How do you measure?

I have been a bit podcast crazy lately. Listening to stories, and tales helps pass the sometimes long commutes I am subjected to.  One of my favorites is "Modern Love". It is a story of love, loss and redemption(this is taken directly from the narrator's description). I have listened to so many Modern Love podcasts and many bring me to tears. Important note, I don't cry easily, if ever.
Lately, the Modern Love podcasts have me thinking about the story of Jeff and I. It is a great story. Well, it is a great story to me and well, I think to anyone who knows us. After considering all that has happened to us in recent years I have decided this story needs to be written in words.
 I met Jeff Simpson in the spring of 1995. I was a junior at Michigan State University, and my roommate Pam had a serious boyfriend, Pat who had a friend named Jeff who he thought I would like. They decided on a casual introduction one late Thursday night. I entered the family room of the musty home, and saw Jeff, splayed out on the couch watching Sports Center. This will always make me smile because 25 years later this is Jeff Simpson on any given night! Pam and Pat cordially introduced me to him and Jeff, in all of his gentlemaness mustered a "Hey" from the laying down position on the couch. I was not impressed. I remember leaving that evening and telling Pam and Pat, "Thanks, I think he is my future husband!" INSERT all the sarcasm. Fast forward two weeks when the group of guys Jeff lived with threw a party, add some keg style miller light and this girl was COMPLETELY smitten with one Jeff Simpson. Ask anyone, I had my fare share of crushes in my life up until now and I don't know what happened but I was SMITTEN. I quickly guzzled some miller lite and with liquid courage running through my veins, boldly (ok, mostly drunkedly I asked him out).  He said, "Sure" which is still a signature Jeff Simpson answer! I wish I could say we lived happily ever after. Long story short our date was at BW'3's during the final four. Worst idea ever. Jeff lives for sports. I have been married to the man for almost 16 years and I won't go near a bar during the final four with him. SO, you can imagine the date went badly. Epic bad.  Still, once the hangover wore off and the horrifying memory of me confessing my love and being thrown to the ground by one of the dogs who's leash I was holding faded, I couldn't get this guy out of my head and off my heart. I knew he was for me. I was relentless in my pursuit.  I rarely see anything though. But Jeff Simpson, I saw him through. For better or for worse, he would be mine!
Fast forward a few years and we found ourselves as young professionals in Chicago. The great thing about Jeff's reluctance in dating me was we became great friends. I don't regret a moment of getting know Jeff as buddy. Four years from the moment I met this boy, we became a couple. Soon after I would succumb to a serious depression . It was in these moments that all I saw in that boy at MSU years earlier came true. He was there for me though a very dark time. When most men would say, "Umm, nope, too much for me, he was steadfast." We dated for several years and then married. We hit a rocky patch about 10 years into our marriage. I think, if we are honest, many marriages hit a rough patch here. Marriage isn't very fun ten years in. Kids, jobs, diapers, mortgages, bills, bottles, diapers, etc. Marriage really sucks ten years in.  Thanks be to God we made it through a very rough couple of years and found our way back to our faith and to each other. Thank God because it seems only months after, on March 7, 2017 at 7:07a.m(but who is counting) I nearly lost this man. Jeff has two very rare blood clotting disorders and long story short he should't be here. But, God. He is here and we are still here. I often find myself thinking about life "before March 7,2017 and after". I mostly live each day in such gratitude for God sparing my beloved's life. I can not imagine living life, and raising kids without him. He is the BEST dad.  All of things that made me think he wasn't the best husband immediately faded in the prospect of losing him. But, the thing is, it isn't fair to hold Jeff to the standard of a "dead man." We are all guilty of making those who've died into saints. Jeff isn't a saint. He is human, just as I am. Also, he isn't dead and the longer he has continued to live, despite almost dying, the more I take his humaness for granted. Thankfully, I usually check myself and think, "Stop. Two is better than one." I have often said that I think Jeff's dad, who died when Jeff was only 11 whispered to God on 3/7/17 as he lay on that table having CPR done, "You can't take him, his wife can't handle the single mom gig." TRUE STORY ROGER SIMPSON, true story.
Life has continued to hand us some hard deals. Jeff nearly lost his job, we moved across the state, etc. But, at the end of the day, we are together. At the end of the day I get to do life with the boy who still loves to lay on the couch at the end of the day and watch Sports Center. This boy is now a man who truly has never known an enemy. He is the best dad, most patient and understanding husband and your lucky to call Jeff your friend. He isn't perfect but he is perfect for me and for our family. This Christmas we are saving for a new home in an expensive market. As I consider all my "gifts"  I count meeting a boy,on a couch, in East Lansing in 1995, one of the best I have received.

Thankful 2018

Full disclosure..it is almost 10p.m on Thanksgiving night and I JUST REMEMBERED that I hadn't wirtten my list! I have done it every year of this blog..for shame!!!
 I posted this briefly but then made some changes to it and did not publish again. In the weeks since we've have celebrated Thanksgiving, life has reminded me through untimely death that life is fleeting. This always reminds me to take time to tell and show those you care for and love that they are important. Even though I work with grief and the bereaved every day, I am just as guilty as most people to take things for granted, namely my children. I am easy to become annoyed and angered. I can talk the talk about not caring about things like "finding the right house" but in reality I am nearly obsessed with it. As 2018 comes to a close I am so proud of so many of the things I was able to overcome in recent years. I have come so far. But here's the thing, once you get a taste of what it feels like to accomplish a goal or transcend to a better place, you want more areas of your life to always be transformed. I am trying to be thoughtful, and purposeful in regards to what exactly I would like to work on. If I had to pick a "word" right now, for 2019, it would be TRUST. I would love to be able to write a blog post a year from now that says I was able to trust in what God has planned for us. That I prayed for His will to be done, not the desires of my heart. That I was able to discern what exactly His will is and what I am "wanting desperately to be His will." One thing I have learned in my nearly 44 years of living is it is so dang easy to get in your own way!! Trusting God has NEVER lead me astray but still, in the dark hours of the night I send those, "But, but wait, what if's up to him" in what I like to call prayer but really, if I am being honest, it is bargaining. Anyways, here is my Thanksgiving list, and well, I guess MERRY CHRISTMAS too!

Here goes, my top 10 things I am thankful for this year:

10. Moving. Sure it has been hard. There were so many wonderful things about living in Portage for most of our time there. However, we allowed a friendship with toxic individuals to taint our last few years. Now that we're are a few years out from this relationship, and no longer live in the same neighborhood, I feel like I can breathe again. I am working on remembering that 4 years of a crappy friendship does not negate 9 years of wonderful!! However,  it was a very difficult season that challenge us in so many ways. I am thankful to be free!!
9.My job. I am so happy to have a job, and have one that is flexible. While I miss working at Bronson, I don't miss the stress of that job. I have so much flexibility but still I'm able to help others work through their grief.
8. Family.   Even though we live 2.5 hours away Jeff's mom and stepdad  will drop anything to help us out. Case in point, a few weeks ago I didn't realize the kids had a four day weekend. Barb and Bert were able to drop everything and watch the girls for us! My parents are unfailingly generous and kind to all of us. I can't tell you how many times my mom surprises me and the kids with little treats she knows we will appreciate.
7. Rochester. I really do love it here. It has all the benefits of a big city like fabulous shopping but a small town feel.
6. Apartment living. Yes, I have complained. I am a bit over the living in a small space with all 5 of us. But, it is so convenient, and so nice to just call someone when something breaks.
5. The kids, over all are adjusting. I am learning so much about our children's personalities through this move. Caroline, it turns out, can makes friends practically anywhere. Matthew is much like Jeff and isn't as concerned with the number of friends but rather the quality. Ellie thrives in the midst of community and desperately wants to have a neighborhood again.
4. Hockey is close and not as time and money consuming.  Matthew hasn't really found his groove with his new team, but we literally live a minute away from the rink and the travel has been much less. It has been nice.
3. X-box and gaming with your buddies. Yes, you read that right. Matthew is very much a first born in regards to rule following. Therefore he does not play on his X box until his homework is complete. It has been a bit of a struggle for him to meet new friends.  I have loved that when he plays online he can connect with his friends from Portage.
2. Jeff's health. I will never take this for granted and pray he continues to tolerate his blood thinners and have little to no side effects.
1. My faith. This will never change. For it has saved me from the worst version of myself. It has redeemed what I felt was so sinful and ugly, that no one could ever love me, especially God. It is the reassurance of the reminder that the things of this world will pass away. God is so good. ALL the time,God is good. I am not worthy and I am so grateful for the grace and mercy He bestows upon me!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Settling in

We have lived in Rochester for a little over two months now. It is strange because it feels like so much longer to me. Overall we are doing well. The kids have settled in to school routines. Matthew and Caroline have early wake up calls as their bus comes at 6:45a.m! Ellie has a more leisurely routine as her bus comes at 8:30.  Matthew's hockey season is in full swing. He is slowly but surely finding his way, and his voice. It is interesting to see what makes that boy speak up. I continue to be so proud of that kid. He's a sweetie. Caroline was blessed to have a friend from her elementary school also move here this summer. Thankfully they go to the same school. Caroline is much like me and is outgoing and has made friends easily. She has also taken an interest in the youth group at the church we've attended. Ellie is taking a lyrical dance class that she absolutely loves and is going to be in her first play, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" this winter. Perhaps the  biggest news is I have found a new job. I am working as a bereavement coordinator for a local hospice agency. While it is very different from inpatient medical social work, I am really enjoying it. I have been able to work with groups and individuals and have been challenged by honing new skills. It is interesting being on the other side of things. In my previous job I was helping individuals come to terms with their chronic, and life limiting illness. In this role, I am helping family members come to terms with their losses. My job is flexible which is a huge blessing as well as we are all transitioning to our new surroundings. 

I am over apartment living! I thought it would offer more. There are benefits to not having to worry about things breaking down, etc. But, I miss having more space. It often feels that we are all on top of each other.  I am also over the neighbor's propensity towards late night thumping music sessions! I think, when we have a house again, that we will all appreciate having our "corners". Jeff and I were looking for a bit at houses to buy as the market as cooled a bit and it is a great time to buy. Ultimately we decided to wait until late winter/early spring to buy. We plan on paying off more debt and hopefully finding a great place to make our home. I miss many of the friendships we had in Portage but feel completely  at peace here in Rochester. Once again, I feel that God has blessed me with a job that is perfect for me and His timing could not have been more perfect. Although I "want" a house right now, I am proud of myself for putting my own selfish desires aside for the greater good! 

I am feeling more at peace and settled here in this place more than I have in years. I am excited to see what we have ahead! 

East side!!

My sister will hate that I titled this EAST SIDE. Having lived in Grosse Pointe Farms for a number of years she feels it doesn't make any sense as it doesn't indicate where we live. But to those of us that have spent the majority of our time on the WEST side of the state, when I say EAST side you basically know I live somewhere near Detroit. We live in Rochester  which is about 45 minutes north of Detroit. We've lived here a little over two weeks now. I love living here so far. There is so much to do, and the shopping is phenomenal. Our apartment is very close to downtown Rochester which is lovely. I can hardly wait until the holiday season to see all of the decorations. We are settled into our apartment and while it is cozy, it really isn't too bad. I do miss having a deck and outside area to hang out in that is private. I do not miss our house at all. Honestly I was over our neighborhood for a variety of reasons and feel so happy to be gone! I feel such peace being here and definitely feel that we made the right decision. 

The kids are registered for school, and everyone but Matthew is excited to go! Matthew is never excited to resume school! He is slowly but surely getting used to his new hockey team. He definitely misses all of the friendships he developed over the past eight years of playing for KOHA. His rink is only a few miles up the road which is very convenient especially with all of the traffic we now face. 

I just took my licensing exam this past Saturday and I am sad to say I missed passing by 6 measly points! I am trying to give myself grace as it was literally a horrible time to try and study. I definitely underestimated the amount of topics covered. I took a prep class six years ago and tried to remember what I learned and use materials from back then but fell short. I am going to take a refresher prep class and take it again at the end of the year. I am contemplating whether or not I want to work until then. Jeff would say that I need to work to stop me from shopping at all of the fabulous places around here! However most of the MSW jobs in hospitals require a full licensure so I may just wait until I pass that darn exam! I am trying to enjoy being at home but we are ALL over summer and all of the togetherness at this point. Tomorrow we are headed to Cedar Point for two days! We are staying at Hotel Breakers and the kids are so excited as they have never been. I think I am too old to be riding coasters and I'm hoping Ellie wants to go back to the hotel to hit the pool or the beach. 

Life is good for us! We are happy and content and enjoying East Side living so far! 

Good and bad

Most of our time in Portage has been filled with wonderful friends and memories. We moved here newly married with a tiny six week old. We leave with fifteen years of marriage, three kids, and me transitioning from staying at home to working full time, and so much more. If I am being honest though, we've had some hard times here. Times where we've allowed friendships, and participated in behaviors that did not add any value to our lives. Thankfully through lots of hard work, and the grace of God ,we were able to come out of that time better off.  Stronger in our faith's and our marriage. The other day someone from that dark past reached out to me. In their defense I believe their intentions to be benign and well intended. But it THREW ME. It shed light on the fact that all of my "good, hard work" towards a better, healthier life was fragile. It exposed all of my weaknesses and poor coping choices. It also made me realize how grateful I was to be delivered from such a toxic relationship. This situation made me realize how far we've come, and how enslaved to a crappy life we were. It sadly reminded me of just how miserable I had allowed myself to be for far too long.
Life is hard right now. The stress of the last year has nearly broken me. But, God. God is always there. Even when I do and say things and think the next day,"What in the world did you do?!" God is never surprised. He has worked on this old heart of mine so much over the past five years. I've come so far and know that the ONLY ONE that matters loves me beyond measure. I know, without a doubt that there is nothing I could do or say(or text) that can separate me from the love of Jesus.
I am so sad to leave much of this life we've built here in Portage, Michigan. But, much of me is excited for a fresh start. I look forward to beginning this new adventure on the east side of the state with all of the great friendships and knowledge I have gained through the bad ones.

Moving or at least TRYING TO!!!

I mentioned a few posts back that we are moving to the East side of the state. Like everything in our lives the past few years, it has been very stressful. Getting the house prepped, doing years of work in a matter of weeks, listing,and then the waiting!! We've had many showings but unfortunately people have issues with our lot. We have a corner lot with two huge side yards but not much of a back yard. We also have three bedrooms in a subdivision that has mostly four bedrooms. I of course am airing on the side of PANIC. Jeff, oh Jeff, is calm and steady and says, "Don't worry it will sell." Bless him.
I know it will sell. Maybe not for as much as we want or when we want but all houses eventually find themselves new owners. We've found a house we like in Shelby Township, MI. We have made a contingent offer on this house. I believe if that home is meant to be, it will be.
I am scheduled to be done working on July 13th. My heart aches at the thought. I love my job so much. I have not found much that interests me on the East side. I am hopeful that once we are settled I will figure out the area and a new job.
I am anxious to move on. This has been "in the works" for almost a year now. Let's get on with it already!! I am ready from a break from constant high stress situations. It seems since we nearly lost Jeff last March that our lives have been constantly bombarded with stress. But, the good thing about all of this stress, is that it has continued to strengthen our faith's and our marriage. I trust God completely with ALL aspects of this move and know that His timing is NOT my timing.
I will miss this home so much. We've learned so much here. How to be a married couple, new parents, parents of three, a couple that wasn't sure what we wanted out of life, deciding that staying at home full time wasn't for me, mistakes, redemption.
We covet prayers for this transition and pray that we will find ourselves in a good spot a year from now. We would love for all of us to just be settled. To make a quiet and contented life in Shelby Two, MI. We are ready for the adventure but also ready for some calm.
Stay tuned!!

15 years

Next week Jeff and I will celebrate 15 years of marriage! Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that we gathered together at the Stetson Chapel on the Kalamazoo College Campus and said, "WE DO!"
But, mostly it feels like it has been 15 years when I think about all that has happened in those years. From the moment I met Jeff Simpson, I knew he was the ONE. He just felt right. He still feels right. Three kids, moves, job changes, many mommy breakdowns, fights about finances, and here we are.  I think of all the things we said we promised to do on April 26, 2003 and how they look fifteen years late. Here it is:
I PROMISE to disappoint you. I want so badly to be the person I promised to be on our wedding day. But, here's the thing... I am human. I will fail you.
I PROMISE I will not live up to expectation I have set before you. When were were dating, I wanted so badly to have you believe in all I could be,and all WE could be. So sometimes, I may have faked who I really was because really, I had no clue who I was.
I PROMISE all of these life changes will change me. I had no idea how much being a stay at home mom wouldn't fit for me. Thank you for giving me permission to reinvent myself.
I PROMISE I WILL MESS UP. I will think the grass is greener. It is not. I will figure this out,and I can say with certainty this won't happen again.
I PROMISE THE THINGS THAT ANNOY THE HECK OUT OF YOU ON APRIL 26, 2003 will still be there. I am the worst at finances. I want what I want and I want it now. Sorry, but I have come a long way. I go nearly 7 weeks between hair cuts after all.
I PROMISE I will always believe in YOU. Always.
I PROMISE to always find something about you, and us, that makes me happy. Right now it is your ability to stay up later than me and put our dang kids to bed.
I PROMISE I will always believe in you, and us. ALWAYS.
You are still my dream come true Jeff Simpson. Thank you God for knowing exactly what this girl needed in a husband !

Moving on ..

It has been awhile since my last update. Blogger wasn't letting me sign in, and to be honest I didn't have the energy to figure out why. Today it magically worked so here we are! So much has happened since January!!
The biggest news is we are moving to the Detroit area this summer. Jeff's job is ending in July, something we've known about for nearly a year. Although he pursued some local options, he was offered a promotion within the Ascension health system. It was difficult to reconcile leaving Portage. However, God could not have been more clear in giving us a peace and discernment with knowing this is His will. Many things have fallen into place, and we continue to feel blessed in making this move. The kids are mostly excited. I think they are at good ages for a move. Matthew is a pretty easy going 13 year old. Playing hockey almost always gives him an instant group of friends. Caroline will be going to middle school and the way our district works, half of her friends would have gone to a different middle school than her. Ellie, I am afraid, is a bit anxious about all this moving stuff. Of the three kids, she is my "contemplative, what if" kind of a girl. I am reassuring her that it will be an adventure and she will make new friends. We are in the midst of doing "all the things" to the house we've put off for the last thirteen years. OH MY!! ALL THE THINGS! Whoever buys this house is pretty dang lucky!! Oh, this house. We arrive here almost exactly thirteen years ago with a six week old Matthew and two years of marriage under our belts. Hell, I never even SAW THIS HOUSE IN PERSON before we moved here. That seems like craziness to 43 year old me!! But you know what, we became a family here. We added Caroline and then Ellie. We made some amazing friends, and have had mostly amazing neighbors. We've had incredibly hard years where we were stretched,and we realized that we needed to work on ourselves and our marriage. In the end, I am proud of who we became here. All of the vows we took fifteen years ago became REAL while we were living on 7620 Carnoustie. For better and for WORSE. For richer and POORER. In sickness and HEALTH. We've stumbled but, we've gotten back up..together. Even though at times, we have definitely been far from God, due to our own choosing, He always took us back. We began this journey with an infant and really in the infantile stages of marriage ,and leave with a teenager and feeling that good groove that I think comes with fifteen years of marriage. I won't lie, nearly losing Jeff last March certainly brought everything into glaring perspective! Life is too short to not appreciate the people in your life. Love them and love them well!
On to what else is new for us! We were able to surprise the kids with a trip to Disney for Spring Break! Jeff had a conference for his new job which allowed us to stay on the property at the Boardwalk Inn and have access to discounted park tickets. We drove and spent five days at Disney. The kids and I visited the Magic Kingdom, Hollywood Studios and Typhoon Lagoon. It was such a fun week!! I am so glad we took advantage of the opportunity because we never would have been able to "do Disney" the way we did. We loved it!! I am not sure we would go back but we are so glad we made it work!!
We are beginning spring sports. Hockey and baseball for Matthew, soccer and softball for Caroline and Ellie is having her big spring concert with the Kalamazoo Children's Chorus and finishing swimming. Jeff begins his new job on April 29th and will be in Detroit Monday through Wednesday. At first, I will admit, I was sad that we were moving to Detroit. Nothing appeals to me about Detroit. But, my sister lives there and we are looking forward to having just a 40 minute commute between us. There are so many wonderful things about the communities we are looking at, I am starting to get excited. We are very concerned about making sure we live in a community that has good schools. We continue to pray that God would orchestrate all of the desires of our hearts for our kids and their future.
I am sad to leave my job. It finally "fits". We have amazing providers ,and I love the work I am privileged to provide to those facing chronic and life limiting disease. But, like I said earlier, I strongly feel this is God's will for our lives. Also, if I am being honest, I would like to be home more with our kids. Let's be clear...NOT full time:) But, having a job with a bit more flexibility would be awesome. I have a great boss who works with me about everything ,but when you work full time, you have to be there, well ,full time!! I would love to find something part time if possible.
Like I said earlier, we've met so many amazing people here in Portage. Jeff's mom and older sister live here. It has been wonderful to have Barb, Jeff's mom be such an amazing part of our kid's lives. She had done more for us than I could ever write about. We will miss living so close to her.
As I told Ellie, moving is an adventure and the I think the last thirteen years has prepared the Simpsons for such a time as this!

Oy vei!

I was hoping 2018 would be calm and quiet for us. Well, it is starting off with a bang! Jeff is losing his job this summer at Borgess. We are hoping that we can find an amazing opportunity that is local, but is looking more and more like we might have to move. Part of me is scared to death by this. But, I am a person who moved more than once as a child and count it as a blessing. I certainly trust that God has a plan for Jeff and for us. I only ask that God ok it with me ahead of time!! LOL! Of course that's not how He works. Therefore we wait and pray. I trust Him completely and only ask for clear guidance and discernment through this process.
We appreciate any prayers you send our way. For peace and discernment for God's path to be clear!!
We will update as we know more!