His will." One thing I have learned in my nearly 44 years of living is it is so dang easy to get in your own way!! Trusting God has NEVER lead me astray but still, in the dark hours of the night I send those, "But, but wait, what if's up to him" in what I like to call prayer but really, if I am being honest, it is bargaining. Anyways, here is my Thanksgiving list, and well, I guess MERRY CHRISTMAS too!

Here goes, my top 10 things I am thankful for this year:

10. Moving. Sure it has been hard. There were so many wonderful things about living in Portage for most of our time there. However, we allowed a friendship with toxic individuals to taint our last few years. Now that we're are a few years out from this relationship, and no longer live in the same neighborhood, I feel like I can breathe again. I am working on remembering that 4 years of a crappy friendship does not negate 9 years of wonderful!! However,  it was a very difficult season that challenge us in so many ways. I am thankful to be free!!
9.My job. I am so happy to have a job, and have one that is flexible. While I miss working at Bronson, I don't miss the stress of that job. I have so much flexibility but still I'm able to help others work through their grief.
8. Family.   Even though we live 2.5 hours away Jeff's mom and stepdad  will drop anything to help us out. Case in point, a few weeks ago I didn't realize the kids had a four day weekend. Barb and Bert were able to drop everything and watch the girls for us! My parents are unfailingly generous and kind to all of us. I can't tell you how many times my mom surprises me and the kids with little treats she knows we will appreciate.
7. Rochester. I really do love it here. It has all the benefits of a big city like fabulous shopping but a small town feel.
6. Apartment living. Yes, I have complained. I am a bit over the living in a small space with all 5 of us. But, it is so convenient, and so nice to just call someone when something breaks.
5. The kids, over all are adjusting. I am learning so much about our children's personalities through this move. Caroline, it turns out, can makes friends practically anywhere. Matthew is much like Jeff and isn't as concerned with the number of friends but rather the quality. Ellie thrives in the midst of community and desperately wants to have a neighborhood again.
4. Hockey is close and not as time and money consuming.  Matthew hasn't really found his groove with his new team, but we literally live a minute away from the rink and the travel has been much less. It has been nice.
3. X-box and gaming with your buddies. Yes, you read that right. Matthew is very much a first born in regards to rule following. Therefore he does not play on his X box until his homework is complete. It has been a bit of a struggle for him to meet new friends.  I have loved that when he plays online he can connect with his friends from Portage.
2. Jeff's health. I will never take this for granted and pray he continues to tolerate his blood thinners and have little to no side effects.
1. My faith. This will never change. For it has saved me from the worst version of myself. It has redeemed what I felt was so sinful and ugly, that no one could ever love me, especially God. It is the reassurance of the reminder that the things of this world will pass away. God is so good. ALL the time,God is good. I am not worthy and I am so grateful for the grace and mercy He bestows upon me!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Settling in

We have lived in Rochester for a little over two months now. It is strange because it feels like so much longer to me. Overall we are doing well. The kids have settled in to school routines. Matthew and Caroline have early wake up calls as their bus comes at 6:45a.m! Ellie has a more leisurely routine as her bus comes at 8:30.  Matthew's hockey season is in full swing. He is slowly but surely finding his way, and his voice. It is interesting to see what makes that boy speak up. I continue to be so proud of that kid. He's a sweetie. Caroline was blessed to have a friend from her elementary school also move here this summer. Thankfully they go to the same school. Caroline is much like me and is outgoing and has made friends easily. She has also taken an interest in the youth group at the church we've attended. Ellie is taking a lyrical dance class that she absolutely loves and is going to be in her first play, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" this winter. Perhaps the  biggest news is I have found a new job. I am working as a bereavement coordinator for a local hospice agency. While it is very different from inpatient medical social work, I am really enjoying it. I have been able to work with groups and individuals and have been challenged by honing new skills. It is interesting being on the other side of things. In my previous job I was helping individuals come to terms with their chronic, and life limiting illness. In this role, I am helping family members come to terms with their losses. My job is flexible which is a huge blessing as well as we are all transitioning to our new surroundings. 

I am over apartment living! I thought it would offer more. There are benefits to not having to worry about things breaking down, etc. But, I miss having more space. It often feels that we are all on top of each other.  I am also over the neighbor's propensity towards late night thumping music sessions! I think, when we have a house again, that we will all appreciate having our "corners". Jeff and I were looking for a bit at houses to buy as the market as cooled a bit and it is a great time to buy. Ultimately we decided to wait until late winter/early spring to buy. We plan on paying off more debt and hopefully finding a great place to make our home. I miss many of the friendships we had in Portage but feel completely  at peace here in Rochester. Once again, I feel that God has blessed me with a job that is perfect for me and His timing could not have been more perfect. Although I "want" a house right now, I am proud of myself for putting my own selfish desires aside for the greater good! 

I am feeling more at peace and settled here in this place more than I have in years. I am excited to see what we have ahead! 

East side!!

My sister will hate that I titled this EAST SIDE. Having lived in Grosse Pointe Farms for a number of years she feels it doesn't make any sense as it doesn't indicate where we live. But to those of us that have spent the majority of our time on the WEST side of the state, when I say EAST side you basically know I live somewhere near Detroit. We live in Rochester  which is about 45 minutes north of Detroit. We've lived here a little over two weeks now. I love living here so far. There is so much to do, and the shopping is phenomenal. Our apartment is very close to downtown Rochester which is lovely. I can hardly wait until the holiday season to see all of the decorations. We are settled into our apartment and while it is cozy, it really isn't too bad. I do miss having a deck and outside area to hang out in that is private. I do not miss our house at all. Honestly I was over our neighborhood for a variety of reasons and feel so happy to be gone! I feel such peace being here and definitely feel that we made the right decision. 

The kids are registered for school, and everyone but Matthew is excited to go! Matthew is never excited to resume school! He is slowly but surely getting used to his new hockey team. He definitely misses all of the friendships he developed over the past eight years of playing for KOHA. His rink is only a few miles up the road which is very convenient especially with all of the traffic we now face. 

I just took my licensing exam this past Saturday and I am sad to say I missed passing by 6 measly points! I am trying to give myself grace as it was literally a horrible time to try and study. I definitely underestimated the amount of topics covered. I took a prep class six years ago and tried to remember what I learned and use materials from back then but fell short. I am going to take a refresher prep class and take it again at the end of the year. I am contemplating whether or not I want to work until then. Jeff would say that I need to work to stop me from shopping at all of the fabulous places around here! However most of the MSW jobs in hospitals require a full licensure so I may just wait until I pass that darn exam! I am trying to enjoy being at home but we are ALL over summer and all of the togetherness at this point. Tomorrow we are headed to Cedar Point for two days! We are staying at Hotel Breakers and the kids are so excited as they have never been. I think I am too old to be riding coasters and I'm hoping Ellie wants to go back to the hotel to hit the pool or the beach. 

Life is good for us! We are happy and content and enjoying East Side living so far! 

Good and bad

Most of our time in Portage has been filled with wonderful friends and memories. We moved here newly married with a tiny six week old. We leave with fifteen years of marriage, three kids, and me transitioning from staying at home to working full time, and so much more. If I am being honest though, we've had some hard times here. Times where we've allowed friendships, and participated in behaviors that did not add any value to our lives. Thankfully through lots of hard work, and the grace of God ,we were able to come out of that time better off.  Stronger in our faith's and our marriage. The other day someone from that dark past reached out to me. In their defense I believe their intentions to be benign and well intended. But it THREW ME. It shed light on the fact that all of my "good, hard work" towards a better, healthier life was fragile. It exposed all of my weaknesses and poor coping choices. It also made me realize how grateful I was to be delivered from such a toxic relationship. This situation made me realize how far we've come, and how enslaved to a crappy life we were. It sadly reminded me of just how miserable I had allowed myself to be for far too long.
Life is hard right now. The stress of the last year has nearly broken me. But, God. God is always there. Even when I do and say things and think the next day,"What in the world did you do?!" God is never surprised. He has worked on this old heart of mine so much over the past five years. I've come so far and know that the ONLY ONE that matters loves me beyond measure. I know, without a doubt that there is nothing I could do or say(or text) that can separate me from the love of Jesus.
I am so sad to leave much of this life we've built here in Portage, Michigan. But, much of me is excited for a fresh start. I look forward to beginning this new adventure on the east side of the state with all of the great friendships and knowledge I have gained through the bad ones.

Moving or at least TRYING TO!!!

I mentioned a few posts back that we are moving to the East side of the state. Like everything in our lives the past few years, it has been very stressful. Getting the house prepped, doing years of work in a matter of weeks, listing,and then the waiting!! We've had many showings but unfortunately people have issues with our lot. We have a corner lot with two huge side yards but not much of a back yard. We also have three bedrooms in a subdivision that has mostly four bedrooms. I of course am airing on the side of PANIC. Jeff, oh Jeff, is calm and steady and says, "Don't worry it will sell." Bless him.
I know it will sell. Maybe not for as much as we want or when we want but all houses eventually find themselves new owners. We've found a house we like in Shelby Township, MI. We have made a contingent offer on this house. I believe if that home is meant to be, it will be.
I am scheduled to be done working on July 13th. My heart aches at the thought. I love my job so much. I have not found much that interests me on the East side. I am hopeful that once we are settled I will figure out the area and a new job.
I am anxious to move on. This has been "in the works" for almost a year now. Let's get on with it already!! I am ready from a break from constant high stress situations. It seems since we nearly lost Jeff last March that our lives have been constantly bombarded with stress. But, the good thing about all of this stress, is that it has continued to strengthen our faith's and our marriage. I trust God completely with ALL aspects of this move and know that His timing is NOT my timing.
I will miss this home so much. We've learned so much here. How to be a married couple, new parents, parents of three, a couple that wasn't sure what we wanted out of life, deciding that staying at home full time wasn't for me, mistakes, redemption.
We covet prayers for this transition and pray that we will find ourselves in a good spot a year from now. We would love for all of us to just be settled. To make a quiet and contented life in Shelby Two, MI. We are ready for the adventure but also ready for some calm.
Stay tuned!!

15 years

Next week Jeff and I will celebrate 15 years of marriage! Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that we gathered together at the Stetson Chapel on the Kalamazoo College Campus and said, "WE DO!"
But, mostly it feels like it has been 15 years when I think about all that has happened in those years. From the moment I met Jeff Simpson, I knew he was the ONE. He just felt right. He still feels right. Three kids, moves, job changes, many mommy breakdowns, fights about finances, and here we are.  I think of all the things we said we promised to do on April 26, 2003 and how they look fifteen years late. Here it is:
I PROMISE to disappoint you. I want so badly to be the person I promised to be on our wedding day. But, here's the thing... I am human. I will fail you.
I PROMISE I will not live up to expectation I have set before you. When were were dating, I wanted so badly to have you believe in all I could be,and all WE could be. So sometimes, I may have faked who I really was because really, I had no clue who I was.
I PROMISE all of these life changes will change me. I had no idea how much being a stay at home mom wouldn't fit for me. Thank you for giving me permission to reinvent myself.
I PROMISE I WILL MESS UP. I will think the grass is greener. It is not. I will figure this out,and I can say with certainty this won't happen again.
I PROMISE THE THINGS THAT ANNOY THE HECK OUT OF YOU ON APRIL 26, 2003 will still be there. I am the worst at finances. I want what I want and I want it now. Sorry, but I have come a long way. I go nearly 7 weeks between hair cuts after all.
I PROMISE I will always believe in YOU. Always.
I PROMISE to always find something about you, and us, that makes me happy. Right now it is your ability to stay up later than me and put our dang kids to bed.
I PROMISE I will always believe in you, and us. ALWAYS.
You are still my dream come true Jeff Simpson. Thank you God for knowing exactly what this girl needed in a husband !

Moving on ..

It has been awhile since my last update. Blogger wasn't letting me sign in, and to be honest I didn't have the energy to figure out why. Today it magically worked so here we are! So much has happened since January!!
The biggest news is we are moving to the Detroit area this summer. Jeff's job is ending in July, something we've known about for nearly a year. Although he pursued some local options, he was offered a promotion within the Ascension health system. It was difficult to reconcile leaving Portage. However, God could not have been more clear in giving us a peace and discernment with knowing this is His will. Many things have fallen into place, and we continue to feel blessed in making this move. The kids are mostly excited. I think they are at good ages for a move. Matthew is a pretty easy going 13 year old. Playing hockey almost always gives him an instant group of friends. Caroline will be going to middle school and the way our district works, half of her friends would have gone to a different middle school than her. Ellie, I am afraid, is a bit anxious about all this moving stuff. Of the three kids, she is my "contemplative, what if" kind of a girl. I am reassuring her that it will be an adventure and she will make new friends. We are in the midst of doing "all the things" to the house we've put off for the last thirteen years. OH MY!! ALL THE THINGS! Whoever buys this house is pretty dang lucky!! Oh, this house. We arrive here almost exactly thirteen years ago with a six week old Matthew and two years of marriage under our belts. Hell, I never even SAW THIS HOUSE IN PERSON before we moved here. That seems like craziness to 43 year old me!! But you know what, we became a family here. We added Caroline and then Ellie. We made some amazing friends, and have had mostly amazing neighbors. We've had incredibly hard years where we were stretched,and we realized that we needed to work on ourselves and our marriage. In the end, I am proud of who we became here. All of the vows we took fifteen years ago became REAL while we were living on 7620 Carnoustie. For better and for WORSE. For richer and POORER. In sickness and HEALTH. We've stumbled but, we've gotten back up..together. Even though at times, we have definitely been far from God, due to our own choosing, He always took us back. We began this journey with an infant and really in the infantile stages of marriage ,and leave with a teenager and feeling that good groove that I think comes with fifteen years of marriage. I won't lie, nearly losing Jeff last March certainly brought everything into glaring perspective! Life is too short to not appreciate the people in your life. Love them and love them well!
On to what else is new for us! We were able to surprise the kids with a trip to Disney for Spring Break! Jeff had a conference for his new job which allowed us to stay on the property at the Boardwalk Inn and have access to discounted park tickets. We drove and spent five days at Disney. The kids and I visited the Magic Kingdom, Hollywood Studios and Typhoon Lagoon. It was such a fun week!! I am so glad we took advantage of the opportunity because we never would have been able to "do Disney" the way we did. We loved it!! I am not sure we would go back but we are so glad we made it work!!
We are beginning spring sports. Hockey and baseball for Matthew, soccer and softball for Caroline and Ellie is having her big spring concert with the Kalamazoo Children's Chorus and finishing swimming. Jeff begins his new job on April 29th and will be in Detroit Monday through Wednesday. At first, I will admit, I was sad that we were moving to Detroit. Nothing appeals to me about Detroit. But, my sister lives there and we are looking forward to having just a 40 minute commute between us. There are so many wonderful things about the communities we are looking at, I am starting to get excited. We are very concerned about making sure we live in a community that has good schools. We continue to pray that God would orchestrate all of the desires of our hearts for our kids and their future.
I am sad to leave my job. It finally "fits". We have amazing providers ,and I love the work I am privileged to provide to those facing chronic and life limiting disease. But, like I said earlier, I strongly feel this is God's will for our lives. Also, if I am being honest, I would like to be home more with our kids. Let's be clear...NOT full time:) But, having a job with a bit more flexibility would be awesome. I have a great boss who works with me about everything ,but when you work full time, you have to be there, well ,full time!! I would love to find something part time if possible.
Like I said earlier, we've met so many amazing people here in Portage. Jeff's mom and older sister live here. It has been wonderful to have Barb, Jeff's mom be such an amazing part of our kid's lives. She had done more for us than I could ever write about. We will miss living so close to her.
As I told Ellie, moving is an adventure and the I think the last thirteen years has prepared the Simpsons for such a time as this!

Oy vei!

I was hoping 2018 would be calm and quiet for us. Well, it is starting off with a bang! Jeff is losing his job this summer at Borgess. We are hoping that we can find an amazing opportunity that is local, but is looking more and more like we might have to move. Part of me is scared to death by this. But, I am a person who moved more than once as a child and count it as a blessing. I certainly trust that God has a plan for Jeff and for us. I only ask that God ok it with me ahead of time!! LOL! Of course that's not how He works. Therefore we wait and pray. I trust Him completely and only ask for clear guidance and discernment through this process.
We appreciate any prayers you send our way. For peace and discernment for God's path to be clear!!
We will update as we know more!

13 Years, BABY!!

This blog is officially 13 years old!! What in the world? I have never stuck with anything, with exception of Jeff for 13 years!! I am proud of this blog! It chronicles so much of my early mothering years. Those years were no small feat for me. I struggled so. My whole life I imagined myself a wife of a high powered executive that wanted for nothing more than staying home with my babies. Cue the husband who is kind of an executive with all of the responsibilities, but lacking the pay, and a mama that might have well have lost her ever loving mind if she stayed home one second longer. Thank God for a husband that recognized this mom was drowning and needed something outside of "stay at home" mom to keep me alive. I went back to WMU and obtained my MSW and love my job as a palliative care MSW. Can it be stressful to juggle it motherhood, wifehood and being a social worker to those who basically are dying, sure. But, I love my life.
This year I feel like God has allowed me to let Him, "grow me up." Through Bible studies and friendships, we've blossomed. I am so grateful for God's grace. Just today, I saw someone from our past in a neighborhood store. Normally this type of event would have cause me such anxiety. Today, I was able to confidently say nothing. I simply have moved passed this type of toxic interference in our lives. I am able tor recognize  the  blessing the Lord has given us by DELIVERING us from these types of people. AMEN to Grace and Forgiveness and the power of the Holy Spirit to move us in the right direction. Today, as I watched our children play with their Christmas toys I felt happy. Are they hopelessly flawed, sure?!! But, they are good and decent kids that value love and sacrifice and truly appreciate all they've been given this season. Do Jeff and I have it all together as a couple?  Certainly not. But, I have learned this year not to take a single second for granted and even count my blessings when I move from our cozy bed to the couch because my "miracle" is snoring!! Thank you God for snoring husbands!!
2018 will be full of changes. WE ARE READY. I have a feeling that 2018 will be our best year yet! Happy New Year to You!!

See ya 2017!

2017 is nearly over! Christmas is less than a week away!! This year, what a doozy it has been for our family. We will never forget 2017. Everything nearly changed for us in 2017. Facebook has reminded me of times that have passed over the years. Sometimes it has me feeling nostalgic, and wishing for days that have long passed. But, more often than not, it has me feeling so grateful for the grace and growth time has shown us. For all of the hard parts of 2017, we realized what we are made of. We realized through the trials and tribulations of not only the past year but the past several, what our marriage is made of. As we enter 2018, we know who we are as individuals and as a couple. We enter into 2018 with so many unknowns. Jeff will lose his job. Of this we are sure. This should cause much anxiety for us. Are we experiencing  some stress?? Sure. When you're faced with losing 70% of your income it tends to be stressful. However, we've experienced the provision of God in our lives. We trust He has a plan for us.
The kids are doing well! Matthew is playing on the A hockey team this year. It has been an interesting year for sure. He has grown as a player and experienced coaching that is not his father. I have been proud as I have watched him negotiate what it means to love a sport and know you must invest 100% to see yourself grow as a player. He is a joy, my Matthew. He is sensible and sweet. A rule follower almost to a fault. Eager to please and never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.
Caroline is having her tonsils, adenoids and sinus surgery tomorrow! Poor girl. She has shown so much growth this year. She has become responsible and driven. The key to Caroline is finding a way to motivate her. Caroline plays travel soccer and her coach has figured this girl out. It has been nice to see Caroline motivated. She has a great group of girl friends and continues to love slime and pugs!!
Ellie is finding her way. She is an excellent student. She loves to read and she is in the Kalamazoo Children's Chorus. They just had their holiday concert and we were so proud of our Ellie. She worked so hard and it was such a wonderful evening. Ellie is blessed with a wonderful teacher who invests in her, and believes in her!! Ellie is loving second grade and thriving!
Jeff is plugging away at Borgess, but like I mentioned, losing his job. There is so much I could say but I won't except to say that there is more for Jeff and we are expectantly hopeful that 2018 will bring amazing opportunities for Jeff.
I am enjoying my job! We finally have a great team of professionals that respect my role! AMEN!!! I have been participating in Bible Study Fellowship's Roman's study and it has been wonderful. I feel that I am in a great place spiritually. This helps all other parts of my life come together  as well!
We are looking forward to 2018! Lots of unknowns but the Simpsons are ready!! Merry Christmas to you!! Enjoy your family, enjoy your health. Take the time to enjoy your family and all of your blessings!!

Thankful 2017

These posts are my favorite. This blog is almost thirteen years old!! I can hardly believe that!! I love reading back on what I am thankful for from year to year. I usually give it some thought, before I sit down and write my list. This year, of course, is focused so much on March 7, 2017.  The day that almost changed our ending.  There have been so many times over the past seven months that I have taken moments to pause and give thanks for all we've been given. For God's grace and mercy in our lives. Tonight I was telling the story of Jeff's DVT and bilateral pulmonary embolisms to someone who didn't know, and you can just see that people are amazed he is alive.  In fact many medical professionals I tell the story to often say, "I can't believe your husband isn't dead." I do not take this for granted. So, here is a list of all of things we wouldn't be able to do if our ending was different. This Thanksgiving we are giving thanks for God's protection and provision in our life.

10. I am thankful I went back to school and got my MSW. Without it, I would have never worked in the ER, and definitely wouldn't have known so much about blood clots and worst case scenarios.

9. Jeff's intuition. I never doubted by how he acted that night that he needed immediate medical intervention.

8. That the ER doc saw something on his CT scan. They originally didn't check his lungs. He easily could have been d/c home and he would have definitely died.

7. We believe that God orchestrated all of the events of the night, including the tech administering  the EKG, as Jeff code thus making immediate CPR possible.

6. Jeff was never intubated. I can't really explain how much of a miracle this is if you're not a medical person. It is crazy how successful his CPR was.

5. Jeff was in such a weakened state after his four day ICU stay. I was so worried that he'd need some serious rehab. Thankfully, he was mostly back to himself within six weeks.

4. Our children never really knew how close we came to losing their dad. Amen.

3. Jeff being able to skate in this year's Dad's and Lad's skating event for Matthew's hockey team.  I love that our children can continue to make memories with their dad!

2. Jeff and I still fight about finances. My Jeff is still my Jeff. I love that he continues to be steadfast in his goal to keep me on a budget.

1. I will never take for granted that God spared me from being a widow. I am not sure I could have handled it. I am not sure I would have endured it well. It has grown my faith so! It has certainly shown me what truly matters. It has made me a better social worker, mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. To God we give ALL of the GLORY and THANKSGIVING this Thanksgiving.

Life right now..

I realized this week that I have been failing at my yearly birthday updates!!! Honestly, that is my favorite part of blogging. I love looking back at how life was!! So many lessons to be learned!!
So....
Matthew is 12.5, in 6th grade at West Middle School. Playing hockey and just being a pretty cool kid.  Matthew is much like his mama when it comes to OVER THINKING pretty much his entire life. I love the relationship that has developed between us. Where Jeff is very unemotional and common sense based, I am all overthinking things right along with Matthew. The great thing is almost 43 years of living has taught me to HIDE this from him:)) No, honestly we have great talks about how to chill and calm down and remember that nothing in life ever needs to be taken too seriously.
Caroline just turned 11! She is becoming a young woman before our eyes! She can be sassy but there is a sweet and sensitive side that we are trying hard to invest into. Caroline has so much to offer. She is so determined when she sets her mind to something!! I love seeing how she is evolving into her own being! It can be difficult to try and connect with her. Caroline is very much like Jeff. She does not wear her heart on her sleeve. I feel like half the time I am trying to dissect every bit of that sleeve to figure out her heart and mind. I am realizing more and more how very different they are. She acts one way and is feeling something very different! She is bright and funny and creative and we love her so!
Ellie is 8 and holding her own. We are trying the Kalamazoo Children's Chorus this year. Ellie loves it but last week the teacher asked if she could come in early for some extra help and our littlest girl was just devastated. All of her insecurities about last year came rushing back in regards to repeating first grade. She was very much focused on the fact that she "Can't ever get anything right the first time." That statement just about broke this mama's heart. I reassured her that repeating first grade was the best thing she has ever done. Receiving extra help in reading has made Ellie a wonderful, independent reader!! At the end of the day I am not sure  but she has been convinced to stick with chorus. Ellie is also doing Bible study fellowship with me and has really loved it!! It has been a sweet time for us and we are enjoying it!
Jeff is doing pretty good health wise. He had a follow up with a different hematologist and it went well. The blood thinner he is taking is working at making his blood not so "clotty"!  Professionally, Jeff is at an interesting crossroads.  Accession Health, the company that owns Borgess, the hospital Jeff has worked at for the past twelve years, is in the midst of major reorganization. We are praying that the opportunity that God has for us is revealed. Honestly with all that has gone on with us this year, his job is the least of our worries. God has a plan. We believe that and will be seeking His guidance as we navigate these waters. I have such a sense of peace through this all. I just know that we will end up in the jobs we are to be in and the location we are called to.
We are busy, busy with soccer, hockey, chorus, BSF and life!! We are just loving being in this season of busyness. For we realize, this too shall pass and oh my, will we miss it!!

What hockey has done for our family.

The other day at work I had a discussion that soon turned into what felt like my defense of my son participating in travel hockey. The person I know wasn't meaning any ill intent, however it felt very much like I had to "defend"why we participate in such a time, and, money intensive sport. First of all, I will totally admit that IT IS time and money intensive! Honestly, until about a year ago, I didn't even know how much we invested in hockey. When I found out, I admit, I was shocked. But, as I contemplated all this sport has taught and done for my son, I thought of all of the reasons it is worth EVERY PENNY!

1. Cultivating a passion: Yes, Jeff introduced Matthew to hockey when he was four. However, our son adores this sport. When he isn't playing, he is watching, researching, practicing and thinking about this game. There were times last year when he literally sobbed that not every boy on his previous team "Was focused." We had to explain that not every 10/11 year old that plays hockey cares as much as he does. Never in the several years that Matthew has played this sport have I ever had to bribe or threaten him to practice. He simply loves being on the ice.

2. Being a part of a team. This has been huge. I think we saw it especially the season we went to the Pee Wee State Tournament. Matthew woke up the morning of the tournament with the stomach flu. He was sick every twenty minutes for twelve hours. I was so worried he wouldn't be able to play. Thankfully he rallied and he was able to travel and play his heart out. He saw that year what happens when you work together, using your individual assets for the collective good. It was such a fun year. When he returned for the next year, he was disheartened and worried that nothing could top the previous year. I assured him that every team has lessons to be learned, and fun to be had, all he had to do was look for it.

3. Commitment. My son has committed to being on and at the ice rink five days a week, six months a year for the past four years. It has taught him how to commit and follow through on a task. It has taught him the value of being a man of integrity and someone that others can count on.

4. Fiscal responsibility : HOCKEY AIN'T CHEAP!!! Matthew knows this. He has participated in can drives, and knows that his equipment, ice time, clothing, tournaments, hotels, gas and eating out is a sacrifice our family has decided is worth investing in. He does not take this for granted.

5. Pride in himself. Matthew was born with some mild cerebral palsy. I continue to be amazed by his ability to work through his mild disability with fierce determination. This year he is playing for the  A team. It was a big decision. Jeff and I had a heart to heart with him before the tryouts informing  him that A is different than B. Playing time is not a guarantee. We told him that he would have to put in 100% effort, 100% of the time. Matthew assured us he was up for the challenge. This mom was worried. I know my son, he so loves to please but sometimes his body just can't deliver. However, I see him give 100% effort, 100% of the time. He is eager to learn, take instruction and grow.

6. He has FUN!! If for one minute I thought he wasn't have fun out there, I would pull this kid in a minute. He loves this sport, the friends he's made and life he's built around the sport he adores!!

Summer time and the living is...STRESSFUL!

Today is August 3rd. A month from now we will be starting school. Part of me is all..WOO HOO the other part of me is NOOOO!! I do enjoy the laid back pace of summer. I like not having to rush from work to home to practice to home. Laundry, dishes, food, lunches...oh the LUNCHES, homework, half days, did I mention homework?? This summer we've been dealing with the aftermath of our kitchen flood. It has been NO FUN AT ALL. I could list all of the reasons(crappy painters, delays, no communication, and NO DISHWASHER for 3 WHOLE months. It has been the summer of #firstworldproblems. But, we've also had our share of real problems. Problems such as a husband that is still trying to recover, stressful jobs situations, babysitting stresses, mom's who break their ankles (poor Barb!). It seems the Simpson's were due for the SUPER SIZED quantity of all the heavy crap in  2017.
Jeff had a follow up with his primary are doctor today and he texted me to say, "I am still here, they are doing a EKG." I nearly died from PTSD. I seriously had a mini panic attack. My mind went right back to March 7, 2017 at 7:07a.m when I received a text from him saying, " I have blood clots in both lungs, they are admitting me." I never talked to him again until I arrived at the hospital. Ugh, even typing it makes me nauseous. I continue to be so grateful for Jeff's health. In most ways he is "back to normal." He is tolerating his blood thinner well. But, he is definitely not the same Jeff he was prior to his "Event" as well call it.
We are trying to get through this last month without losing our minds. We have pieced together our daycare. The big kids go to Camp Wakeshma in a week, Ellie goes to Aunt Jenn's! We are lucky to have an amazing village to draw upon when we need them and somehow, Jeff and I continue to make it to work!
Speaking of work, after a very rough season, I finally have providers who respect me and my profession. It is heaven!!
We've had a laid back but fun summer. The kids went up to Silver Lake with Jeff and his family for vacation, mom had to stay back and work. Matthew, Jeff and his buddy are going to a Cubs game this weekend, camp for the big kids is a much anticipated event!
We are looking forward to fall and all it will bring. New teachers, middle school for Matthew, soccer and hockey for the big kids, Kalamazoo Children's Chorus for Ellie. Busy, but fun!
We are planning on soaking up every last laid back moment of August!! Happy last month of SUMMER!!
#sorryforallthecaps!

I've got issues..

Jeff had a follow-up appointment with his hematologist today. I was on PTO and so I went with him. I made the mistake of not going to his second appointment and I had a MILLION questions that Jeff  couldn't really answer.  I wish we could say that it went fabulously but, unfortunately I think we are both feeling very confused and worried.  In interest of full disclosure I must admit that I have major issues trusting this physician. I do not appreciate that he NEVER takes the time to go over my husband's chart before he walks into the room. Today for example we were early, and he had plenty of time to review his chart before he came in. However, he did not do that, instead, like the other two times we've seen him, he walks in, talks all rosy and predicted that Jeff will be able to get off of blood thinners. All the while, I am sitting there thinking, "Good gravy dude, you've forgotten that he has factor five homozygous and prothombine time heterozygous!" As I watch him read the chart I literally can see his face change when he spots it, and he starts to retract his earlier statements, and then he reads Jeff's latest blood test (d-dimer)that measures how effectively his anti-coagulation medicine(ELOQUIS) is working, and tells us that although it isn't super high, it is more elevated than last month. He then says, "No, no, you will most likely be on this forever. And, you might need heparin shots if your numbers go up or if you get another clot." I ask about a million questions(like, what about the follow up CT of his damaged lung you said you wanted six months post event, what about his shortness of breath, what about this number, shouldn't we check it again in a few months?) But we don't really get any answers,and then he tells Jeff that he will see him in a year!!! I can tell Jeff is confused ,but I can also tell he wants to trust that his doctor is telling him what is right for him. As we leave I tell him not to worry, that he knows what a REAL DVT and PE feels like and we would go to the ER if he feels that way again. A normal d-dimer range is below 500, Jeff's was in the 1500's when he was in the ICU. Last month is was 640, today it was 677. So while it doesn't seem  terribly alarming,  I feel like waiting a year to recheck it or follow up with the hematologist is not appropriate. Jeff is looking into a second opinion just to make sure that there is nothing else we need to be doing as far as his blood disorder. He has been and will continued to be followed by his cardiologist and interventional radiology is taking out his filter on July 7th. The hematologist also told us today that only 60% of filters are able to be removed. I hadn't heard that before today. I want that filter out. I know I will be anxious on the day it is removed because they said it could take anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours. I am praying that sucker pops right out. I am praying this appointment doesn't increase our anxiety. I hate that I always see the worst case scenarios in my work. It makes me consider all of the worst case scenarios for myself and those I love. But, as I told a friend last week that was waiting on some tests, "Don't borrow trouble." I know worry and anxiety isn't from God. I know that Satan loves it when I tell myself a story of woe and worst case scenarios. I am praying to stand firm in the truth of what God says, to not be anxious about anything but to pray and turn it over to Him. We appreciate all of the prayers we can get! Thanks for reading!

14 years

Tomorrow Jeff and I will be married for 14 years. Today we got in a huge fight because he couldn't find work gloves in the garage. He accused me of throwing them away, I accused him of never putting anything away in the RIGHT place. He had an attitude, I had an attitude. Then I called him an ass in front of his mom. Not my proudest moment.  You all know we've had our fair share of drama lately. Almost dying, kitchen floods, insurance hassles, contractors that are booked out for three months, three kids, two full time jobs, bills, life. You know who's the ass...LIFE!! It is sad that a mere six weeks out from nearly losing my husband, I found myself so frustrated at him that I am calling him names, and in front of his mother no less! Thank God there is always grace. Soon after the above incident occurred, and his mom had left, we talked through our incident and ended up hugging and laughing in the driveway. Fourteen years in, I love that we're always able to do that.  We talk things through. For a man of little words, I can eek them out of him pretty good these days. He never wants to admit wrong doing, and I love to point them out.
Years 12 and 13 were very hard for us as a couple. Major growing pains. I was telling someone today that is getting married in a few weeks that really someone should have another shower when you are married 15 years. I feel like these are the years that are really showing us what we are made of. If we don't invest in the important aspects that give a relationship the things they need to flourish, we could easily fall apart. We've learned our weaknesses and where we needed to grow both as individuals, and as a couple over the past two years. Thank God we figured many things out before all this crap happened because it just may have broken us. I knew these truths on our last anniversary.  This past year we've invested in ourselves and in our relationship with Christ. We've developed our faiths and good friendships. We've been blessed by our obedience. We know we have miles to go, and much more work to do to make sure our relationship continues  to be healthy and flourish in good times and in bad. We are committed to the work, and to each other. You know I love making lists. So, here goes my 14 reasons I love being married to Jeff.

14. His laid back attitude. Even when he's freaked out by huge medical bills and insurance deductibles, he still has a pretty good poker face.
13. He puts the kids to bed. Every night, without fail, he's helping them shower, tucking them in. I realized when he was sick how much I LOVE this!!
12. He knows what I need to recharge. See #13, I need lots of sleep and time alone to recharge. Jeff gets that and sacrifices his own needs to see mine our met.
11. He appreciates my feisty side. The other day I was asking him why he loves me, he admitted that he loves that I am feisty. Believe me, he saw plenty of this side when he was hospitalized.
10. He is a great listener. Work venting, people venting, always listening.
9. He has the same opinions as me on things that matter. I know many people marry people that don't have similar views but this is what works for us. We agree on things like religion, and most political issues.
8. We have fun. There is no one I'd rather hang out with than Jeff. I was so sad when I realized he couldn't come to Tennessee. We would have had such a good time together!
7. We usually don't sweat the small stuff. We both realize life is short and we try and live it to the fullest.
6. He holds me accountable. He is my ACCOUNTANT after all. I'd be a huge financial wreak without him!
5. His relationship with God is important to him. Jeff was recently baptized but he's been a believer for many years. I love that he wants to grow in his faith and that it is important that Christ is the foundation of our marriage. I have no doubt if this wasn't the case we would never have made it this far.
4. He is smart. Nothing sexier than a man who can do math! LOL!
3. He is an amazing father. Patient, loving, selfless, kind, committed. Our kids are lucky
2. He is a great friend. As I have stated before, you'd be hard pressed to find a person who doesn't like  him.
1. Life is hard, marriage is hard. After coming so close to losing my husband, I cherish this anniversary and every additional one that we are blessed to have. You never know what the day will bring. Cherish every moment. And, if you lose your temper and call your husband an ass, say your sorry and give him a hug. After all, we can never forget our good friend, Grace!

Matthew is 12

Matthew turns 12 on Friday!! I have seen such a transformation in him this year. He is my buddy, he confides in me and trusts me when he is stressed or wants to talk through what's on his mind. He is thoughtful and kind and really just a pleasure to be around. Now don't get me wrong, he can be whiny and over react and annoy the crap out of his sisters which in turn annoys the crap out of me! But, over all, I am just thrilled that God picked me to be his mom!
Matthew is in the home stretch of grade school and will go to middle school next year. He was dreading it ,but I think he's moved into the acceptance stage:). He has a great group of friends that he has fun with in school, and most are moving with him to West Middle School.  Our grade school splits in middle school into two schools. Matthew tends to let his mind get away from him and can get anxious about things. However, he's learned some awesome tools that help him to "CHILL!" I love that he still wants to talk to me about everything and I always know when something is bothering him. No poker face on that one! I pray he always feels that comfortable coming to me.
He is still a major sports fan. Hockey, baseball, football and basketball rank high on his priority to watch. He had a fun hockey season and will be playing spring hockey instead of baseball this year. He loves the Red Wings, Tigers, Lions and Cubs! I love watching Matthew and Jeff interact when it comes to sports. Matthew is Jeff's mini-me in so many ways.
I thought for fun and to remember what this twelve year old was like I would ask him some questions

What is your favorite food?
Burritos from Mo's
What is your favorite thing to do?
Play hockey
What was the best memory from this year?
Scoring with 30 seconds left in the Cadillac hockey tournament which tied us!
What was the worst memory from this year?
When Daddy was in the hospital.
What are you looking forward this next year?
Hockey! 
What are you dreading?
Getting a girlfriend, "I don't want that." 
What do you want for your birthday dinner?
Red Lobster
What are you doing this summer?
Going to the pool, going to sleepover camp and hockey camp. Getting along with my sisters(mom added that!) 
If you had one wish what would it be?
Automatically make it to the NHL! 

Happy Birthday Matthew Jeffrey Simpson! We love you so much!!