13 Years, BABY!!

This blog is officially 13 years old!! What in the world? I have never stuck with anything, with exception of Jeff for 13 years!! I am proud of this blog! It chronicles so much of my early mothering years. Those years were no small feat for me. I struggled so. My whole life I imagined myself a wife of a high powered executive that wanted for nothing more than staying home with my babies. Cue the husband who is kind of an executive with all of the responsibilities, but lacking the pay, and a mama that might have well have lost her ever loving mind if she stayed home one second longer. Thank God for a husband that recognized this mom was drowning and needed something outside of "stay at home" mom to keep me alive. I went back to WMU and obtained my MSW and love my job as a palliative care MSW. Can it be stressful to juggle it motherhood, wifehood and being a social worker to those who basically are dying, sure. But, I love my life.
This year I feel like God has allowed me to let Him, "grow me up." Through Bible studies and friendships, we've blossomed. I am so grateful for God's grace. Just today, I saw someone from our past in a neighborhood store. Normally this type of event would have cause me such anxiety. Today, I was able to confidently say nothing. I simply have moved passed this type of toxic interference in our lives. I am able tor recognize  the  blessing the Lord has given us by DELIVERING us from these types of people. AMEN to Grace and Forgiveness and the power of the Holy Spirit to move us in the right direction. Today, as I watched our children play with their Christmas toys I felt happy. Are they hopelessly flawed, sure?!! But, they are good and decent kids that value love and sacrifice and truly appreciate all they've been given this season. Do Jeff and I have it all together as a couple?  Certainly not. But, I have learned this year not to take a single second for granted and even count my blessings when I move from our cozy bed to the couch because my "miracle" is snoring!! Thank you God for snoring husbands!!
2018 will be full of changes. WE ARE READY. I have a feeling that 2018 will be our best year yet! Happy New Year to You!!

See ya 2017!

2017 is nearly over! Christmas is less than a week away!! This year, what a doozy it has been for our family. We will never forget 2017. Everything nearly changed for us in 2017. Facebook has reminded me of times that have passed over the years. Sometimes it has me feeling nostalgic, and wishing for days that have long passed. But, more often than not, it has me feeling so grateful for the grace and growth time has shown us. For all of the hard parts of 2017, we realized what we are made of. We realized through the trials and tribulations of not only the past year but the past several, what our marriage is made of. As we enter 2018, we know who we are as individuals and as a couple. We enter into 2018 with so many unknowns. Jeff will lose his job. Of this we are sure. This should cause much anxiety for us. Are we experiencing  some stress?? Sure. When you're faced with losing 70% of your income it tends to be stressful. However, we've experienced the provision of God in our lives. We trust He has a plan for us.
The kids are doing well! Matthew is playing on the A hockey team this year. It has been an interesting year for sure. He has grown as a player and experienced coaching that is not his father. I have been proud as I have watched him negotiate what it means to love a sport and know you must invest 100% to see yourself grow as a player. He is a joy, my Matthew. He is sensible and sweet. A rule follower almost to a fault. Eager to please and never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.
Caroline is having her tonsils, adenoids and sinus surgery tomorrow! Poor girl. She has shown so much growth this year. She has become responsible and driven. The key to Caroline is finding a way to motivate her. Caroline plays travel soccer and her coach has figured this girl out. It has been nice to see Caroline motivated. She has a great group of girl friends and continues to love slime and pugs!!
Ellie is finding her way. She is an excellent student. She loves to read and she is in the Kalamazoo Children's Chorus. They just had their holiday concert and we were so proud of our Ellie. She worked so hard and it was such a wonderful evening. Ellie is blessed with a wonderful teacher who invests in her, and believes in her!! Ellie is loving second grade and thriving!
Jeff is plugging away at Borgess, but like I mentioned, losing his job. There is so much I could say but I won't except to say that there is more for Jeff and we are expectantly hopeful that 2018 will bring amazing opportunities for Jeff.
I am enjoying my job! We finally have a great team of professionals that respect my role! AMEN!!! I have been participating in Bible Study Fellowship's Roman's study and it has been wonderful. I feel that I am in a great place spiritually. This helps all other parts of my life come together  as well!
We are looking forward to 2018! Lots of unknowns but the Simpsons are ready!! Merry Christmas to you!! Enjoy your family, enjoy your health. Take the time to enjoy your family and all of your blessings!!

Thankful 2017

These posts are my favorite. This blog is almost thirteen years old!! I can hardly believe that!! I love reading back on what I am thankful for from year to year. I usually give it some thought, before I sit down and write my list. This year, of course, is focused so much on March 7, 2017.  The day that almost changed our ending.  There have been so many times over the past seven months that I have taken moments to pause and give thanks for all we've been given. For God's grace and mercy in our lives. Tonight I was telling the story of Jeff's DVT and bilateral pulmonary embolisms to someone who didn't know, and you can just see that people are amazed he is alive.  In fact many medical professionals I tell the story to often say, "I can't believe your husband isn't dead." I do not take this for granted. So, here is a list of all of things we wouldn't be able to do if our ending was different. This Thanksgiving we are giving thanks for God's protection and provision in our life.

10. I am thankful I went back to school and got my MSW. Without it, I would have never worked in the ER, and definitely wouldn't have known so much about blood clots and worst case scenarios.

9. Jeff's intuition. I never doubted by how he acted that night that he needed immediate medical intervention.

8. That the ER doc saw something on his CT scan. They originally didn't check his lungs. He easily could have been d/c home and he would have definitely died.

7. We believe that God orchestrated all of the events of the night, including the tech administering  the EKG, as Jeff code thus making immediate CPR possible.

6. Jeff was never intubated. I can't really explain how much of a miracle this is if you're not a medical person. It is crazy how successful his CPR was.

5. Jeff was in such a weakened state after his four day ICU stay. I was so worried that he'd need some serious rehab. Thankfully, he was mostly back to himself within six weeks.

4. Our children never really knew how close we came to losing their dad. Amen.

3. Jeff being able to skate in this year's Dad's and Lad's skating event for Matthew's hockey team.  I love that our children can continue to make memories with their dad!

2. Jeff and I still fight about finances. My Jeff is still my Jeff. I love that he continues to be steadfast in his goal to keep me on a budget.

1. I will never take for granted that God spared me from being a widow. I am not sure I could have handled it. I am not sure I would have endured it well. It has grown my faith so! It has certainly shown me what truly matters. It has made me a better social worker, mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. To God we give ALL of the GLORY and THANKSGIVING this Thanksgiving.

Life right now..

I realized this week that I have been failing at my yearly birthday updates!!! Honestly, that is my favorite part of blogging. I love looking back at how life was!! So many lessons to be learned!!
So....
Matthew is 12.5, in 6th grade at West Middle School. Playing hockey and just being a pretty cool kid.  Matthew is much like his mama when it comes to OVER THINKING pretty much his entire life. I love the relationship that has developed between us. Where Jeff is very unemotional and common sense based, I am all overthinking things right along with Matthew. The great thing is almost 43 years of living has taught me to HIDE this from him:)) No, honestly we have great talks about how to chill and calm down and remember that nothing in life ever needs to be taken too seriously.
Caroline just turned 11! She is becoming a young woman before our eyes! She can be sassy but there is a sweet and sensitive side that we are trying hard to invest into. Caroline has so much to offer. She is so determined when she sets her mind to something!! I love seeing how she is evolving into her own being! It can be difficult to try and connect with her. Caroline is very much like Jeff. She does not wear her heart on her sleeve. I feel like half the time I am trying to dissect every bit of that sleeve to figure out her heart and mind. I am realizing more and more how very different they are. She acts one way and is feeling something very different! She is bright and funny and creative and we love her so!
Ellie is 8 and holding her own. We are trying the Kalamazoo Children's Chorus this year. Ellie loves it but last week the teacher asked if she could come in early for some extra help and our littlest girl was just devastated. All of her insecurities about last year came rushing back in regards to repeating first grade. She was very much focused on the fact that she "Can't ever get anything right the first time." That statement just about broke this mama's heart. I reassured her that repeating first grade was the best thing she has ever done. Receiving extra help in reading has made Ellie a wonderful, independent reader!! At the end of the day I am not sure  but she has been convinced to stick with chorus. Ellie is also doing Bible study fellowship with me and has really loved it!! It has been a sweet time for us and we are enjoying it!
Jeff is doing pretty good health wise. He had a follow up with a different hematologist and it went well. The blood thinner he is taking is working at making his blood not so "clotty"!  Professionally, Jeff is at an interesting crossroads.  Accession Health, the company that owns Borgess, the hospital Jeff has worked at for the past twelve years, is in the midst of major reorganization. We are praying that the opportunity that God has for us is revealed. Honestly with all that has gone on with us this year, his job is the least of our worries. God has a plan. We believe that and will be seeking His guidance as we navigate these waters. I have such a sense of peace through this all. I just know that we will end up in the jobs we are to be in and the location we are called to.
We are busy, busy with soccer, hockey, chorus, BSF and life!! We are just loving being in this season of busyness. For we realize, this too shall pass and oh my, will we miss it!!

What hockey has done for our family.

The other day at work I had a discussion that soon turned into what felt like my defense of my son participating in travel hockey. The person I know wasn't meaning any ill intent, however it felt very much like I had to "defend"why we participate in such a time, and, money intensive sport. First of all, I will totally admit that IT IS time and money intensive! Honestly, until about a year ago, I didn't even know how much we invested in hockey. When I found out, I admit, I was shocked. But, as I contemplated all this sport has taught and done for my son, I thought of all of the reasons it is worth EVERY PENNY!

1. Cultivating a passion: Yes, Jeff introduced Matthew to hockey when he was four. However, our son adores this sport. When he isn't playing, he is watching, researching, practicing and thinking about this game. There were times last year when he literally sobbed that not every boy on his previous team "Was focused." We had to explain that not every 10/11 year old that plays hockey cares as much as he does. Never in the several years that Matthew has played this sport have I ever had to bribe or threaten him to practice. He simply loves being on the ice.

2. Being a part of a team. This has been huge. I think we saw it especially the season we went to the Pee Wee State Tournament. Matthew woke up the morning of the tournament with the stomach flu. He was sick every twenty minutes for twelve hours. I was so worried he wouldn't be able to play. Thankfully he rallied and he was able to travel and play his heart out. He saw that year what happens when you work together, using your individual assets for the collective good. It was such a fun year. When he returned for the next year, he was disheartened and worried that nothing could top the previous year. I assured him that every team has lessons to be learned, and fun to be had, all he had to do was look for it.

3. Commitment. My son has committed to being on and at the ice rink five days a week, six months a year for the past four years. It has taught him how to commit and follow through on a task. It has taught him the value of being a man of integrity and someone that others can count on.

4. Fiscal responsibility : HOCKEY AIN'T CHEAP!!! Matthew knows this. He has participated in can drives, and knows that his equipment, ice time, clothing, tournaments, hotels, gas and eating out is a sacrifice our family has decided is worth investing in. He does not take this for granted.

5. Pride in himself. Matthew was born with some mild cerebral palsy. I continue to be amazed by his ability to work through his mild disability with fierce determination. This year he is playing for the  A team. It was a big decision. Jeff and I had a heart to heart with him before the tryouts informing  him that A is different than B. Playing time is not a guarantee. We told him that he would have to put in 100% effort, 100% of the time. Matthew assured us he was up for the challenge. This mom was worried. I know my son, he so loves to please but sometimes his body just can't deliver. However, I see him give 100% effort, 100% of the time. He is eager to learn, take instruction and grow.

6. He has FUN!! If for one minute I thought he wasn't have fun out there, I would pull this kid in a minute. He loves this sport, the friends he's made and life he's built around the sport he adores!!

Summer time and the living is...STRESSFUL!

Today is August 3rd. A month from now we will be starting school. Part of me is all..WOO HOO the other part of me is NOOOO!! I do enjoy the laid back pace of summer. I like not having to rush from work to home to practice to home. Laundry, dishes, food, lunches...oh the LUNCHES, homework, half days, did I mention homework?? This summer we've been dealing with the aftermath of our kitchen flood. It has been NO FUN AT ALL. I could list all of the reasons(crappy painters, delays, no communication, and NO DISHWASHER for 3 WHOLE months. It has been the summer of #firstworldproblems. But, we've also had our share of real problems. Problems such as a husband that is still trying to recover, stressful jobs situations, babysitting stresses, mom's who break their ankles (poor Barb!). It seems the Simpson's were due for the SUPER SIZED quantity of all the heavy crap in  2017.
Jeff had a follow up with his primary are doctor today and he texted me to say, "I am still here, they are doing a EKG." I nearly died from PTSD. I seriously had a mini panic attack. My mind went right back to March 7, 2017 at 7:07a.m when I received a text from him saying, " I have blood clots in both lungs, they are admitting me." I never talked to him again until I arrived at the hospital. Ugh, even typing it makes me nauseous. I continue to be so grateful for Jeff's health. In most ways he is "back to normal." He is tolerating his blood thinner well. But, he is definitely not the same Jeff he was prior to his "Event" as well call it.
We are trying to get through this last month without losing our minds. We have pieced together our daycare. The big kids go to Camp Wakeshma in a week, Ellie goes to Aunt Jenn's! We are lucky to have an amazing village to draw upon when we need them and somehow, Jeff and I continue to make it to work!
Speaking of work, after a very rough season, I finally have providers who respect me and my profession. It is heaven!!
We've had a laid back but fun summer. The kids went up to Silver Lake with Jeff and his family for vacation, mom had to stay back and work. Matthew, Jeff and his buddy are going to a Cubs game this weekend, camp for the big kids is a much anticipated event!
We are looking forward to fall and all it will bring. New teachers, middle school for Matthew, soccer and hockey for the big kids, Kalamazoo Children's Chorus for Ellie. Busy, but fun!
We are planning on soaking up every last laid back moment of August!! Happy last month of SUMMER!!
#sorryforallthecaps!

I've got issues..

Jeff had a follow-up appointment with his hematologist today. I was on PTO and so I went with him. I made the mistake of not going to his second appointment and I had a MILLION questions that Jeff  couldn't really answer.  I wish we could say that it went fabulously but, unfortunately I think we are both feeling very confused and worried.  In interest of full disclosure I must admit that I have major issues trusting this physician. I do not appreciate that he NEVER takes the time to go over my husband's chart before he walks into the room. Today for example we were early, and he had plenty of time to review his chart before he came in. However, he did not do that, instead, like the other two times we've seen him, he walks in, talks all rosy and predicted that Jeff will be able to get off of blood thinners. All the while, I am sitting there thinking, "Good gravy dude, you've forgotten that he has factor five homozygous and prothombine time heterozygous!" As I watch him read the chart I literally can see his face change when he spots it, and he starts to retract his earlier statements, and then he reads Jeff's latest blood test (d-dimer)that measures how effectively his anti-coagulation medicine(ELOQUIS) is working, and tells us that although it isn't super high, it is more elevated than last month. He then says, "No, no, you will most likely be on this forever. And, you might need heparin shots if your numbers go up or if you get another clot." I ask about a million questions(like, what about the follow up CT of his damaged lung you said you wanted six months post event, what about his shortness of breath, what about this number, shouldn't we check it again in a few months?) But we don't really get any answers,and then he tells Jeff that he will see him in a year!!! I can tell Jeff is confused ,but I can also tell he wants to trust that his doctor is telling him what is right for him. As we leave I tell him not to worry, that he knows what a REAL DVT and PE feels like and we would go to the ER if he feels that way again. A normal d-dimer range is below 500, Jeff's was in the 1500's when he was in the ICU. Last month is was 640, today it was 677. So while it doesn't seem  terribly alarming,  I feel like waiting a year to recheck it or follow up with the hematologist is not appropriate. Jeff is looking into a second opinion just to make sure that there is nothing else we need to be doing as far as his blood disorder. He has been and will continued to be followed by his cardiologist and interventional radiology is taking out his filter on July 7th. The hematologist also told us today that only 60% of filters are able to be removed. I hadn't heard that before today. I want that filter out. I know I will be anxious on the day it is removed because they said it could take anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours. I am praying that sucker pops right out. I am praying this appointment doesn't increase our anxiety. I hate that I always see the worst case scenarios in my work. It makes me consider all of the worst case scenarios for myself and those I love. But, as I told a friend last week that was waiting on some tests, "Don't borrow trouble." I know worry and anxiety isn't from God. I know that Satan loves it when I tell myself a story of woe and worst case scenarios. I am praying to stand firm in the truth of what God says, to not be anxious about anything but to pray and turn it over to Him. We appreciate all of the prayers we can get! Thanks for reading!

14 years

Tomorrow Jeff and I will be married for 14 years. Today we got in a huge fight because he couldn't find work gloves in the garage. He accused me of throwing them away, I accused him of never putting anything away in the RIGHT place. He had an attitude, I had an attitude. Then I called him an ass in front of his mom. Not my proudest moment.  You all know we've had our fair share of drama lately. Almost dying, kitchen floods, insurance hassles, contractors that are booked out for three months, three kids, two full time jobs, bills, life. You know who's the ass...LIFE!! It is sad that a mere six weeks out from nearly losing my husband, I found myself so frustrated at him that I am calling him names, and in front of his mother no less! Thank God there is always grace. Soon after the above incident occurred, and his mom had left, we talked through our incident and ended up hugging and laughing in the driveway. Fourteen years in, I love that we're always able to do that.  We talk things through. For a man of little words, I can eek them out of him pretty good these days. He never wants to admit wrong doing, and I love to point them out.
Years 12 and 13 were very hard for us as a couple. Major growing pains. I was telling someone today that is getting married in a few weeks that really someone should have another shower when you are married 15 years. I feel like these are the years that are really showing us what we are made of. If we don't invest in the important aspects that give a relationship the things they need to flourish, we could easily fall apart. We've learned our weaknesses and where we needed to grow both as individuals, and as a couple over the past two years. Thank God we figured many things out before all this crap happened because it just may have broken us. I knew these truths on our last anniversary.  This past year we've invested in ourselves and in our relationship with Christ. We've developed our faiths and good friendships. We've been blessed by our obedience. We know we have miles to go, and much more work to do to make sure our relationship continues  to be healthy and flourish in good times and in bad. We are committed to the work, and to each other. You know I love making lists. So, here goes my 14 reasons I love being married to Jeff.

14. His laid back attitude. Even when he's freaked out by huge medical bills and insurance deductibles, he still has a pretty good poker face.
13. He puts the kids to bed. Every night, without fail, he's helping them shower, tucking them in. I realized when he was sick how much I LOVE this!!
12. He knows what I need to recharge. See #13, I need lots of sleep and time alone to recharge. Jeff gets that and sacrifices his own needs to see mine our met.
11. He appreciates my feisty side. The other day I was asking him why he loves me, he admitted that he loves that I am feisty. Believe me, he saw plenty of this side when he was hospitalized.
10. He is a great listener. Work venting, people venting, always listening.
9. He has the same opinions as me on things that matter. I know many people marry people that don't have similar views but this is what works for us. We agree on things like religion, and most political issues.
8. We have fun. There is no one I'd rather hang out with than Jeff. I was so sad when I realized he couldn't come to Tennessee. We would have had such a good time together!
7. We usually don't sweat the small stuff. We both realize life is short and we try and live it to the fullest.
6. He holds me accountable. He is my ACCOUNTANT after all. I'd be a huge financial wreak without him!
5. His relationship with God is important to him. Jeff was recently baptized but he's been a believer for many years. I love that he wants to grow in his faith and that it is important that Christ is the foundation of our marriage. I have no doubt if this wasn't the case we would never have made it this far.
4. He is smart. Nothing sexier than a man who can do math! LOL!
3. He is an amazing father. Patient, loving, selfless, kind, committed. Our kids are lucky
2. He is a great friend. As I have stated before, you'd be hard pressed to find a person who doesn't like  him.
1. Life is hard, marriage is hard. After coming so close to losing my husband, I cherish this anniversary and every additional one that we are blessed to have. You never know what the day will bring. Cherish every moment. And, if you lose your temper and call your husband an ass, say your sorry and give him a hug. After all, we can never forget our good friend, Grace!

Matthew is 12

Matthew turns 12 on Friday!! I have seen such a transformation in him this year. He is my buddy, he confides in me and trusts me when he is stressed or wants to talk through what's on his mind. He is thoughtful and kind and really just a pleasure to be around. Now don't get me wrong, he can be whiny and over react and annoy the crap out of his sisters which in turn annoys the crap out of me! But, over all, I am just thrilled that God picked me to be his mom!
Matthew is in the home stretch of grade school and will go to middle school next year. He was dreading it ,but I think he's moved into the acceptance stage:). He has a great group of friends that he has fun with in school, and most are moving with him to West Middle School.  Our grade school splits in middle school into two schools. Matthew tends to let his mind get away from him and can get anxious about things. However, he's learned some awesome tools that help him to "CHILL!" I love that he still wants to talk to me about everything and I always know when something is bothering him. No poker face on that one! I pray he always feels that comfortable coming to me.
He is still a major sports fan. Hockey, baseball, football and basketball rank high on his priority to watch. He had a fun hockey season and will be playing spring hockey instead of baseball this year. He loves the Red Wings, Tigers, Lions and Cubs! I love watching Matthew and Jeff interact when it comes to sports. Matthew is Jeff's mini-me in so many ways.
I thought for fun and to remember what this twelve year old was like I would ask him some questions

What is your favorite food?
Burritos from Mo's
What is your favorite thing to do?
Play hockey
What was the best memory from this year?
Scoring with 30 seconds left in the Cadillac hockey tournament which tied us!
What was the worst memory from this year?
When Daddy was in the hospital.
What are you looking forward this next year?
Hockey! 
What are you dreading?
Getting a girlfriend, "I don't want that." 
What do you want for your birthday dinner?
Red Lobster
What are you doing this summer?
Going to the pool, going to sleepover camp and hockey camp. Getting along with my sisters(mom added that!) 
If you had one wish what would it be?
Automatically make it to the NHL! 

Happy Birthday Matthew Jeffrey Simpson! We love you so much!!

One month and 43 years

Tomorrow is Jeff's 43rd birthday. As Jeff entered his 40's I always knew he was nervous about it. His own father died at 46. He was always nervous about it all. Now that his ultimate worry has been realized. Literally dying ,and coming back, I am not sure how he feels about it all. He has always been a quiet man, my Jeff. A man of few ,but poignant words. His words have not yet come about all of this and likely, when they do, I won't share them here. I have plenty of thoughts and words that have come ,but I am realizing that perhaps they are best not shared here either. It has been a month of busy, busy, busy. Medical appointments, bad news, plans, medicines, and resting and recouping. Jeff found out that he has a pretty rare clotting disorder, two factors, inherited from both parents. He will be a lifer as far a blood thinners go. We are most likely going to go to a larger medical center for a second opinion to make sure we are doing all we can. This past month has been so many mix of emotions. Grueling, exhausting, frustrating, and terrifying. But, also supportive, loving, kind, merciful, redemptive, and healing. For every bad moment, a good one followed. We have been blessed with meals, gift cards, groceries, prayers, hugs, and love. This season will bring forth great growth, I have no doubt. I continue to be so grateful to God's mercy to us and especially me as I strongly feel He has been preparing me for a season such as this.
I won't lie, the thought of going back to work on Monday nearly terrifies me. It seems its been so long, it seems the work is too hard. But, then I realize, I have been given a gift. The gift of knowing what it is like for patients and families that are walking in similar shoes such as ours. The frustrations of the United State's health care system, I KNOW them. The FEELING of having yet another doctor walk into a room and NOT KNOW a single thing about my husband's health...what in the hell??? Beyond frustrating. I am sure that I am known in my husband's work place, that happens to be his healthcare system as well, that you don't mess with Susan Simpson. Good Lord, do I wish I didn't have to make sure everyone was doing their job!
But, I would do it all, again and again, for my Jeff. March is a big month for us. We met in March, we dated in March, we thought," it will never work for us in March!"But, it did work, we are a great team. We are hopelessly flawed ,but we own and, it and ,love each other despite our weaknesses. In honor of his 43rd birthday I thought I would add 4 and 3 and come up with 7 things I love about Jeff. After all, March 7, 2017 will forever be a date we never forget, for it is the day that my Jeff left but returned to me, to us, and for that I will never take for granted or stop giving thanks for! Happy Birthday Jeffrey Arthur Simpson. The world, and our lives,would be nothing without you!!

7. His love of sports! Even though I am not a sports fan, I love how passionate my husband is about all things sports
6. His laid back attitude. Even now, in the face of all he's endured, he's all..Well, I didn't die, so that's good!!
5. His forgiving spirit. He loves me despite all my faults. And believe me, there  are plenty!
4. He is a wonderful parent! Patient, calm, loving, fun and attentive!!!
3. My accountant! I like to poke fun but I love that he keeps us in line financially!
2. Great friend. A friend said to us during his ICU stay, Jeffy doesn't have one enemy! That IS SO true!! Everyone loves Jeff!
1. My rock! I can't even think about a life without Jeff at the helm. He is steady, calm, and brings out the best in me and our life!!! Happy birthday my love!!!!!

A big one...

I have debated when is the right time for this post? It is exactly two weeks since Jeff's "event" as I call it. Part of me doesn't want to write it because honestly, some of it is too raw. But, most of me doesn't want to forget the details of it all and, so here I sit, ready to write it here. I have been thinking much about this blog. It is eleven years old. It has documented so much of our lives, the good and the bad, and so, it is certainly fitting that the BIGGEST story that's happened to us, would be shared here.
I feel like to completely understand everything that happened on March 7, 2017, you really have to go back to the beginning, before we were Jeff and Susan the married couple with three kids!
Jeff was born and raised in Kalamazoo. His father, Roger, died of a sudden heart attack back in 1986, when Jeff was only 11. Jeff's mom did an awesome job raising him, his twin sister Jenny, and older sister Kim. While all this was happening in Kalamazoo, I was a ten year old little girl living in the suburbs of Chicago. Ironically, I have vivid memories of being terrified that something would happen to one of my parents. The anxiety would be paralyzing at times. Eventually we moved to Midland, Michigan and between my sophomore and junior year of high school, several people I knew died. A little girl I babysat for was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor and died within a week, my friend's dad died suddenly at home, a teacher's daughter died in an automobile crash and a classmate was killed in a drunk driving accident. Let's just say that the anxiety I had about death was thrown into high gear. Looking back, I realize that no one really knew how to help us deal with all of this loss. Eventually, life went on and I graduated and went to college. I ended up majoring in Family Community Studies and I ended up meeting Jeff Simpson in March of 1995. I worked for the court system as a victim advocate and with domestic violence victims. When we had Matthew I decided I wanted to be a stay at home mom. However, after we had all three kids, I realized that I wanted more. I decided that I needed a Masters in Social Work to have access to the careers I wanted. I went back to school in September of 2013. My first internship was with Borgess Hospital as a medical social worker intern. I loved every minute of it! Something has always drawn me to medical social work. My love of crisis, medicine, helping those in need navigate difficult circumstances. I love serving as a liaison between the physicians, nurses, case managers and other providers. I have no doubt that the role that anxiety related to grief and loss has certainly influenced my career choice. Truth be told, losing a loved one has continued to terrify me. I have said to co-workers that sometimes I think I have chosen my career because I feel somehow it might prepare me if I ever encountered such a crisis in my own life. I have worked as a medical social worker for Bronson for four years, two in the ER and two as the palliative care social worker. While it has made me mildly parnaoid at times, I think it really has just opened my eyes to the possibility that while usually the worse case scenario won't happen, it is possible. At the same time, as Jeff has gotten closer to the age his father died, his paranoia about sudden cardiac death has increased. It is not unusual for him to google symptoms and self diagnosis a variety of conditions. Most of the time I am exasperated and say, "Good grief! You do not have....this, that or the other thing."
Fast forward to a few days before the event. Jeff had been thinking he might have a UTI but his symptoms seemed to be improving. On Monday night he was complaining of back pain but it seemed to be flank pain, not high up on his back. He did say his leg hurt but he thought it was his sciatica. I know this because if he would have had it in the traditional behind the knee DVT spot he would have asked if I thought it was a blood clot. Ironically, we have had several conversations about blood clots!  I went to bed and was awoken to Jeff literally jumping out of bed screaming my name. I will admit that at first I was annoyed as he is prone to doing this periodically if he's had a nightmare. I remember thinking, "Uggh. go to sleep!" But as I became more alert, I realized he was in pain. He said that his back was killing and he didn't know if he should go to the ER. I asked him where the pain was, if he was having trouble breathing, etc. We discussed calling an ambulance but quickly dismissed that because we didn't want to scare the kids and we honestly felt he likely had a kidney stone. Jeff said he would just drive himself and that's when I said, "No way, you could have a blood clot!" and "If you throw a clot while you're driving you're in real trouble." He got annoyed and said, "Why do always have to freak me out?" We drove to the ED and the whole way there I kept checking his symptoms, ten out of ten pain, no shortness of breath and at this time he was not complaining about leg pain at all. When I dropped him off I said, "Tell them you are short of breath, tell them about your mom's history of a blood clot so they work you up for that too." (I found out later he was naughty and did not tell them that!!)I went home and we continued to text throughout the night. It seemed the ED staff also felt it was likely a kidney stone. However, all the testing began to return and it seemed that was not the case. Thank God, his CT showed some fluid in his left lung. Thank God, the ED physcian decided to do another CT of his lungs. The last text I got from Jeff was at 7:19a.m. It said, "The CT shows blood clots in both of my lungs, they are admitting me." I remember thinking "Crap!" But, looking back, I definitely wasn't as freaked as I would think I would be or as I probably should be. My plan was to take the kids to school and then go to the ER before I knew about the clots. When I got the text, there wasn't a sense of urgency for some reason and so I continued with my plan. Matthew was wanting to talk to Jeff and so I texted Jeff and said to please call or text if he could. When I didn't hear anything back, that is when the panic set in. I called his phone twice and the third time his boss answered the phone. I remember knowing immediately something horrible had happened. I asked Scott what happened and he told me Jeff had an event. I remember asking, "What do you mean?" He said he passed out. I asked with urgency, "Did he pass out or did he have an event?" My experience as a former ER MSW knew that it was the latter. He didn't really answer but simply said, "Are you coming?" I called my friend Annie, who already knew what was going on and told her what happened and it felt like literally a minute later she was at my house calmly getting my kids. I was able to keep it together and stay calm for the kids. I remember hugging her in the laundry room and crying because I had no idea what was ahead for Jeff or myself.
Long story short, I arrived at Borgess and was taken back to one of their trauma rooms and here is where it was absolutely surreal for me. I have been in countless trauma rooms, with family members, with doctors, being told similar things that were now being said to me. When I walked in I recognized one of the ICU residents that also rotates to Bronson, I think I was like, "Oh, hi, how are you?" WHAT IN THE WORLD! The ICU doctor asked me if I was Jeff's wife and I nodded and asked what happened? He looked at me with much concern in his eyes and said, "Your husband had a pulmonary embolism that stopped his heart. He died but we were able to resusciate  him". I felt like I wanted to say, "Who? Him? Jeff? " It seemed so unreal to me. Jeff was awake and was able to respond to me but was definitely not himself. The doctor went on to say many things that are now mostly a blur. I remember asking, "Do you think he has an underlying malignancy?" and then went on to tell him that I was a palliative care MSW. I am sure he was like, hmmm, that's strange your telling me all this and asking strange questions. He was very nice, albeit brutally honest. I found out that they were able to administer CPR to Jeff right when his heart stopped and they gave him TPA immediately as well. Looking back, I thank God for so much of this story but not being with Jeff when he coded is one of things I am most grateful for. I don't think I could have handled it. Even the thought of it makes me teary. There was so much peace within me from 7:19a.m on, even if I felt panicky at not knowing what the heck was going on. My kids still don't know that all of this happened and most of that is because I was able to get them off before going to the ER.
It is an absolute miracle that we did not blow off the pain. We could have so easily had him take some Motrin and go back to bed. If he had, he would have died. I have no doubt about this. I feel certain that between his paranoia and mine as well as my medical social work experience, together, we were able to have Jeff be exactly where he needed to be. I thank God that the PCA was putting on the EKG leads when he coded. He easily could have been alone in his room when this happened. I am so thankful that chest compressions did the trick and he didn't need to be intubated. Even though he was out of it, I could hear his voice when I arrived at the ER!
I am completely convinced that God's hand was in every step of this. I can see His hand in our lives, preparing us for this, even 18 months ago. We were very far from God and our relationship was suffering. We were approached by a couple to join a small group, which we did. This group helped us come back to church, to God and devoting time to what was important in life. Our faith's grew. Good relationship's blossomed. The grace He has extended us is overwhelming. We have been blessed beyond measure from so many different people. Life long friends, church friends, work friends, people who don't even know us. God has given us peace that surpasses all understanding. There has been healing in brokenness. This story is just beginning. I am humbled. I am grateful. I can not imagine a life without Jeff. I am so thankful that God spared him. There is much more I want to share about this grace and God's love. But, for now, I think this is enough. That being said, if you are reading and you've prayed, brought us a meal, watched our kids, run to the store, sent us a gift card, etc, please know we are so grateful. Our lives have been blessed because of your thoughtfulness!

March 7, 2017

This day will forever more be my beginning. The day when my husband died, and only by the Grace of God was brought back. This is my truth. This is his truth. We will never back down from this truth as we feel very strongly God has a purpose  for sparing Jeff. There are so many stories of God's grace in his survival. My master's education and experience that gave me the intuition that something was very wrong . The PCA that has worked at Borgess for over ten years and I believe gave Jeff the best CPR.  The doctor that knew that TPA was the only solution. Jeff's heart coming out of a rhythm that was crazy, all God. I'll never stop giving Him the glory. We have a long road of recovery ahead of us but I don't care for one minute. I have my Jeffy. My kids have their beloved dad. Jeff is the best  person I have ever known. The guy seriously has no enemies. Sometimes a procrastinator, sure! But a good guy...ALWAYS. It is the reason I chased him so fiercely. I knew Jeffrey Arthur Simpson was something special! He has a road of recovery ahead and I will be by his side every step of the way! Jeff Simpson is our life. I thank and praise God for sparing him. His work is not finished and I promise you God, he will not let you down!!

Updates

I haven't posted since New Year's Eve! Time has flown it seems in the past two months! The weather has been strange ,but nice! Mild! I know that says something larger about the state of our climate and its decline, but it is easy to push that out of your mind when you're basking in 60 degrees in February!
We have a had a pretty good season thus far. Life is keeping us busy with sports. Matthew's hockey team has suffered some tough losses after a winning first part of the season. It has been interesting to help him navigate his feelings surrounding this new world of maturing he's in. Matthew has turned into our serious, never wanting to do anything wrong, sometimes overly anxious kid. What I love about him though is he talks to me about it all. I want to soak this up because I know it could all go to hell in a hand basket next year. He's such a thoughtful kid. An old soul and so much like me in so many ways. I try and encourage him to just live and follow his instincts because they are pretty darn good and I want him to learn to trust them! He knows what is good and right and I believe that he will make his way in middle school and beyond! Speaking  of that, I can hardly believe this kid is done with grade school! It really does seem like he was just born! Mom's of littles believe me ....it flies!! I called moms like me LIARS ,but there was so much truth in their words! Caroline is plugging away in 4th grade! She has grown so much this year! Both emotionally and physically! I swear she might end up to be 6 feet tall! I realized this past teacher conference that she was struggling some in math and I found myself shocked! I am realizing that just when I think I have my sweet girl figured out, I don't. I am trying to take my time and be more thoughtful in my approach with my middle girl. She has so many gifts and talents to offer the world. I love watching her discover who she is! Speaking of her talents, Caroline is becoming one talented soccer player! Ellie has come into her own this past few months. Confident. She finally stopped pushing against her "repeat year", and has embraced it with gusto. She is definitely a third born youngest. Sometimes a rule follower, sometimes a rebel, but always a snuggler which gets mom and dad hook, line,and sinker almost every time! Ellie is chatty, and I love having time alone with her to discuss various topics and to listen to her interpretation on things she  has discovered in her world. I feel like I am the most patient with her sometimes, and that makes me sad because really, I need to treasure every stage that my three kids are in and show patience and grace to all of them in the the ways they individually need . It seems to be easiest with the little one though as it seems so final. Oh, the lessons that parenting continues to teach me.
Work...work is hard lately. Lots of demands.  Many opportunities have come my way and that is exciting. Largely work is good ,but some of my interactions are very difficult. I will see it though because I am realizing more and more  through the adversity that I love the actual work. Helping those with  chronic and life limiting disease is what makes me get up in the morning. It is an honor and the rest, well, it's all just noise that I must learn to tune out to do the important work I am so fortunate to be able to do.
Jeff and I are coming up on fourteen years of marriage this April. This year has been so good and sweet after a difficult season. I appreciate and love him more and more. Small group continues to ground us, the Lord continues to stretch  and bless us. Life, on March 1, 2017 is pretty darn sweet.