40 /choices

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows I am turning 40 in a few weeks. I don't dread 40 and I don't think I dread growing older. There are good things that come with age like wisdom and discernment. I have only worked in palliative care social work for about a month now but the wisdom I have already gleamed from this position is beyond measure. I know this about life forty years in, life is all about the choices we make. From what you eat and drink to what you think and how you act. What kind of friend you are, what decisions you make as a mom, the love you show your spouse, how you interact with your co-workers, how you treat your patients when it isn't easy. All of these cumulative choices will one day leave a legacy. Death will come to all of us. One thing I know for certain is that you are never guaranteed a tomorrow. When my life is all said and done what will people say about me? Will they say that I did my best? Will my children remember a kind and loving mother? Will my husband remember a wife that loved and cherished him? Will patients and families I worked with remember me as helpful and empathetic? Will my friends remember me as someone who was there for them in all circumstances? Honestly, I can say, nope. Don't get me wrong, I have some redeeming qualities but I have so many things I can work on. If I died tomorrow I am afraid my kids would remember a mom that is quick to anger. My husband may say that I tend to makethe problems in our life one sided. I have already had so many discussions with patients that are facing the end of their life that have so many regrets. I do not want this to be my reality. I want to live a full life that added value to those who've known me. Sure, you aren't going to please everyone but overall I would like to know at the end of it all that I left the world a better place. Is this post a bit morose? In a word..yes. I blame palliative care, turning 40, the movie "The Judge" and some wine. I plan on making forty fabulous and full of righting the regrets I have from the first 40 years.. Happy Weekend!