10 is heaven..

I am always very honest with anyone who will listen to me whine about how I have struggled with parenting. Even as the time when my kids were babies and toddlers becomes years ago, I still sometimes cringe at the angst those years brought me. Diapers, colic, a crazy little boy that didn't like to talk but liked to run from mom, three kids under the age of four, everyone having the pukes at the same time, and the list goes on and on. Sure there are happy memories from those days but if I am being honest, I am not removed enough from the tough stages to look back idealistically to that season.  Plus, I still have a five year old so I have plenty of temper tantrums to deal with too!
But, I can't help but get excited as Matthew nears ten, at what lies ahead for me in parenting. Matthew and I, we get each other. We have great talks, he is becoming such a little man and it is much easier for me to deal with ten year old issues than it was when he was two and three. My patience is certainly able to hang in there for ten year old mischief than that of my five year old. We've begun to have discussions about drinking and life issues that will all too soon come our boy's way. Matthew is thoughtful and realistic about how he would approach peer pressure, bullying, feeling left out, and other third grade boy issues. It gives me such hope that one day I will be able to better relate with all of my children and not feel that I am miserably failing them.
I have really been struggling with parenting lately. The girls fight and sometimes it seems that they fight 100% of the time they are awake. It is draining to say the least. Add in their feisty temperaments and ability to wear mom and dad down to beyond exhausted and you have a recipe for a pretty miserable household some days. I said to Jeff the other night, "How can I be a social worker and suck so bad at this parenting crap?" and I think I added.." I am so over this shit."  Jeff, being the voice of calm and reason and optimism said something like, "It will get better." Then I freaked out and said.."YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR 8 YEARS!!" But, after sometime alone I thought about Matthew and how it doesn't always seems so overwhelming anymore with him. Sure, his temperament differs from the girl's but he has his moments too. I am hopeful as everyone gets older and hopefully wiser year to year that this mom might finally find her parenting groove ten years in. I have to hope for that because some days the struggle is all too real. It has impacted me in so many ways. It's shaped how I view myself, my friendships, my marriage, myself as a professional.  Lately it has made me want to just withdraw from everyone but our little family unit because I am sick of feeling judged with how the kids act or how I handle it. I just want to be able to BE. I know everyone means well and has their own approaches for parenting, ahem, my mom, but sometimes you don't really care what anyone else thinks because all you are hearing is.."Since you apparently suck so bad at this, let me offer some friendly advice.: I know I suck at this. At least I own it and I haven't given up yet! After all, one day everyone in this house will turn ten!

Three words

Again and again in these first weeks of the new year I am being bombarded it seems with blog posts from those I follow about choosing some key words to guide you in the new year. At first I will admit I thought it was foolish. What can a word do? How much power does choosing three words give my life? But, the more I thought about it, and really the more I kept reading, it began to make sense. Meditating on these words, focusing, orienting myself, that all sounds like it couldn't do any harm and heck it could prove to bring some good changes to my life. So, I have decided to pick three. My words of focus for my life, my family, my career, my world, for 2015 will be..
1. INTENTIONAL. I am going to try to be intentional with how I spend my time. Transitioning to working full time will make this one tricky at first. But, what better goal than to make every moment count. I think this will also serve me well when it comes to what I put in my mouth! Am I really hungry? What am I hungry for? Do I really want to read this or watch that? Who do I want to spend my time with? What do I want to worry about? I also would like to be more intentional with my relationship with God. Praying intentionally. Worshiping intentionally.
2. LOVING. I want to be more loving with my family. I love them with all that I am. But, I am the first to admit that my lack of sleep and temperament as a parent makes expressing it hard. I want to fill these kids up with love while I am lucky to have them under my roof! I can hardly believe Matthew will soon be ten. It has made me realize that although it seems like time is slowly ticking away, it really goes by so very fast.  I don't want to spend the time I have wishing it away! I want to be more loving with Jeff. I am such a lucky girl when it comes to how patient and helpful my husband is. More date nights,even if it means snuggling up on the couch and watching a movie together, more hand holding, more saying, thank you and I love you. I also want to love on those in my community who struggle. More donating, more figuring out ways that we can love on those who are in desperate need of feeling loved.
3. FUN. I feel so grouchy so much of the time. I want to chill out in 2015. Seize the day! Be in the moment. Stop complaining. Stop WRITING about changing and ACTUALLY CHANGE! This will be hard for me because there are many times that I make a mountain out of a mole hill. Thankfully, Jeff is an excellent teacher in the art of chilling out. I think it is the trait that most compliments me and makes us "work" well as a couple.
How about you? Do you have a word or two? Are there changes you want to make? Join me! 

New Year, New Job

A few days ago I accepted a new position at the hospital I work at as the palliative care social worker. As of February 9th I will no longer work in the ER. I will no longer work overnights or every other weekend. Part of me is so completely ECSTATIC about this! I have really struggled with working nights. I am not someone who can just fall asleep anywhere, anytime. In fact, even with many medications on board, my body is all like."time to get up" four hours in, even if I am dog tired. This makes for one grouchy me. This does not contribute towards happy mothering and spousing (new word). Jeff has being saying for awhile that maybe I should look into finding a day job. The hard part was I LOVE my job. I have never adored a job more. I love the people I work with. Even on the incredibly hard and sad days, I have felt so grateful for this job. I have learned more in two years working as an ER social worker than I ever thought imaginable. If I didn't have a family, I think Jeff could deal with grouchy Susie a little bit longer. I have had many thoughts of "what if" the last few months as I contemplated bidding on and eventually accepting this offer. What if I would have followed my original plan and went to graduate school back when I was 24? What if I would have figured out how much I loved medical social work back when I was unattached, no husband, no kids? What if I can just keep on doing this and will it really do damage to my kids to have the world's grouchiest mom? Then, as is par for course for me, I had a "come to Jesus" talk with myself. It basically went something like this, "The ship has sailed on the past sister. You didn't do any of those things, you chose this path. And, yes, your kids and your marriage will suffer if you keep screaming at them because you are dog tired all the time". Part of me was annoyed that I was having to consider my family. I know that sounds harsh and selfish but it was part of the process. But, then I realized how maybe I should look at this path as a blessing, not a curse. Who knows if I would have liked medical social work back in 2000? Maybe all the lessons I have learned from living life the past 14 years brought me to this very moment. Maybe I will love palliative care social work and be joyfully passionate about it? I am hopeful this will be the case. I bid on the job because if I wasn't doing ER social work, palliative care equally appeals to me.
I can hardly wait to rejoin the living. I can't wait to have every weekend to watch Matthew play hockey, Caroline play soccer, Ellie do something eventually! I can't wait to always sleep when it is dark out. Still, when I think of leaving this place where I have worked the last 20 months, tears literally come to my eyes. The people I have met through this job have blessed me beyond measure. From my first day of FAINTING and getting a concussion and stitches, they have made me feel like a part of a family. It is likely I will never experience that close of a comradery again. Instead of letting this depress me, I am grateful that I have had such a wonderful almost two years. I am grateful. I hope to take the wonderful lessons I have learned as an ER social worker and bring them along with me as I transition to the palliative role. I know there will be challenges and it will take awhile to get in the groove. I'm game. If the ER taught me anything, it may just be that I can do hard things.
I don't start my new gig until February 9th. I plan on using my free time during the next month to get my crap together because I will be working full time in the new role. I know it will take some adjusting to not having any free week days to get those pesky errands and chores done. We will all have to find our new normal. There will certainly be some growing pains. But, in the end, I think this decision is the best for me and for my family. Here's hoping for continued good things for the Simpsons in 2015!

Obligatory New Year's post

Well, it is 2015. As I laid in bed ALL DAY yesterday, I periodically would check in on FB and see many of my friend's posts about what a good, bad, or in between year 2014 had been for themselves and their families. I always get a little blue on New Year's Day. The anticipation and fun of Christmas is over. While there is something to be said for anticipating a new year, the first few weeks seem like a lot of work (getting all the Christmas stuff put away, getting the house in order, getting back into our sports/school routines).
There were lots of wonderful things about 2014, but there are certainly things that I am glad to leave behind. I hope in 2015 to incorporate an attitude of gratitude. I am very much a person who always is considering what I don't have. If only I had this or that than everything else would fall into place. What good does that do? This morning I posted a quote on FB that really speaks to how I am feeling about this all.

"No one longs for what he or she already has, and yet the accumulated insight of those wise about the spiritual life suggests that the reason so many of us cannot see the red X that marks the spot is because we are standing on it. The treasure we seek requires no lengthy expedition, no expensive equipment, no superior aptitude or special company. All we lack is the willingness to imagine that we already have everything we need. The only thing missing is our consent to be where we are."
~Barbara Brown Taylor, An Altar in the World

I have long been a fan of the blog by Glennon Melton's, "Momastery". Glennon has so many terrific insights into living the life you have been given. Lately she has been re-posting blog posts that were most popular. One of her best posts, in my opinion, is her post about the truths and lies we believe about marriage. While much of what she writes about applies to the struggles that occur within a marriage, a lot of it speaks to the struggle some of us have to accept who we really have become. The person I was at 25 is not at all near the person I have become at nearly 40. I realized in 2014 that much of my struggles are directly related to wishing I was more like the person I imagined I would be. I feel like a failure in so many ways. I just recently accepted that this longing to be a person I never will be is destroying me in so many ways. Embracing who I have become, shortcomings and all, is what I intend to do in 2015. Continuing to work on myself, my marriage, my parenting, my friendships, just as I am. I am not saying that I am "throwing in the towel" on the many areas in which I could use improvement, no. I simply desire to stop wanting to be someone I am not.

We have so much to look forward to in 2015. A trip to Florida in March, the kids first plane ride, a family wedding in New York in May, my 40th birthday, and I am sure many more memories that will make 2015 terrific. I am hopeful that a year from now I can not only write about all the fun we had in 2015 but also that I was able to become more comfortable in my own skin in 2015. That I embrace who I am at 39/40 and leave my 25 year old self back where she belongs, in the past!
Happy New Year, friends. 

Christmas Challenge

Today I was returning an item at Costco. I was standing at the return counter waiting, patiently I might add, when this horribly bossy, loud, rude woman came up to the counter, bypassing the waiting people in line, to literally scream about how "THIS COSTCO IS THE ONLY ONE THAT DOESN'T HAVE A COFFEE GRINDER!! "She was losing her sh$% about coffee beans being ground. Really? Is this what's become of us? Losing it over coffee beans?
Maybe it's the work I do, but I am becoming less and less tolerant of the "coffee bean" situations in the world.  I realize that there may certainly be extenuating circumstances which made this woman lose it over coffee. Maybe she had a crap day, week, year? But this situation made me think of the people who truly are suffering through the holidays. I think of the people I have worked with that have lost loved ones in car accidents, to cancer, to strokes. I think of moms and dads who I have helped say goodbye to their babies and kids in the ER and truth be told, it haunts me. Every time I look at my Christmas tree I am reminded of so many memories I have made with my children, my husband, my family. Maybe my job has taken some of the fun out of the holidays because I literally think, "Goodness, one day some of these ornaments will be very painful to look at." I realize this isn't necessarily normal or healthy and probably speaks to some unresolved secondary trauma I am dealing with. But, what it has inspired me to do is to make the holidays brighter for those that are hurting. I am making a list of five things to do that might bring some HOPE and CHEER back into the lives of those who can't wait for this month to be over. For the people who ache at the thought of a Christmas morning because the absence of their loved ones will be so very palpable. Here's my plan..before Christmas I will..

1. Buy coffee for someone at line behind me and throw in a five dollar gift card for the next cup at Dunkin Donuts.
2. Make a batch of Christmas molasses cookies and mysteriously drop them off at a neighbor's house.
3. Make dinner for a family that could use a night off from worrying, "What's for dinner?"
4. Send my friend who lost a child a special ornament that will let her know we remember her sweet girl.
5. Buy gloves and hats with the kids and take them to the mission. My kids are old enough to know how very blessed they are to never know what it is like to escape cold and not know where you are sleeping.
So, blog readers, how about you? What can you do? Maybe it isn't five things, but it certainly can be one thing. I challenge you to seek you heart, seek your community and bring some HOPEFULNESS back to someone who may very well feel that Christmas may never be merry again! 

Happy 10 years blog!

My blog is ten years old this week! I don't think I have been this consistent with something, well, umm, ever. Consistency is not something I excel at usually. I am so glad that I have continued to write here in this space. This week I have spent a lot of time reading over the last ten years of posts. Wow. The biggest blessing in having this blog is many of the things I thought at the time I would never forget or would never endure have long left my memory. One of the most difficult parts of having three kids close in age is that when they were very small we were just trying to hang on from day to day. Sometimes I feel like I blocked a lot of those days out because if truth be told, it was hard, really hard. Parenting continues to be the hardest job I have ever had. I often feel that I am not the mom my kids deserve. But, then as I read back over even the smallest victories, I feel a little better about who we are as a family and who I am as a mother.
Many of my posts chronicle my walk with my faith. The times where I have felt very close to God and times where I couldn't be farther from him. It encourages me to know however, that I have never given up. I continue to seek and believe and trust in Him.
Weight loss and dieting and attempts at living a healthier life style are also a frequent theme here. Oh, how I wish this was not such a struggle.  I wish I could say that I feel like I am balanced in all things and moderation is my motto. Nope,  never has been, but I will continue to try.
My transition from being a full time stay at home mom, to a full time student, to a third shift ER social worker have been journaled here. Those posts serve to remind me that indeed I am consistent and I did achieve a pretty difficult goal. That is one take a way I have realized throughout this journey, when I do set my mind on something, I will get it.
Love and marriage and the joys and difficulties of being in relationship with someone for over 20 years also have been written about here. I love my husband. Marriage is harder than I ever imagined it to be. I am grateful for the foundation of faith in our marriage because honestly, if we didn't have that, I am not sure how we'd get through these years where parenting and the stress of just trying to get by wouldn't threaten to make one of us throw in the towel. The other night we were snuggled up on the couch watching a movie and I looked up at Jeff and said, "I used to dream about this when I was imagining our life together, just doing something ordinary like enjoying a Christmas movie in our home together." In typical Jeff fashion he just looked at me like I was a little bit loopy, but he kissed my head and said "Me too". See, 12 years in and he knows when to throw his wife a nostalgic bone:)
I am most grateful for all the posts that chronicle specific things the kids have said and done. Stages, phases, firsts and lasts. It is all here for them to read one day. I hope when they read over these entries they will know how much they were loved and cherished. That their mom and did the best they could and were always trying to be the best mom and dad they could be!
Happy Birthday Blog! Thanks to anyone who reads here and especially for those of you who have encouraged me to keep writing or have told me you appreciate something I have written here. It is nice to know that other people can relate or take something away from this space!

Advent..a season of preparing.

This year I am determined to integrate more of the real spirit and meaning behind Christmas for our family. The kids are at ages (9,8 and 5) where they can participate in more meaningful conversations about the true reason we celebrate Christmas, the birth of Christ. I went to a Catholic church this past Sunday. I arrived about fifteen minutes before mass began. As I sat there praying, I felt my mind was cluttered and unable to focus on preparing my heart for church. I finally decided to mediate on one word, I chose, peace. I repeated that over and over and slowly felt my mind settling down and my prayers soon followed. The priest spoke during the homily about how Advent is about preparing ourselves for the second coming of Christ. He likened it to as the Bible says, "Christ will come again like a thief in the night." Upon first hearing this, my reaction was, "That doesn't sound fun." As I thought more about it, I considered the analogy for more than what it first appears. It won't be fun if Christ comes and I am not prepared, if my family is not prepared. If our hearts are not right with the Lord. If we are prepared I feel that it will seem more like a surprise visit from a long, lost friend. The kind where you wrap your arms around them and hug tightly thinking, "Oh, how I have missed you! I am so glad to see you!" but about a million times sweeter!
I purchased Ann Voskamp's family Advent devotional book for our family to read each night this month. It is a beautifully written book and I highly recommend it. 

 This year I want to instill in my children's hearts that God gave us the best gift we could ever receive, His son. That tiny baby, who came to make things right and offer all of us the greatest gift of everlasting life and peace.

Thankful 2014

I can hardly believe Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away! Last night Kalamazoo received its first measurable snow. I am NOT thankful for the snow, but I am thankful for how beautiful it makes everything look. I think most of us Michiganders are forever traumatized by last year's brutal winter that was followed by an unseasonably cool spring and summer. NOT COOL mother nature! I have had some tough days recently. Work has been full of very difficult suffering for so many patients. Unfortunately a tragedy hit close to home at work and in my "real life" when friends of ours from our old church lost their only daughter in a car accident last weekend. One of the things that is most difficult about being an ER social worker is having to "keep it together" when your body and soul is hurting for what you are witnessing. It has been a hard week as my instinct to "keep it together" has over taken my ability to have a good cry and feel sad for my friend's loss. I am trying to do all the things I know a good social worker does to process the grief I have seen and felt myself this week. However, solace is hard to come by right now. Maybe, just maybe, listing all my blessings and wonderful things I am thankful for will be just what my weary soul needs to find its way to a happier space.

10. The way Ellie says, "I agot" instead of " I forgot" and her imagination. Watching her pretend to be a mom, teacher, teenager, brings me such joy and cracks me up!
9. Caroline's intelligence. Our girl has come such a long way from when I wrote of her struggles in late summer. She is loving school and such a smart little whipper snapper. We just had conferences and her teacher, who is such a blessing to Caroline, had so many positive things to say about her.
8. Matthew's maturity. He is becoming such a little man. We have had so many great, thoughtful conversations in recent months. Never, in a million years, would I have ever thought my naughty, drive me crazy four, five, six year would transition into such a treasure
7. My job. Sure, it has many difficult aspects. But, I am beyond blessed to have the privilege to serve individuals in some of their darkest hours.
6. My co workers. I work with an exceptional team of social workers, nurses, physicians, PCA's, clerks,etc. I have made some amazing friends through my job and can't imagine my life without my ER and Bronson people!
5. My friends. I have some great ones. From life long, college and neighbors that feel like family.
4. Faith. Still searching but through it all, I know He is there. I am so grateful for my belief in Christ and the peace that brings to my life.
3. Our home. Still want new carpet, kitchen, more bedrooms and the list goes on and on.We have become a family in this home. We have so many wonderful memories here and are blessed to have a safe place to rest our weary bones each night (or day:)
2. Jeff. Oh, how I love that man. I realized this year that I was foolishly taking him for granted. God has blessed me beyond measure with my husband. I can't imagine navigating life without his guidance, love and support.
1. My health. I finally committed to getting in shape and losing weight, again! I am proud to say I am much thinner than I was last Thanksgiving. I feel great and certainly realize how fleeting good health can be.
Wherever you are, whatever you do, I hope you are able to think of ten things that YOU are THANKFUL for. Find joy in those small moments. Be grateful everyday. Happy Thanksgiving,friends!

Known

Jeff and I will be married twelve years in April. I have known him since I was 20. I can hardly wrap my mind around the fact that I have known him for twenty years. That just seems crazy. We had a horrible night a few nights ago. The kids were being shits. Sorry. but they were. They wouldn't go to bed, they were whining, it was eleven at night and I was over it. Over being a mom, over being a wife, pretty much over being a human. We both lost our tempers and I basically said, "This is not what I signed up for!" and something to the tune of "This sucks". (The tune had some more colorful words). I went up to bed, and like many nights, due to my third shift schedule, awoke at two in the morning and after tossing and turning, went down to the couch and the television. The movie, "Before Sunrise" was on. I loved that movie back in college. I swooned for Ethan Hawke and all his grunge. I wanted to meet a cute boy on a train in France and fall in love back in 1997. Instead, I met a boy from Kalamazoo in a disgusting house in East Lansing and spent many years attempting to  "convince" him that I was the one. Eventually he did discover that I was more than a friend, that he was ready for a girlfriend, that he wanted to make a life with me. The greatest gift from all those "pining" years for me, is that Jeff and I became good friends. We knew each other. We were there for each other through some difficult times. When we started dating it was almost a given that we were serious about each other and we both knew we'd eventually marry and start a family. Life twelve years later is in no way anything what I expected it to be. I thought I would love being a stay a home mom, I could not imagine wanting a career outside of "mom and wife".  I really couldn't imagine experiencing any discontent. Oh, how naive and well, I will just say it, stupid I was. People change, circumstances change, life happens. But, through it all, I will say that even on the toughest days of parenting, marriage, and hell, sometimes even existing, I love that my husband knows me better than anyone in this world. He gets me. He knows things about me that I can't and won't admit. We talk about everything, even the ugly and raw parts of our personalities.Even knowing the ugly parts, he loves me still. What a gift, what a blessing. Sometimes I find myself longing for the "Before Sunrise" moments in a relationship.  The excitement of a new relationship, discovering things about someone you don't know. But, I realize that really that comes from wanting to escape, even momentarily from the sometimes mundane parts of our life. The cleaning the house, doing the laundry, making the beds, the homework, carpooling to soccer/hockey. This season of our lives can seem like it is all about everyone but us. But, at the end of the day, when I contemplate it all, it comes back to the boy that I fell so hard for back in 1997. That boy knows me and he loves me. He puts up with a lot of crap. He had given me three beautiful children and a blessed life. He knows me. I am so grateful to be truly known and loved still.

Church woes

Church. Struggling. Is that enough of a post? That seems to sum up how I am feeling about it lately. And when I say lately, I mean the past two years. I blame myself for much of my angst, as I feel my sporadic church attendance does nothing to help my conflicted feelings. I can't help but think when I am listening to sermons, "Is this what Jesus wants me to focus on?" I packed up the kids last Sunday and headed to church. Full disclosure insists I must admit it was mostly because Jeff had an all day hockey commitment and they were driving me nuts. The idea of having an hour break and meeting God seemed like a win win. But, as I sat there, listening to a sermon that I didn't really agree with, I thought, "What is going on?" It also happened to be communion. As I sat waiting for the my little cup of grape juice and bread, I thought about my Episcopalian roots. I miss weekly communion. I think there is healing and transformation that comes with partaking in the weekly sacrament of communion. Confessing my sins before partaking in the body and blood of Christ. It has always bothered me that the churches Jeff and I have gone to over the last thirteen years do not have weekly communion.I left church feeling more restless than ever.
The girls go to the Wednesday night programming at our church. They have a a family style pizza dinner available before hand. Last night, I sat with the girls and some "important" people in the church. I had the opportunity to observe their conversation about their opinions on people who don't go to our church. I said nothing. I simply listened and honestly, I couldn't have been more dismayed. There was a man also sitting at the table, who I did have a conversation with who once he found out I was a social worker at Bronson, disclosed that he used to a be a "regular".  He went on to say that he has struggled with substance abuse for some years but had recently found sobriety and God. We had a brief conversation but I made sure to praise him for coming this far with his substance abuse struggles. I know all too well from my work how hard it is to find your way out of the hallway of the Bronson ER. As the "religious people" discussed things around us, I couldn't help but find myself watch this man. He seemed uncomfortable with the words he was hearing. Maybe I am being too critical but I felt like much of what was going on at the table seemed very judgmental. Redemption can happen to anyone, anywhere. God can meet his people wherever he wants. It might happen at our church, it could happen at a Catholic church, a college dorm, a hospital hallway. If I had said something I think it would have been, "I wonder if God cares about the particulars?" I feel, more than ever, that God wants us to meet people where they are at. God wants us to help the least of these, the "hallway people". I think God wants us to meet with him weekly but I am not convinced he cares where it is. I realize I am contradicting myself in many ways as I spoke of my longing for a more traditional church experience earlier in this post. The longing for tradition but also identifying with the values of a particular faith. I guess that's where I am at. Conflicted. I have been making time daily to pray for my faith, my family, my marriage. Prayer always brings me closer to God and reconciliation. I am not sure where to go from here? I am hesitant to make a big change because my children do love our church and their programming. In many ways I feel that trumps my struggles. Where do I go from here? I am not sure. But, certainly seeking God daily can't hurt anything.

Money language..

Anyone who follows me on Facebook knows that Jeff 's money minded nature can't help but find its way into our married life. He is always harping on me about how much money I have spent. He jokes that I was raised with no concept of how money works. I am not sure that is true or fair ,but Jeff and I definitely have different approaches to handling money, and the budget. I am a "seize the day, you only live once, let's just do it and think about the consequences later". Jeff is  of the " we have this much money, don't spend more." and the "you do only live once and but one day we want to retire, right?" This difference in how we handle money is a source of comedy in our marriage ,but it is also the underlying cause for strife. Jeff feels heard and loved when I attempt to manage our money and spend according to the guidelines we've decided on together. I think many people think he dictates to me what I can and can't spend. That is not the truth. We have gone through how much we spend on average on things like groceries, entertainment. etc. However,  I tend to forget this when I have reached the end of the month and I want to spend money on say..going on with some girlfriends for a drink:)
Last night we had a good talk about the things I need to feel heard and loved. As I rambled off the list of things that Jeff doesn't do, I couldn't help but examine the things I do not do. When I spend without thinking of the ramifications it will have on our budget, it is saying to someone like Jeff that I don't care. Sometimes we get nit picky about the things we aren't feeling from one another. Why can't he call me to just say hi, why are all his calls about "What did you spend $22.30 at Target for?" He probably thinks, "Why did you spend money at Target when we just talked about not spending money last night?" I have made a renewed commitment to Jeff, and our marriage, to focus on things that are important to him. To show him I respect his wisdom and decision making in this area of our lives. He is far wiser and I wouldn't want that responsibility. I respect the fact that Jeff carries a significant amount of the burden when it comes to worrying about our financial stability. This is what the man does for a living. In fact, it is one of the characteristics that I love about my husband. I love that he is great at math and numbers. God knew what he was doing when he hooked this math and budget challenged girl up with an accountant.
Twelve years into our marriage, we are still figuring out how to navigate this area of our lives. I found an inventory that was given to each of us during our pre-marital counseling. It asked each of us where we were struggle with one another. Our answers are so interesting and somewhat humorous to me, because twelve years later, the are EXACTLY the same. At the end of the day, despite how frustrating marriage can be, it is far more of a blessing. I am lucky to have a man like Jeff as a partner. He is kind, he is generous, he is smart, he is wise. Ironically, Jeff just called and said this past month was one of the best for us as far as staying in budget..maybe there is hope for us, ahem..me, yet:)

Old habits die hard..

I am still on my diet. I am still losing weight. In fact, I am nearly to my lowest post surgery weight. Go me! But, I am continuing to realize what a mental game this weight loss crap is and really life changes in general. I am the queen of thinking I have mastered or conquered something in my life that is a stumbling block and then, in what seems like moments ,I have reverted back to the behavior that got me into the mess in the first place. Take for example what I have been referring to a the "peanut butter sandwich incident". Last weekend I worked. I love, love, love my job but working weekends is tough on my soul, my resolve, my body. I feel that all I do is work and sleep and try and cram some sustenance in. I am just trying to keep my head above water most weekends. Last weekend I did not do my usual prep for the diet. No veggies were sliced, no cabbage/meat stew (my favorite meal on this diet) was prepared, no chicken sausage in the fridge. What was there was a big ol' package of white bread and a Sam's club size container of JIF. What happened next was I awoke on Saturday, a mere two hours after a laid my weary head down, starving and before I knew it I was MAKING A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH ON WHITE BREAD! I took two bites and then was overcome with such a sense of  WHAT THE WHAT are you DOING?! I threw it away and took the two extra minutes it required to make one of my package ideal protein foods. I went back to bed, somewhat satisfied and definitely laughing at what a diet and really, life dork I am. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am the kind of person that, every.single.day. has to decide to do the right thing. I want the easy way out. I don't naturally want to work at anything. I want to be a better mom, wife, friend, dieter, human but only if it is easy. The path of least resistance is paved with peanut butter apparently! Susan Simpson, she doesn't really want to work to hard at it.  The reality is that when I don't put effort into anything I value, like my health, my marriage, my children, I sow no seeds. The soil lies parched and any dull wind threatens to blow it all away. I have realized through this specific journey with dieting, and especially in this season of my life, how much our mind controls even the smallest actions. My mind wants to trick me into thinking, "Just have that damn sandwich, it doesn't matter." But, it does matter. Old habits will die hard and you won't be able to teach an old dog new tricks if you don't fight for it.
When I began this diet plan, I had no intentions of going past September. I am proud to say I have reached the goal I set for myself at the beginning of the summer. I actual set a goal and completed it. But, in achieving this goal, I have realized how much my mind wants to limit my body. My Ideal protein coach made a great point when we met this week. She basically said, "Your head wants to keep you at a certain weight, a certain size, your heart and your body can blow that out of the water. " Amen, sister! In these last six months before I turn 40, I want to blow the old Susan Azzaro Simpson out of the water. I want to challenge her to become more than she could ever imagine. I want to see how we can not only improve her health, her body and her fitness level ,but also how we can change those toxic ways of thinking and in turn acting.

Caroline, age 8

When I was little I so loved the Beverly Cleary "Ramona" books. I especially loved "Ramona Quimby, Age 8". I think I loved Ramona so because I could relate and identify with her. She was spunky, she was creative, she was mischievous and spicy and she wanted so badly to be loved and understood for exactly who she was. My Caroline, who will be 8 on October 12th, is my own personal "Ramona". Caroline is spunky and sweet, fiercely independent, tremendously creative and a talented artist. She is driven and will never take no for an answer. As I have admitted even recently, this has been,at times,  a source of great strife for me. I think, with Caroline and me, we collide sometimes because we are one in the same. It seems it is a constant battle of the wills which can get pretty ugly when you have two ladies who know their minds and relentlessly hold onto to our stances to the bitter end. Still, even with the struggles, I am so very grateful to have been blessed with such a force as Caroline. She is complicated, and I appreciate that. Caroline isn't easily won over or convinced but once you have her heart, her friendship, her love, she is fiercely loyal. She has never been a girl who needs to have lots of friends surrounding her and rather chooses her friends thoughtfully. I love watching Caroline compete in soccer. This is where her competitive and determined nature truly shines. She will accomplish whatever she sets her mind to. I am so hopeful and look forward to all the wonderful things Caroline will be able to do with her gifts. Counseling began over a month ago and has been wonderful for her. We are all learning skills to help her have a better handle on her emotions and reactions to others and most importantly she is learning to love herself, a gift I am sure will only continue to serve her well. She has a wonderful second great teacher who I believe "gets" her and is allowing Caroline to be herself. I am so thankful. Eight years ago when Caroline was delivered via c-section, she literally was brought out of my body screaming crying and then she suddenly stopped and had one eye closed and the other seemed to be eyeing me, like she was taking us and especially me in. I remember thinking at the time that it seemed unusual that a newborn baby would take appraisal of her surroundings. I like to think she was thinking, "Well, this  life thing should be interesting, and lady, I am going to give you a run for your money." :)  Caroline does give us a run for our money but she has brought our family so much joy and passion. I am confident and hopeful that when I look back on  parenting Caroline I will realize she brought out the best of me and herself one day. The world truly is hers for the taking. Happy Birthday to the sweetest, spunkiest, squeakiest Caroline. We love you "Caroline Simpson, age 8"

Ellie is FIVE!

Five! My baby is five! Where did the time go? Well, technically she is not five for another six days but it's going to be a crazy week with summer ending, a mommy whose working all weekend and school starting. I was just reading back on a post I wrote when I found out that I was pregnant with Ellie. I remember that day so vividly. We were NOT planning on adding a third child to our family. In fact, I remember standing in the family room, positive pregnancy test in one hand and the phone trembling hand in the other, as I called Jeff. We felt so overwhelmed at the time with the two and three year old we had. Six years ago I wrote, "We feel very ill equipped to be adding another kid to the mix". Five years later, I can say we can not imagine a world without Elizabeth Jane Simpson. She is sweet, she is spicy, she is creative, she is a snuggler, she can be a stinker, she is a daddy's girl. Ellie says the funniest things and loves to act much older than she is. Her favorite show is Lab Rats or Doc McStuffins. She loves food, especially junk food. Corn dogs top her list of favs. She likes to stay up late and sleep in! This summer Ellie learned to swim and dive off the diving board. She tried her hand at tee ball and was not a fan! We are waiting another year and then might try soccer! Ellie adores her big sister and brother but definitely knows how to drive them crazy and aggravate them:) Ellie was headed to Young fives ,but after they change some things we decided kindergarten would be a better fit. We think she will do well and she can't wait to have all of the kids in the same school. Truth be told, this mom can't believe after nine years, there will be no more babies at home. There truly are seasons to life and especially parenting. Time and time again Jeff and I say to each other, "When does it get easier? When will we not feel overwhelmed all the time?" We are starting to see glimpses of that world. But, we also realize that every season has its challenges and it will never get easy! This fall all of the kids are involved in tons of activities and sports and it will be a busy year. Jeff and I are often passing ships, with one kid needing to be here or there and a third shift worker needing to sleep, life can seem like a blur.  We're looking forward to a new year, new teachers and new adventures! Happy Birthday sweet Ellie Bellie! We are so thankful that God knew that we needed a little spitfire girl in our lives!

Parenting...HELP!

I have never hidden the fact that I struggle with nearly every aspect of parenting on this blog or in my life. TRANSPARENCY is my theme:) I also have been fairly candid about my struggles with parenting Caroline. I love my middle girl with all my heart. She is driven, passionate, artistic, caring, sweet, smart as heck, athletic and the list goes on and on. But, she has tested every fiber of my being. Parenting her has taught me some very ugly truths about myself. I am inpatient, quick to criticize, I speak without thinking, and react in anger when dealing with her. Many times my interactions with Caroline have brought me such shame. Most days I struggle with parenting and feel so defeated. I realized earlier this summer that my struggles with parenting were impacting my life in a variety of ways. When you know you are messing up majorly in one area of your life you can't help but wonder how that affects the rest of it? But, for a long time I have struggled with how to handle it, where to turn to get help. I have gone to counseling in the past but it didn't seem to have any lasting changes on my parenting. I literally didn't know what to do, so I basically have just ignored it.
Well, last week we discovered through some pretty horrible circumstances that our girl is struggling more than we ever thought. We are devastated. We have always had the goal of shaping Caroline's spirit, not breaking it. I am afraid that right now, our sweet girl has a very defeated and broken spirit. We have decided that rather than bury our heads in the sand through this crisis, we will fight to help Caroline rediscover all the wonderful things that make her the fantastic girl we know and love. We have enlisted the help of a counselor who will work with our whole family to become healthier and stronger. We need to learn how to communicate better, discipline more effectively, love more unconditionally. We are so sad that it took a crisis in our child's life to get us to this point, but we are moving ahead optimistically and enthusiastically. I pray that Caroline never again doubts the love we have for her. I debated whether this was appropriate for my blog. But, like I said earlier, I am pretty open about my struggles. We are struggling. We covet all the well wishes and prayers you can send our sweet Caroline's way!

Weighty issues

So on June 1 I began a diet. I have shunned diets for years. The word diet seriously makes me start to sweat, because for as long as my memory goes back, I have been all too aware of weight, especially my own. I have always struggled with my weight. It has been a source of much strife in my life. I don't like to even think about how much pain this struggle has caused me over the years. If I ever hear another person say to me, "Your face is so pretty" I will die. When I hear that, my take away is "BUT YOUR BODY IS NOT!" Unfortunately this approach , of not dealing with the issues, usually ends up with me not dealing at all with healthy living and then I gain more weight! After having surgery seven years ago, I have been able to keep off a large amount of weight. But, this past year, I have let life and FOOD get in the way of healthy choices and saw my weight creeping up to a yucky place again. I have faced the reality that I will never be a size 8. But, one day this spring, as I felt my pants getting tighter, I thought to myself.."What the hell, are you going to eat your way to the next size?" A dear friend of mine had done a diet last year and had great success from it. I had contemplated doing it but because of my distaste of diets, I was reluctant. Then one day, my mom told me how she ran into a friend she had not seen all winter, and she had lost a ton of weight on the same diet.  I don't know what happened? Maybe I thought it was a sign from the heavens, maybe I was all too aware of how out of control my eating was, but I signed up the next week. I started June 1st. I have lost a considerable amount of weight. I feel great in many ways, but I am also just beginning to get to the root of the impact of  thirty nine years of weight issues. I am realizing how much I sabotage myself. I am realizing how much I don't believe in myself or give myself credit. I am realizing how incredibly selfish I am. I am realizing that if you don't deal with issues they don't go away, they and you just get bigger. Above all I am realizing, for the first time in all my years of knowing and being married to Jeff, that he has never seen me for my weight. We were talking about my heaviest weight the other day, after I found a horrible picture, and I asked him what he thought of me back then. He just looked at me and said, "You know, I don't even remember, you've always just been Suzie." And that sentence, made up for any shortcoming that man has. He loves me for me. Sure he wants me to be healthy, but he is there for me, quite literally through thick and thin. This truth has been at the heart of  my weight struggles. Not feeling like you're good enough, sucks. It has caused me to make some horrible decisions over the years. Trying to find ways to make myself feel good in unhealthy ways, whether it has been too much alcohol, toxic relationships, or eating a whole box of thin mints, is how I have coped for far too many years.  As much as I have always felt that losing weight would magically make this feeling go away, it usually only makes me more aware of where I feel I am not good enough in my life. The struggles I have with mothering and marriage and being a good enough friend, good enough social worker, all contribute towards my feelings of inadequacy. Being the mom of two girls, I have been very aware of how my own body image affects my girls. I want them to have respect for themselves and others. I want them to be healthy. I want them to be able to know when they want an oreo or a carrot. How many of us never really know when we are hungry for something? I have realized over the past handful of years how mindless eating can be. I don't want that for my kids. I want them to pick partners who will say to them that they love them for their minds and spirits, not just their bodies.
I'm sure as I continue on this journey that I will discover more truths about myself. It is hard work but I'm game. Dang, will I be one together chick by March and the big 40 or what?!

Church

Last Sunday I went to church for the first time in a very long time. I am ashamed to admit I can't even rememeber the last time I had been. I am sure I could say that I would go more if I didn't work every other weekend. But, really I am sure there are plenty of people who work nights and still manage to go to church every weekend or at least every other. The truth is we tend to get out of the habit of going in the summer. Just typing that makes me feel guilty, the "habit" of going to church. I'm pretty sure that attitude does not please God. I have shared here before that I feel a bit like I have been drifting the past few years when it comes to connecting to church and faith. A lot of that has to do with some struggles with the changes in how my beliefs have evolved over the last few years. I feel like I could drift from church to church to church and still I would struggle. Because in reality, all churches have their issues and at the end of the day I feel church is where a believer goes to worship and serve God, not soley to be served. I was talking to a friend last night how I miss being connected to a small group. Having that type of accountablity was so good for Jeff and I, and we developed some solid friendships through them in our previous church.
The last time I wrote I talked about how my life in many ways felt that is was "off the rails.". It has been about eight weeks since that time. Many positive changes have taken place in my life since then. For the first time in a long time, I am making my health a priority. I chose to do a pretty radical eating plan/diet to get myself back on track and am happy to report that I am lighter and feel amazing. I think I felt if I got "control" over things like what I eat and drink, the rest would take care of itself. While I do feel much better than I did eight weeks ago, I continue to  greatly struggle with other areas. I can't help but feel there is a direct connection with these struggles and my lack of balance and feeling firm in my faith. I feel like God continues to shake his head at me and is thinking, just get it together already. I think my approach to my faith has been largely selfish these past few years. What can I get out of a sermon? What does this church have for my kids? What is most convenient for me? The consquence of this selfishness being that I continue to feel very far from God and many of my thoughts and actions reflect this distance and drifting.
So...doing better with half of my life, but continuing to struggle with the other, and many would say the most important and meaningful part of life. I gave myself the timeline of my 40th birthday to get it together. Thank goodness I still have eight months to work on figuring it all out. I am sure God is just shaking His head and thinking.."Oh dear girl, it ain't that hard.."

Be the change..

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

This quote has been in my mind a lot lately. Some work things have been hard lately and some life things have been as well. I find it ironic that often I find myself in a position of giving advice  when I am talking to patients who are struggling with a variety of issues and yet  I struggle to , "practice what I preach". The result of this lack of action in my own life is feeling pretty dang shitty about myself. How can a person have so much education ,experience, common sense and still mess up? Because we are and I  am..human.  Sometimes as much as we want to make the best choice or take  the road less traveled we instead find ourselves on that same road, that same path of destruction. Lately, I feel like I wake up many days and think..What the hell is going on in my life? I read a lot of blogs, most of them written by woman who fall into similar demographics as me. Married, mommy, daughter, working and you know what..WE ALL STRUGGLE. I think that part of my problem with my various struggles is that I have wanted so badly to  deny that I am struggling. No one really wants to be the person, friend, spouse, sibling, etc that is walking around complaining about how much they screw up. I want to be the woman, social worker, mommy, friend that has it mostly together. (Notice I am not saying all together! Apparently I do have some sense.) But, somehow I think changing what I do not like that I do or say will happen magically. My first semester of graduate school I had a professor who asked us to write a paper on the topic of how a person goes about change in their lives. The stages ranging from recognizing what you would like to change and then doing it. In theory it seems simple enough but in actual life, I have realized that it is much easier to stay in the contemplating stage of your problem, or what you want to change than to actually get off your butt and change it. I think I have finally gotten so sick of my current path that I actually will take the flipping steps to change. Am I making any sense here?? I am starting to think that as forty approaches it is time to truly figure how who I am and what I want to be. By the time March 25, 2015 arrives and with it the big 40..I want to have a better handle on me. I have had thirty nine years of living. All of those years have helped to shape who I am . I can't help but feel that at times I am just beginning to know who I really am. I feel like part of this next nine months, before I turn forty, is to discover who the real Susan Simpson is. She may be a little tattered, and there may be some wounds that I have been denying exist from the past, but with some hard work, dedication and certainly grace, she can find her way to a happier, healthier way of existing.

Nine years

This weekend marks nine years that we've lived in Michigan. Both Jeff and I were raised in Michigan. Jeff grew up in Portage and I consider Midland my home town.  It seems like a very long time ago that we packed all of our belongings and a three week old Matthew and headed north! We desperately wanted to raise our family in Michigan, closer to Jeff's family and in a more reasonably priced area! Not to say that we didn't love our Chicago years. Both Jeff and I moved to downtown Chicago when we graduated from MSU in 1998. When we moved to Chicago, we were just friends. We didn't start dating for two years, but we had many mutual friends and hung out all the time. I have never had more fun than during those single, Chicago days. Cubs games, gorgeous Lake Michigan, with the Chicago skyline as a backdrop, just blocks away from your apt, great bars, laid back people..GREAT times were had in Chicago. But, once we started dating, and eventually married, the reality of what it would mean to live and raise a family in downtown Chicago, had us high tail it out to the suburb of Rolling Meadows where we bought our first home, a sweet little town home. At 202 College Crossing, we went from a couple to a family when we welcomed Matthew at the end of April. Desperate to stay at home with my little guy, I began looking for job for Jeff in Michigan the year before. He was working for a CPA firm back then and barely had time to sleep, let alone job search. I remember him meeting his prospective bosses from Borgess at a bar in Mattawan for his interview, which had to take place on a Sunday, his only day off during the busy season. He came back saying he thought it went well(and that it had to be a good sign that they wanted to meet him at a bar), and a few days later we knew we were headed to Michigan. Soon after I was put on bed rest and so Jeff went house hunting all by his lonesome, armed with an extensive list of my "must haves" and a video camera. I still can't believe we bought a house without me ever actually laying eyes on it! We had Matthew, and thanks to my mom coming to save the day and literally packing everything, were soon on our way to Portage.
So much has happened over the last nine years. We added two more kids, we've gone through many stages, from the baby and toddler years to now having three school aged kids! We've met some awesome people in Portage and feel very blessed to have some wonderful neighbors who've become friends. We love living close to Jeff's mom and feel so thankful for the love she's poured into our kids. Portage is a great community with good people. I can't think of a better place to raise a family. This house, that I never saw, until I owned it, has been good to us. Sure, I'd love to change some things but I can't help but love this house we've become a family in. From a three month old Matthew, to two little girls who share a room and lots of mischievous nighttime giggles, Christmas Eve spent with our good friends and neighbors the Maynards, bonfires with gaggles of neighborhood kids clamoring for smores and adults clamoring for one more beer! Lively discussions and heartfelt talks on neighborhood decks. The annual caroling party that we've held for the past four years. Lots of good things have happened here and I doubt anyone has ever noticed that our carpet is worn and stained:) Living in a great community where you feel you belong and know without a doubt that you could count on  in good times and in bad is something I don't take lightly. We have loved these last nine years and the memories we've made and look forward to many more years of fun to come and maybe, just maybe, someday..new carpet!

Backpacks filled with unrealized potential...

I can't believe I have been mothering for nearly a decade. Sometimes it seems like I have just begun this journey. Of course other times it seems like I have been doing this forever. When I was little I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I was the kid that was always pretending to be the mom. I had elaborate "houses" and pretend "kids". My imagination vividly created a world where I had lots of children and I was always the perfect mommy. I couldn't wait to grow up and have those dreams realized. As I grew older, I babysat all the time, and even as a young professional left social work for a period of time to nanny for two precious little girls in Chicago. I fully admit that BEFORE I had
kids, I thought I had all the answers. I was so smug, watching other people's kids, judging and always thinking, "When I am a mom I will never or I will always." Oh how I have eaten crow over the last nine years. What an idiot I was. While nannying children is a noble and sometimes difficult job, it has NOTHING on the real deal. Yes, I have loved and cared about the children I have watched during my babysitting years, but it pales in comparison to the love and investment I have in my flesh and blood. I never realized how much shame would be associated with mothering. I read an article by Jen Hatamaker last year about how most moms are "limping to the finish line to summer vacation." I feel like the Simpsons are limping from about October. For real. We never have gotten into a good homework rhythm . Our library books get sucked into the abyss,  our backpacks are filled with old cheese it crumbs and unsigned permission slips. Matthew's star of the week that was to be turned in around September is just getting finished now. The icing on the shame cake came yesterday in the form of a stern talking to from Matthew's piano teacher who basically said, "If he's not going to practice ,you're wasting my time and your money." Ouch. Sometimes I take solace in knowing that I am doing the best I can. But, more often than not, I feel ashamed because really, I am not. I could be more organized. I could forgo relaxing sometimes and get shit done. (Sorry, I felt the word was needed there) For awhile I blamed my working nights, but really, its been a year. I am used to the schedule so that is a sorry excuse. I have grand plans to get our crap together starting this summer. We've hired a nanny and she seems pretty on top of things, Oh, the irony that a nanny will end up getting this mom on the right page. Thankfully the kids are pretty bright and their academics have not lagged yet. But, as they grow older I know that we won't be able to get away with how we've approached their academics. That, and we certainly aren't setting great examples of how to be independent learners and establishing good study skills that will be needed as they enter middle and high school.
I guess I am wondering if I feel this much of a mess nearly ten years in, when will it start to get better? As they mature, their lives only get busier. This Spring sports season alone we have three kids playing some form of baseball, plus soccer for Caroline. We are running around like chicken with our heads cut off. At the end of the day, I don't like what being lazy about all this school business makes me feel like. We can do better. They say that the first step toward change is acceptance. I accept the mistakes I have made with Matthew and Caroline's schooling and really want to change that. I will even accept a 23 year old nannying showing me the way:)