Grandma Satterfield

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my beloved grandma's death. She died on Halloween sixteen years ago. I realized the other day that she has almost been gone for as long as I had the privilege and honor to know and love her. I learned so much from my Grandma Satterfield. She was honest and wise and lovely. I remember spending time with her discussing her faith and what was important to her. Without a doubt the most important thing in my grandmother's life was her faith. It helped her persevere through some pretty horrific realities  in her life including losing her eldest daughter, Leslie, to cancer at age five. Although the conversations we had about death, dying and suffering happened when I was in high school and college, her insights have stayed with me all these years later.
The holidays have always reminded me of my grandma because she would often spend several weeks at our house over the holidays. I fondly recollect her baking her special recipes and favorite treats that we had grown accustomed to her making for us.
I also remember the "look" she would give us when she was not happy with our behavior or how we were treating our mom. I do remember being irritated by it at the time but now realize that her "looks" always had loving intentions.
My grandmother died suddenly of an aortic aneurysm. Even sixteen years later, I vividly can recall that early morning call from my mother, telling me the news of her death. It was surreal and sad and awful. Her funeral was very fitting for the kind of woman my grandmother was, simple and religious. She was cremated so I never did see her after her death. In some ways that was difficult because I would often go several months without seeing her and I remember the reality of her death took a long time to sink in.  Time and time again I would go to reach for the phone to call her and suddenly the reality of her death would come crashing over me. Waves of grief would over take me and I would feel so very sad that I would never talk to her here on Earth again. I would love to have one more conversation, one more opportunity to soak in her wisdom. Thankfully, I always told her how much I loved and appreciated her. I also find much solace in knowing that she longed to be reunited with her daughter and husband and  I know she is resting in eternal peace with her Savior.
I have tried to honor my beloved grandmother in different ways over the last sixteen years. To live a faith filled life. To remember the importance of family. I named Caroline after her by giving her my grandmother's maiden name ,Carlysle .as a middle name. I tell my children stories of her and have pictures of both my grandma and grandpa in our home. I have often been surprised by how fortunate many of my friends are to have grandparents who are still living today. All of my grandparents, with the exception of one, were gone before I was 20. Still, I would not trade one moment or memory I have with my Grandma Satterfield. I was immeasurably blessed to have such a wonderful women in my life for twenty years.

Snuggles

I was talking to Jaime, Sam's mom, today about how in the last several months Ellie wakes up from anywhere from 4-6a.m. and comes into our room announcing in her gruff little voice, "MY BELLY HURTS!" It doesn't really hurt, that is her ploy for sympathy and in hopes that we will let her crawl between us, snuggle in and go back to sleep. Well I guess I can't really call it a ploy because the littlest Simpson owns us. We let her in every.single.time. It's just too cute and she goes right back to sleep and well, I really don't care. She is three. In light of all of the relatively crappy news we have heard over the last several years  about sick kids, my opinions on things like sleep training have been brought into glaring perspective. Kids  we know directly or though other friends, are struggling with knowing that  their child could die or are enduring horrific medical treatments. Many parents have had to face the horrible reality of losing their child.  My kid is fine. She is healthy and spunky and lovely and you know what?  I am going to snuggle her up every minute I can. Not just because health and life is fleeting but because so is the amount of time I have that my little girl will want to snuggle between her parents. All too soon I know she will have to be pried out of her bed. She will stumble to the bathroom grouchily if she is anything like her mother,  and I may get a "Whatever" if I am lucky. I will take all the, "Me love you best!" and early morning snuggles I can get.  Mostly because I want to appreciate what I have, while I have it, but also because is there anything sweeter than a toddler in the middle of a giant kind sized bed, nose to nose with her daddy?

Caroline age 6

Caroline is turning six tomorrow. I would write that I can't believe that is happening but I feel like I always say that, so I won't. What a girl our Caroline is. I noticed today that she has grown taller and leaner in the last month. She is the pickiest eater I know so I wouldn't doubt if she's lost weight this summer. She is active always loving to bike or scooter around with her neighborhood buddies. Caroline is doing a ballet/tap class and soccer, which she loves. Her favorite part of soccer is, "getting to push people down and steal the ball!" That is such a Caroline thing to say. Caroline is now a kindergartner and so far it is going good. I would love to say it is going perfect but it seems in addition to inheriting my brown hair, brown eyes and distain for mornings, Caroline also got the "frequently disrupts classroom procedures" gene. She has two fabulous teachers who job share and we're all working together to help Caroline understand sometimes you need to just shut your trap:) Of course the teachers are putting it more appropriately! The great news is academically she is doing great and I am thankful for that. I tended to be the kind of kid who never shut up and didn't really care about fractions or how to spell. That combination did not always serve me well! Caroline and Matthew are going to Awana at the new church we're attending and Caroline really enjoys it. She got to take home a special stuffed animal last week and her face was literally beaming with pride. It is moments like that where I realize it's all about finding the right way to motivate her. If she is motivated, Caroline is literally unstoppable. I can't wait to see what kind of person she will become. I have said it before and I will say it again, Caroline knows her mind. She knows what she likes and what she doesn't. She is learning to have more self control and to direct her perseverance in positive directions. Remember when you were little and you wrote your name out and had a corresponding adjective for each letter of your name? I decided in honor of Caroline turning six, I am going to do that.
C: Cuddly, she loves her snuggles. especially when she first wakes up or if she's gotten in trouble.
A: athletic, Caroline is becoming quite the little soccer player and loves to be outside being active
R: realistic, Caroline calls it like she sees it. There is no sugar coating with her!
O: ornate, Caroline loves her bling, her bracelets, her accessories!
L: loving, especially to her little sister, Ellie
I: individual, knows her mind and will let you know what is on it. I don't worry about her following but I do want to help her successfully lead!
N: napper, even now she will try and sneak one in. She loves her sleep and it is the one thing with Caroline where we have no issues!
E: energetic, she loves to learn, to try new things and make new friends!
Happy Birthday sweet girl. We're so thankful to be blessed with such sweetness in our lives!

Matthew

I feel like I haven't talked much about Matthew on here in recent months. Ironic considering he was the reason I started blogging seven years ago. I still can't believe I have stuck with this blog for that long. Anyways, it has been interesting to read back on all of the posts about Matthew over the years. Usually the past posts spark memories I had long forgotten. Funny things he has done or said. Stages he has gone through. Seasons our family has been through. Lately though, some of the words, concerns I had, delays he has struggled with, have all added to my suspicion that he may have a mild case of Cerebral Palsy.
Most people that know me, know that Matthew's birth was anything but calm and relaxing. Well, anyone that knows me knows that is nearly impossible considering I hate pain and would have gladly gotten an epidural about six months along in pregnancy. I  wanted to try and have Matthew vaginally. Long and painful story short, I had a long labor, my epidural never did work and by the time they took me back for a c section, Matthew was deeply lodged in my pelvis. After much pulling, yanking, a midwife, a nurse and my OB on TOP of my body, my OB swearing like a sailor on leave, (HORRIFYING by the way), Matthew was finally dislodged from my pelvis. I remember seeing him briefly and then I passed out from all the drugs and probably from the shock of all that had just gone on. When I awoke, I was literally alone in what seemed like a hallway, no doctor, no baby, no husband. Someone finally came and took me to my room. I didn't see Matthew again for nearly six hours. I remember finally getting frantic at the end and saying something to effect of, "Get me my baby now! or ELSE". After that rocky start, it seemed that Matthew was fine. I kept him with me for the rest of our stay at the hospital and a few days later, we went home. Matthew had a horrible case of torticollis, he always had his head to the far right. In fact he did it so much that he got a flat spot and had to wear a helmet! He always slept in his swing. Being newbie parents we never even considered that perhaps something more than a neck strain happened during his traumatic delivery. Seven years later, I am not so sure.
First of all, let me be clear. For the most part, Matthew is a typical seven year old! He loves sports, playing outside with friends, Wii, Star Wars and war games in general. He is a good student, a great friend with a kind heart, an awesome big brother and a fabulous son. He can walk, talk, play, run, etc. But Matthew does struggle with several things. He constantly walks on his tippy toes, despite our best efforts to remind him to walk with his whole foot. He has always had sensory issues. Matthew can never be hugged tight enough, he loves to play hard, to wrestle and of course there is the snow boot story. When Matthew was three we were outside playing in the snow. We must have gotten 15 inches so I couldn't see his little feet in the snow. At some point his boot had fallen off, along with his sock, and he had no idea! That is when I knew for certain that there was something up with Matthew's sensory system. He did go to OT for about six months and it seemed to help. Matthew also flaps his hands and makes a grimacing face when he is overly stimulated or excited. He is aware that he does this and it doesn't seem to bother him when other kids ask him what he is doing. He simply states, "That's what I do when I am excited. " Matthew struggles with fine motor skills. Writing is very difficult for him and when he writes it looks like someone must younger did it. He struggles with putting on his clothes as well. He has issues with is balance too. All little things, but when I started putting them all together, I wondered if perhaps there was something more to it?
At his 7 year check up I discussed my concerns with his doctor. She brought up the possibility of mild cerebral palsy. We've started the process of obtaining a definitive diagnosis. Matthew had an occupational therapy evaluation yesterday. It was very interesting considering we do a lot of OT testing at my internship. To be the parent of the child being tested was hard. I knew when he was struggling and when he "failed" a task. The great thing is I know how wonderful occupational therapy is. It will help Matthew so much with the tasks he does struggle with!  Matthew will be going to OT once a week for an hour. We have an appointment with the pediatric neurologist in December too.
We realize in the grand scheme of things of ailments that can strike your child, this diagnosis certainly doesn't even come close to grim. In fact, most people wouldn't even notice half of his symptoms. Still, it is something to deal with and to make sure we're doing all we can to help Matthew be all he desires to be. We hate to see him struggle and to get teased.
Looking back, I wonder if this had happened with Caroline or Ellie if I would have done something differently in handling this? I certainly would have been more suspicious of how they treated him after he was born. I would have maybe asked more questions about his status of how he was doing immediately after delivery. But in this world of malpractice lawsuits, I probably wouldn't have gotten many truthful answers. One thing I do know for sure, we've always addressed any issues Matthew has had right away. Maybe that is why he doesn't significantly struggle with these cerebral palsy issues. I have never been one to bury my head in the sand. I am so grateful to have access to great medical professionals and therapists that can come along side Matthew and help him be all that he desires to be!

Back at it

School is back in session. It has been a weird semester thus far. I have two classes that I think will be relatively laid back. They are about individual and family therapy. I am excited to get into the "meat and potatoes" of the counseling aspects of social work. I never imagined myself as a counselor per se, although I always seem to be the person that friends and family talk to about their issues. I could also tell countless stories of the random strangers off the street that tell me the most personal details of their lives, in Meijer!
I have had two weeks of internship at the Child's trauma assessment center, CTAC. This past Friday I helped with an actual assessment. It was pretty intense. I knew it would be intense but the actuality of intense always seems, well, more intense. So far when I leave CTAC, I feel like really I have nothing left to give of myself emotionally and physically for a the rest of the day. I met a friend for dinner last night. I left CTAC and went directly to the restaurant. As I drove there I thought to myself, I am not sure if this was a good idea? Can I even participate in a conversation right now/ It's heavy stuff that I am hearing all day. I am invited into the very personal, very painful, very traumatic lives of these kids and that carries a burden of sorts. I am grateful to be on a team with people who get that and understand the importance of processing that, still you can't be completely unburdened in the very same day that it took place.
One skill I have been able to hone throughout the MSW program is self awareness skills. I know that what will best serve me on Friday nights is to be quiet, to draw in and just be with my thoughts of what I heard and saw that day. To feel sad, to be angry, to feel irritation , thankfulness, or any of the other million thoughts that run through my head on Friday nights. To be alone and quiet is so foreign to who I normally am. Jeff has even commented on the transformation that takes place in me on Fridays.
This morning I woke up at the ridiculously early hour of 5a.m. and the thoughts of the nameless persons I have worked with over the years flooded my brain. I was remembering many stories but could not, for the life of me, remember any names. For a moment I felt guilt  about this. How could I not remember these names? Did that mean I was less of a human, less of a social worker? I came to the conclusion, with some help from a friend, that it's probably self protection. The stories are painful enough and to always have names connected with it would be too much to bear. I think the next nine months will be a very intense experience. Taking care of myself and being able to recognize what is the best and most healthy way to  process it all will be probably one of the most important things I can learn at CTAC.
I know the stories, the grief and the healing I will experience at CTAC will have a profound and lasting impression on me both personally and professionally. I am eager to grow through it all but it is strange to embrace it fully because I know it will be so painful and sad on many days. My motto has always been to give 100%. I am determined to give 100% to the beautiful children I am privileged to serve during my internship. I am honored to hear their pain and hope I can help them to find some hope, whether it be in a game of catch, a conversation we have together, or a report I write that helps the system find a better tomorrow for them. 100% is the least I can do. 

Forgiveness

I suck at it when it really matters. Woah. Hello, Monday raw blog post. I am great at apologizing and forgiving those who I like and those that I love. But if you happen to not fall into those categories I am afraid you tend to be out of luck when it comes to me forgiving you or apologizing to you. To be honest I felt in this last year that I was completely justified in feeling that way about certain people and situations in my life.
The thing is, no matter where I went, in regards to my spirituality, God was screaming at me, "STOP IT". Devotions, sermons, songs, mentors, conversations I have had all led me to screaming conviction. Last week I felt like God was saying, "You will get no where without dealing with this." Stop hating, it is never right, it is never justified and it certainly never represents me." You are ugly when you hate." OUCH again. Ouch seems to be my theme word lately, that is pretty sad.
So what have I been doing to deal with this revelation to be obedient to God? Well, that is still being worked out. Praying for the specific person God has brought to my mind that I need to forgive, is first and foremost. Every time I think something remotely negative, I turn it into a prayer. I The funny thing is, I already feel so much better just in letting go of the hate.  I am even enjoying praying for her and for God's will for how I should handle this to be revealed. My faith and ability to worship has been transformed with the release of this hatred. God has been laying out some other steps for me to deal with this and I am taking baby steps towards it all. I am even kind of excited to see how it all turns out. Whether it is wonderful or not, I am trying to honor my faith and more importantly my God and He always directs my paths to where I need to be.

Mended

I have read Angie Smith's blog for a long time. I love how honest and real she is. She is a gifted and annointed writer. A few weeks ago she wrote about how we all are in need of mending. We all have made mistakes, been hurt and let down. Thankfully, I serve a God who wants to mend me. He wants to make me beautiful from the inside out. I wrote about this a few weeks ago and am posting it again for a contest Angie is having. If you would like her book," Mended " it can be purchased here or here.” She is having a contest right now and I am reposting this entry because I very much feel like the broken jug on her book cover that was smashed to pieces and then put back together, piece by piece!
I can't wait to read her latest book!

Here is my post about the mending God is doing in my life..
 Offending and being offended have been on my mind this week. I realized that someone who I knew I offended a few years ago, was still offended by my Christian beliefs. I won't go into all the hairy details but basically this tends to happen a lot in our world of having  non-Christian friends. They simply do not believe what we believe. That can be very difficult to reconcile when difficult conversations come up. In this particular situation alcohol was involved which is never a good thing when discussing passionate topics. I regret that what I said came across in a offensve manner. I regret that I didn't make more of a concerted effort to talk it through after the fact.
But here's the thing, I felt very strongly that throughout this week of feeling bad about how what my friends have said and thought about me, that God was saying to me, " Why do you never care about offending me?" Ouch. It's so true. I care very much how I am perceived and what people think about me. But when it comes to God's perception, that often goes to the wayside. Why?
I met with a friend and mentor this week to discuss some of the recent struggles I have been having. We talked a lot about this subject and she said something that struck me deeply. My friend said that once we become a Christian we have the holy spirit living within us. When we choose to be sinful, we take along the spirit of God with us. When we speak hatred, when we drink too much, when we scream at our kids, when we're inpatient and angry toward our spouses, when we covet what others have, when we lust, when we watch t/v shows or read books that are inappropriate, the Spirit of God is taken along for all of it. Yuck. Talk about offensive.
I am ashamed that I have let my faith and relationship get so lack luster that I wasn't even recognizing the pain I was causing my God. I am ashamed that I care more about friendships than I do the God who sent His only Son to live a perfect blameless life and be beaten, berated and crucified for me.
Again I am in awe of the grace and redemption that God always offers, every single time that I mess up. I know he must think to himself, "Oh dear, sweet girl,will you ever see the errors of your ways and make it right once and for all?" The beauty and crux of this faith of mine ,that I am not ashamed of, is that He is always willing to help me mend it. He is always able to help me pick up the pieces of my brokenness and make it beautiful.

Boo boo turns 3

A week from today our little baby turns 3. I can hardly believe it. It truly seems like yesterday since that little 6 pound peanut arrived three weeks early into our lives. Ellie has brought us so much joy in these past three years.
This year has been one of lots of growth for our little girl. Ellie is our little blondie and her eyes have become more green than blue. They are big and expressive. Ellie has many faces and expressions. She loves to give you looks when she is feeling pretty much any emotion. Her speech skills ,which were severely delayed, have finally caught up. She did qualify for a special speech program through the public schools here and will be beginning a preschool program that focuses on speech skills in a week. Ellie will go to preschool four mornings a week, on a bus! I can't even imagine what she will look like on a bus! Like last year, she will go to daycare while mommy is at school and internship. She gets to move up to another room which has a preschool curriculum as well. I am sure Ellie will love it. She loves to learn new songs and skills. Of all of the kids, Ellie is the one that actually seems to play with her toys. She has a pretty vivid imagination and loves dolls. She is also an artist like her big sister. Speaking of big sister, Ellie is now sharing a room with Caroline. We decided to take her out of her crib in the middle of the summer, so we wouldn't have to worry about the transition when school had begun. I am very glad we did this because it was a tough transition. But, all seems well now and she is happy to be with her sharing with Caroline. Caroline and Ellie have also discovered that they like to hang out with each other. Caroline can usually wrangle Ellie up to play school, house, babies, store or they often color with each other. It isn't always smooth sailing between them! One of Ellie's favorite things to say to Caroline is "MEANIE!:" whenever she isn't getting her way. Other cute things Ellie says is: Me do it! Why? Calling Caroline her nickname, Squeaky, she is always saying, SQUEAKY? when she can't find her.. Me want running huggy. My big now! Although she refuses to let us potty train her. She will go on the potty but if you try and get her to wear underwear she says,  No underwears, me wear diapers!
Ellie has developed her strong willed muscles this year. Our easy breezy two year old has become a more defiant three year old. She can be challenging and exhausting sometimes.
Because of all of her throat infections this past winter, Ellie had her tonsils out at the beginning of August. It was a rough week of recovery but she is doing fine now!
It has been another great year for our littlest girl. We are so blessed to have such a sweet little girl in our lives. She brings us so much joy and laughter, even in her naughty moments. I told Jeff the other day that  Ellie and her "surprising" arrival into our lives, three years ago,  is one of the best surprises we've ever received. We can't imagine our lives with out our Ellie Bellie, Boo boo girl! Happy Birthday Ellie Jane!

Offense

Offending and being offended have been on my mind this week. I realized that someone who I knew I offended a few years ago, was still offended by my Christian beliefs. I won't go into all the hairy details but basically this tends to happen, a lot, in our world of having  non-Christian friends. They simply do not believe what we believe. That can be very difficult to reconcile when difficult conversations come up. In this particular situation alcohol was involved which is never a good thing when discussing passionate topics. I regret that what I said came across in a offensve manner. I regret that I didn't make more of a concerted effort to talk it through after the fact.
But here's the thing, I felt very strongly that throughout this week of feeling bad about how what my friends have said and thought about me, that God was saying to me, " Why do you never care about offending me?" Ouch. It's so true. I care very much how I am perceived and what people think about me. But when it comes to God's perception, that often goes to the wayside. Why?
I met with a friend and mentor this week to discuss some of the recent struggles I have been having. We talked a lot about this subject and she said something that struck me deeply. My friend said that once we become a Christian we have the holy spirit living within us. When we choose to be sinful, we take along the spirit of God with us. When we speak hatred, when we drink too much, when we scream at our kids, when we're inpatient and angry toward our spouses, when we covet what others have, when we lust, when we watch t/v shows or read books that are inappropriate, the Spirit of God is taken along for all of it. Yuck. Talk about offensive.
I am ashamed that I have let my faith and relationship get so lack luster that I wasn't even recognizing the pain I was causing my God. I am ashamed that I care more about friendships than I do the God who sent His only Son to live a perfect blameless life and be beaten, berated and crucified for me.
Again ,I am in awe of the grace and redemption that God always offers, every single time that I mess up. I know he must think to himself, "Oh dear, sweet girl,will you ever see the errors of your ways and make it right once and for all?" The beauty and crux of this faith of mine, that I am not ashamed of, is that He is always willing to help me mend it. He is always able to help me pick up the pieces of my brokenness and make it beautiful.

Regrouping

We're finishing up summer around these parts. Trying to get back into normal sleeping routines, school supply shopping, school clothes shopping and figuring out our schedules, etc. The kids are excited to meet their new teachers and new classmates. Ellie had her tonsils out and despite a very rough seven days, survived. I begin my internship this week and next with orientation. School begins for all of us after Labor Day.
We are still church shopping ,but I think we've found one that we like and where we think we should establish ourselves for now. I had no idea how much not having a church would negatively impact our lives. I know there was no way around it and am confident in our decision that we made to leave our other church ,but it has been hard.
I am hopeful that with the new season that is approaching that a new season in our lives will begin as well. I have been tremendously convicted as of late about many things and know that now is the time to make changes. Life can spin out of control pretty darn quickly if you're not careful. I am hopeful that as we seek God through our new church and in our daily lives that He will be able to help us establish a more fruitful way of living.

Bake care

A term I have learned in graduate school is, self care. It's pretty obvious what it means, taking care of yourself so you don't get completely burned out when your working in the field of social work. As I have been home the entire month of July, after a nine months of a pretty tight schedule and routine of not being a stay at home mom, I have been a tad bit overwhelmed. I fully admit that I enjoyed my time at school and at my internship. I like having more to my title than mom. So, as I found myself frazzled and sometimes irritated, the idea of self care for moms popped into my head. Now I know that moms are always being told that they need to take time to make time for themselves, are you following me?:) But I ask you when is that suppose to happen? Especially in the stay at home mom's life?? At least when you're a working mom/student mom, you have carved out times that you can squeeze some time in. When your full time job is to be at home with your kids, it is much more difficult to find the time and the resources to make that happen. You have to find someone to watch the kids and usually those people like to be paid:)
One way in which I have been relaxing lately is through cooking and baking. I have always loved trying new recipes, making yummy dinners and treats. Baking is my least favorite, it seems that we don't always see eye to eye, baking and me:) This summer however, that has changed!! I am proud to admit I have made butterscotch/chocolate chip pudding cookies that are to.die.for and a peach cobbler that is scrumptious. Lately I have been obsessed with a seasonal favorite, zucchini and have made many variations including oven parmesean, cakes and plain old fried zucchini. I have tried some new salads, new chicken dishes and even perfected a rib rub!! I credit Pioneer Women, with whom I am just a tad bit obsessed, because she got me inspired to try some new recipes last year at this time through her delightful blog. If you've never checked her out please do so at www.pioneerwomen.com.
I have come to realize that sometimes when you're feeling overwhelmed by life, whether it's because your two year old refuses to nap or your job is super stressful or your marriage is a disaster, sometimes a peach cobbler, in all its delicious, sugary, perfectly crisped cobbler crust, and a dollop of fresh whip cream can make the world a little brighter, or at least a little tastier!!
I am going to try this, again, in hopes that we can get some yummy recipes in the comment section. There is a counter on the blog now, so I know you people are reading, but NO ONE COMMENTS! Please, I beg of you, leave a comment on what you do for self care? If you bake or cook and have a recipe you think we all need to have, link it or write it out! Come on, you can do it!!
Happy bake caring!!

Mid-Summer postings

I can not believe that the fourth of July has come and gone! I remember growing up, my dad would always say on the 4th of July, "Well, summer is half over! Before you know it, school will start again!" It was so annoying! Thankfully my summer break has just begun. We're enjoying a more leisurely pace around here. I am trying to get these children of mine to sleep past 7a.m, we're staying in our jammies a little longer, I'm making pancakes more and just chilling out.
I am happy to report that we've accomplished several items on our Summer bucket list. We've been to the beach, had Popsicle's for breakfast, and gone to a carnival! This past weekend we visited our friends in Traverse City. They have four kids under age eight so adding in our three made for some craziness! Some highlights from the weekend included going to the Cherry Festival and watching the air show and riding the rides at the carnival . The kids loved the rides. Our friends have a blowup water slide and the kids spent all day Friday on it. Jeff got to golf with his buddy, Pat. I forgot to mention that Pat and Pam are the reason that Jeff and I are together. Jeff and Pat were close friends in high school as were Pam and I. While we were at MSU, Pam and Pat met and started dating and they introduced to me to Jeff. We don't get to see them as often as we would like and it was long overdue to get everyone together.
In other news as I stated before, I am done with school till September. I ended up with a 4.0 and I was so happy. This past semester was by far the hardest in the MSW program. Lots of papers and assignments were required and it was a lot of work. I am glad that I did well. I am thankful for Jeff and his support and encouragement. I also am blessed to have two friends who are gifted editors who help me with my papers! It takes a village people, a village to get me through this program!
This week I am having dinner with my a few girls I lived with at MSU. I haven't seen two of them in nearly fifteen years! I am so excited to catch up with them! Next week is Jeff's 20 year high school reunion. It should be interesting to meet some of his high school friends and catch up with others who live out of state. The day after the reunion we head to Silver Lake, up by Ludington , for our annual summer vacation with Jeff's side of the family. Ellie has finally taken a liking to swimming which is nice because being around water with her before that was not exactly fun. Our neighbors put in a pool and for the last month all she wanted to do is walk around it and throw stuff in it..without a life jacket! Of course now that she has transformed into a water baby she wants to be in the water with me, all the time. I don't mind, she is pretty darn cute! I am hoping all goes smoothly at the cottage. I worry about the sleeping aspects because my kids struggle when they are not in their beds.  I am trying to remember that it's only a week and that we will survive. The most important thing is that they have so much fun and are building such great memories with their cousins. This year we will also be taking Matthew, Caroline and Jeff's sisters son, Derek, to Michigan Adventure. After seeing how much fun they had at the Cherry Festival carnival, I am excited to see how they do at Michigan Adventure.
Matthew and Caroline are wrapping up with tee ball/baseball this week. They have both enjoyed playing. Matthew is doing golf lessons every Wednesday through August. Both kids are going to the Springhill day camp at our church in August. I am very excited that they are able to go as I have heard wonderful things about it.
Poor Ellie is having her tonsils out on August 2nd. She has been such a sickly girl the past two winters. Last winter she had strep 7 times. I know once they are out that she will be so much healthier but I am dreading it. It is so painful. Matthew had his tonsils out when he was 5 and it was a pretty hard recovery. Because she is less than three, they will keep her overnight at the hospital. I am grateful for this because when Matthew had his tonsils out the first day was the worse. I am hoping that by being in the hospital we can get a good handle on pain management and hydration. Thankfully Grandma Betsy is taking Matthew and Caroline to Chicago for Camp Grandma, so I can devote all my time to my little patient.
Speaking of Ellie, she is getting so big. Her speech has improved by leaps and bounds in the past two months. In fact, I am fairly certain she will be getting kicked out of the speech preschool she is going to. Oh well, I am just glad she has found her voice! She says the cutest things. Some of my favorites are, " I did it!" " Squeaky, top it!" she calls Caroline Squeaky and has no problem letting her sister know when she is not happy. " No, me do it!" and " Me give you a running huggy" When anyone leaves she likes to run to them and jump into your arms to give you a hug.
We took her out of her crib and into a toddler bed last week. It was going well but tonight we added Caroline, and her bed, to the mix. Let's just say, Miss Ellie is not happy! In fact, she cried for nearly two hours and finally fell asleep under the window in her room. Poor little girl seems a bit confused by all the transitions. Our thinking was that we would do all the changes with the rooms/beds before our new school routines start in the Fall. Because we all know there is nothing I would rather do than listen to my nearly 3 year old scream, "Mommy open dis door!" for hours on end!
I guess that about sums up what's been going on around these parts. I hope everyone out there is enjoying summer!!

Sweet Sam

I have written before about our sweet neighbor, Sam. He was born with hypo-plastic left heart syndrome. He has endured three open heart surgeries in his short three years of life. Sam is one of the cutest, smartest, and definitely most athletic little boys I have ever known. He loves keeping up with  all of the big kids in the neighborhood and is just the sweetest little guy.
God has been so good to Sam and his family these last three years. He has been able to live a relatively normal life despite having half a heart and having his surgeries to make the heart he does have functional for him.
Last week it was discovered that he most likely has a rare condition called Plastic Bronchitis. Plastic bronchitis is very scary and can have grave impact on Sam. His cardiologist here and his medical team at U of M are in the midst of figuring how exactly what this means for Sam. His family has been thrown into some pretty scary realities including the possibility that Sam may need a heart transplant sooner than later.
Its been pretty somber around here. All of us who have come to know and love and live  in community with Sam sometimes forget that he even has a heart condition. He lives such a vibrant life. He has so much energy. He brings everyone so much joy!

This morning I read on a friend's status a devotional from "Jesus Calling". It said the following,

"Stay calmly conscious of Me today, no matter what. Remember that I go before you as well as with you into the day. Nothing takes Me by surprise. I will not allow circumstances to overwhelm you, so long as you look to Me. I will help you cope with whatever the moment presents. Collaborating with Me brings blessings that far outweigh all your troubles. Awareness of My Presence contains Joy that can endure all eventualities." 

I got teary reading it. It was perfect for Jaime and her family and for all of us. I posted it on Jaime's wall. I spoke with a mutual friend of ours later in the day and discovered God has brought that devotion to Jaime's attention three times in the past couple of days. WOW! That is what I love about our God. He knows as humans our tendancy is to freak out. He knows that even though we are faithful we get scared, especially at the unknown. He also knows sometimes it takes three people to drive His words and promises home.
I am still sad that this medical crisis has developed but I stand strong in knowing what that devotional says is true. I especially love the last sentence,"Awareness of My presence contains Joy that can endure all eventualities."
Please pray for Sam and his mom and dad and two sisters. Pray for his medical team, that they would have wisdom beyond measure on how to treat this plastic bronchitis. 

Trek Atlas

I have never hidden the fact that mothering has definitely gotten the best of me at times. It has brought my weakest characterisitcs to the surface. It has taken me to my knees on more than one occasion, that's for sure!
Over the years I have had the priviledge of reading several mom's blogs who are struggling with their children's illnesses. I have read blogs of mother's who have lost their children to cancer and other random diseases. They have all touched me in unique ways. I have lifted them in prayer. They have all, in different ways, taught me something about how to approach parenting and mothering and faith, with fresh, grateful eyes.
A few months ago  I stumbled across a blog about a baby named Trek Atlas. Trek was born with a rare genetic disorder called Niemann pick disease. It is a devastating and cruel disease that is fatal by the age of three. Trek's parents Chelsea and Jarrett and their other two sons had been planning on traveling abroad with their entire family after Trek's birth. When they discovered that their son was going to die, they had a choice of what to do with their lives. They had to decide whether or not to continue with their travel plans or make a new plan to accomodate their son's fatal diagnosis.
In my opinion, they embraced life. They knew their son was dying. They knew they wanted to show him the world. And so they did! They traveled to six different countries. Even if they had remained in the United States there was little the medical community could do for Trek. Comfort care was really the only option and I guess Trek's parents figured that they could provide comfort care he needed while exploring Hawaii, Texas, Japan and Thailand to name a few of the places little Trek was able to see.
According to the blog, Trek was constantly in his momma's arms. His only source of nutrition was his mommy's milk. He was most comforted safe in her arms. Apparently he saved his most spectacular smiles for his daddy:) On June 21st, little Trek left this world. My brain knows Trek is in heaven. He is no longer in pain. He no longer has a fatal disease. He is safe and cradled in the arms of Jesus. But the mom in me can only imagine the horrible pain Trek's mommy is feeling. I can't stop thinking about how her arms must ache for her sweet,sweet boy. I know she must want to see his sparkling blue eyes one more time. His daddy can't imagine he won't see that sweet smile again on this Earth. His brothers, who are young must be reconciling their grief in their own ways too. The family is in Thailand, which was there dream but I can't help but wonder if they want desperatly to be with their family and loved ones here in the United States? I pray that don't feel as far away as they are.
Trek's story has taught me that we really do only live once. The way his parents embraced bad news and decided to continue to live life with adventure is inspiring. We all can learn a lesson through Trek's story.
The same day that Trek died I read an unrelated story about another little boy who died. His mother's only wish was that families all around the world would have banana splits for dinner. That through this simple treat you are creating a lasting memory. I have to admit that when I do this my kids will surely never forget it. It is a small gesture with large symbolism. It screams to your kids that we can break the rules. We can decide to do something special for our family. Mommy can be fun.
Sometimes I think it's sad that it takes the death of 15 month old to get my priorities straight when it comes to parenting and being grateful for my kids. It shouldn't take a tragedy for me to realize what blessings God has bestowed upon me.

Dang!

Dang is the word that comes to my mind when I think of what I felt in church yesterday. We've been going to a new church for about two months now. The kids love it. Jeff and I have liked it. To be perfectly honest, we've been in a rut this past six months.  When we left our previous church it took us awhile to get our bearings. I can't speak for Jeff, but I know that I let the irritation of why we left our last church rub like a bad blister. I just let my emotions and feelings about people and circumstances that let us down fester. I refused to pray about any of it. I wanted to be irritated. I just couldn't let it all go. I certainly had no intentions of giving it to God. Well you can guess how that ended up? With me being miserable. It's funny to me how many times a person can continue to make the same crappy decisions. How have I not learned this lesson? I can't even begin to answer it. Well, that's not true, I can. I know exactly what the problem is. If I look through previous blog posts over the last six years I am sure I will find at least 50 posts expressing these exact same sentiments. Uggh, I can barely stand myself right now!
Thankfully I was exactly where God wanted me to be yesterday. The series our Pastor is doing is called, Follow Me. Yesterday, Jeff Port talked about following God and how Satan never picks on those who aren't living up to their Christian potential. Satan knows better than to bother with people like that. Now  I won't say that I am fond of the idea of Satan attacking me but when Pastor was talking, I felt such conviction. I take no chances with my faith. I live for myself. I am not overflowing with Christ. I am ill-equipped spiritually and in many other areas of my life as a result.
I won't go on and on about my plans for renewal and recommitment. I think, this time, that will remain between me and my God. I am hopeful that the convictions I felt yesterday remain shouting in my mind each morning when I am tempted to put off yet another quiet time. I am prayerful that one day of practicing good spiritual habits will turn into all of my days. I am confident that if I fill my mind and time with holy things, I will become holier.
One thought terrified me more than any other yesterday. It was that when I die and meet Jesus, He will say, " You could have done so much more for my kingdom. You had so much to give but you chose to live for yourself". Ouch. 

Summer 2012 Bucket List

If you are a friend of mine on FB, you know how much I love Kelle Hampton's blog! If you've never been, the link is www.kellehampton.blogspot.com. She has two girls, Lainey and Nella. Nella has down syndrome. Kelle's blog is all about celebrating life, the big and small moments. Recently she posted about all the fun stuff she wants to do with her girls and her family this summer. The idea has inspired me! I tend to be the kind of mommy who desperately wants to let her kids finger paint but then gets anxious at the actual execution of finger painting.  I  have always wanted to let the kids sleep in the family room, under the Christmas tree, while watching "How the Grinch stole Christmas". But as soon as the kids start fighting about someone stealing their blanket or being in their spot, I lose it. Well, that is all changing this summer. I have a pretty horrific school schedule until June 27th. But after June 27th...I will be all about the fun, baby! I will. ( I am confident that the mantra "Fake it till you make it"! will enable me to successfully execute the Summer 2012 bucket list!) So, without further delay..here it is. Now, I know people read here but NO ONE ever comments. I implore you to take a moment and at least consider making a bucket list of your own. Don't fret about the details. Maybe your bucket list will have two items, maybe 20. Maybe it will be wildly outlandish. Maybe not. Either way, I want feed back, people!:)

Simpson Family Bucket List Summer of 2012
1. Eat Popsicles for breakfast
2. Take a moon walk
3. Have an impromptu neighborhood bonfire. Invite someone we've never met.
4. Go to the Farmer's Market and buy fresh berries,
5. Make something yummy with said berries and leave it on a unsuspecting neighbor's door.
6. Play in the rain
7. Plant a mini vegetable garden and watch it grow
8. Paint with pudding.
9. Go to the beach
10. Have the kids write letters to the teachers they had this year telling them they appreciate them
11. Have an outdoor movie night
12. Be in a parade
13. Go on a hike.
14. Go on a family bike ride.
15. Surprise daddy at work with lunch
16. Send each of the kid's friends a mini care package.
17. Have a water balloon fight
18. Have a lemonade stand
19. Go to Camp Grandma
20. Go camping!

This SUMMER is going to be AWESOME! Now it's your turn! Have at it!!

Maybe being a mom

 It has been a busy weekend. We have been planning a surprise party for Jeff's mom for several months now. All the planning came to fruition this weekend as we gathered to celebrate this women, Barb, who has blessed all our lives so richly. We were able to keep the party a secret and when she walked through the doors of the room where the party was held, her face was priceless. Complete bewilderment. Complete shock and awe as her face panned the room and she recognized that the room was filled with only people who love her. It was wonderful.
We had invited all the party goers over to our house afterwards and a group of about fifteen came. It was a wonderful afternoon and good conversations and lots of reminiscing. Jeff's sisters had put together picture boards of Barb throughout the years. It was neat to see my husband and his family growing up through the years. There were many pictures of Jeff's father, Roger, who passed away when Jeff was only eleven. The resemblance Jeff shares with his father is surreal. He could be his twin. It was a wonderful day spent celebrating a wonderful mother and women!

Today is Mother's Day. I am not sure why but Jeff continues to not get this holiday right. He has come a long way with recognizing what my love language is and how to make choices that will show me how he loves and appreciates me as his wife and as the mother of his children. I guess when he makes choices to not validate me in the ways I have asked him to again and again, I feel that he maybe doesn't appreciate what I add to his life and to our children's lives. Maybe it is validating the sense of failing that I feel lately when it comes to parenting. I am stressed. I am yelling. I am irritable. So when I wake up on a day when many are being recognized for all they do to make them wonderful mothers and I don't get that, the tiny voice inside my head is SCREAMING,  " I told you, you suck!"

Thankfully, Jeff and I , despite our vastly different love languages and needs for validation, have a good marriage and are able to work through hiccups. He knows he failed today. He knows that I am mad but more importantly he knows I am sad at his lack of consideration. He knows that he will change a few more diapers today and that he won't ask me when I will be home from studying. Hopefully he knows that next year he best have a bouquet of flowers and get the  right damn donut I asked for!

I am thankful for my three munchkins who made me great cards and projects at school. I am thankful for their school that put on a wonderful mother's day tea and their daycare that also had a wonderful mother's day celebration too! I am thankful for all of the blessings in my life. That my children are happy and healthy. That my husband is helpful and supportive and learning. I titled this post, "Maybe a mom" because I had intentions to write about how maybe being a mom doesn't mean having everything go your way in regards to motherhood. Maybe it is the constant battle to be better than you are. Maybe it is doing the best you can, with all you have. Maybe it is something you appreciate when it's too late. I strive everyday not to wish these years away. Sometimes I feel like that is all I do. When will I be able to sleep in again? When will I not have to sit holding a sick baby in one hand and a bucket in the other waiting for her to get sick again? When will I not have Caroline tapping me and saying every.single.morning. " I am hungry, get up now!" When will I not have to ask 100 times for the kids to get their shoes on and get in the car to go to school? I think today it hit me that the answer is ALL TOO SOON! I know when it happens I will be so angry with how I wish it away. I will curse myself for my selfishness and inability to live in the moment. I continue to desire to lean on God more for mothering help. I desire to grow closer to Him through the trials. I desire to cherish more mundane moments. I desire to not wish my children's childhood away. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I finally get it right. I pray that it is! Happy Mother's Day!!

Busy, busy, busy

I have officially finished my first semester of graduate school! Yeah for me! Yeah for having this week off to accomplish the goals I had to clean my entire house, organize all the closets and clean the basement which is really just a toy room/toy graveyard at times! Thanks to all the hard work I did with my friend Nicole, last summer, getting goals like this accomplished are a snap! Seriously, I couldn't believe how easy and painless and even fun it was to clean/organize when everything has a place! I continue to reap the blessings of what Nicole did for us almost a year later!!
Next week I begin the Summer I session which will mean me taking three classes. I am taking Psychopathology, Social Change and The Effects of Child Trauma. Real light material, huh?! I am actually really looking forward to all of these classes. Since I am doing my internship next year at the Child Trauma Assessment Center, the more I can know about child trauma, the better equipped I will be to help serve the children that come to get assessed. The information I will learn in psychopathology is important and relevant to pretty much anything I will be doing as a future social worker. Being able to properly diagnose someone with a mental illness is important! I have a feeling I am going to think of lots of crazy people I have run into in this sometimes strange life and diagnose them. The last class is with a professor I had last semester and he is wonderful! He epitomizes social work and is a wonderful example of how to make lasting, relevant social change. Two of my classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The child trauma class is a three weekend class held in Grand Rapids. It is held Friday nights from 5-9 and then all day Saturday from 8-5, so those weekends will seem long. Throw in Matthew and Caroline playing baseball/tee ball, school ending, camps beginning and I feel like we're going to be dizzy by the end of June! Thankfully, I am all done on June 30th. Then we will have the rest of the summer to relax and just enjoy doing nothing. I am sure we will find many activities to keep us busy. It will probably seem boring around here after the hectic schedules we've had this past year!

One Year Down

By the end of this week I will be done with my first year of graduate school at Western. It has been an interesting year. It has been a great year. It has been a year unlike any I have ever known. I have learned so much about myself during this past year. I have learned there are some really crazy people out there and some of them end up teaching you in graduate school. I have learned that I love helping people who are hurting, going through difficult times and need a person to help them through the foggy abyss that life can sometimes feel like. I have learned that I love hospital social work. I have learned that the world of neurological rehabilitation is fascinating and terrifying all at the same time. I have realized that I really should never take one moment of my life for granted. That my health and that of those I love is such a precious gift. I have learned just how much a medical crisis can impact your life and those who love you. I have met some wonderful new friends who have reminded me of what it's like to be younger and idealistic. I have learned that even though I have 37 years of knowledge and experience, I don't know it all. I have learned that sometimes you just have to shut up and listen. I have learned that you can take something, whether it is a lesson in what you should never do again or what you aspire to be like ,from everyone you're privileged to know and interact with in this world. I have learned that sometimes there are situations in this world that are unfair and sometimes there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. Still, even through the disbelief and the anger, you can choose to learn from the crap that happens too, that there are lessons in all of the moments that make up your life. I have learned that I love being a student. I love having something for myself. I have learned that I do not miss being a stay at home mom. I have learned that dreams change. I have learned that I am blessed beyond measure to have a husband that is so supportive of me and my goals. I have learned that not everyone is so lucky. I have learned to just let the little things that bug me about being in relationship and marriage for nearly ten years because the big things are really what counts. I have learned that when challenged about my morals and values and faith that I am able to proudly hold my head high and speak MY truth. I have learned that sometimes my TRUTH isn't others and that's o.k. too! And finally, I have learned that I  am more REPUBLICAN than DEMOCRAT! Gasp!

Happy Birthday Matthew!

Matthew will be seven on Saturday. How can that be?? I started this blog when he was just 8 months old. Has that much time passed??? Oh, Matthew. What a boy he has become over this last year. He has matured so much. In fact, if you were to tell me what our boy would be like now, when he was 18 months old, I would have called you a big ol'liar! I can hardly believe the toddler that once drove me to the brink of insanity could become such an obedient, follow the rules at all costs kind of a kid. He had really come into his own this past year. Matthew continues to be thoughtful and patient and considerate. Although Caroline may beg to differ sometimes:) Ellie adores him and he is such a wonderful big brother to both Caroline and Ellie.
He continues to love Star Wars, Indiana Jones, hockey, and Wii!! He has many friends at school and seems to get along no matter where he goes. Matthew is a home body. He is most content when he is home in his pj's, playing Wii or hanging out with his Daddy. Speaking of which, Matthew is very much a Daddy's boy. He loves to have spend time with Jeff playing sports, watching movies, reading, playing games and beating him on the Wii!
Lately I find myself just wanting to hug him and love on him as much as I can. I know that as he gets older the more likely it is that he won't want his mommy to hug him randomly. I hope not but I am preparing myself. Matthew adds so much to our lives. I am so grateful that seven years ago we were blessed with our special, sweet, kind little buddy. Happy 7th Birthday sweet boy!

Dear Caroline and Ellie (when you're in college)

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the fact that I have daughters. Well, I guess not so much that I have them, but that they will grow up to be teenagers. The thought frightens me to my core. I think back to my teen years and feel like I really wasn't all that awful to deal with. Although I think if you asked my parents, especially my dad, he would say I certainly had my moments. In fact, I have seen him laughing ever so slyly under his breath when Caroline sasses me. It's like he's thinking, "Payback, baby, PAYBACK!" I still get made fun of for my overuse of the word "Whatever" to them whenever I was annoyed by their disregard for what I wanted to do. I don't remember being overly rebellious. I hung out with a great group of girls who had my best interest at heart. I guess that is the first thing I would tell my girls, choose your friends wisely. I remember so many times, hearing my dad say, usually to my brother," If you hang around garbage you start to stink!" So true. The thing about being a teenager/young adult,what have you, is that your are sometimes drawn to the bad girls. Please, sweet girls, RUN from them! I pray they find great, solid, Christian friends who share their faith and yet want to have adventures.
I also remember thinking to myself before I left for college at Central Michigan University, " I am going to drink and have such a good time!" and we're not talking lemonade, folks. Well, maybe it was lemonade but it was heavily spiked with vodka.Drinking and doing it to excess was at the root of every bad decision I ever made in college. I am not saying that I expect my kids will never drink. Will I be the kind of parent who gives my kids alcohol in our basement or turns the other way when they do it underage? No, I won't. My parents didn't and I always felt that it set appropriate boundaries. I never stole alcohol from my parents. I would say to my girls and my boy, for that matter, be very careful with alcohol. It is very alluring and a fair weather friend that turns into a foe very quickly.
Speaking of drinking and bad decisions. I certainly want my girls to guard their hearts and their virtue. That's all I have to say about that.
At the end of the day, I desire for my girls to know their own hearts and convictions. I want them to follow the path I have tried to set before them because THEY have a desire to do so. I want them to be faith filled and Christ filled because they are. Do I expect perfection? Certainly not! Do I know they will stumble and even be led astray, sadly, yes I know this is probable. Yet, I believe that if we build a solid foundation and model this in our own lives, that they will come back to what they know, in the end, is right for them.
There is a song by Mumford and Sons called "Roll away your stone" it is an awesome song and there is a line in there that sums the grace I always want to extend to my children,
It seems that all my bridges have been burnt
But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works
It's not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive with the restart
Dear Caroline and Ellie and Matthew too, Know you can always come home. NO matter where you've been or what you've done. Grace will always be here for you.

Boo boo goes to school!

All three of my children have struggled with speech delays. If you know me you're probably thinking how can that be?? I clearly have no issues talking. I blame the Simpson genes! We all know Jeff is a man of few words. I have always said he chooses his words carefully. An art I continue to try and emulate. Anywhoo..Matthew began the slow to talk trend. In fact, I would say he had the most severe delay. He began therapy at 18 months. We had a wonderful therapist named Ms. Karla. She was the angel of speech therapists. Matthew was so frustrated with being unable to communicate that he would run from her, throw things at her, hit her. Wowza! He was a little pain! She hung in there and persevered and our little guy went from neery a word to talking in FULL BLOWN sentences. Seriously, one day he literally woke up and was like, "Mother, good morn, I would like toast and a cup of milk. Thank you so much. " Well, maybe not quite like that, but close. He never had to go to speech again after age 3. Then Caroline came along and struggled greatly with her speech. Unfortunately I had problems getting her qualified until she was three. I wish I had fought harder for early intervention because she is still in speech and struggles with stuttering.
So along comes Ellie and I will admit, I thought to myself, this is our talking kid! She is the third! By the time she is 18 months she will be talking in full sentences. Nope. Although she did say words. But, being I was a seasoned speech mom by now, I had her tested when she didn't say more than ten words at age one. She didn't qualify. Her speech seemed to cease in progressing from age one to two so I had her tested again. I had to admit this, but on the day of testing, I hoped she would under perform. I know it is mostly a numbers game when it comes to qualifying so the less she said, the better. I also knew that one of Ellie's problems with speech is that sometimes she has the words and other times, she can't make the sounds. Well, she was my shining pupil and completely underperformed and qualified. For a few months we had an intern because our beloved Ms. Karla was out on medical leave. When Karla returned this week, she was quite alarmed with the lack of progress Ellie has made. She recommended that we enroll Ellie in the special education preschool program next Fall. I will admit when I heard this voice mail, while at my internship yesterday, I cried. I am not sure why I cried? Maybe it was because I didn't realize her delay was the significant? Maybe it was because I can't imagine my last baby going to school FOUR days a week on a BUS!? Maybe it was because I don't want her to have to ride a bus when she is three but I have class and internship to contend with and I feel mommy guilt? Maybe it was PMS? Who knows!? But, once I calmed down, talked to Ms. Karla,whose opinion I trust implicitly and Jeff, I realized all the tears were for nothing. This is a good thing. Our girl will get the extra assistance she needs from specially trained teachers to learn to communicate better. She will be with other children who have the same types of difficulties. She will make new friends in a diverse environment and it is FREE. My tears soon dried and were replaced with emotions of joy and thankfulness that we have such wonderful resources available to us.
So in a few short, six months when Ellie is just three years old, she will head on a BUS to school! Time certainly does fly!

Birthday Blues

I turned 37 yesterday and I think I may have just experienced " I am getting older" birthday blues. Usually, I love everything about a birthday. Celebrating, getting gifts, having lots of people celebrate that YOU were born, going out to dinner, eating cake! This year Jeff actually got on the clue bus that I have been loudly honking and got me some great gifts, a specialty cake and took me out for dinner! And yet I was really down and grouchy yesterday. No matter how good the day went, I felt this sense of blah. It was really annoying. I finally went to Jeff, late in the day, and tearfully admitted my feelings. He offered a sympathetic ear, gave me a hug and said, " I think you're just depressed that your old!" Leave it to Jeff to put it all into blunt perspective. Maybe that is what it was? Today I woke up feeling so relieved that it wasn't my birthday. That it is over. That I am gulp..37. Now I know that 37 certainly isn't ancient. I know that I have nothing but great blessings to be thankful for in this life. I have had a wonderful 37 years and look ahead to the next 37 with great anticipation.
I don't really know what to make of the emotions that came with turning 37. Maybe when I turn 38 I will figure it out!

When I only had one kid..

My supervisor at my internship has a little girl that is the same age as Ellie. She told me on Friday that she is pregnant with another little person due in September. Now don't get me wrong, I love my internship supervisor. In fact, if you just read my last post you read the glowing praises I had to say about her. But, and I say this with the utmost respect, she only has one kid. Her little one if well behaved, easy going and life for her as a mother so far as been pretty darn perfect. I remember when I was her. You think you're so savvy, you've got this mothering down. Nothing phased me in the first year of Matthew's life. I remember many a nights, gently rocking him, singing to him, nursing without issue, reading to him, praying over him. I was consistent with everything. I was never overwhelmed. As I type this I laugh because little did I know how much my life would soon be rocked...TO THE CORE! When Matthew was a mere nine months old I became pregnant with Caroline, unexpectedly. I feel like I literally got pregnant with Caroline and it triggered something inside of my sweet little boy. He became, well, hmm..how should I put this?? Well,he became a pain in the arse! Into everything. Speech delayed, walking delayed, busy, busy, busy!!! Then when Matthew was 18 months old Caroline arrived on the scene. We love our sweet girl but she has been a pistol since she popped her head out of the cesarean incision! Colicky, finicky, horrid nurser. (Of course she had redeeming qualities, which I am omitting for dramatic effect!:)
My perfect parenting, it went to hell in a hand basket. Caroline's bed time routine consisted of shoving a bottle into her mouth and holding her at just the right angle so she didn't puke it all back up. Caroline's medical dramas also began pretty soon after her arrival. All the planning and good intentions in the world were trumped over and over by the demands of being a mom to two children under the age of two. I learned some of the most challenging and hardest lessons during that season in my life. All my life, all I had ever wanted was to be a mother. When I was a mom to one child, it was if a dream came true. Then a mere two years later and I was overwhelmed and often sad. We found our way, Matthew, Caroline and I. Through great friends, supportive family, an incredible husband, a faith in a God that I could always lean on, we made it. Did I make mistakes? Hell yes! Do I continue to? Certainly! Do I find that life has more balance now a days? YES! Do I ever miss those days of the past? Not quite yet. The kids, being ages 7,5.5 and 2.5 are still little and they can still frazzle me. But, slowly but surely,this momma has gotten her groove back. I have realized why I wanted to be a mother again. I have found ways to discipline that work. I have begun to understand that for every bad thing you do, the few good, consistent things really round it all out. At the end of the day, I have three beautiful, sweet, healthy and for the most part, well behaved children. They are resilient thank goodness and for every grouchy mommy day I have given them, the ones where we lay around in our pajamas coloring and watching movies seem to over ride the not so good days. As my mom always said as I was growing up, " I do the best I can!" In the end, that's all anyone can really do.
And so when I am tempted to give Sheryl lots of advice about what to expect and what to do and what not to do, I tell myself to shush. She'll find her own path, I am sure of it. And if she should find herself the mother of a crazy, colicky, asthmatic, speech delayed, sensory craving child..well then, I am at the ready:) In closing, in my nearly seven years of parenting I only have one piece of advice to any prospective parent and it is.." Never say never and never say always!"

Waah!

What is waah, you may be asking yourself?? That is the sound of me crying when I think about my internship ending at the Borgess Neuro Rehab. I have been there seven months now. I have loved every.single.day! I have been blessed beyond measure to know the nurses, the doctors, the occupational and physical therapists and their staff but most of all from Sheryl, the MSW who supervises me and from the patients. Sheryl is the greatest example of what I strive to be as a social worker. She is leads by example, has integrity,compassion, boundaries, self-awareness and has taught me so much on how to be effective. I joke with her all the time about her detail oriented she is and how much I LACKED that skill before working with her. She has taught me so much about how to be more detailed oriented and the importance of that and how reflects on you as a professional.
In many ways, Sheryl and I are very different. Maybe that's why our relationship has worked so well. We're different but we have a mutual respect for our differences and how those differences really compliment each other and makes us more effective. I am certain that spending eight months with Sheryl will have a profound and lasting impression on me for years to come.
The patients, those who have had strokes, suffered traumatic brain injuries, been hospitalized for several months and are now are weak and in need of intensive rehab, have taught me so much too. That you never really can take this life, your health, today, tomorrow, your family, your job, for granted. Nothing is a guarantee in life. Nearly all of the patients I have been privileged to work with are inspiring and courageous. It has been a pleasure to be of assistance to them in a valley of their lives. It has caused me to have some tough discussions with Jeff about what our wishes and desires are for one another and our family if God forbid a medical crisis of this nature should occur. Because one thing I have learned is that most people don't think it will happen to them and aren't prepared. It has made me appreciate that my parents and Jeff's still have their health and that we haven't been faced with these difficult decisions and to have those talks with them to.
Most of all, my internship at Borgess has given me inspiration again. To be a better social worker. To continue to give 100% every time I am there and do all I can to make life better. Even if all I can do is secure the medical equipment they will need to return home once they leave the hospital.
I have taken an internship next year at the Child Trauma Assessment Center. It will be a much different experience than the hospital setting. Though I am certain that many of the lessons I have learned through the rehab team will transfer. I look forward with anticipation and back with much gratefulness.

Listen to God or crazy people will endlessly email you!

Hey readers, all five of you:)! I am sorry for the drama that ensued last week on Facebook. I had some major drama going on. I will admit that some of it was my own fault. I was introduced to some one's blog who I barely know. Sometimes her blog has fun things, good recipes, cool craft ideas. But mostly her blog annoys me. So why read a blog that annoys you? Exactly! I wasn't for many months. Especially after I wrote a comment about her pics being stolen and posted on pinterest. I simply said that when you try and make your blog more public there are casualties if you don't safeguard things like photos. She deleted it and accused me of being negative and told me not to read her blog anymore. As if she has control over things like that. I did feel that God was telling me to stay away. I think He knew that there would be craziness if I ever commented in any way again. Well, I had a glass of wine, I went, I read and the hypocrisy , oh the hypocrisy!It may have been the wine, it may have been me not being able to just mind my own business. Whatever the reason, I commented. I called her out on what I felt was hypocritical. Let's just say it did NOT go over well..AT ALL. She immediately deleted the comment, came here and made a nasty comment, which I moderated b/c all of my comments are moderated. I then went to her via FB and wrote her a message saying that I didn't appreciate her comments and that I would stay away from now on because of how vain and self-absorbed she was. Then her husband wrote me a couple of hours later and his email was downright crazy talk. Especially when I initially only stated that her blog etiquette post was hypocritical. As far as saying she was vain and self absorbed, not nice, but you would think I threatened her life with the way he was talking. In fact, it was so crazy, that even Jeff was annoyed which is something you never see.
BUT, and there always is a BUT, I totally reaped what I sowed. God warned me, I didn't listen and this is what happened. I am annoyed at her but I am more annoyed at myself. God was just shaking his head at it all but I could tell he didn't feel bad for me at all.
So, I made my blog private. But it is such a pain to put everything in place for those who want to read it and are harmless. I have blocked all of the people associated with the blog. I don't think anyone will read her or comment further. At least I hope so. If I continue to have issues then I will have to close her down again!
Lesson learned. Listen to God. For you never know if He's protecting you from a person or something more!
Here's praying for less drama!

CrAsH!

That is the sound of me falling off the workout wagon. I was doing great for over a year going to gym faithfully three to four times a week. Since beginning school, I started to slip a little more simply because there wasn't enough time. I can usually make it work on Mondays and Tuesday mornings. But then Ellie started speech and they asked that it be every other Monday at 8:30, right during the time of my favorite class, Body Combat. Add the holidays and lax eating and well let's just say the jeans are a wee bit tight.
HOWEVER...I shall not be discouraged. I won't be brought down that easily! I won't buy bigger jeans! This isn't my first time at the fall off the workout routine rodeo! The good thing is I desperately miss working out. I love having that time to turn on my I Pod and sweat it out to Florence + Machine or whatever new artist I happen to discover I love at any given moment.
A new plan is all that is necessary for me to get back on this wagon. This new plan will be working out every Monday morning that Ellie doesn't have speech for the regular class I love. I will also hold Tuesday open from 8:30-10 for working out. It will be sacred. Unless illness befalls us, my booty and Ellie's lil' booty in the daycare, will be there! On speech days and on Thursdays, for now, I will go at 5:30 AM! I get up then anyways for my internship. I will go the gym for a quick workout and shower and get ready there. If this seems to work I will add Friday mornings in. That will give me a total of three days, at first, and then hopefully I will become addicted and be the person you see in there all the time. Well, let's not get crazy!
If you read here and you pray, pray for me, won't you?! I have worked very hard the past five years to lose weight. I have kept most of it off but I would love to lose another forty before my husband's 20th reunion this summer and certainly by my 20th next summer. That would have me being the lowest weight ever since, well, ever:)
I am hoping this will motivate me. Since beginning school, I have realized that I am pretty good at sticking to something if it's planned out. I know sitting in tight jeans thinking, "Good gravy when can I peel these bad boys off?" certainly makes it pretty damn easy to get my arse moving again!

John

I will never forget the little boy, who had been beaten with a hanger by his baby sitter's 13 year old son. His soulful eyes literally pierced my soul the moment I met him. He was timid and scared and his eyes were so very wide with fear. His mother was drug addicted and was now gone from his life. His father was murdered in a gang shooting shortly after his birth. I had the privilege of working with John at the Cook County Juvenile Court. We met with him over a two week period. I probably only saw him two or three times. Once to prepare him to go into the large courtroom, filled with adults and the boy who did this brutal thing to him. His grandmother brought him every time. Sadly, she was completely detached from this precious little boy whose had known more sadness, pain and loss in his short three years than most experience in a lifetime. She was disinterested in him in a variety of ways. He came to her only because she was his only living relative that was willing. When asked about long term plans for John, she had none. She wasn't interested in any services we could provide that would make this sweet boy's life more comfortable or even bearable. This little boy didn't have a room or a bed even. He slept on the floor in the living room each night with a blanket.
When it was John's turn to testify I remember leading him to the stand, as he passed the offender, he froze in absolute terror. Although he had been prepared for the reality that this boy was in the room, the reality to this precious boy was quite another. I smiled down at him and gave his hand a squeeze as if to say,"You're o.k. buddy, you've got this." He did have this. He did wonderfully, his testimony flawless. The offender was convicted of aggravated battery and sentenced appropriately.
After the trial, John and I had a few moments alone before everyone came back into the room. I told him how brave he had been and how great he had done. He crawled up on my lap and I remember we just colored a picture together, a rainbow. I started it and as I prompted him, he added to it. I remember feeling some relief that he was able to imagine. He was able to dream of a world outside of the one he found himself in.
Soon his grandmother came and took John out of the courtroom, out of my life, forever. I remember wanting to grab him and hold on to him and to keep him. I have worked with many children over the years and this boy had me. I couldn't bear to see him go. But, go he went. I had to go to the bathroom because I couldn't contain my sadness. I cried and cried and then decided that I needed to move on. That, if I held on to the grief I felt for this little boy that I wouldn't be able to help others that were as deserving as him.
Thirteen years have passed since I met John. I think of him often and pray that he found his way in this life. That someone did love him and see the sweetness and sadness in his soulful eyes. I pray he was rescued.
As I was deciding whether or not to apply to graduate school last year at this time, John's face and those eyes flooded my mind. I thought that in the end, even in the sadness of not being able to "fix" everything about John's life, even though I couldn't right all the wrongs that had been done to him, I could for a few moments give him a rainbow. I was able to give him a hand to hold when he so desperately needed to cling to one. I was able to give him 100% of my efforts for him, for his family, for his social worker.
Each time I work with someone now I remember John and strive to give each person that same amount of effort. I have to believe that sometimes that's all we can do. Whether we're social workers or lawyers or doctors or waitresses. I know that to survive it the world of social work as a career that 100% is sometimes all I can offer.
I hope John continued to draw rainbows. I hope I am able to always impact lives and never just go to work, fill the time and not have any investment in the clients I am privileged to work with. I pray that those of you who read here have that same joy in your work. I hope you're able to give your 100% joyfully and with purpose.
I am contemplating doing an internship at the Child Trauma Assessment Center next year. You can tell just by the title that is hard work. It is filled with kids like John who have had to deal with too much too soon. The thought of being there and assessing those types of kids and situations quite frankly terrifies me. It can so much easier to just do the easier work, to leave that kind of work to someone else. I can't help but think that God is whispering to me, "There are more rainbows to be drawn, Susan". Well, then I guess that's all there is to say.

Things I love...

After a day of school and a little distance from my little lovelies and reading Pioneer Women's blog here is a more positive, less whiny list today of the things I LOVE:
1. Jesus
2. Jeff
3. My boy
4. My girls
5. Grace (not the girl, the most amazing gift)
6. Biggby coffee
7. Roasted brussel sprouts
8. Holidays
9. A Sunday afternoon nap.
10. A fun night out with the girls
11. My Kindle
12. Reading
13. Discovering new music
14. How God finds the most suttle ways of speaking to me.
15. My internship
16. Girl's Weekends with life long friends
17. Laughing till you want to throw up
18. Caroline's smile
19. Matthew's insight
20. Ellie's giggles
21. Sleeping in.
22. Hearing a great sermon that makes you feel on fire for God.

See, I am not always such a Suzie Sour puss:)

The whole - HEARTED truth

Today is Valentine's Day and I am so not feeling the love. Warning: If you're looking for a touchy feely, inspiring post..GO ELSEWHERE:)
My kids are 6,5 and 2. This is the first Valentine's Day that they get the meaning of it. The meaning of it to me, is to show EXTRA appreciation for those you love. How did I do this for my family today you may be asking yourself. Well, and yes, I realize I am being a wee bit bratty by listing it but it's my blog so too bad!:)
1. Bought 3 darling little baskets for the kids and filled it with some things I knew they would love including candy, crayons, books. A new piggy bank for Ellie who has been coveting her brother and sister's forever!
2. Made a special Valentine's Day lunch with heart shaped sandwiches.
3. Ordered special Valentine's Day cupcakes for our family and paid extra for Caroline to have egg free cupcakes.
4. Bought heart shaped pizza for dinner.
5. Bought Jeff a funny card and wrote something really nice inside.
Well intended but here is how the day has gone:
1. I could tell from Matthew's face that his basket didn't exactly thrill him. Probably because it didn't include any Wii games!
2. Caroline cried at 7 a.m. because she couldn't have candy.
3. The kids had a playdate and Caroline was downright witchy to her friend.
4. The kids have fought and whined ALL damn day!
5. The kids have told me I am the meanest mom ever about 10 times each today.
6. Ellie suddenly turned naughty:)!
And yes, I know, I am blessed. Yes, I know I am a brat. Yes, I know I should just be grateful that the biggest problem, right now, on February 14, 2012 is that my kids are being brats and my husband still doesn't get it that I want him to go out of his way for me, ONE FLIPPIN DAY a year.
This Valentine's Day I feel a little bit like the single girl who is surrounded by people in love and you just want to scream, "Take your flowers and candy and kids who bring you breakfast in bed and shove it!" Wow, I really am letting it all hang out.
Oh well, hopefully, at the very least, I am teaching my children that in our family we value love and being love and showing each other love. At least I hope that's what they are learning in their rooms, since I grounded them for the rest of the night!
How do you like me now, Cupid?!

What the hooligans are up to..

Time for an update on what Matthew, Caroline and Ellie are up to these days. Why? No, its not any one's birthday, no one has done anything that spectacular or earth shattering. I guess that's why. Lately I have had a melancholy of sorts with the realization that one day all of this will be a distant memory and my little children will be three teenagers and I want to remember the cute, the irritating and all that falls between.
I think it began when I re reading some old posts about how Matthew use to crawl into our bed in the morning, when Caroline was not even 2 and have the sweetest little chats with me. Let's just say he doesn't do that anymore. What I would give for one more lispy conversation with my little pacie obsessed baby boy. Now he rarely comes into our bed. He is "big" enough to come downstairs without us and almost always sleeps in anyways. Maybe it is that Caroline lost her first tooth and I realized that she is closer to 6 than 5. Or maybe it was that I have found some new blogs lately, the depressing kind that make you want to hold up in your house with your kids and just love them 24 hours a day because really we never know what tomorrow brings. Whatever the reason, here we go...

Matthew..6 but inching closer to 7 with each passing day. Loves Wii, loves Legos, loves Star Wars, Indiana Jones, ninjago, pokemon, Harry Potter, hockey.
Dislikes school but is good at it! He loves to read and is a good student. In fact he just got his second report card and his teacher had lots of glowing things to report about our guy. He has many friends and seems to just get along wherever he goes. He is our night owl and the kid could go on about 5 hours a sleep a night. He is a lover of all things stuffed animals too and sleeps with about 100 at night. He is a big fan of Daddy and is his constant companion.

Caroline..5 and nearly a half. Caroline just lost her first tooth! As I mentioned in another post, her vision is our latest issue. We're going to Ann Arbor and she will be wearing a patch starting next month. Caroline's asthma has been very well controlled this winter and for that we're very grateful! Maybe last year's winter of sickness built the middle sister's immunity? Caroline loves school and excels at it. Favorite past times include coloring, painting, drawing, having mommy spell out letters for her so she can write letters, stories, etc. She still goes to speech therapy twice a week at school and I have to say when she finally loses her lispy way of talking I will be one sad mommy. Things you may hear her say include, " Oh man!" when she is exasperated by not getting her way. " " I weally don't like"..insert pretty much every food except turkey hotdogs, bananas, grapes, bologna or Oreoes! Caroline continues to be very allergic to peanut and eggs which means she is always packing some oreos and an epi-pen , like any good anaphylaxic should!The girl loves "homework" oh dear Lord please let this continue! She also brought home a great report card. Caroline started gymnastics in the Fall and will be in her first recital in June. Still spunky, still sweet, that's Caroline!

Ellie, 2 and our little boo boo! (Our favorite nickname for her!) She loves keeping up with her big brother and sister. Ellie adores going to daycare three days a week while mommy is at school and internship. She is learning all about numbers, letters, the weather and about GOING POTTY. Mommy loves that part!! In January Ellie moved to a classroom with older kids and has done great with the change. Last week she started speech therapy and wouldn't you know it she has begun talking more and more. Her favorite things to say are, " I want mo!" I want Daddy or mommy" or whatever she wants at that given moment! She is social and sweet and well, we think pretty darn cute too!

So there you have it, or I guess, there I have it. What my kids are up to and like on 2/6/12!

Sweet baby browns

Caroline's eyes are beautiful. They are a dark, chocolately brown and big and she has the longest, most luscious eyelashes a girl could want for. They are straight from her Daddy and thank goodness she inherited them because they would certainly be wasted on a boy. Something else our middle gal inherited from someone, somewhere is her lazy eye and misallingmnet. We noticed this when Caroline was just a little baby, not even nine months old. We freaked out because for about 48 hours we were very worried that our girl could maybe have something worse than a lazy eye.
Caroline has been wearing glasses since she was 10 months old. They are definitely a part of her. When she awakens in the morning she almost immediately asks, "Where are my glasses?!" Even in the midst of the fiercest temper tantrums, the kind that end with Caroline exhausted and asleep in her bed, there you will find her glasses, folded and neatly placed next to her weary head. We've been seeing a pediatric opthomologist in Grand Rapids from the beginning. Although his personality can be strange, I have felt that we've been in good hands. He is conservative and certainly doesn't rush to surgery. But after yesterdays apt, in which I sensed a bit of alarm in the lack of control we have over amblyopia, I have decided to seek a second opinion. For those of you who don't know what amblyopia and strabismus are here is some information:

Amblyopia occurs when the nerve pathway from one eye to the brain does not develop during childhood. This occurs because the abnormal eye sends a blurred image or the wrong image to the brain.

This confuses the brain, and the brain may learn to ignore the image from the weaker eye.

Strabismus is the most common cause of amblyopia. There is often a family history of this condition.

The term "lazy eye" refers to amblyopia, which often occurs along with strabismus. However, amblyopia can occur without strabismus and people can have strabismus without amblyopia.

Caroline has both amblyopia in her left eye and strabismus in both eyes. Yesterday's screening alarmingly showed that we do not have good control of the amblyopia in her left eye. Her vision, even with correction, is not good. So in April we will go to Ann Arbor and get opinion from another expert. We want to cover all our bases. We want Caroline to have the best possible eyesight. Bonus is there a Trader Joe's in Ann Arbor! You know me, always able to find the silver lining in any eye crisis:)!

Ho hum

I don't really feel like writing about the fast. But here is where I am...
1. No pop
2. Had one cup of coffee, felt wretched and am seriously considering giving up coffee for good.
3. Praying every morning and did my devotional three days but still not in the Bible every day!
4. Doing a great job of drinking lots of water each day
5. Eating a ton more veggies and lean meats and overall healthier
6. Still falling victim to the occasional cookie or two.

God is working on me in many ways right now. I went back to my old church today and am most likely going to stay there for awhile. I am focusing on all the great things and people that our church has to offer and praying about and for the things I don't care much for and people I could go without dealing with. I met with Nicole this Friday night and we had a great talk about praying for people who have hurt you or that you just plain don't like. GULP! I will totally admit that I am not a fan of thinking nice things about people that have hurt me. But guess what, God does and He does care if I sow bitterness in my heart and soul. So, as Nicole said so eloquently, I am going to "fake it till I make it!"
Goals for this week,
1. No coffee or pop
2. Devotional, prayer and Bible reading time EVERY day!
3. Make a list of who I need to be praying for that has hurt me.
God is Good...Have a Blessed week and for the love..comment! I need some comment loving people!
S

A week in..

A week into the fast a few things have become evident to me..
1. I have barely any willpower
2. I can still offer my first fruits.
Are you like, "What? What is a first fruit?" Basically its giving God your BEST not your half hearted attempt. A few days into the fast I realized that I should probably add some more proteins into the mix due to my gastric bypass and inability to absorb all the nutrients I eat. I have remained very strong in my resolve to not have pop or coffee. I also have been strict about the candy. I have had some treats but an overall eating healthy at every meal and not snacking. The devotionals from the Daniel Fast have been good but sadly I am STILL not doing DAILY devotionals. The new plan is to set my alarm for 6 a.m. every morning and do it. This has been my goal MANY, MANY, MANY times before. I hope that the difference is that through this past week, I have learned that there is time and there is a DIFFERENCE when I start my day with God.
Not having any willpower has sucked in a variety of ways. Namely, that I think its influenced my modifications. I simply can't hack a strict eating regime right now. It is hard enough to have three or four things on my "No-no" list. My attempts at modifications feel a bit like if you fall off the side of a cliff and you find yourself hanging on with two hands to the side. You're just glad both your hands are hanging on! I feel like if I added something it would the straw that broke the camels back and there I would tumble..down, down the side of the cliff into a big lake of "coffee, pop, oreos and hershey kisses."
One could certainly argue that modifying a fast isn't fasting at all. I argue not and here is where the first fruits part comes into play. The Daniel Fast devotional talks, on the first day, about how God is pleased when we offer him our best. There are plenty of examples of how when people in the Bible offer their shabby seconds God pretty much takes GREAT offense. There is certainly something to be said about that. After all HE offered His only SON that whoever believes in HIM shall have ETERNAL life. That is what I think is the main point of doing a fast, recognizing that I don't offer my BEST, everyday to God. I almost always go with the second fruit, and that is being generous. I will begin this week with adding back the resolution not to have any sweets like candy, cookies, cake, etc. I can do that. There is no reason why not and anything less would certainly not be a first fruit offering.
Also, I am determined to get myself on a daily quiet time regime. I think the first week has given me the incentive needed to make this a reality.
I think that God respects that I have at least started to live a more disciplined and spiritual life but I know he wants more of me. I have learned this week that I am ill equipped spiritually to handle pretty much anything. That is a frightening feeling and the catalyst I need to change and become well equipped spiritually.
So, the goals for this week are to
1. GET up at 6am every morning and spend 20 minutes at least with God
2. Continue with the fasting I have been doing.
3. Not eat any sweets...
One week at a time, baby!

Godronically!!

We're all headed back to school on Monday. This semester should be a little less hectic than last for a few reasons. One, I only have three classes. Two, I don't have a psychotic professor like I did last semester. I have never been so happy to be out of a class! I headed back to my internship last week after a two week break and it felt good to be back. Matthew and Caroline are less than enthusiastic about going back to school. I have mixed emotions. I miss my school friends but am not excited for homework and never ending lists of things to do. I am ready to have a routine again.
In other big news, I am starting the Daniel Fast tomorrow. It is a 21 day fast where no meats, processed foods, coffee or tea or dairy is allowed. I bought the book and went to the grocery store to buy all the stuff one needs to eat properly. Ironically, or perhaps not so ironically but Godronically, yes that is my very own made up word, I tried a new church today that talked specifically about goal making and setting. I went with Caroline and Ellie b/c Jeff and Matthew had hockey. Don't even get me started on that! I really felt it was an affirmation of how God feels about me embarking on this goal and in this journey of trying to get my FAITH and SPIRITUAL life in order. It is my ONLY goal for 2012. For when you are right with God, you are right with everything else, well everything that matters anyways.
I know some of the next 21 days are going to suck. I mean the thought alone of 21 days without coffee want to make me cry. I wish that the thought of not opening my Bible in much longer than 21 days made me cry because it should. It should bring me to my knees. I KNOW that being without coffee will bring me to my knees and I guess that is the point. I will blog more regularly during this so follow along or JOIN me!!:) Happy Fasting!