Weighty issues

So on June 1 I began a diet. I have shunned diets for years. The word diet seriously makes me start to sweat, because for as long as my memory goes back, I have been all too aware of weight, especially my own. I have always struggled with my weight. It has been a source of much strife in my life. I don't like to even think about how much pain this struggle has caused me over the years. If I ever hear another person say to me, "Your face is so pretty" I will die. When I hear that, my take away is "BUT YOUR BODY IS NOT!" Unfortunately this approach , of not dealing with the issues, usually ends up with me not dealing at all with healthy living and then I gain more weight! After having surgery seven years ago, I have been able to keep off a large amount of weight. But, this past year, I have let life and FOOD get in the way of healthy choices and saw my weight creeping up to a yucky place again. I have faced the reality that I will never be a size 8. But, one day this spring, as I felt my pants getting tighter, I thought to myself.."What the hell, are you going to eat your way to the next size?" A dear friend of mine had done a diet last year and had great success from it. I had contemplated doing it but because of my distaste of diets, I was reluctant. Then one day, my mom told me how she ran into a friend she had not seen all winter, and she had lost a ton of weight on the same diet.  I don't know what happened? Maybe I thought it was a sign from the heavens, maybe I was all too aware of how out of control my eating was, but I signed up the next week. I started June 1st. I have lost a considerable amount of weight. I feel great in many ways, but I am also just beginning to get to the root of the impact of  thirty nine years of weight issues. I am realizing how much I sabotage myself. I am realizing how much I don't believe in myself or give myself credit. I am realizing how incredibly selfish I am. I am realizing that if you don't deal with issues they don't go away, they and you just get bigger. Above all I am realizing, for the first time in all my years of knowing and being married to Jeff, that he has never seen me for my weight. We were talking about my heaviest weight the other day, after I found a horrible picture, and I asked him what he thought of me back then. He just looked at me and said, "You know, I don't even remember, you've always just been Suzie." And that sentence, made up for any shortcoming that man has. He loves me for me. Sure he wants me to be healthy, but he is there for me, quite literally through thick and thin. This truth has been at the heart of  my weight struggles. Not feeling like you're good enough, sucks. It has caused me to make some horrible decisions over the years. Trying to find ways to make myself feel good in unhealthy ways, whether it has been too much alcohol, toxic relationships, or eating a whole box of thin mints, is how I have coped for far too many years.  As much as I have always felt that losing weight would magically make this feeling go away, it usually only makes me more aware of where I feel I am not good enough in my life. The struggles I have with mothering and marriage and being a good enough friend, good enough social worker, all contribute towards my feelings of inadequacy. Being the mom of two girls, I have been very aware of how my own body image affects my girls. I want them to have respect for themselves and others. I want them to be healthy. I want them to be able to know when they want an oreo or a carrot. How many of us never really know when we are hungry for something? I have realized over the past handful of years how mindless eating can be. I don't want that for my kids. I want them to pick partners who will say to them that they love them for their minds and spirits, not just their bodies.
I'm sure as I continue on this journey that I will discover more truths about myself. It is hard work but I'm game. Dang, will I be one together chick by March and the big 40 or what?!

Church

Last Sunday I went to church for the first time in a very long time. I am ashamed to admit I can't even rememeber the last time I had been. I am sure I could say that I would go more if I didn't work every other weekend. But, really I am sure there are plenty of people who work nights and still manage to go to church every weekend or at least every other. The truth is we tend to get out of the habit of going in the summer. Just typing that makes me feel guilty, the "habit" of going to church. I'm pretty sure that attitude does not please God. I have shared here before that I feel a bit like I have been drifting the past few years when it comes to connecting to church and faith. A lot of that has to do with some struggles with the changes in how my beliefs have evolved over the last few years. I feel like I could drift from church to church to church and still I would struggle. Because in reality, all churches have their issues and at the end of the day I feel church is where a believer goes to worship and serve God, not soley to be served. I was talking to a friend last night how I miss being connected to a small group. Having that type of accountablity was so good for Jeff and I, and we developed some solid friendships through them in our previous church.
The last time I wrote I talked about how my life in many ways felt that is was "off the rails.". It has been about eight weeks since that time. Many positive changes have taken place in my life since then. For the first time in a long time, I am making my health a priority. I chose to do a pretty radical eating plan/diet to get myself back on track and am happy to report that I am lighter and feel amazing. I think I felt if I got "control" over things like what I eat and drink, the rest would take care of itself. While I do feel much better than I did eight weeks ago, I continue to  greatly struggle with other areas. I can't help but feel there is a direct connection with these struggles and my lack of balance and feeling firm in my faith. I feel like God continues to shake his head at me and is thinking, just get it together already. I think my approach to my faith has been largely selfish these past few years. What can I get out of a sermon? What does this church have for my kids? What is most convenient for me? The consquence of this selfishness being that I continue to feel very far from God and many of my thoughts and actions reflect this distance and drifting.
So...doing better with half of my life, but continuing to struggle with the other, and many would say the most important and meaningful part of life. I gave myself the timeline of my 40th birthday to get it together. Thank goodness I still have eight months to work on figuring it all out. I am sure God is just shaking His head and thinking.."Oh dear girl, it ain't that hard.."

Be the change..

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

This quote has been in my mind a lot lately. Some work things have been hard lately and some life things have been as well. I find it ironic that often I find myself in a position of giving advice  when I am talking to patients who are struggling with a variety of issues and yet  I struggle to , "practice what I preach". The result of this lack of action in my own life is feeling pretty dang shitty about myself. How can a person have so much education ,experience, common sense and still mess up? Because we are and I  am..human.  Sometimes as much as we want to make the best choice or take  the road less traveled we instead find ourselves on that same road, that same path of destruction. Lately, I feel like I wake up many days and think..What the hell is going on in my life? I read a lot of blogs, most of them written by woman who fall into similar demographics as me. Married, mommy, daughter, working and you know what..WE ALL STRUGGLE. I think that part of my problem with my various struggles is that I have wanted so badly to  deny that I am struggling. No one really wants to be the person, friend, spouse, sibling, etc that is walking around complaining about how much they screw up. I want to be the woman, social worker, mommy, friend that has it mostly together. (Notice I am not saying all together! Apparently I do have some sense.) But, somehow I think changing what I do not like that I do or say will happen magically. My first semester of graduate school I had a professor who asked us to write a paper on the topic of how a person goes about change in their lives. The stages ranging from recognizing what you would like to change and then doing it. In theory it seems simple enough but in actual life, I have realized that it is much easier to stay in the contemplating stage of your problem, or what you want to change than to actually get off your butt and change it. I think I have finally gotten so sick of my current path that I actually will take the flipping steps to change. Am I making any sense here?? I am starting to think that as forty approaches it is time to truly figure how who I am and what I want to be. By the time March 25, 2015 arrives and with it the big 40..I want to have a better handle on me. I have had thirty nine years of living. All of those years have helped to shape who I am . I can't help but feel that at times I am just beginning to know who I really am. I feel like part of this next nine months, before I turn forty, is to discover who the real Susan Simpson is. She may be a little tattered, and there may be some wounds that I have been denying exist from the past, but with some hard work, dedication and certainly grace, she can find her way to a happier, healthier way of existing.

Nine years

This weekend marks nine years that we've lived in Michigan. Both Jeff and I were raised in Michigan. Jeff grew up in Portage and I consider Midland my home town.  It seems like a very long time ago that we packed all of our belongings and a three week old Matthew and headed north! We desperately wanted to raise our family in Michigan, closer to Jeff's family and in a more reasonably priced area! Not to say that we didn't love our Chicago years. Both Jeff and I moved to downtown Chicago when we graduated from MSU in 1998. When we moved to Chicago, we were just friends. We didn't start dating for two years, but we had many mutual friends and hung out all the time. I have never had more fun than during those single, Chicago days. Cubs games, gorgeous Lake Michigan, with the Chicago skyline as a backdrop, just blocks away from your apt, great bars, laid back people..GREAT times were had in Chicago. But, once we started dating, and eventually married, the reality of what it would mean to live and raise a family in downtown Chicago, had us high tail it out to the suburb of Rolling Meadows where we bought our first home, a sweet little town home. At 202 College Crossing, we went from a couple to a family when we welcomed Matthew at the end of April. Desperate to stay at home with my little guy, I began looking for job for Jeff in Michigan the year before. He was working for a CPA firm back then and barely had time to sleep, let alone job search. I remember him meeting his prospective bosses from Borgess at a bar in Mattawan for his interview, which had to take place on a Sunday, his only day off during the busy season. He came back saying he thought it went well(and that it had to be a good sign that they wanted to meet him at a bar), and a few days later we knew we were headed to Michigan. Soon after I was put on bed rest and so Jeff went house hunting all by his lonesome, armed with an extensive list of my "must haves" and a video camera. I still can't believe we bought a house without me ever actually laying eyes on it! We had Matthew, and thanks to my mom coming to save the day and literally packing everything, were soon on our way to Portage.
So much has happened over the last nine years. We added two more kids, we've gone through many stages, from the baby and toddler years to now having three school aged kids! We've met some awesome people in Portage and feel very blessed to have some wonderful neighbors who've become friends. We love living close to Jeff's mom and feel so thankful for the love she's poured into our kids. Portage is a great community with good people. I can't think of a better place to raise a family. This house, that I never saw, until I owned it, has been good to us. Sure, I'd love to change some things but I can't help but love this house we've become a family in. From a three month old Matthew, to two little girls who share a room and lots of mischievous nighttime giggles, Christmas Eve spent with our good friends and neighbors the Maynards, bonfires with gaggles of neighborhood kids clamoring for smores and adults clamoring for one more beer! Lively discussions and heartfelt talks on neighborhood decks. The annual caroling party that we've held for the past four years. Lots of good things have happened here and I doubt anyone has ever noticed that our carpet is worn and stained:) Living in a great community where you feel you belong and know without a doubt that you could count on  in good times and in bad is something I don't take lightly. We have loved these last nine years and the memories we've made and look forward to many more years of fun to come and maybe, just maybe, someday..new carpet!

Backpacks filled with unrealized potential...

I can't believe I have been mothering for nearly a decade. Sometimes it seems like I have just begun this journey. Of course other times it seems like I have been doing this forever. When I was little I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I was the kid that was always pretending to be the mom. I had elaborate "houses" and pretend "kids". My imagination vividly created a world where I had lots of children and I was always the perfect mommy. I couldn't wait to grow up and have those dreams realized. As I grew older, I babysat all the time, and even as a young professional left social work for a period of time to nanny for two precious little girls in Chicago. I fully admit that BEFORE I had
kids, I thought I had all the answers. I was so smug, watching other people's kids, judging and always thinking, "When I am a mom I will never or I will always." Oh how I have eaten crow over the last nine years. What an idiot I was. While nannying children is a noble and sometimes difficult job, it has NOTHING on the real deal. Yes, I have loved and cared about the children I have watched during my babysitting years, but it pales in comparison to the love and investment I have in my flesh and blood. I never realized how much shame would be associated with mothering. I read an article by Jen Hatamaker last year about how most moms are "limping to the finish line to summer vacation." I feel like the Simpsons are limping from about October. For real. We never have gotten into a good homework rhythm . Our library books get sucked into the abyss,  our backpacks are filled with old cheese it crumbs and unsigned permission slips. Matthew's star of the week that was to be turned in around September is just getting finished now. The icing on the shame cake came yesterday in the form of a stern talking to from Matthew's piano teacher who basically said, "If he's not going to practice ,you're wasting my time and your money." Ouch. Sometimes I take solace in knowing that I am doing the best I can. But, more often than not, I feel ashamed because really, I am not. I could be more organized. I could forgo relaxing sometimes and get shit done. (Sorry, I felt the word was needed there) For awhile I blamed my working nights, but really, its been a year. I am used to the schedule so that is a sorry excuse. I have grand plans to get our crap together starting this summer. We've hired a nanny and she seems pretty on top of things, Oh, the irony that a nanny will end up getting this mom on the right page. Thankfully the kids are pretty bright and their academics have not lagged yet. But, as they grow older I know that we won't be able to get away with how we've approached their academics. That, and we certainly aren't setting great examples of how to be independent learners and establishing good study skills that will be needed as they enter middle and high school.
I guess I am wondering if I feel this much of a mess nearly ten years in, when will it start to get better? As they mature, their lives only get busier. This Spring sports season alone we have three kids playing some form of baseball, plus soccer for Caroline. We are running around like chicken with our heads cut off. At the end of the day, I don't like what being lazy about all this school business makes me feel like. We can do better. They say that the first step toward change is acceptance. I accept the mistakes I have made with Matthew and Caroline's schooling and really want to change that. I will even accept a 23 year old nannying showing me the way:)

Eleven for Eleven...

Jeff and I celebrated eleven years of marriage on Saturday. I thought in honor of the occasion I would make a list of eleven things I have learned or appreciate about marriage. Here goes nothing..

1. On April 26, 2003 I really had no idea how hard marriage would really be.
2. I love watching Jeff parent our children. Nothing makes  me prouder. Our children are so very blessed.
3. I am so grateful we took a luxurious honeymoon. I have no idea when we will ever have the time or money to do something like that again.
4. Even though it sometimes drives me crazy, I appreciate Jeff's conscientiousness about money!
5. I love that Jeff supports my career goals and helps me be a third shifter! I can't imagine doing it without his support!
6. I love that we truly balance each other out. Jeff's personality compliments mine in so many ways.
7. I wish I had taken the generous amount of money my parents offered us in lieu of the big wedding and had invested it in our future.(But the big ol'wedding and party sure was fun!)
8. I am grateful that Jeff and I have a shared faith and belief in God. It is truly the rock that hold this marriage together.
9. I love that no one knows me like Jeff. To be married to your best friend, someone who knows the ugliest and worst parts of you and loves you still, priceless.
10. I am grateful for the example my own parent's marriage of 43 years has set for us. What a legacy.
11. Above all, I am grateful for every moment of these last eleven years. Like I said, I had no idea what I really was embarking on eleven years ago. I certainly was naive and idealistic. I suppose that is good and the way it should be. I would hate to begin my marriage believing and hoping for anything but the best. As time goes on, I realize there are many hard days, but every day is better when you are known and loved. Believed in and forgiven, cherished, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, till death do us part! Happy Anniversary!

Crazy Matty is nine!

Nine years of motherhood and nine years of having Matthew in our lives. I really can't believe how far we've come in nine years. I have documented all of Matthew's life on this blog. It has been such a blessing to look back over the last nine years and read about all of our adventures with "Crazy Matty" and the rest of the Simpson gang. The times I was losing my mind, the times we added a sibling, encountered obstacles such as Matthew's cerebral palsy and OT issues. Seeing how much he has matured. On the days when parenting still gets the best of me, which is MANY, this blog reminds me, time and time again, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That babies do eventually sleep through the night, that one day you will change your last poopy diaper, that you will be able to take all three kids to the store without wanting to cry your way through it. The weather today is very much like it was the day our boy came into this world. It has made me nostalgic for that day nine years ago when I thought for certain I would die from the pain of labor. When I realized how things weren't going well due to the doctor and midwife's alarm (and swearing!) as they literally sat on top of me trying to free the baby who had gotten stuck trying to make his way out. Waking up alone and scared, no baby, no husband, and a very blurry memory of them finally getting that baby boy out. Hours of waiting followed, panic growing stronger as time ticked on wondering where my baby was and if something was wrong. I remember when I finally got to hold Matthew, saying to him, "I am your mommy!" I remember thinking his coney, jaundiced face was the cutest thing I have ever seen. I remember thinking that the dream I had, for as long as I could remember, to be a mother, had come true. I have realized though the years of parenting Matthew(and Caroline and Ellie too), that I certainly underestimated parenting and motherhood in every single way. It is the hardest job I have ever had. It is the most rewarding, most demanding, and had revealed many of my deepest flaws to me. Above all, I feel overwhelmingly that I am privileged to be able to shape these little people. I pray that I am doing them justice. Happy Birthday sweet Matty man! We think you are a wonderful boy that is thoughtful and funny, caring and compassionate. We can't wait to see what your bright future holds!!

Sometimes there isn't enough wine..

I am cracking myself up over here at my title. Perhaps because I have just poured myself a delicious glass of wine and am trying to survive this Spring Break. Disclaimer: What I am about to say will undoubtedly seem very, very bratty. But, this is my blog and I can be a brat if I want to!! So, for my entire childhood I was privileged to go to Florida for nearly every Spring Break. This was because my father traveled so much for business and had frequent flier miles and my uncle managed hotels and got us great deals. So, every March, I would board some airplane and lounge in the sun, soaking up all the rays I could, for the thought of NOT being the tannest person in my high school was devastating to me. Fast forward through college where I took more fun trips, paid for by my parents, and post college where I was lucky to go to places like Mexico, Grand Cayman and St. Lucia. Then, kids and jobs and being an actual adult with a husband who can never take vacation during spring breaks and student loans and three kids who can barely make it to Paw Paw on the way to Chicago let alone an 18 hour car trip to Florida. And, you have five fairly miserable people trying to make the most of it in freaking MICHIGAN. Oh, I forgot, Michigan, this winter was literally a frozen tundra of hell. Snow and cold like I have never seen in my life, and I have spent most of my life in this state! If ever there were a time that an escape to anywhere southern was needed, it was post WINTER 2014! But, for all the reasons mentioned above, we did not go further into debt to buy plane tickets, We opted instead to visit friends in Chicago, go to Shedd and have an overnight at a reasonably priced water park/hotel nearby. I have also been fortunate enough to have eleven days off work so I can spend this quality spring break time with the kids(note: this statement is DRIPPING with sarcasm and sauvigon blanc!).
One of the goals of this break, besides having great time together as a family, is to get my mess of a basement organized and the loads of crap I have stored down there for the past year, ready for our neighborhood garage sale in a few weeks. Many of you will remember that my friend Nicole blessed me with her organizational services a few years ago. Three years ago that  basement was pristine. But, fast forward, well..um, THREE years and life has happened. Grad school, holidays, birthdays and grandparents that insist that KIDS need TOYS, has happened. The basement was a mess. In fact it was so messy that sometimes I fantasized a huge flood ruining everything in it so I could begin again. But, one day last week, my gracious mother in law offered to take the girls and Matthew was off playing with friends so I had no choice but to tackle it. I will admit that when I first went down there, I thought to myself, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!, I can't, I won't!" But, I started with one basket and soon I realized if I tackled the basement one basket/bin at a time, that it was doable. That I could make sense of the chaos that it had become. Three short hours later, the play side actually looks good. I couldn't help but see the lessons my messy basement was screaming at me. That I tend to become overwhelmed when I don't need to. That really all you need to do is take each day and sometimes each moment on and not worry about the big picture. That sometimes we do need to throw ourselves into the messy projects and miss the fun in order to have less stress in our lives. That sometimes we can feel bad that we think we the ONLY family in Portage, Michigan NOT on Spring Break. But, at the end of the day, we are blessed that we are able to have friends to visit and money to go to aquariums and movies and b-list water parks. Sometimes there are lessons for my kids and their grouchy mommy in the mess of the basement and learning to have fun and be a family, in any circumstance. And of course, there is always enough wine:) Kidding, kind of !

39 years..

On Tuesday I will be 39. I am all about my birthday. I blame my father, who for as long as I can remember has declared the entire week of his birthday..BIRTHDAY WEEK. I am a huge fan of the birthday week. I am sure I have been mocked by several people over the years , ahem, Jeff, but to those people I say..IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! This year I have to work which kind of stinks but I love my job so much that I am really not all that bummed about it. I have plans to have drinks and dinner with some girlfriends, and a date night with Jeff  planned as well. It is shaping up to be a great week. Things are going so much better for me since December. I feel hopeful and centered and back on track. The things that distracted me so towards the end of last year seem downright ridiculous to me now. Jeff and I are in a great place in our marriage. We've been connecting on so many levels and I am realizing with each passing day what a blessing he is to me. With 40 looming around the corner, I feel like some goals for this 39th year would be appropriate. What better accountability of achieving these goals than to post them here!? I am picking 4 for the big 40..

By March 25, 2015..I would like to:


1. Be a better parent. While I feel I have come a long way in my marriage, my parenting skills still could use some work! More patience, more grace, more fun.

2. Continue to be the best medical social worker I can be. To continue to learn how to best serve my patients and their families and my wonderful colleagues.

3. Continue to be intentional with my faith. These past two years have been some of the most challenging in many areas of reconciling what exactly I believe and getting right with God.

4. Be intentional in working on my marriage everyday. God has blessed me richly with a wonderful, loving, supportive husband. I undoubtedly have spent too much time taking him for granted and thinking the grass is greener in others pastures. I realized at the beginning of the year this could not be farther from the truth. But, I realize without daily work and devotion, it could all get messy again.

And I guess there is a fifth one..start eating better and working out. Because  really what set of goals would be complete without that?!

Oh yeah, I have kids..

Lately all my posts have been about me and my issues. Today, I am shifting the focus back to what began this blog in the first place, the three kidlets that call me mom. I love that I have nine years of stories and updates on here. I spent sometime last week reading old posts and laughing and nearly crying at how far we've come. So..Matthew, almost nine!! Still loving hockey, about to start baseball, just began piano(loves it!), has become an avid reader!(Mommy is so happy about this!). Just got an expander in his mouth as the beginning of braces begins. Still going to OT, and not being great about doing his OT homework. Good student, loyal friend, desperate to have a dog. The older Matthew gets the more I realize that there really is a light at the end of the parenting tunnel. If you would have told me when this boy was three that one day he would be a quiet, sweet, friendly, polite nine year old, I would have flat out called you a big fat LIAR. I never could imagine him maturing. Alas, he has and although he has his moments of being a typical kid, he is mostly a joy.
Caroline! Age 7.5 still loves drawing, soccer, play dates, Daisy scouts. Is the most independent girl and can almost always be found ready for school before her siblings and fast asleep at night without complaint. Caroline is still learning how to wait her turn at school (and that she can't answer every question, every time) although it's not because she doesn't know the answers, smarty pants that she is! Loves going to church and learning about God. Loves family dinner time and telling us her high and lows for the day. Great big sister to Ellie! Has the best smile and her hugs melt you because she doesn't give them out easily! Life is spunkier with our sweet Caroline.
Ellie, oh Ellie. Dramatic, expressive, sometimes a stinker face! She never has a problem keeping up with her older siblings. Loves to pretend that she's the mom, or the teenager or someone BOSSY. Great friend and loves taking the new kid under her wing. Very excited to play tee ball this year! Getting ready for Young fives or Kindergarten next fall, we're not sure yet. Screening at the end of this month will soon tell this four year old's fate. Loves to snuggle and rub your face, hand or anything else she can grab onto! Night owl like her big brother and daddy. If this little girl naps for even ten minutes, forget about her falling asleep before eleven that night. Loves to draw like her sister and is desperate for real homework.. We can't imagine life without the spunk Ellie brings.
We've had a long, cold and very snowy winter around here. We're desperate for Spring and Summer. Trips to the park, Lake Michigan, and sitting on the deck enjoying warmer weather are all things we are desperately looking forward to. The kids have asked that we look into getting a nanny for the summer rather than going to daycare. We are beginning the process of exploring what that would look like for our family. So, I think that about covers what the Simpson three have been up to these past months!

Nearly eleven years in..

At the end of April Jeff and I will have been married for eleven years. We met when I was nearly 21 he was 22. We've known each other for the past 18 years. Holy cow. I sometimes can not wrap my mind around those numbers.  15 years of being in a relationship, eleven years of marriage, three homes, three kids, many jobs, many trips, many good talks, many arguments over big and little things, meltdowns, good times, they are what this marriage is made of. I don't think I really "got" what marriage, and what it truly means to be committed, in all circumstances meant until this eleventh year. This year has been by far the hardest on us. We've stretched, we've realized that those little cracks we thought weren't a big deal ended up being a huge deal. We both have come to realize without daily commitment to each other, this union is susceptible to all kinds of crazy realities. It has been one of the scariest years, but also has allowed me to grow the most in who I am as a wife, and more importantly as a woman. I read a great blog last week written by a 20 something who recently became engaged. Her wisdom on her impending marriage far exceeds my own.  Mo, at www.moisom.com wrote that the world has taught us that there is one perfect person for us. That you can have the perfect wedding, the perfect kids, the perfect life, and if it doesn't work out, move on to find that perfect person. But, for those of us, like Jeff and me, who got married in a church and made vows before God, our marriages are based on the Word. For us, we realize there really is no perfect person or perfect life and that really, to make it, in this very WORDLY world, we are in desperate  need of the grace from our spouse and our God to carry us through year to year and throughout the seasons of marriage. I have realized this year that GRACE is truly all around me and I have especially experienced this in Jeff's love and forgiveness of me when I do not show him or treat him in the way I have vowed and am called to do. In a Christian marriage, our relationship is suppose to mirror Christ's love for the church and for us. The longer I am married, the more I realize that if we let Him, God will use our marriage relationship to draw us closer to and more like Him. I have realized some pretty ugly truths about myself this past year. Thankfully, I have also become more aware of the abundant blessings and grace I am afforded not only by my husband, but by my God. I feel like it has been a huge " A ha" moment, for lack of a better expression. This year on April 26th, I will cherish the blessing that my marriage has been in my life. To everything there is a season. I have felt like we've been in a winter of sorts this past year. I love the symbolism that our spring anniversary represents. The snow of this harsh winter will melt, the birds will sing, and things will look a little less bleak. I look forward to the next year, or forty with excitement of how God will grow us both through our union and commitment to each other.

The world says the person should be perfect for YOU. The ring should be perfect for YOU. The proposal should be perfect for YOU. The wedding should be perfect for YOU. And the Pinterest world will certainly praise YOU. (If you manage to host the perfect barn wedding, that is.)
But the WORD says it has nothing to do with you. The Word says the covenant of marriage has everything to do with God. The Word says the journey of navigating a lifetime promise has everything to do with Jesus. And the only thing perfect for YOU in the equation is grace.
- See more at: http://www.moisom.com/faith/i-just-got-engaged-and-immediately-doubted-my-decision-heres-why-i-still-said-yes/#.Uw59DIWyVbe

The world says the person should be perfect for YOU. The ring should be perfect for YOU. The proposal should be perfect for YOU. The wedding should be perfect for YOU. And the Pinterest world will certainly praise YOU. (If you manage to host the perfect barn wedding, that is.)
But the WORD says it has nothing to do with you. The Word says the covenant of marriage has everything to do with God. The Word says the journey of navigating a lifetime promise has everything to do with Jesus. And the only thing perfect for YOU in the equation is grace.
- See more at: http://www.moisom.com/faith/i-just-got-engaged-and-immediately-doubted-my-decision-heres-why-i-still-said-yes/#.Uw59DIWyVbe

The world says the person should be perfect for YOU. The ring should be perfect for YOU. The proposal should be perfect for YOU. The wedding should be perfect for YOU. And the Pinterest world will certainly praise YOU. (If you manage to host the perfect barn wedding, that is.)
But the WORD says it has nothing to do with you. The Word says the covenant of marriage has everything to do with God. The Word says the journey of navigating a lifetime promise has everything to do with Jesus. And the only thing perfect for YOU in the equation is grace.
- See more at: http://www.moisom.com/faith/i-just-got-engaged-and-immediately-doubted-my-decision-heres-why-i-still-said-yes/#.Uw59DIWyVbe

The world says the person should be perfect for YOU. The ring should be perfect for YOU. The proposal should be perfect for YOU. The wedding should be perfect for YOU. And the Pinterest world will certainly praise YOU. (If you manage to host the perfect barn wedding, that is.)
But the WORD says it has nothing to do with you. The Word says the covenant of marriage has everything to do with God. The Word says the journey of navigating a lifetime promise has everything to do with Jesus. And the only thing perfect for YOU in the equation is grace.
- See more at: http://www.moisom.com/faith/i-just-got-engaged-and-immediately-doubted-my-decision-heres-why-i-still-said-yes/#.Uw5634WyVbd

The world says the person should be perfect for YOU. The ring should be perfect for YOU. The proposal should be perfect for YOU. The wedding should be perfect for YOU. And the Pinterest world will certainly praise YOU. (If you manage to host the perfect barn wedding, that is.)
But the WORD says it has nothing to do with you. The Word says the covenant of marriage has everything to do with God. The Word says the journey of navigating a lifetime promise has everything to do with Jesus. And the only thing perfect for YOU in the equation is grace.
- See more at: http://www.moisom.com/faith/i-just-got-engaged-and-immediately-doubted-my-decision-heres-why-i-still-said-yes/#.Uw59DIWyVbe

Hello, Susan..it's me, God.

One of the only downsides to my job is that I am required to work every other weekend. Working on the weekends isn't ideal for many reasons. One of which is missing church half of the month. Now I know that I could make myself stay up and go to church even though I have been up all night, but it rarely happens. This makes it easy to get out of the habit of being a regular church attender. With all my faith related angst lately, I have decided to make church attendance on my non-working weekends mandatory. So, last Sunday, I got up, got the girls and myself ready, texted Jeff, who was at hockey with Matthew,  something along the lines of.."WE ARE GOING TO CHURCH.NO DISCUSSION." and we were off.  We got the kids settled into their respective classes, found our seats in the back, because that's where we like it and listened to the Pastor deliver his message. Nothing could have prepared me for the conviction and simultaneous closeness to God I felt. The Pastor spoke about Menessah, a man who was in all ways blessed with a great life and being raised by parents who wanted him to love and serve the Lord. Unfortunately, Menessah had horridly different plans and lived a life that was anything that was pleasing to the Lord. In fact, he was about as wretched as they come. I sat in my seat listening, and I will admit, that my mind may have wandered to the spaces of, "What are we going to have for lunch?" " What do we have going on this week?" etc. I started to feel guilty and then the Pastor talked about how it's easy to ignore warning signs in our own life. He spoke of examples and here's where it got eery. One of the examples was spot on to bad decisions I have made. I distinctly felt God whispering, "You. You are here today to hear this. Hear me." I literally got chills. It continues to amaze me how God never forsakes me. Even in the midst of me forsaking Him. I felt so unworthy but at the same time I also felt that God was saying, come back to the ways you know will lead you to me. I felt hopeful for the first time in months that all was not lost when it came to my faith. Since Sunday, I have made baby steps into making my everyday world filled with steps that bring me closer to God. Having a time to read devotional, praying for my needs, my husband, my kids, my world. Choosing God. How lucky I feel to serve a God that continues to pursue me. Actually, it's not luck at all. Grace, Amazing Grace, that's what it is.

$13 in beer bottles...

Did the title draw you in?:) One thing I hate about Jeff and I is that we are the world's biggest procrastinators. We will let some things go for much longer than I care to admit. Like the cupboard doors that have been off the kitchen cabinet for nearly two years, the broken snow blower, the missing mulching piece off the lawn mower (which means Jeff has to bag our horridly big yard, every time he mows!) and the list goes on and on. Today as I made my way through another procrastinated spot, the garage, the sight of the endless beer bottles was too much for me to take. I decided, with three kids finally back in school after THREE snow DAYS, that I could tackle this chore. I loaded them up and headed to return them. After all, there is nothing more satisfying than seeing the tally add up in the machine, and the satisfaction of seeing a pile of bottles magically turn into money in your pocket! By the end I had almost fifteen dollars. I set out to do the shopping for dinner and was proud to that for once when the clerk asked, "Do you have any coupons or bottle receipts?" I could say enthusiastically, "Why, yes, yes I do!!". Well of course, as is par for the course for me, I misplaced the biggest receipt somewhere in the midst of D&W and was left with two measly receipts for 40 cents. I lamented to the clerk, " I had $13! I did!" and then, sounding like a fore lorn three year old, sadly said, " But, I lost it." I tried to spin it positively in my head, thinking, "Someone who really needed the money for groceries probably found it!" But, the cynic in my is really thinking, "No, poor people would never come to this overpriced store, it's more likely a rich person buying liquor!" Bastards. In the end I decided to laugh it off and  to NEVER tell Jeff the truth for I'd never hear the end of it.
Of course I have to make this into a life lesson for the sake of this blog, right? I guess the lesson would be that this is the STORY of my life. All good intentions with no follow through and plenty of lost bottle receipts. Ahhh, such is life. Thankfully tomorrow is another day and thanks to Jeff and his love of raspberry shock top,  there will always be more bottles to return!

New Year blues

2014 has gotten off to a bit of a craptastic start. I will preface this post by saying that I know I am overwhelmingly blessed. We have all the important things one needs in life. Okay, now that I have gotten that out of the way, on to the moaning and groaning. It all began around Christmas. I wrote in my last post how I just couldn't seem to get my act together during the holiday season. I never did seem to catch the holiday spirit which really was hard for me because I am such a lover of all things Christmas. Christmas rolled into New Years and the funk has continued. I feel restless and generally discontent. Worst of all,  I am not sure of how to find my way out of this abyss. It's at times like this, when I am so very thankful for a partner like Jeff. Oh, how that man knows me. We've had some pretty good heart to heart talks these past few weeks. We've set financial goals and are trying our best to make a concerted effort to work on our marriage and being a stronger, more connected couple.  I read on a Momastery post that Glennon wrote about how when she got married her parents told her they wouldn't contribute much financially towards a big wedding because really you need to get ten years in to really celebrate. How those sentiments resonate with me. I told Jeff the other night, through a tearful mini-breakdown, that sometimes it seems like so much work to be an adult. With job stress, debt stress, kid stress, relationship stress, faith stress, it sometimes can seem like every day is a struggle. I long for those carefree days of youth.
I still feel like I am in a limbo of sorts when it comes to my faith. I have been searching my heart for answers to why I seem to always have issues with my faith. The most important step in reconciling it being going to God in prayer, daily, even when I feel like I am not worthy.
On top of this emotional angst there have been broken down cars and other issues that make it easy to become discouraged. Still, I know that things could be so much worse and feel grateful for the little blessings and encouragement that have come along the way. The kids are doing great. My husband loves me. I have a job I love. I have so many lifelong friends who I am able to call on a moments notice and twenty minutes later I feel hopeful and heard. Most importantly, I have God who I know, even through my doubts, longs for me to bring him all of my brokenness and put it back together, piece by piece. Here's to hoping for happier days in this new year..

Holy, Holy, Holy

I discovered a great version of one of my favorite hymns the other night. I have listened to it no less than 200 times since. I have always loved the words of "Holy, Holy, Holy". I have found myself listening to spiritual Christmas songs in general this holiday season. Perhaps it is my new job, but I feel this season I am more reflective than in the past.  One of the hardest parts of my job is having the fact that life is so very fleeting thrown at you. The enormity of life, death and all that falls between, is a reality I try and help patients and their families navigate. As much as I try and keep those harder cases and days seperate, it can't help but seep into my own reality. I have been examining my own choices, mistakes, failures (and some successes too)as the end of year draws near. I feel pretty distant from God lately. I think there are many reasons for this, all my own doing. God is always where He promises He will be, right here. I imagine him shaking his head, not unlike an earthly father, thinking to himself, "Oh dear girl." I am hopeful he still holds me dear, even amongst his disappointment. And so, in my spiritual angst, I cling to those songs, whose words bring me such comfort. Words like,

Holy, holy, holy!  Though the darkness hide thee,
 though the eye of sinful man thy glory may not see,
 only thou art holy; there is none beside thee,
 perfect in power, in love and purity.

That is what is awesome about having a faith in God. . His love is perfect. His power is perfect. 

My all time favorite Christmas hymn is "O Come O Come Emmanuel". 

I can barely make it though without tears. 

The lyrics that get me every time are..

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
I love that God chose a tiny baby to be a Savior. I love the hope and promise that comes from what happened in the stable all those years ago. I love that immediately after Christmas is a new year. The New Year offers many possibilites of what can be.  Of resolving to do better, be better, to try and maybe finally make things right.

Thankful 13..

Here is my annual top ten thankful list for 2013..

10. The way Ellie talks. She has come so far with her speech but she still says things like, "Me big now, just a wittle bit, me wuv you. Adorable, and one of things I know I will miss when she is grown.
9. Watching my kids play sports. Whether it's Caroline's fierce competitive nature or Matthew's perserverance with hockey, I love their enthusiasm when they are doing something they love.
8. My mother in law. She is one of the kindest, most selfless people I have ever met. She has helped us out immeasurably.
7. That the holistic, chiropractor treatments are working for our beloved neighbor, Sam Ekkens, who has a rare disease called plastic bronchitis. We love that little boy and are thankful for God's provision and faithfulness in his life.
6. Our home. Sure, there are things we wish we could replace or change, but we are very fortunate to have a place to rest our weary bones each night.
5. Our jobs. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have the job I do. I love it, even working nights!
4. Music, it can bring me out  of the worst mood and makes good times even better.
3. Marriage. Sure, there are things that are tough and times when it seems like all you are managing to do is survive, but I can't imagine life without a loving partner in crime like Jeff.
2. Friends, we've been blessed with some great ones!
1. Each day! I have learned, especially since I began working in an ER, that there is no guarantee that life won't change in an instant. It has certainly made me realize that it is important to count our blessings EVERY day.
Happy Thanksgiving friends! 

Caroline, age 7

Caroline turned seven on Saturday. I had to work all weekend, so I had arranged to have the birthday girl go to my parent's house in Chicago for the weekend. Caroline was spoiled all weekend by Grandma and Papa. She rode the train downtown to the American Girl store where she received the royal treatment! Caroline picked out Saige and brought home all sorts of accessories for her girl including crutches, and casts for her arm and leg! (It must have been a rough weekend for Saige!) Today she is bringing special "egg free" peace sign decorated cupcakes to school and tonight we're celebrating the birthday girl with pizza and cake with a family party! It was strange having our middle girl gone this weekend. The house had less pizazz as normal. When she arrived back yesterday afternoon, life seemed right again:) There are so many things I love about my girl. She is such a talented artist! I have really enjoyed seeing her artistic abilities flurish! She drew the most fantastic self-portrait of herself a few weeks ago. My mom loved it so much that she had it framed and it now hangs in our den! I know I will cherish it always! Caroline has always been strong willed, but we're seeing how that helps her achieve goals. When she is determined..watch out! She loves soccer and is pretty good. I love watching her competitive nature. Caroline continues to love everything to do with school. Her enthusiasm sometimes gets her into trouble, as she often has to be reminded not to "blurt" out answers and to let everyone have a turn. But, she is always on task and just can't stand not to share. She is definitely the middle child in regards to demanding attention at times, but it is easy to find plenty of things to praise her for! Caroline joined Daisy Scouts last year and enthusiastically participates. If I could pick one word to describe Sweet Caroline, enthusiastic would be it! Last year I picked a letter to describe Caroline for each letter of her name. Here is this year's addition...
C: colorful..
A: aggressive little soccer player. WATCH out!
R: rested! I still can't believe how easily that little girl is about going to sleep! She often will ask to go to bed and you never have to tell her to get back to it! She loves to sleep!
O: original. Whether it is her art work or the outfits she comes up with, all original Caroline!
L: loving!
I: innovative!
N: neat! Caroline loves to clean and is one of the best organizers around!
E: eager, to learn, to draw, to play soccer, whatever it is..Caroline is always eager! We love you sweet Caroline! Happy 7th birthday!

Ellie turns 4!

Today our Ellie is four! I know I always say I can't believe it when my kids turn another year older but it is true! Apparently time flies when you have a sweet, spunky, sassy gal in your home! Ellie is by far the most dramatic of my children. She loves to put her little hand on her hip and emphatically state whatever she happens to be thinking. She loves to pretend and often talks to her imaginary friend, "Anna" or her "boyfriend"! Dancing is another favorite activity and she will cut a rug anytime she hears some music! Ellie thinks she is one of the big kids and is never too far behind them wanting to do all they can do! She loves to color and draw and do her "homework"! Ellie is about to enter her second year of preschool. Last year she was in a special speech program at one of the elementary schools due to her speech delay, but this year she is in a regular preschool program at her daycare program. Ellie loves her sister and brother and often states, "They are my best friends ever!" She is a daddy's girl and adores her Grandma Barb and Betsy. She is fearless and will try anything. She loves to eat..especially corn! When I found out we were expecting Ellie, I couldn't imagine adding anymore to our already very full plates. Four years later, I can't imagine our lives without her. Happy birthday sweet little girl!!

Nostaglia

Warning..I am crafting this post in the midst of a seven day stretch of working. I usually only work 2 or 3 nights at a time. My take on seven is that while it hasn't totally sucked, I wouldn't want to make a regular habit out of it. The last two nights I have gone into work at 2 in the morning which is just bizarre and in many ways pointless. I feel like I want to call before going in, as to say, "Really, do you need me? Because my bed is looking pretty dang comfy!" Of course I don't do that, I make my way to my beloved ER :) (bit of an exaggeration) and settle in for a few hours of crisis intervention, mental health assessment, or whatever other randomness appears on our doorstep, and believe you me, we get some seriously random, strange things going on in the middle of the night.
Part of the reason that I was able to pick up this many shifts is that Jeff and the kids have been up with Jeff's family in Ludington, MI. They have had a wonderful time playing in the pool, riding go karts, playing with cousins, and making smores. All the ingredients that make childhood and especially being a child in Michigan during the summer glorious. I have really come to love our state lately. It really is so beautiful. The other night, in the midst of a horrid heat wave, I threw caution to the wind and packed us all up for an impromptu beach night in South Haven. South Haven is a great beach town a mere 45 minutes from Kalamazoo. It was the best decision I have made in a long time. The kids were great, the water felt perfect and as the sun set, seemingly by melting into Lake Michigan, it was one of those moments where you think, "Dang. Life is so freaking great." Then the kids got sand all over the car and it was back to reality:) Kidding, kind of.
This weekend, after the seven day stretch, I am taking my weary soul to my 20th high school reunion. Part of me is excited and part of me is a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of seeing individuals I haven't laid eyes on in twenty years. Thinking about seeing all of the this has me thinking about the transitions we make with our circle of friends, the people we do life with in any given moment or season. As I think back to 1993, I remember that we lived in Midland, MI and never in a million years did I think that my parents wouldn't live there for the rest of their lives. (not my first naive thought)  It is interesting to note that since 1993, they have lived in Canada, Texas, Florida and Illinois!  I knew without a doubt that my best friends  from high school, would always be my best friends. This I am proud to say, has held largely true. I am proud that I am the kind of girl and friend who tends to be pretty loyal. I am still very close with several of my high school girlies. But, in the last twenty years, I have had plenty of friendships come and go. I have met many people who I thought, we will be friends forever and then months later thought, good lord, no..never again. I have let go of some friendships where I realized that it shouldn't be so much work and effort to be in a friendship, and I have learned to let go of making this some one's fault. Things change, people change, jobs change, people get married, people get divorced, people move on. Sometimes these changes are sad and traumatic, but in my experience, mostly I love anticipating whose next. If I had never moved, I would not have met some of the greatest friends I have. I have no idea what any of this means or why I felt compelled to post about it? I blame the seven days and cumulative lack of sleep. Or maybe it was the double dose of the knock off Unisom?

Summer musings

Well, I have managed to survive six weeks of work without another "incident". I am learning the various job duties and responsibilities and finding my way. I really enjoy the work I am doing. It is challenging, demanding, hard, rewarding, and a priviledge. To be able to come along side individuals who are in difficult situations is what I have always liked about being a social worker. I am adjusting to working nights and as of now, I like it. The vibe in the hospital at night is laid back and working part time allows me to catch up on missed sleep and have time with the family too. Summer is in full swing here. The balance of the kids going to Curious Kids daycare two to three days a week, and being home and being able to hang out has been good. Ellie joined Matthew and Caroline at CK this summer and is love being with the "big kids". They have lots of fun activities, field trips and weekly visits to a lake for swimming. Jeff is planning on taking the kids to Silver Lake again for our annual vacation with his side of the family. I won't be able to join him this year as I have no vacation until August. The kids have already gone to Vacation Bible School and Caroline and Matthew both have camps planned, Caroline is going to the Springhill day camp she loved last year and Matthew is going to WMU's hockey camp. Poor Ellie gets to hang with mom for a few more years until she is old enough. Although if you ask her she will emphatically state, "ME BIG KID TOO!"
Matthew had his follow-up apt with the pediatric neurologist last week and we found out that his MRI did show an abnormality, even though we were initially told it was fine. He has something called a heterotopia on the right side of his cerebellum. It is very rare and it is hard to find out things about it. Basically it doesn't change much as far as how we are treating his symptoms, the heterotopia does offer additional explanation of some of his struggles though, and the neurologist feels he  still has mild cp. When I first heard this news, I will admit, I was freaked out. Mostly because I thought his MRI was fine and also because children who have heterotopias often develop a seizure issue in their teenage years. But, after talking with the neurologist and his pediatrician, I feel incredibly blessed. A heterotopia is basically a miscollection of cells that are found in the grey matter of the brain. Many children who have this die in utero or are born with profound impairments. Matthew is blessed. Sure, he struggles with some things, but he is a normal, happy, typical eight year old boy. We are so grateful that we continue to have the means to get him the assistance and support he needs to be all HE desires. I couldn't help but remember the sixth week of my pregnancy with Matthew as I have dealt with this new spin on his diagnosis. Due to several issues with my blood work, spotting and the OB/GYN not being able to find a heartbeat, they recommended I schedule a D and C. I refused and pleaded with them to wait a week and they agreed. I remember this all happened over the Labor Day holiday and I was so terrified and scared that we had lost out little baby. I have never been as happy as when I saw that little blip of a heartbeat, going strong on the screen. Our baby, our Matthew, was a fighter. He has forged his own way, even from the beginning. We're so thankful to be blessed with our incredibly unique, sweet son!