Summer time and the living is...STRESSFUL!

Today is August 3rd. A month from now we will be starting school. Part of me is all..WOO HOO the other part of me is NOOOO!! I do enjoy the laid back pace of summer. I like not having to rush from work to home to practice to home. Laundry, dishes, food, lunches...oh the LUNCHES, homework, half days, did I mention homework?? This summer we've been dealing with the aftermath of our kitchen flood. It has been NO FUN AT ALL. I could list all of the reasons(crappy painters, delays, no communication, and NO DISHWASHER for 3 WHOLE months. It has been the summer of #firstworldproblems. But, we've also had our share of real problems. Problems such as a husband that is still trying to recover, stressful jobs situations, babysitting stresses, mom's who break their ankles (poor Barb!). It seems the Simpson's were due for the SUPER SIZED quantity of all the heavy crap in  2017.
Jeff had a follow up with his primary are doctor today and he texted me to say, "I am still here, they are doing a EKG." I nearly died from PTSD. I seriously had a mini panic attack. My mind went right back to March 7, 2017 at 7:07a.m when I received a text from him saying, " I have blood clots in both lungs, they are admitting me." I never talked to him again until I arrived at the hospital. Ugh, even typing it makes me nauseous. I continue to be so grateful for Jeff's health. In most ways he is "back to normal." He is tolerating his blood thinner well. But, he is definitely not the same Jeff he was prior to his "Event" as well call it.
We are trying to get through this last month without losing our minds. We have pieced together our daycare. The big kids go to Camp Wakeshma in a week, Ellie goes to Aunt Jenn's! We are lucky to have an amazing village to draw upon when we need them and somehow, Jeff and I continue to make it to work!
Speaking of work, after a very rough season, I finally have providers who respect me and my profession. It is heaven!!
We've had a laid back but fun summer. The kids went up to Silver Lake with Jeff and his family for vacation, mom had to stay back and work. Matthew, Jeff and his buddy are going to a Cubs game this weekend, camp for the big kids is a much anticipated event!
We are looking forward to fall and all it will bring. New teachers, middle school for Matthew, soccer and hockey for the big kids, Kalamazoo Children's Chorus for Ellie. Busy, but fun!
We are planning on soaking up every last laid back moment of August!! Happy last month of SUMMER!!
#sorryforallthecaps!

I've got issues..

Jeff had a follow-up appointment with his hematologist today. I was on PTO and so I went with him. I made the mistake of not going to his second appointment and I had a MILLION questions that Jeff  couldn't really answer.  I wish we could say that it went fabulously but, unfortunately I think we are both feeling very confused and worried.  In interest of full disclosure I must admit that I have major issues trusting this physician. I do not appreciate that he NEVER takes the time to go over my husband's chart before he walks into the room. Today for example we were early, and he had plenty of time to review his chart before he came in. However, he did not do that, instead, like the other two times we've seen him, he walks in, talks all rosy and predicted that Jeff will be able to get off of blood thinners. All the while, I am sitting there thinking, "Good gravy dude, you've forgotten that he has factor five homozygous and prothombine time heterozygous!" As I watch him read the chart I literally can see his face change when he spots it, and he starts to retract his earlier statements, and then he reads Jeff's latest blood test (d-dimer)that measures how effectively his anti-coagulation medicine(ELOQUIS) is working, and tells us that although it isn't super high, it is more elevated than last month. He then says, "No, no, you will most likely be on this forever. And, you might need heparin shots if your numbers go up or if you get another clot." I ask about a million questions(like, what about the follow up CT of his damaged lung you said you wanted six months post event, what about his shortness of breath, what about this number, shouldn't we check it again in a few months?) But we don't really get any answers,and then he tells Jeff that he will see him in a year!!! I can tell Jeff is confused ,but I can also tell he wants to trust that his doctor is telling him what is right for him. As we leave I tell him not to worry, that he knows what a REAL DVT and PE feels like and we would go to the ER if he feels that way again. A normal d-dimer range is below 500, Jeff's was in the 1500's when he was in the ICU. Last month is was 640, today it was 677. So while it doesn't seem  terribly alarming,  I feel like waiting a year to recheck it or follow up with the hematologist is not appropriate. Jeff is looking into a second opinion just to make sure that there is nothing else we need to be doing as far as his blood disorder. He has been and will continued to be followed by his cardiologist and interventional radiology is taking out his filter on July 7th. The hematologist also told us today that only 60% of filters are able to be removed. I hadn't heard that before today. I want that filter out. I know I will be anxious on the day it is removed because they said it could take anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours. I am praying that sucker pops right out. I am praying this appointment doesn't increase our anxiety. I hate that I always see the worst case scenarios in my work. It makes me consider all of the worst case scenarios for myself and those I love. But, as I told a friend last week that was waiting on some tests, "Don't borrow trouble." I know worry and anxiety isn't from God. I know that Satan loves it when I tell myself a story of woe and worst case scenarios. I am praying to stand firm in the truth of what God says, to not be anxious about anything but to pray and turn it over to Him. We appreciate all of the prayers we can get! Thanks for reading!

14 years

Tomorrow Jeff and I will be married for 14 years. Today we got in a huge fight because he couldn't find work gloves in the garage. He accused me of throwing them away, I accused him of never putting anything away in the RIGHT place. He had an attitude, I had an attitude. Then I called him an ass in front of his mom. Not my proudest moment.  You all know we've had our fair share of drama lately. Almost dying, kitchen floods, insurance hassles, contractors that are booked out for three months, three kids, two full time jobs, bills, life. You know who's the ass...LIFE!! It is sad that a mere six weeks out from nearly losing my husband, I found myself so frustrated at him that I am calling him names, and in front of his mother no less! Thank God there is always grace. Soon after the above incident occurred, and his mom had left, we talked through our incident and ended up hugging and laughing in the driveway. Fourteen years in, I love that we're always able to do that.  We talk things through. For a man of little words, I can eek them out of him pretty good these days. He never wants to admit wrong doing, and I love to point them out.
Years 12 and 13 were very hard for us as a couple. Major growing pains. I was telling someone today that is getting married in a few weeks that really someone should have another shower when you are married 15 years. I feel like these are the years that are really showing us what we are made of. If we don't invest in the important aspects that give a relationship the things they need to flourish, we could easily fall apart. We've learned our weaknesses and where we needed to grow both as individuals, and as a couple over the past two years. Thank God we figured many things out before all this crap happened because it just may have broken us. I knew these truths on our last anniversary.  This past year we've invested in ourselves and in our relationship with Christ. We've developed our faiths and good friendships. We've been blessed by our obedience. We know we have miles to go, and much more work to do to make sure our relationship continues  to be healthy and flourish in good times and in bad. We are committed to the work, and to each other. You know I love making lists. So, here goes my 14 reasons I love being married to Jeff.

14. His laid back attitude. Even when he's freaked out by huge medical bills and insurance deductibles, he still has a pretty good poker face.
13. He puts the kids to bed. Every night, without fail, he's helping them shower, tucking them in. I realized when he was sick how much I LOVE this!!
12. He knows what I need to recharge. See #13, I need lots of sleep and time alone to recharge. Jeff gets that and sacrifices his own needs to see mine our met.
11. He appreciates my feisty side. The other day I was asking him why he loves me, he admitted that he loves that I am feisty. Believe me, he saw plenty of this side when he was hospitalized.
10. He is a great listener. Work venting, people venting, always listening.
9. He has the same opinions as me on things that matter. I know many people marry people that don't have similar views but this is what works for us. We agree on things like religion, and most political issues.
8. We have fun. There is no one I'd rather hang out with than Jeff. I was so sad when I realized he couldn't come to Tennessee. We would have had such a good time together!
7. We usually don't sweat the small stuff. We both realize life is short and we try and live it to the fullest.
6. He holds me accountable. He is my ACCOUNTANT after all. I'd be a huge financial wreak without him!
5. His relationship with God is important to him. Jeff was recently baptized but he's been a believer for many years. I love that he wants to grow in his faith and that it is important that Christ is the foundation of our marriage. I have no doubt if this wasn't the case we would never have made it this far.
4. He is smart. Nothing sexier than a man who can do math! LOL!
3. He is an amazing father. Patient, loving, selfless, kind, committed. Our kids are lucky
2. He is a great friend. As I have stated before, you'd be hard pressed to find a person who doesn't like  him.
1. Life is hard, marriage is hard. After coming so close to losing my husband, I cherish this anniversary and every additional one that we are blessed to have. You never know what the day will bring. Cherish every moment. And, if you lose your temper and call your husband an ass, say your sorry and give him a hug. After all, we can never forget our good friend, Grace!

Matthew is 12

Matthew turns 12 on Friday!! I have seen such a transformation in him this year. He is my buddy, he confides in me and trusts me when he is stressed or wants to talk through what's on his mind. He is thoughtful and kind and really just a pleasure to be around. Now don't get me wrong, he can be whiny and over react and annoy the crap out of his sisters which in turn annoys the crap out of me! But, over all, I am just thrilled that God picked me to be his mom!
Matthew is in the home stretch of grade school and will go to middle school next year. He was dreading it ,but I think he's moved into the acceptance stage:). He has a great group of friends that he has fun with in school, and most are moving with him to West Middle School.  Our grade school splits in middle school into two schools. Matthew tends to let his mind get away from him and can get anxious about things. However, he's learned some awesome tools that help him to "CHILL!" I love that he still wants to talk to me about everything and I always know when something is bothering him. No poker face on that one! I pray he always feels that comfortable coming to me.
He is still a major sports fan. Hockey, baseball, football and basketball rank high on his priority to watch. He had a fun hockey season and will be playing spring hockey instead of baseball this year. He loves the Red Wings, Tigers, Lions and Cubs! I love watching Matthew and Jeff interact when it comes to sports. Matthew is Jeff's mini-me in so many ways.
I thought for fun and to remember what this twelve year old was like I would ask him some questions

What is your favorite food?
Burritos from Mo's
What is your favorite thing to do?
Play hockey
What was the best memory from this year?
Scoring with 30 seconds left in the Cadillac hockey tournament which tied us!
What was the worst memory from this year?
When Daddy was in the hospital.
What are you looking forward this next year?
Hockey! 
What are you dreading?
Getting a girlfriend, "I don't want that." 
What do you want for your birthday dinner?
Red Lobster
What are you doing this summer?
Going to the pool, going to sleepover camp and hockey camp. Getting along with my sisters(mom added that!) 
If you had one wish what would it be?
Automatically make it to the NHL! 

Happy Birthday Matthew Jeffrey Simpson! We love you so much!!

One month and 43 years

Tomorrow is Jeff's 43rd birthday. As Jeff entered his 40's I always knew he was nervous about it. His own father died at 46. He was always nervous about it all. Now that his ultimate worry has been realized. Literally dying ,and coming back, I am not sure how he feels about it all. He has always been a quiet man, my Jeff. A man of few ,but poignant words. His words have not yet come about all of this and likely, when they do, I won't share them here. I have plenty of thoughts and words that have come ,but I am realizing that perhaps they are best not shared here either. It has been a month of busy, busy, busy. Medical appointments, bad news, plans, medicines, and resting and recouping. Jeff found out that he has a pretty rare clotting disorder, two factors, inherited from both parents. He will be a lifer as far a blood thinners go. We are most likely going to go to a larger medical center for a second opinion to make sure we are doing all we can. This past month has been so many mix of emotions. Grueling, exhausting, frustrating, and terrifying. But, also supportive, loving, kind, merciful, redemptive, and healing. For every bad moment, a good one followed. We have been blessed with meals, gift cards, groceries, prayers, hugs, and love. This season will bring forth great growth, I have no doubt. I continue to be so grateful to God's mercy to us and especially me as I strongly feel He has been preparing me for a season such as this.
I won't lie, the thought of going back to work on Monday nearly terrifies me. It seems its been so long, it seems the work is too hard. But, then I realize, I have been given a gift. The gift of knowing what it is like for patients and families that are walking in similar shoes such as ours. The frustrations of the United State's health care system, I KNOW them. The FEELING of having yet another doctor walk into a room and NOT KNOW a single thing about my husband's health...what in the hell??? Beyond frustrating. I am sure that I am known in my husband's work place, that happens to be his healthcare system as well, that you don't mess with Susan Simpson. Good Lord, do I wish I didn't have to make sure everyone was doing their job!
But, I would do it all, again and again, for my Jeff. March is a big month for us. We met in March, we dated in March, we thought," it will never work for us in March!"But, it did work, we are a great team. We are hopelessly flawed ,but we own and, it and ,love each other despite our weaknesses. In honor of his 43rd birthday I thought I would add 4 and 3 and come up with 7 things I love about Jeff. After all, March 7, 2017 will forever be a date we never forget, for it is the day that my Jeff left but returned to me, to us, and for that I will never take for granted or stop giving thanks for! Happy Birthday Jeffrey Arthur Simpson. The world, and our lives,would be nothing without you!!

7. His love of sports! Even though I am not a sports fan, I love how passionate my husband is about all things sports
6. His laid back attitude. Even now, in the face of all he's endured, he's all..Well, I didn't die, so that's good!!
5. His forgiving spirit. He loves me despite all my faults. And believe me, there  are plenty!
4. He is a wonderful parent! Patient, calm, loving, fun and attentive!!!
3. My accountant! I like to poke fun but I love that he keeps us in line financially!
2. Great friend. A friend said to us during his ICU stay, Jeffy doesn't have one enemy! That IS SO true!! Everyone loves Jeff!
1. My rock! I can't even think about a life without Jeff at the helm. He is steady, calm, and brings out the best in me and our life!!! Happy birthday my love!!!!!

A big one...

I have debated when is the right time for this post? It is exactly two weeks since Jeff's "event" as I call it. Part of me doesn't want to write it because honestly, some of it is too raw. But, most of me doesn't want to forget the details of it all and, so here I sit, ready to write it here. I have been thinking much about this blog. It is eleven years old. It has documented so much of our lives, the good and the bad, and so, it is certainly fitting that the BIGGEST story that's happened to us, would be shared here.
I feel like to completely understand everything that happened on March 7, 2017, you really have to go back to the beginning, before we were Jeff and Susan the married couple with three kids!
Jeff was born and raised in Kalamazoo. His father, Roger, died of a sudden heart attack back in 1986, when Jeff was only 11. Jeff's mom did an awesome job raising him, his twin sister Jenny, and older sister Kim. While all this was happening in Kalamazoo, I was a ten year old little girl living in the suburbs of Chicago. Ironically, I have vivid memories of being terrified that something would happen to one of my parents. The anxiety would be paralyzing at times. Eventually we moved to Midland, Michigan and between my sophomore and junior year of high school, several people I knew died. A little girl I babysat for was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor and died within a week, my friend's dad died suddenly at home, a teacher's daughter died in an automobile crash and a classmate was killed in a drunk driving accident. Let's just say that the anxiety I had about death was thrown into high gear. Looking back, I realize that no one really knew how to help us deal with all of this loss. Eventually, life went on and I graduated and went to college. I ended up majoring in Family Community Studies and I ended up meeting Jeff Simpson in March of 1995. I worked for the court system as a victim advocate and with domestic violence victims. When we had Matthew I decided I wanted to be a stay at home mom. However, after we had all three kids, I realized that I wanted more. I decided that I needed a Masters in Social Work to have access to the careers I wanted. I went back to school in September of 2013. My first internship was with Borgess Hospital as a medical social worker intern. I loved every minute of it! Something has always drawn me to medical social work. My love of crisis, medicine, helping those in need navigate difficult circumstances. I love serving as a liaison between the physicians, nurses, case managers and other providers. I have no doubt that the role that anxiety related to grief and loss has certainly influenced my career choice. Truth be told, losing a loved one has continued to terrify me. I have said to co-workers that sometimes I think I have chosen my career because I feel somehow it might prepare me if I ever encountered such a crisis in my own life. I have worked as a medical social worker for Bronson for four years, two in the ER and two as the palliative care social worker. While it has made me mildly parnaoid at times, I think it really has just opened my eyes to the possibility that while usually the worse case scenario won't happen, it is possible. At the same time, as Jeff has gotten closer to the age his father died, his paranoia about sudden cardiac death has increased. It is not unusual for him to google symptoms and self diagnosis a variety of conditions. Most of the time I am exasperated and say, "Good grief! You do not have....this, that or the other thing."
Fast forward to a few days before the event. Jeff had been thinking he might have a UTI but his symptoms seemed to be improving. On Monday night he was complaining of back pain but it seemed to be flank pain, not high up on his back. He did say his leg hurt but he thought it was his sciatica. I know this because if he would have had it in the traditional behind the knee DVT spot he would have asked if I thought it was a blood clot. Ironically, we have had several conversations about blood clots!  I went to bed and was awoken to Jeff literally jumping out of bed screaming my name. I will admit that at first I was annoyed as he is prone to doing this periodically if he's had a nightmare. I remember thinking, "Uggh. go to sleep!" But as I became more alert, I realized he was in pain. He said that his back was killing and he didn't know if he should go to the ER. I asked him where the pain was, if he was having trouble breathing, etc. We discussed calling an ambulance but quickly dismissed that because we didn't want to scare the kids and we honestly felt he likely had a kidney stone. Jeff said he would just drive himself and that's when I said, "No way, you could have a blood clot!" and "If you throw a clot while you're driving you're in real trouble." He got annoyed and said, "Why do always have to freak me out?" We drove to the ED and the whole way there I kept checking his symptoms, ten out of ten pain, no shortness of breath and at this time he was not complaining about leg pain at all. When I dropped him off I said, "Tell them you are short of breath, tell them about your mom's history of a blood clot so they work you up for that too." (I found out later he was naughty and did not tell them that!!)I went home and we continued to text throughout the night. It seemed the ED staff also felt it was likely a kidney stone. However, all the testing began to return and it seemed that was not the case. Thank God, his CT showed some fluid in his left lung. Thank God, the ED physcian decided to do another CT of his lungs. The last text I got from Jeff was at 7:19a.m. It said, "The CT shows blood clots in both of my lungs, they are admitting me." I remember thinking "Crap!" But, looking back, I definitely wasn't as freaked as I would think I would be or as I probably should be. My plan was to take the kids to school and then go to the ER before I knew about the clots. When I got the text, there wasn't a sense of urgency for some reason and so I continued with my plan. Matthew was wanting to talk to Jeff and so I texted Jeff and said to please call or text if he could. When I didn't hear anything back, that is when the panic set in. I called his phone twice and the third time his boss answered the phone. I remember knowing immediately something horrible had happened. I asked Scott what happened and he told me Jeff had an event. I remember asking, "What do you mean?" He said he passed out. I asked with urgency, "Did he pass out or did he have an event?" My experience as a former ER MSW knew that it was the latter. He didn't really answer but simply said, "Are you coming?" I called my friend Annie, who already knew what was going on and told her what happened and it felt like literally a minute later she was at my house calmly getting my kids. I was able to keep it together and stay calm for the kids. I remember hugging her in the laundry room and crying because I had no idea what was ahead for Jeff or myself.
Long story short, I arrived at Borgess and was taken back to one of their trauma rooms and here is where it was absolutely surreal for me. I have been in countless trauma rooms, with family members, with doctors, being told similar things that were now being said to me. When I walked in I recognized one of the ICU residents that also rotates to Bronson, I think I was like, "Oh, hi, how are you?" WHAT IN THE WORLD! The ICU doctor asked me if I was Jeff's wife and I nodded and asked what happened? He looked at me with much concern in his eyes and said, "Your husband had a pulmonary embolism that stopped his heart. He died but we were able to resusciate  him". I felt like I wanted to say, "Who? Him? Jeff? " It seemed so unreal to me. Jeff was awake and was able to respond to me but was definitely not himself. The doctor went on to say many things that are now mostly a blur. I remember asking, "Do you think he has an underlying malignancy?" and then went on to tell him that I was a palliative care MSW. I am sure he was like, hmmm, that's strange your telling me all this and asking strange questions. He was very nice, albeit brutally honest. I found out that they were able to administer CPR to Jeff right when his heart stopped and they gave him TPA immediately as well. Looking back, I thank God for so much of this story but not being with Jeff when he coded is one of things I am most grateful for. I don't think I could have handled it. Even the thought of it makes me teary. There was so much peace within me from 7:19a.m on, even if I felt panicky at not knowing what the heck was going on. My kids still don't know that all of this happened and most of that is because I was able to get them off before going to the ER.
It is an absolute miracle that we did not blow off the pain. We could have so easily had him take some Motrin and go back to bed. If he had, he would have died. I have no doubt about this. I feel certain that between his paranoia and mine as well as my medical social work experience, together, we were able to have Jeff be exactly where he needed to be. I thank God that the PCA was putting on the EKG leads when he coded. He easily could have been alone in his room when this happened. I am so thankful that chest compressions did the trick and he didn't need to be intubated. Even though he was out of it, I could hear his voice when I arrived at the ER!
I am completely convinced that God's hand was in every step of this. I can see His hand in our lives, preparing us for this, even 18 months ago. We were very far from God and our relationship was suffering. We were approached by a couple to join a small group, which we did. This group helped us come back to church, to God and devoting time to what was important in life. Our faith's grew. Good relationship's blossomed. The grace He has extended us is overwhelming. We have been blessed beyond measure from so many different people. Life long friends, church friends, work friends, people who don't even know us. God has given us peace that surpasses all understanding. There has been healing in brokenness. This story is just beginning. I am humbled. I am grateful. I can not imagine a life without Jeff. I am so thankful that God spared him. There is much more I want to share about this grace and God's love. But, for now, I think this is enough. That being said, if you are reading and you've prayed, brought us a meal, watched our kids, run to the store, sent us a gift card, etc, please know we are so grateful. Our lives have been blessed because of your thoughtfulness!

March 7, 2017

This day will forever more be my beginning. The day when my husband died, and only by the Grace of God was brought back. This is my truth. This is his truth. We will never back down from this truth as we feel very strongly God has a purpose  for sparing Jeff. There are so many stories of God's grace in his survival. My master's education and experience that gave me the intuition that something was very wrong . The PCA that has worked at Borgess for over ten years and I believe gave Jeff the best CPR.  The doctor that knew that TPA was the only solution. Jeff's heart coming out of a rhythm that was crazy, all God. I'll never stop giving Him the glory. We have a long road of recovery ahead of us but I don't care for one minute. I have my Jeffy. My kids have their beloved dad. Jeff is the best  person I have ever known. The guy seriously has no enemies. Sometimes a procrastinator, sure! But a good guy...ALWAYS. It is the reason I chased him so fiercely. I knew Jeffrey Arthur Simpson was something special! He has a road of recovery ahead and I will be by his side every step of the way! Jeff Simpson is our life. I thank and praise God for sparing him. His work is not finished and I promise you God, he will not let you down!!

Updates

I haven't posted since New Year's Eve! Time has flown it seems in the past two months! The weather has been strange ,but nice! Mild! I know that says something larger about the state of our climate and its decline, but it is easy to push that out of your mind when you're basking in 60 degrees in February!
We have a had a pretty good season thus far. Life is keeping us busy with sports. Matthew's hockey team has suffered some tough losses after a winning first part of the season. It has been interesting to help him navigate his feelings surrounding this new world of maturing he's in. Matthew has turned into our serious, never wanting to do anything wrong, sometimes overly anxious kid. What I love about him though is he talks to me about it all. I want to soak this up because I know it could all go to hell in a hand basket next year. He's such a thoughtful kid. An old soul and so much like me in so many ways. I try and encourage him to just live and follow his instincts because they are pretty darn good and I want him to learn to trust them! He knows what is good and right and I believe that he will make his way in middle school and beyond! Speaking  of that, I can hardly believe this kid is done with grade school! It really does seem like he was just born! Mom's of littles believe me ....it flies!! I called moms like me LIARS ,but there was so much truth in their words! Caroline is plugging away in 4th grade! She has grown so much this year! Both emotionally and physically! I swear she might end up to be 6 feet tall! I realized this past teacher conference that she was struggling some in math and I found myself shocked! I am realizing that just when I think I have my sweet girl figured out, I don't. I am trying to take my time and be more thoughtful in my approach with my middle girl. She has so many gifts and talents to offer the world. I love watching her discover who she is! Speaking of her talents, Caroline is becoming one talented soccer player! Ellie has come into her own this past few months. Confident. She finally stopped pushing against her "repeat year", and has embraced it with gusto. She is definitely a third born youngest. Sometimes a rule follower, sometimes a rebel, but always a snuggler which gets mom and dad hook, line,and sinker almost every time! Ellie is chatty, and I love having time alone with her to discuss various topics and to listen to her interpretation on things she  has discovered in her world. I feel like I am the most patient with her sometimes, and that makes me sad because really, I need to treasure every stage that my three kids are in and show patience and grace to all of them in the the ways they individually need . It seems to be easiest with the little one though as it seems so final. Oh, the lessons that parenting continues to teach me.
Work...work is hard lately. Lots of demands.  Many opportunities have come my way and that is exciting. Largely work is good ,but some of my interactions are very difficult. I will see it though because I am realizing more and more  through the adversity that I love the actual work. Helping those with  chronic and life limiting disease is what makes me get up in the morning. It is an honor and the rest, well, it's all just noise that I must learn to tune out to do the important work I am so fortunate to be able to do.
Jeff and I are coming up on fourteen years of marriage this April. This year has been so good and sweet after a difficult season. I appreciate and love him more and more. Small group continues to ground us, the Lord continues to stretch  and bless us. Life, on March 1, 2017 is pretty darn sweet.

2017

It is New Year's Eve...it is nearly 11pm. One hour until a new year is upon us. There are so many things that are scary as hell about 2017. Trump. Tweeting. Tweening.  How do you like that alteration? I know so many people are so discouraged about what 2017 will bring. I am not. 2016 was the first year ever that I actually saw my resolutions through. I am a better person tonight than I was a year ago. I have made significant changes in my life and I have seen the positive changes it has made. I am so glad for every hard moment that I had to get to this moment. It has strengthened my faith and made me realize how much grace and redemption I have been blessed to receive. There is certainly work to be done. Coming to terms to with the  behaviors that led me to where I was. Appreciating every blessing I have. Waking up everyday and feeling grateful, even when the circumstances of my life don't necessarily point that attitude. Now that I feel I have a good spiritual footing, 2017 will be devoted to wellness! While all is well with my soul these days..health wise I am a mess. Eating like there isn't a care in the world about what fuels my body, bloated, yuck. I know better but yet I know this will always be a struggle. I like food and I like the easy way out...a horrible combination when you also struggle with the concept of moderation. I usually have this happen every few years, being totally fed up and disgusted with myself and I change my ways for a good six months. But, I always find my way back to this state(gluttony and indifference). I have faith that I can change this with the right approach. The good thing about having a great 2016 is that it has you believing you can transfer the skills you used to accomplish 2016's goal to 2017's! I believe!!! Really, I have nothing to lose..ha ha..the pun! Really I have everything to lose and can not continue to gain!!
Every post this year has spoken to all we've left behind. The toxic behaviors and people. The poor choices. Leaving that behind has definitely shown me that this lesson is applicable to all struggles I have. The easy path will never produce any lasting fruit. It will wilt, it may taste good at the time, but the after taste is the most bitter you will ever taste and experience.
Financial freedom is another goal of mine and ALWAYS of Jeff's. He is so wise. He is so patient but I need to buckle down because I am desperate to leave our house. It has served us well in the nearly 12 years we've lived here but we are ready for change. Our girls need their own space. We need a bit more space and distance from some mistakes that we do not need daily reminders of. So, I will forgo the things I feel are needs because they are really wants. We have more than enough. We can conquer this and move on to a better space for our family and a place where our souls can rest easy without constant reminders of the crap we've left behind. Will me miss most of our neighbors, certainly. But, moving on is best for every single person in our family.
So many things will happen in 2017..Matthew will move on from elementary school to middle school. Caroline will start her last year of elementary. Ellie will continue to find her way in 2nd grade. I will negotiate an interesting work life and find my way.  Jeff will continue to struggle with his role and where is his future is headed. We will live our everyday lives. I have so much gratefulness for the mundane. Life is good when you know your life is normal. I work with people everyday who have to negotiate a new normal and thus I appreciate worrying about trivial things such such as how will Matthew cope with 6th grade, will Caroline hate me when she is a teenager, did we make the right decision when we held Ellie back? Because in the end, we are mostly happy, healthy and together. What I learned in 2016 is that Team Simpson sticks together and there is NO other team I'd ever want to be on!!!
Happy New Year!!! We can do 2017!!!!

Christmas Eve

We are a few hours from Christmas. What a wonderful season it has been for us. We've had lots of fun but have also taken the time to enjoy it all. Intentional. That is what I will remember about this holiday season. Enjoying my decorations, my tree, my family, and all my many other blessings. Feeling so grateful for this sweet spot we find ourselves.
One thing that really saddens me is that Matthew is totally suspicious  of Santa. All of his friends don't believe and he continues to ask us but you can see it in his face and his eyes through tears, that he's not ready to know. I was about to tell him a few weeks ago but I couldn't do it. Too many things are bombarding our boy right now. He's right on the cusp of boy to tween. He's struggling to find his way in all of that. I love that he comes to me to discuss all of his fears and thoughts. I know it is such a gift. And so, given all he's told me, I know if we told him, right now, that we are Santa, it would crush him. Jeff and I decided we will tackle this, together, in the New year. Oh my, growing up does suck sometimes doesn't it?
We are prepared for Christmas and for the first time ever, we aren't wrapping until the wee hours of the morning. We've spent the day with family, Jeff took the kids with his sister to do some fun activities that she gifts them for Christmas. Rock climbing for the big kids and Bounceland for the littles. I am struggling with a wicked cold and used the time to rest some and wrap a lot. Our plans were a bit jostled at the last minute and with mom feeling like crap and a house full of people arriving tomorrow afternoon we decided on a family favorite, Chinese! Well, everyone's favorite except Caroline who happily ate her Wendy's. As I watched everyone eat their respective food I felt truly happy and thankful. We are blessed. Yes, 2016 was hard and we all know that 2017 will surely throw us some doozies! But, I am hopeful. I believe in the hope and redemption that the little baby who was born all those years ago in a manger brings. He can make all things new. I have experienced it fully in 2016. I  will move forward  to whatever comes my way knowing my God will never waiver. If I continue to seek Him and His ways my life won't necessarily be easy but it will bearable.
Wishing you and yours the Merriest of Christmases and Happy Holidays and a bright and HOPEFUL New Year. We can do this. One day at a time. Heck, maybe one minute at a time.

Thankful 2016

We are just one week away from Thanksgiving! I will have you know that it was 70 degrees here in Michigan today! It has been one of the loveliest falls I can remember.  I am certainly thankful for awesome fall weather! So, when I think of all the things that I enjoy about blogging, this list is certainly at the top of the list. I went through past "lists" the other week and oh my, what a walk down memory lane. The same themes are present: faith, friends and kids but the stories, they evolve and change right along with us I suppose. So..here goes it for November 2016

10. A great boss. I appreciate how fortunate I am to be supported by an awesome manager in my work place. I have had plenty of previous jobs where this isn't the case and it is horrible. I really can't imagine juggling the already difficult task of full time mom/wife and MSW without a supportive manager!
9. Netflix. This always seems to make the list. My days can be long and oh, so sad. To be able to retreat to the comfort of my bed and unwind with a show truly is one of my top forms of self-care. I can forget about death and dying, abuse and neglect, injustice and politics and escape to some of my favorite places through Netflix!
8. Small group. We've been involved with our group for over a year now and it continues to bless us beyond measure. Not only do we grow together in our faith but we have so much fun! This summer we went camping and last weekend we raked leaves for some folks and it was a blast.
7. My kid's teachers. Our kids go to a wonderful school where the teachers really pour their hearts and souls into our children's education. They are with our children more than we are and I couldn't ask for better role models!
6. Co-workers. I love so many of the people I work with. We share the same sick sense of humor and the same struggles. We trust each other and we get each other through the toughest of days.
5. My new car! In February I got a new Ford Explorer and lordy be do I LOVE driving a new car. After driving an old car for years I do not take one drive in my car for granted!!
4. Having more than enough. It is so easy these days to play the comparison game. The truth is I am blessed beyond measure but I can be the biggest brat when it comes to always wanting more. JUST ASK MY ACCOUNTANT!
3. That brings me to my accountant, aka my JEFF. My everything. The one who keeps me real and loves me, just as I am. What more could a girl ask for?
2. My kids. Matthew, my first born, rule following, thoughtful, sports obsessed, funny, only boy. Caroline, my feisty, smart, artistic, organized, friendly, funny, creative middle girl. Ellie, my lovable, sweet, determined, sometimes hesitant and always snugly baby girl. They are the reason I do anything and honestly, they have revealed every short coming I have ever had. I am a better person or at least trying to be a better person because of these three. I pray everyday that I am not screwing it up too badly and pray daily for grace for the task I have been given.
1. Faith. This will always be my number one because it is my everything. Everything I do or don't do is impacted in some way by my faith. 2016 was the year in which I always want to remember that I found my way back. I stopped ignore that still, small voice that was trying to tell me that I wasn't the best wife, mom, friend, christian I could be. I am thankful for ALL of the lessons that 2016 held, even the incredibly tough ones. Some days my faith in my God and His promises of forgiveness and redemption were the ONLY things that got me through. With all that is going on in the world today, I am so THANKFUL that I am right with my God and my faith. Something tells me I am going to need it, in different ways, in 2017..and beyond.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Take the time to think of what you are thankful for, what you cherish, what you value. Love your people, and tell them that! Enjoy the blessings and your life and find ways to help those who may have less than you. That's my Thanksgiving advice for 2016!

A big ol'break

Hello! I haven't been blogging much lately. That's because life is CRAZY! Soccer, hockey, work, laundry, cleaning, sleeping..repeat! It seems it was just Labor Day and now it is Halloween! Life happens fast. Lately I have been feeling slightly nostalgic about that. For example this week I have been running around costuming our kids, going to our church's trunk or treat, getting the kids ready early this morning for their school parties and then tonight the Harvest Party. While it can be exhausting and admittedly the last thing I want to do after a long week of work, I tried to cherish it. These moments are flying by. I KNOW I will miss these moments. So, instead of wishing it to go by, I tried to really enjoy my babies. Matthew who dressed up like Jake from State Farm, Caroline a Ghostbuster and Ellie a Zombie cheerleader. They had fun, they looked cute, and yes, I will admit, it was busy but fun week.
Tonight I chatted with a friend who I haven't seen in awhile. She asked me, "How are things?" I answered her with most of the normal chit chat that one does when you haven't seen someone in awhile. But, as I sit and really contemplate that question, I think I'd say, "Things are awesome."  Our family was in a very hard place for a very long time. Now, with considerable distance between where we were and where we are now, can I see how truly off the beaten path we (and by that I mean mostly me) were. We lost our footing. We lost our focus. We lost our purpose. Surving life got in the way of truly LIVING life.  Our faith was muddy to say the least.  Truly, a year ago, I couldn't imagine a life without the chaos that I had created. It had become my norm. So many lessons we've learned in this year. I'd like to say I can't wait to see 2016 go ,but really its been the best year of my life. It has been the year where I have really come into my own in my work life. I love what I do. I am passionate about patients and families understanding their healthcare and their choices. I love my family. It is a big old mess most of the time but it is my mess. The other night I overheard Jeff and Ellie talking and I thought to myself..this is what I always wanted. I remember meeting Jeff and knowing instantly he'd be the best dad. I have never been more right. In addition he happens to be the most understanding husband and best match for me that I could ever imagine! Jeff Simpson is the best decision I have ever made. Content. That's what I am feeling. Sure, there is still so much work to do. We have miles to go before we sleep. But, I no longer wake up feeling anxious and yucky ALL THE TIME. I rarely second guess myself and feel that I have surrounded our family and myself with people who ADD value. Compared to the last three years of life..it is BLISS,
The kids are doing good. Caroline is doing well in fourth grade. She has a great teacher and a good group of kids. She had a great fall soccer season and is looking forward to indoor. Matthew, our fifth grader continues to tolerate school. He really misses his teacher from last year. But, I am realizing that my boy doesn't really like change. He is full throttle into hockey and doing well. Ellie, who is repeating first grade has struggled some. My confidant girl has become more anxious about going to school. I definitely underestimated how much she would miss her friends from last year. However, academically Ellie is doing well and we are confident that, in time, she will find a new friend group  and be just fine.
Jeff and I are still involved in our small group from church and continued to be blessed by the fellowship and accountability this group has given us.
We are looking forward to the coziness of the upcoming seasons of spending time with family at Thanksgiving and Christmas. We are thankful for new friendships and the grace that God has allowed in letting go of what wasn't meant to be. Life is good and God, most certainly is.  

Summer wrap up

The other day I was reading a blog where the mom did a recap of what her kids were up to.  I like that idea and haven't really done that much in the past year. Times flies and I can barely remember last week let alone last year! I thought this would be a good way to remember what my little hooligans were like in August of 2016.
Matthew..age 11, about to enter fifth grade. I can hardly believe this boy is entering his last year of elementary school. He is not exactly a fan of school and would love everyday to be a stay at home day. He's a homebody and is most comfortable hanging out here. Matthew has a great group of buddies and I am so thankful for that. I pray that he continues to foster these relationships. One of things I worry most about with my kids is who their friends are. Friends can make or break you. Matthew loves sports! He is a little encyclopedia of sports facts. He especially loves the Tigers, Cubs, Lions, and Red Wings. Matthew is gearing up to play hockey again. He is a little sad this year to start again because many of his buddies from his beloved last year's team have moved on to different teams. He had such an amazing experience last year. His team won a lot, he developed his skills and we had some of the best kids and parents you could hope for. So many people inquire why we invest so much money and time into hockey? I am quick to defend this costly and investment of time sport because it has done so many wonderful things for our boy. Matthew has learned so many lessons and gained so much self confidence through his years of playing hockey. Matthew's personality has really blossomed over this past year. He is funny, thoughtful, kind and has a great laid back attitude most of the time. That being said, he can tend to error on the side of lazy and if you try and get him to do something he doesn't want to you start to see a "tweenager"attitude. But, overall, Matthew is really a joy to be around. He still loves to chat with me and don't tell him I told the blog world but he will still give me a hug and kiss before going anywhere!  I am proud of the young man he's become.
Caroline, age 9, nearly 10, is about to enter fourth grade. Caroline is one of the most creative people I have ever met. She can create a story, video, project out of nothing. Caroline is smart and driven, especially when she is motivated. Something I will remember about her from this summer is her soccer tryout experience. Caroline had been playing for a club for the past two years but this year they did not have enough kids for two teams and she was cut. Rather than give up and throw the towel in with soccer, she decided to go out for another team, the day after she was cut. She was not dismayed and showed her new team that she has what it takes to be a part of their team. I can see a change in her over the past few weeks since practices have begun. She wants to work on her skills and impress her coaches. Caroline can really accomplish anything she sets her mind to. She is the most fabulous organizer! She can clean like nobody's business! Caroline is independent and that certainly serves his well in many circumstances but she is also incredibly stubborn. This has been a constant source of strife for us over the years and I have especially struggled with this trait over the summer. Sometimes she is just relentless and it can be frustrating. However, we are determined not to break our dear girl's spirit. She has so much potential and I'll be damned if I am the one that squashes her will. It will always be a work in progress, Caroline and I. That girl has taught me so much about myself and definitely about my shortcomings. Caroline will have the same teacher that Matthew had last year. I love Mrs. Konkel and think she will be an excellent match for our Sweet Caroline.
Ellie, is less than a week away from turning 7! SEVEN!! How can that be? It really does seem like yesterday that she surprised us all with her early arrival! Ellie is full of life. She is dramatic and girlie and loves to act much older than she is. We are going to have to keep tabs on this one for sure. Ellie struggled a bit last year in first grade and after thoughtful consideration, we've decided she will repeat first grade. Academically Ellie struggled with reading last year but ,honestly, she's come leaps and bounds. We've continued with a tutor this summer who is a retired reading specialist. Ellie adored her and despite the challenges she's faced with reading, she's continued to persevere and I am happy to report she loves to read! She is so proud of how far she's come and so are we! This year Ellie has a teacher that Matthew also had in first grade. She is an excellent teacher and I think she will compliment Ellie well and challenge her during this "extra" practice of a year. The other day a friend asked Ellie what grade she was entering and Ellie proudly said, " I am going to do first grade again, I need a little extra time." That's exactly right sweet girl! Ellie is thrilled to be turning seven and can not wait to get a new bike and her ear's pierced! Ellie is playing AYSO soccer this fall and can't wait to start
This summer we've had a great "manny" who has held tight with these somewhat challenging Simpson kids. Christian was fun and laid back and held his own with those little girls! We will all miss him. We are excited to get back into our routines. Wait, who am I kidding, mom and dad are excited for earlier bedtimes and regular activities to resume. We're excited to watch them compete in soccer and hockey. This summer we did lots of fun things like our trip to Silver Lake, camp Grandma in Chicago for the big kids, real tent camping with our small group from church, bonfires and swimming with friends. We've made new friends and in many ways are the happiest we've been in years. Sure we struggle.Usually daily with this, that or the other thing. We are all works in progress. But, we are determined to keep on working on it,whatever IT may be!

Summer 16

 We are more than half way through this summer..boo!! I admit, I used to be the mom who hated summer. It meant chasing toddlers around, and never feeling like I had a moment to myself. But now, eleven years in, it means no homework, no sports, no lunches to pack, no making sure planners are signed..it is bliss! Even though I work full time, the pace of summer is a welcome reprieve from the rest of the year! The kids have a fabulous sitter name Christian who is going to be a sophomore at MSU! He is the perfect mix of laid back and fun and my kids love him. Jeff and I are plugging away at work and it is busy for both of us so the break from the rest of the stress of the year is welcomed!
I feel at peace this summer. We are on track, for the first time in years. We are in a good place in our lives and in our marriage. It doesn't seem like it's all work. Instead it seems like a comfortable routine. I love evenings spent on our deck chatting away with the kids and Jeff. The past few years were full of drama and lots of unnecessary yuck.  I realize now much of this was much of my own doing. I am so grateful for God's provision and protection. Even when I was far, far away from Him, He stood by me and I am not sure I will ever be able to fully comprehend that kind of grace. I have made and fostered some incredible relationships in the past year. I have realized that life is indeed too short for bullshit and anything that doesn't make you a better person. We spent far too long on the wrong path. I love being on a path I feel God has ordained. Life certainly isn't easy but it is hopeful.
We are slowly gearing up for fall. Hockey, soccer for both girls, travel for Caroline. Ellie trying her hand at first grade again. New routines and new adventures. We aren't quite ready for the loveliness of summer to be over just yet. We will soak up all the pool and beach days,sleeping in, hanging out and staying in our jammies all day, that we can get. For we know that just around the corner is math homework and practices and tournaments and rushing, rushing, rushing. It feels good, this place we are at, and so we will soak it all in for a little while longer. Here's hoping your summer is lovely as well!!

Lucky 13

 Tomorrow Jeff and I celebrate thirteen years of marriage. I thought to honor the occasion I would make a list of the 13 things I know about marriage thus far into our endeavor.

13. What idealistic idiots we were 13 years ago. Well, mainly me, I am sure Jeff, in his wisdom ,knew what he was getting himself into! I definitely had no idea how much work marriage can be.
12. Waiting a few years to have kids may have been the smartest thing we ever did. We were able to do many things that make being a married adult suck less now(like running kids around to a billion sporting events, helping with homework, and did I mention those kids expect three meals a day!??)
11. Being friends with your spouse is a good idea. Jeff and I were friends for almost five years before we tied the knot.  We lived separate lives but doing things together as friends has afforded us a bond that is pretty strong.
10. Like who you marry. If I weren't married to Jeff, I know I would love to be his pal. He is just a good, decent guy. The more I live in this world, the more I realize they are sadly hard to come by!
9. Laugh, good Lord, laugh. Some days you want to cry at the weight of it all. Adulting is so hard after all. I can't tell you how much a good laugh with Jeff cheers me up!
8. Making time for us. I am pretty decent about making date nights and couple nights a priority for us. Get away from those kids, stop talking about hockey, well, okay, if you can't stop talking about hockey, at least do it with some other adults! Go away for the weekend. Invest in the "we"!
7. Don't take your spouse for granted. The grass is never greener on the other side. In fact, that grass most certainly has hidden slugs! Be grateful for what you've been given and know that you can suck too. Don't even make giving up an option!
6. You don't wake up everyday thinking, "God, I just can't get enough of this man." Sadly, no. But, do I wake up every morning thinking, "Thank you God for blessing me with a partner like Jeff!" Yes! And I can say the days I don't, I make myself think of all the ways he blesses my life!
5. Surround yourself with like minded individuals. We have been focusing on this a lot lately and it has made such a positive impact in our marriage!
4. Forgive. Jeff is pretty much an expert at this. Grace, grace, grace and more grace.
3. Pray with and for each other. Every day.
2. Make God and your relationship with Him the focus of all you do. That, makes all the difference.
1. Finally, luck has nothing to do with it. Marriage, 13 years in looks like a lot of work, plenty of devotion, laughing everyday and plenty of grace thrown in for good measure.
I love you Jeff!

Grateful

I am overwhelmed tonight by my gratefulness. There are so many reasons that I am feeling grateful. I feel like for the first time in a long time that I have a handle on this little life of mine. I feel like my faith and relationship are where they need to be for the first time in forever. Changes I have made have stuck. Amen! Bad habits are being broken and remain broken. Broken relationships are being repaired where there needs to be healing and some breaks I am learning are best left alone.
Spring is coming..maybe this weekend? ! A new season and I am embracing it. I feel hopeful for the first time in a few years. I am realizing how much I was living for myself and not in the way my faith and my God have intended. I never want to go back to that kind of living. Uggh, I realize now how horrible it was. Life will never be perfect. Life is hard. In fact my heart breaks for all the suffering I see and the help I try my best to offer in my personal and work life. But, I have hope that if I stay on this path, those who need me, will get the best of me. I like the best of me. It feels so much better. I am grateful for the friends who have stuck with me and pray for me and with me. After all, hanging in there with me is no small feat. I am grateful for my husband whose love has never wavered in the thirteen years we've been married. Even when I have been quite unlovable. I am grateful for my kids who are always accepting of my apologies when I lose my crap over making toast(true story). I am grateful for my sister who always has wisdom and humor for me. I am grateful for our small group. Coming together every other week has much to do with the success I have had with getting myself and my faith back! I am grateful for my job that reminds every single day that this life is so precious and we never know what tomorrow will bring. Grateful, yes, that is me.

2016...and 11 years of NOT keeping resolutions.

The holidays are nearly over. I am sad. I have really enjoyed this holiday season. Even with the mild, non-Christmasey weather that seemed to keep many people's Christmas spirit away, I loved almost every minute. The decor, the twinkling lights, the time with family, the magic of Christmas morning, our traditions. We went to my sister's house on the 23rd and Matthew and I joined my parents and Jenn's (my sister)family at Christmas Eve mass. I love mass..I am pretty sure I am a closeted Catholic! When were sitting there waiting, because my sister is a good, regular attending Catholic and we arrived nearly ONE HOUR ahead of time, my mom was lamenting about those we know that have lost loved ones this year. My mom made the statement, " I am sure so and so had no idea that last Christmas was the final one they would spend with their loved one. We should all remember that!" I smiled and said, "Oh, mom! Please! I am a palliative care social worker!, I think about that all the time!:  And even before that, every Christmas since I was about 11 I have thought, "Who won't be here next Christmas?" Morbid? Yes! But, that's how this girl has always rolled and really I think it is what draws me to my career. I think about things like how death will forever alter celebrating things like Christmas all the time and I always have. I think at some points in my life, this morbid take on life and death has been detrimental. But, as I get older, I think that I have learned to really respect the fragile state that is this life. Everything you know to be your reality can literally change in a moment. I know that it is unlikely that that will be my reality or yours but I want to savor all this life has to offer me. I want to enjoy my kids and my Christmases before the bitterness of losing a loved one taints it for a year or years. I want to rejoice and praise the years we've had good health and good fortune. I want to strive to have New Year's resolutions that will ensure that the next Christmas I will be just a merry. I want to work on my faith and relationship with Christ so that when life and death happens, I can go on. I can learn to love and celebrate again..not merely exist.
There are so many things I hate about how I live this life. I am disappointed in so many of the ways I am choosing to live my life. If the world really knew the mistakes I have made in the past five years I am sure they would be pretty disgusted. Alas, I can't change any of it. It is who I am. That is the progress I have made. To own ME. I am flawed and messed up. I will try and try again to redeem myself but I will always fall short. That can be somewhat discouraging as I face another year. Part of me is thinking.."Please, woman, you will do what you have always done. Don't even try." But, then there is the part of me that seeks something better, something holier. That part says.."God can redeem anything, any PART, any UGLINESS. Come clean." And so, I am. I believe in that part, in that power.
I have had this blog for eleven years. So THERE! I can stick with something. I can make good choices. It's just hard for me. I struggle. Forty years of living has taught me that nearly all of us do in some way! I have many resolutions for this year but above them all is to COME CLEAN. To own my ugliness, ask for help, pray for mercy, seek holiness, surround myself with goodness. 2016..I am coming for you!

Messy messes

Ellie had a "family" stocking project. Get ready for some brutal honesty but when I saw that damn stocking come home in her folder with the instructions.."Do not use markers, crayons, or pencils" "Be creative use twigs, ribbon, buttons, etc" I thought to myself.."What the HELL?!" I can barely get our arses to school each morning in clean clothes, with our homework done, lunches packed! And now I have to come up with the time and materials for a "winning stocking." Ellie nagged me for over a week about the stocking. "Mommy!" she pleaded.."We have to do the stocking! Everyone else did their stocking!" I was shamed by the stocking! So, yesterday, I sent Caroline to the neighbors for glue, because of course we didn't have any to start in our stocking.  By the way, back in September I designated a drawer for school/art supplies and the Simpson kids have blown that to hell. Anyways, Caroline, Ellie and I sat down and embarked on decorating the dang stocking yesterday. I looked in the pantry and found raisins, sprinkles, candy canes and a glitter pen. Perfect! I thought. We were hard at work and when we finished, I proudly surveyed our masterpiece and thought. YES! That is worthy of the other kid's stockings. Mrs Rumora, Ellie's first grade teacher, might think I am delinquent but boy, this stocking was worth the wait!! Fast forward to this morning when Ellie ran to its "safe, drying spot" and found a runny, NOT dried, raisins were too heavy, this stocking which was glorious last evening, now SUCKS!" Ellie looked at me with dismay in her eyes and said..."Mommy, this is a mess!" Jeff looked at me silently, with judging eyes that screamed.."What the hell were you thinking with the raisins and green, sugar sprinkles that seemingly melted into the glue making a BIG, GREEN, MESS?" How did I react? I got creative! I would not be dismayed by our stocking mess! I quickly devised a plan. Get a Harding's bag sweet girl, we will put in there to continue to dry and tomorrow, I am sure, Mrs. Rumora will be able to hang it! She was fine with it, Jeff humored me and I haven't heard anything from Ellie's sainted teacher so I am assuming our messy stocking will find its place in the first grade hallway!
I have been thinking a lot lately about Christmas and the gift we all received all those years ago in the manger. Jesus came amidst the mess and was born in a messy, stinky stable to redeem us. He can make good of any mess we've created. He sees our well intended stocking plans and wants to help us right our wrongs. What a gift! Every year I find myself in awe of the God I am so privileged to serve. I can never make too many messes for Him. It has taken me the good part of forty years to process that truth. Christ will always seek me. He wants all of me and you, even the messy parts! Amen! I can't think of happier reason to celebrate Christmas than that! Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a less messy New Year!

Thankful Top Ten 2015

My annual list of things I am thankful. In the 10 years I have been writing this blog, these thankful posts are some of my favorite to look back on! I hope you have a wonderful day of eating lots of yummy foods, relaxing and appreciating all the good things in your life!

10. NETFLIX..seriously brings me such comfort. I love having a multitude of shows at my disposal! Especially on the days where I am feeling blue or anxious.  A few favorite episodes of Gilmore Girls or Mad Men allow me to escape my real world to Stars Hollow or to feel like my life is far better than Don Draper's!
9. Coffee..it gets me going and keeps me at it when my body is all..I can't even.
8. My home..sure, there are about a million things I wish I could change or update but this home has been so good to us. We are making memories here. Within these walls, for better or worse, life happens to the Simpsons on Carnoustie Street!
7. My car, this one is hard because I really do hate it. But, I also love not having a car payment. Our van's days are numbered and I am trying hard to love her till the end! Sure, she's a little tattered, her doors don't open automatically anymore, her rust is abundant. But, she gets us to all the places we need to go!
6. Friendships..I have realized throughout this year, that I have so many good girlfriends who I can count on!
5. My kids..they can sure be spicy but they have lots of sweetness too. Appreciating them for who they are, that is my new focus.
4. Jeff. I love this man so much and am loved unconditionally by him. Thankful, thankful, thankful.
3. Marriage. I feel like I spent much of the past few years taking my marriage for granted. I am so thankful that I "woke up" and realized that marriage is a blessing and needs daily work and love to make it through. I love having a partner to help me navigate this crazy world.
2. Health. Working with people who are dying makes me aware everyday that tomorrow is never guaranteed and that everything you thought you knew can change in a moment. Live life to the fullest, everyday.
1. Faith...Jesus. I have realized this year that I am serve a God who will relentlessly pursue me. He has, through it all, every stupid mistake, every bad decision, every day I have chosen to do what I wanted to do,even though I knew it was the wrong path, continued to pursue me. It makes me sad to think of my God, sitting there thinking, "Oh, sweet girl, please stop this insanity." I am thankful for a church, small group and Christian friends who I am able to confide in with my struggles and say.."Help!"
 HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

LPS

The kids got their report cards this week. I will admit, I get a wee bit nervous when I know they are coming. I pretty much know how they are doing based on the papers that are sent home every week. I know that Matthew hates math but is a whiz a reading. I know Caroline is a whiz at just about everything but usually rushes through to make sure she is the FIRST ONE DONE and therefore makes careless mistakes. I know Ellie continues to struggle with reading but tries her darndest and is also a whiz at math! I assume my kids are above average to average in behavior because I have yet to hear from the principal :) But still, I worry...because that is what I do. My kids are also anxious to find out how they are measuring up. They scan those cards for their scores. In our school the kids are graded with the measurements of three standards, LPS(limited progression towards standards)
PS( progressing toward standards) and MS (Meets Standard). Matthew wants all MS's but to be honest, he is fine with a PS or two. Caroline is very dismayed if she gets anything other than all MS's. And Ellie, she's pretty much clueless about this grading business and just carries on with her bright, happy, determined attitude. The Simpson kids have some LS's on their cards this semester. At first I was irritated when I saw it. To be honest, I felt it reflected poorly on me as a parent. It's as if the LS is saying.."Yes, Jeff and Susan Simpson, your child is sucking at this and really, it is ALL YOUR FAULT." But, as I gave myself sometime to process it and think about the areas where my child is still limited in their progression, I found that limited progress is still progress as long as you're still moving towards meeting whatever standards are set before you. Ellie may have a received a LS in one aspect of reading but girlfriend is rocking out other areas! In this day and age of the tremendous pressure to always be above average at absolutely everything you do, it can be very tempting to feel overwhelmed by all of the ways in which you just don't measure up. Whether that be in math, reading or we can carry that over into our adult lives where impossible standards can drive a mommy bonkers! I can't do it all, I can't be it all. What I have learned in my forty plus years of living and holding myself to impossible standards is that you miss so many opportunities when the standards you are trying to obtain are not worthy of your time and energy.
Now, don't get me wrong, I recognize that my children need to learn that you do need to strive to meet the highest standard possible. I want Ellie to be good a reading so she can experience the joy of getting lost in the story of a great book! I want Caroline to learn that being first is not everything and being mindful will serve her well in so many things other than academics. I want Matthew to feel good about himself despite the struggles he faces daily due to his cerebral palsy.
I want Jeff and I to make choices for ourselves and our family that help encourage behaviors that lend themselves to the kids being successful students. Reading time that is relaxed, family game nights, less screen time, less yelling, less busyness. There are many areas where the Simpsons would certainly score a limited progress towards standards! But, there are many areas where we are certainly PROGRESSING. Regular church attendance, regular volunteering at church, small group and book clubs with friends who share our same values. Filling our times with things that are good and help us progress not limit us in being all we are meant to be! That can be hard as old habits die so very hard. (Especially if you are Mommy Simpson). But, one of the most important lessons I want my children to remember from their childhood is that you will always be loved, no matter how you measure up against the standards our family has set forth. We can't always meet expectations. We screw up. We believe in grace and forgiveness and always in the power of tomorrow being an opportunity to turn it all around.