Dark Humor

You all know I love some good old fashion dark humor..check this out!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I
> may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
> me, for I may not follow. Do not
> walk beside me either. Just pretty
> much leave me alone.
>
> 2. The journey of a thousand miles
> begins with a broken fan belt or a
> leaky tire.
>
> 3. It's always darkest before dawn , so
> if you're going to steal your
> neighbor's newspaper, that's the
> time to do it.
>
> 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't
> be replaced, you can't be promoted.
>
> 5. Always remember that you're
> unique. Just like everyone else.
>
> 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
>
> 7. If you think nobody cares if you 're
> alive, try missing a couple of car
> payments.
>
> 8. Before you criticize someone, you
> should walk a mile in their shoes.
> That way, when you criticize them,
> you're a mile away and you have
> their shoes.
>
> 9. If at first you don't succeed......
> skydiving is not for you.
>
> 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat
> for a day. Teach him how to fish,
> and he will sit in a boat and drink
> beer all day.
>
> 11. If you tell the truth, you don't
> have to remember anything.
>
> 12. Some days you're the bug, some
> days you're the windshield.
>
> 13. Everyone seems normal until you
> get to know them.
>
> ; 14. The quickest way to double your
> money is to fold it in half and put
> it back in your pocket.
>
> 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>
> 16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It
> has a light side and a dark side,
> and it holds the universe together.
>
> 17. There are two theories to arguing
> with a woman - Neither one
> works.
>
> 18. Generally speaking, you aren't
> learning much when your lips are
> moving.
>
> 19. Experience is something you don't
> get until just after you need it.
>
> 20. Never, under any circumstances,
> take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.