Updates

I haven't posted since New Year's Eve! Time has flown it seems in the past two months! The weather has been strange ,but nice! Mild! I know that says something larger about the state of our climate and its decline, but it is easy to push that out of your mind when you're basking in 60 degrees in February!
We have a had a pretty good season thus far. Life is keeping us busy with sports. Matthew's hockey team has suffered some tough losses after a winning first part of the season. It has been interesting to help him navigate his feelings surrounding this new world of maturing he's in. Matthew has turned into our serious, never wanting to do anything wrong, sometimes overly anxious kid. What I love about him though is he talks to me about it all. I want to soak this up because I know it could all go to hell in a hand basket next year. He's such a thoughtful kid. An old soul and so much like me in so many ways. I try and encourage him to just live and follow his instincts because they are pretty darn good and I want him to learn to trust them! He knows what is good and right and I believe that he will make his way in middle school and beyond! Speaking  of that, I can hardly believe this kid is done with grade school! It really does seem like he was just born! Mom's of littles believe me ....it flies!! I called moms like me LIARS ,but there was so much truth in their words! Caroline is plugging away in 4th grade! She has grown so much this year! Both emotionally and physically! I swear she might end up to be 6 feet tall! I realized this past teacher conference that she was struggling some in math and I found myself shocked! I am realizing that just when I think I have my sweet girl figured out, I don't. I am trying to take my time and be more thoughtful in my approach with my middle girl. She has so many gifts and talents to offer the world. I love watching her discover who she is! Speaking of her talents, Caroline is becoming one talented soccer player! Ellie has come into her own this past few months. Confident. She finally stopped pushing against her "repeat year", and has embraced it with gusto. She is definitely a third born youngest. Sometimes a rule follower, sometimes a rebel, but always a snuggler which gets mom and dad hook, line,and sinker almost every time! Ellie is chatty, and I love having time alone with her to discuss various topics and to listen to her interpretation on things she  has discovered in her world. I feel like I am the most patient with her sometimes, and that makes me sad because really, I need to treasure every stage that my three kids are in and show patience and grace to all of them in the the ways they individually need . It seems to be easiest with the little one though as it seems so final. Oh, the lessons that parenting continues to teach me.
Work...work is hard lately. Lots of demands.  Many opportunities have come my way and that is exciting. Largely work is good ,but some of my interactions are very difficult. I will see it though because I am realizing more and more  through the adversity that I love the actual work. Helping those with  chronic and life limiting disease is what makes me get up in the morning. It is an honor and the rest, well, it's all just noise that I must learn to tune out to do the important work I am so fortunate to be able to do.
Jeff and I are coming up on fourteen years of marriage this April. This year has been so good and sweet after a difficult season. I appreciate and love him more and more. Small group continues to ground us, the Lord continues to stretch  and bless us. Life, on March 1, 2017 is pretty darn sweet.

2017

It is New Year's Eve...it is nearly 11pm. One hour until a new year is upon us. There are so many things that are scary as hell about 2017. Trump. Tweeting. Tweening.  How do you like that alteration? I know so many people are so discouraged about what 2017 will bring. I am not. 2016 was the first year ever that I actually saw my resolutions through. I am a better person tonight than I was a year ago. I have made significant changes in my life and I have seen the positive changes it has made. I am so glad for every hard moment that I had to get to this moment. It has strengthened my faith and made me realize how much grace and redemption I have been blessed to receive. There is certainly work to be done. Coming to terms to with the  behaviors that led me to where I was. Appreciating every blessing I have. Waking up everyday and feeling grateful, even when the circumstances of my life don't necessarily point that attitude. Now that I feel I have a good spiritual footing, 2017 will be devoted to wellness! While all is well with my soul these days..health wise I am a mess. Eating like there isn't a care in the world about what fuels my body, bloated, yuck. I know better but yet I know this will always be a struggle. I like food and I like the easy way out...a horrible combination when you also struggle with the concept of moderation. I usually have this happen every few years, being totally fed up and disgusted with myself and I change my ways for a good six months. But, I always find my way back to this state(gluttony and indifference). I have faith that I can change this with the right approach. The good thing about having a great 2016 is that it has you believing you can transfer the skills you used to accomplish 2016's goal to 2017's! I believe!!! Really, I have nothing to lose..ha ha..the pun! Really I have everything to lose and can not continue to gain!!
Every post this year has spoken to all we've left behind. The toxic behaviors and people. The poor choices. Leaving that behind has definitely shown me that this lesson is applicable to all struggles I have. The easy path will never produce any lasting fruit. It will wilt, it may taste good at the time, but the after taste is the most bitter you will ever taste and experience.
Financial freedom is another goal of mine and ALWAYS of Jeff's. He is so wise. He is so patient but I need to buckle down because I am desperate to leave our house. It has served us well in the nearly 12 years we've lived here but we are ready for change. Our girls need their own space. We need a bit more space and distance from some mistakes that we do not need daily reminders of. So, I will forgo the things I feel are needs because they are really wants. We have more than enough. We can conquer this and move on to a better space for our family and a place where our souls can rest easy without constant reminders of the crap we've left behind. Will me miss most of our neighbors, certainly. But, moving on is best for every single person in our family.
So many things will happen in 2017..Matthew will move on from elementary school to middle school. Caroline will start her last year of elementary. Ellie will continue to find her way in 2nd grade. I will negotiate an interesting work life and find my way.  Jeff will continue to struggle with his role and where is his future is headed. We will live our everyday lives. I have so much gratefulness for the mundane. Life is good when you know your life is normal. I work with people everyday who have to negotiate a new normal and thus I appreciate worrying about trivial things such such as how will Matthew cope with 6th grade, will Caroline hate me when she is a teenager, did we make the right decision when we held Ellie back? Because in the end, we are mostly happy, healthy and together. What I learned in 2016 is that Team Simpson sticks together and there is NO other team I'd ever want to be on!!!
Happy New Year!!! We can do 2017!!!!

Christmas Eve

We are a few hours from Christmas. What a wonderful season it has been for us. We've had lots of fun but have also taken the time to enjoy it all. Intentional. That is what I will remember about this holiday season. Enjoying my decorations, my tree, my family, and all my many other blessings. Feeling so grateful for this sweet spot we find ourselves.
One thing that really saddens me is that Matthew is totally suspicious  of Santa. All of his friends don't believe and he continues to ask us but you can see it in his face and his eyes through tears, that he's not ready to know. I was about to tell him a few weeks ago but I couldn't do it. Too many things are bombarding our boy right now. He's right on the cusp of boy to tween. He's struggling to find his way in all of that. I love that he comes to me to discuss all of his fears and thoughts. I know it is such a gift. And so, given all he's told me, I know if we told him, right now, that we are Santa, it would crush him. Jeff and I decided we will tackle this, together, in the New year. Oh my, growing up does suck sometimes doesn't it?
We are prepared for Christmas and for the first time ever, we aren't wrapping until the wee hours of the morning. We've spent the day with family, Jeff took the kids with his sister to do some fun activities that she gifts them for Christmas. Rock climbing for the big kids and Bounceland for the littles. I am struggling with a wicked cold and used the time to rest some and wrap a lot. Our plans were a bit jostled at the last minute and with mom feeling like crap and a house full of people arriving tomorrow afternoon we decided on a family favorite, Chinese! Well, everyone's favorite except Caroline who happily ate her Wendy's. As I watched everyone eat their respective food I felt truly happy and thankful. We are blessed. Yes, 2016 was hard and we all know that 2017 will surely throw us some doozies! But, I am hopeful. I believe in the hope and redemption that the little baby who was born all those years ago in a manger brings. He can make all things new. I have experienced it fully in 2016. I  will move forward  to whatever comes my way knowing my God will never waiver. If I continue to seek Him and His ways my life won't necessarily be easy but it will bearable.
Wishing you and yours the Merriest of Christmases and Happy Holidays and a bright and HOPEFUL New Year. We can do this. One day at a time. Heck, maybe one minute at a time.

Thankful 2016

We are just one week away from Thanksgiving! I will have you know that it was 70 degrees here in Michigan today! It has been one of the loveliest falls I can remember.  I am certainly thankful for awesome fall weather! So, when I think of all the things that I enjoy about blogging, this list is certainly at the top of the list. I went through past "lists" the other week and oh my, what a walk down memory lane. The same themes are present: faith, friends and kids but the stories, they evolve and change right along with us I suppose. So..here goes it for November 2016

10. A great boss. I appreciate how fortunate I am to be supported by an awesome manager in my work place. I have had plenty of previous jobs where this isn't the case and it is horrible. I really can't imagine juggling the already difficult task of full time mom/wife and MSW without a supportive manager!
9. Netflix. This always seems to make the list. My days can be long and oh, so sad. To be able to retreat to the comfort of my bed and unwind with a show truly is one of my top forms of self-care. I can forget about death and dying, abuse and neglect, injustice and politics and escape to some of my favorite places through Netflix!
8. Small group. We've been involved with our group for over a year now and it continues to bless us beyond measure. Not only do we grow together in our faith but we have so much fun! This summer we went camping and last weekend we raked leaves for some folks and it was a blast.
7. My kid's teachers. Our kids go to a wonderful school where the teachers really pour their hearts and souls into our children's education. They are with our children more than we are and I couldn't ask for better role models!
6. Co-workers. I love so many of the people I work with. We share the same sick sense of humor and the same struggles. We trust each other and we get each other through the toughest of days.
5. My new car! In February I got a new Ford Explorer and lordy be do I LOVE driving a new car. After driving an old car for years I do not take one drive in my car for granted!!
4. Having more than enough. It is so easy these days to play the comparison game. The truth is I am blessed beyond measure but I can be the biggest brat when it comes to always wanting more. JUST ASK MY ACCOUNTANT!
3. That brings me to my accountant, aka my JEFF. My everything. The one who keeps me real and loves me, just as I am. What more could a girl ask for?
2. My kids. Matthew, my first born, rule following, thoughtful, sports obsessed, funny, only boy. Caroline, my feisty, smart, artistic, organized, friendly, funny, creative middle girl. Ellie, my lovable, sweet, determined, sometimes hesitant and always snugly baby girl. They are the reason I do anything and honestly, they have revealed every short coming I have ever had. I am a better person or at least trying to be a better person because of these three. I pray everyday that I am not screwing it up too badly and pray daily for grace for the task I have been given.
1. Faith. This will always be my number one because it is my everything. Everything I do or don't do is impacted in some way by my faith. 2016 was the year in which I always want to remember that I found my way back. I stopped ignore that still, small voice that was trying to tell me that I wasn't the best wife, mom, friend, christian I could be. I am thankful for ALL of the lessons that 2016 held, even the incredibly tough ones. Some days my faith in my God and His promises of forgiveness and redemption were the ONLY things that got me through. With all that is going on in the world today, I am so THANKFUL that I am right with my God and my faith. Something tells me I am going to need it, in different ways, in 2017..and beyond.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Take the time to think of what you are thankful for, what you cherish, what you value. Love your people, and tell them that! Enjoy the blessings and your life and find ways to help those who may have less than you. That's my Thanksgiving advice for 2016!

A big ol'break

Hello! I haven't been blogging much lately. That's because life is CRAZY! Soccer, hockey, work, laundry, cleaning, sleeping..repeat! It seems it was just Labor Day and now it is Halloween! Life happens fast. Lately I have been feeling slightly nostalgic about that. For example this week I have been running around costuming our kids, going to our church's trunk or treat, getting the kids ready early this morning for their school parties and then tonight the Harvest Party. While it can be exhausting and admittedly the last thing I want to do after a long week of work, I tried to cherish it. These moments are flying by. I KNOW I will miss these moments. So, instead of wishing it to go by, I tried to really enjoy my babies. Matthew who dressed up like Jake from State Farm, Caroline a Ghostbuster and Ellie a Zombie cheerleader. They had fun, they looked cute, and yes, I will admit, it was busy but fun week.
Tonight I chatted with a friend who I haven't seen in awhile. She asked me, "How are things?" I answered her with most of the normal chit chat that one does when you haven't seen someone in awhile. But, as I sit and really contemplate that question, I think I'd say, "Things are awesome."  Our family was in a very hard place for a very long time. Now, with considerable distance between where we were and where we are now, can I see how truly off the beaten path we (and by that I mean mostly me) were. We lost our footing. We lost our focus. We lost our purpose. Surving life got in the way of truly LIVING life.  Our faith was muddy to say the least.  Truly, a year ago, I couldn't imagine a life without the chaos that I had created. It had become my norm. So many lessons we've learned in this year. I'd like to say I can't wait to see 2016 go ,but really its been the best year of my life. It has been the year where I have really come into my own in my work life. I love what I do. I am passionate about patients and families understanding their healthcare and their choices. I love my family. It is a big old mess most of the time but it is my mess. The other night I overheard Jeff and Ellie talking and I thought to myself..this is what I always wanted. I remember meeting Jeff and knowing instantly he'd be the best dad. I have never been more right. In addition he happens to be the most understanding husband and best match for me that I could ever imagine! Jeff Simpson is the best decision I have ever made. Content. That's what I am feeling. Sure, there is still so much work to do. We have miles to go before we sleep. But, I no longer wake up feeling anxious and yucky ALL THE TIME. I rarely second guess myself and feel that I have surrounded our family and myself with people who ADD value. Compared to the last three years of life..it is BLISS,
The kids are doing good. Caroline is doing well in fourth grade. She has a great teacher and a good group of kids. She had a great fall soccer season and is looking forward to indoor. Matthew, our fifth grader continues to tolerate school. He really misses his teacher from last year. But, I am realizing that my boy doesn't really like change. He is full throttle into hockey and doing well. Ellie, who is repeating first grade has struggled some. My confidant girl has become more anxious about going to school. I definitely underestimated how much she would miss her friends from last year. However, academically Ellie is doing well and we are confident that, in time, she will find a new friend group  and be just fine.
Jeff and I are still involved in our small group from church and continued to be blessed by the fellowship and accountability this group has given us.
We are looking forward to the coziness of the upcoming seasons of spending time with family at Thanksgiving and Christmas. We are thankful for new friendships and the grace that God has allowed in letting go of what wasn't meant to be. Life is good and God, most certainly is.  

Summer wrap up

The other day I was reading a blog where the mom did a recap of what her kids were up to.  I like that idea and haven't really done that much in the past year. Times flies and I can barely remember last week let alone last year! I thought this would be a good way to remember what my little hooligans were like in August of 2016.
Matthew..age 11, about to enter fifth grade. I can hardly believe this boy is entering his last year of elementary school. He is not exactly a fan of school and would love everyday to be a stay at home day. He's a homebody and is most comfortable hanging out here. Matthew has a great group of buddies and I am so thankful for that. I pray that he continues to foster these relationships. One of things I worry most about with my kids is who their friends are. Friends can make or break you. Matthew loves sports! He is a little encyclopedia of sports facts. He especially loves the Tigers, Cubs, Lions, and Red Wings. Matthew is gearing up to play hockey again. He is a little sad this year to start again because many of his buddies from his beloved last year's team have moved on to different teams. He had such an amazing experience last year. His team won a lot, he developed his skills and we had some of the best kids and parents you could hope for. So many people inquire why we invest so much money and time into hockey? I am quick to defend this costly and investment of time sport because it has done so many wonderful things for our boy. Matthew has learned so many lessons and gained so much self confidence through his years of playing hockey. Matthew's personality has really blossomed over this past year. He is funny, thoughtful, kind and has a great laid back attitude most of the time. That being said, he can tend to error on the side of lazy and if you try and get him to do something he doesn't want to you start to see a "tweenager"attitude. But, overall, Matthew is really a joy to be around. He still loves to chat with me and don't tell him I told the blog world but he will still give me a hug and kiss before going anywhere!  I am proud of the young man he's become.
Caroline, age 9, nearly 10, is about to enter fourth grade. Caroline is one of the most creative people I have ever met. She can create a story, video, project out of nothing. Caroline is smart and driven, especially when she is motivated. Something I will remember about her from this summer is her soccer tryout experience. Caroline had been playing for a club for the past two years but this year they did not have enough kids for two teams and she was cut. Rather than give up and throw the towel in with soccer, she decided to go out for another team, the day after she was cut. She was not dismayed and showed her new team that she has what it takes to be a part of their team. I can see a change in her over the past few weeks since practices have begun. She wants to work on her skills and impress her coaches. Caroline can really accomplish anything she sets her mind to. She is the most fabulous organizer! She can clean like nobody's business! Caroline is independent and that certainly serves his well in many circumstances but she is also incredibly stubborn. This has been a constant source of strife for us over the years and I have especially struggled with this trait over the summer. Sometimes she is just relentless and it can be frustrating. However, we are determined not to break our dear girl's spirit. She has so much potential and I'll be damned if I am the one that squashes her will. It will always be a work in progress, Caroline and I. That girl has taught me so much about myself and definitely about my shortcomings. Caroline will have the same teacher that Matthew had last year. I love Mrs. Konkel and think she will be an excellent match for our Sweet Caroline.
Ellie, is less than a week away from turning 7! SEVEN!! How can that be? It really does seem like yesterday that she surprised us all with her early arrival! Ellie is full of life. She is dramatic and girlie and loves to act much older than she is. We are going to have to keep tabs on this one for sure. Ellie struggled a bit last year in first grade and after thoughtful consideration, we've decided she will repeat first grade. Academically Ellie struggled with reading last year but ,honestly, she's come leaps and bounds. We've continued with a tutor this summer who is a retired reading specialist. Ellie adored her and despite the challenges she's faced with reading, she's continued to persevere and I am happy to report she loves to read! She is so proud of how far she's come and so are we! This year Ellie has a teacher that Matthew also had in first grade. She is an excellent teacher and I think she will compliment Ellie well and challenge her during this "extra" practice of a year. The other day a friend asked Ellie what grade she was entering and Ellie proudly said, " I am going to do first grade again, I need a little extra time." That's exactly right sweet girl! Ellie is thrilled to be turning seven and can not wait to get a new bike and her ear's pierced! Ellie is playing AYSO soccer this fall and can't wait to start
This summer we've had a great "manny" who has held tight with these somewhat challenging Simpson kids. Christian was fun and laid back and held his own with those little girls! We will all miss him. We are excited to get back into our routines. Wait, who am I kidding, mom and dad are excited for earlier bedtimes and regular activities to resume. We're excited to watch them compete in soccer and hockey. This summer we did lots of fun things like our trip to Silver Lake, camp Grandma in Chicago for the big kids, real tent camping with our small group from church, bonfires and swimming with friends. We've made new friends and in many ways are the happiest we've been in years. Sure we struggle.Usually daily with this, that or the other thing. We are all works in progress. But, we are determined to keep on working on it,whatever IT may be!

Summer 16

 We are more than half way through this summer..boo!! I admit, I used to be the mom who hated summer. It meant chasing toddlers around, and never feeling like I had a moment to myself. But now, eleven years in, it means no homework, no sports, no lunches to pack, no making sure planners are signed..it is bliss! Even though I work full time, the pace of summer is a welcome reprieve from the rest of the year! The kids have a fabulous sitter name Christian who is going to be a sophomore at MSU! He is the perfect mix of laid back and fun and my kids love him. Jeff and I are plugging away at work and it is busy for both of us so the break from the rest of the stress of the year is welcomed!
I feel at peace this summer. We are on track, for the first time in years. We are in a good place in our lives and in our marriage. It doesn't seem like it's all work. Instead it seems like a comfortable routine. I love evenings spent on our deck chatting away with the kids and Jeff. The past few years were full of drama and lots of unnecessary yuck.  I realize now much of this was much of my own doing. I am so grateful for God's provision and protection. Even when I was far, far away from Him, He stood by me and I am not sure I will ever be able to fully comprehend that kind of grace. I have made and fostered some incredible relationships in the past year. I have realized that life is indeed too short for bullshit and anything that doesn't make you a better person. We spent far too long on the wrong path. I love being on a path I feel God has ordained. Life certainly isn't easy but it is hopeful.
We are slowly gearing up for fall. Hockey, soccer for both girls, travel for Caroline. Ellie trying her hand at first grade again. New routines and new adventures. We aren't quite ready for the loveliness of summer to be over just yet. We will soak up all the pool and beach days,sleeping in, hanging out and staying in our jammies all day, that we can get. For we know that just around the corner is math homework and practices and tournaments and rushing, rushing, rushing. It feels good, this place we are at, and so we will soak it all in for a little while longer. Here's hoping your summer is lovely as well!!

Lucky 13

 Tomorrow Jeff and I celebrate thirteen years of marriage. I thought to honor the occasion I would make a list of the 13 things I know about marriage thus far into our endeavor.

13. What idealistic idiots we were 13 years ago. Well, mainly me, I am sure Jeff, in his wisdom ,knew what he was getting himself into! I definitely had no idea how much work marriage can be.
12. Waiting a few years to have kids may have been the smartest thing we ever did. We were able to do many things that make being a married adult suck less now(like running kids around to a billion sporting events, helping with homework, and did I mention those kids expect three meals a day!??)
11. Being friends with your spouse is a good idea. Jeff and I were friends for almost five years before we tied the knot.  We lived separate lives but doing things together as friends has afforded us a bond that is pretty strong.
10. Like who you marry. If I weren't married to Jeff, I know I would love to be his pal. He is just a good, decent guy. The more I live in this world, the more I realize they are sadly hard to come by!
9. Laugh, good Lord, laugh. Some days you want to cry at the weight of it all. Adulting is so hard after all. I can't tell you how much a good laugh with Jeff cheers me up!
8. Making time for us. I am pretty decent about making date nights and couple nights a priority for us. Get away from those kids, stop talking about hockey, well, okay, if you can't stop talking about hockey, at least do it with some other adults! Go away for the weekend. Invest in the "we"!
7. Don't take your spouse for granted. The grass is never greener on the other side. In fact, that grass most certainly has hidden slugs! Be grateful for what you've been given and know that you can suck too. Don't even make giving up an option!
6. You don't wake up everyday thinking, "God, I just can't get enough of this man." Sadly, no. But, do I wake up every morning thinking, "Thank you God for blessing me with a partner like Jeff!" Yes! And I can say the days I don't, I make myself think of all the ways he blesses my life!
5. Surround yourself with like minded individuals. We have been focusing on this a lot lately and it has made such a positive impact in our marriage!
4. Forgive. Jeff is pretty much an expert at this. Grace, grace, grace and more grace.
3. Pray with and for each other. Every day.
2. Make God and your relationship with Him the focus of all you do. That, makes all the difference.
1. Finally, luck has nothing to do with it. Marriage, 13 years in looks like a lot of work, plenty of devotion, laughing everyday and plenty of grace thrown in for good measure.
I love you Jeff!

Grateful

I am overwhelmed tonight by my gratefulness. There are so many reasons that I am feeling grateful. I feel like for the first time in a long time that I have a handle on this little life of mine. I feel like my faith and relationship are where they need to be for the first time in forever. Changes I have made have stuck. Amen! Bad habits are being broken and remain broken. Broken relationships are being repaired where there needs to be healing and some breaks I am learning are best left alone.
Spring is coming..maybe this weekend? ! A new season and I am embracing it. I feel hopeful for the first time in a few years. I am realizing how much I was living for myself and not in the way my faith and my God have intended. I never want to go back to that kind of living. Uggh, I realize now how horrible it was. Life will never be perfect. Life is hard. In fact my heart breaks for all the suffering I see and the help I try my best to offer in my personal and work life. But, I have hope that if I stay on this path, those who need me, will get the best of me. I like the best of me. It feels so much better. I am grateful for the friends who have stuck with me and pray for me and with me. After all, hanging in there with me is no small feat. I am grateful for my husband whose love has never wavered in the thirteen years we've been married. Even when I have been quite unlovable. I am grateful for my kids who are always accepting of my apologies when I lose my crap over making toast(true story). I am grateful for my sister who always has wisdom and humor for me. I am grateful for our small group. Coming together every other week has much to do with the success I have had with getting myself and my faith back! I am grateful for my job that reminds every single day that this life is so precious and we never know what tomorrow will bring. Grateful, yes, that is me.

2016...and 11 years of NOT keeping resolutions.

The holidays are nearly over. I am sad. I have really enjoyed this holiday season. Even with the mild, non-Christmasey weather that seemed to keep many people's Christmas spirit away, I loved almost every minute. The decor, the twinkling lights, the time with family, the magic of Christmas morning, our traditions. We went to my sister's house on the 23rd and Matthew and I joined my parents and Jenn's (my sister)family at Christmas Eve mass. I love mass..I am pretty sure I am a closeted Catholic! When were sitting there waiting, because my sister is a good, regular attending Catholic and we arrived nearly ONE HOUR ahead of time, my mom was lamenting about those we know that have lost loved ones this year. My mom made the statement, " I am sure so and so had no idea that last Christmas was the final one they would spend with their loved one. We should all remember that!" I smiled and said, "Oh, mom! Please! I am a palliative care social worker!, I think about that all the time!:  And even before that, every Christmas since I was about 11 I have thought, "Who won't be here next Christmas?" Morbid? Yes! But, that's how this girl has always rolled and really I think it is what draws me to my career. I think about things like how death will forever alter celebrating things like Christmas all the time and I always have. I think at some points in my life, this morbid take on life and death has been detrimental. But, as I get older, I think that I have learned to really respect the fragile state that is this life. Everything you know to be your reality can literally change in a moment. I know that it is unlikely that that will be my reality or yours but I want to savor all this life has to offer me. I want to enjoy my kids and my Christmases before the bitterness of losing a loved one taints it for a year or years. I want to rejoice and praise the years we've had good health and good fortune. I want to strive to have New Year's resolutions that will ensure that the next Christmas I will be just a merry. I want to work on my faith and relationship with Christ so that when life and death happens, I can go on. I can learn to love and celebrate again..not merely exist.
There are so many things I hate about how I live this life. I am disappointed in so many of the ways I am choosing to live my life. If the world really knew the mistakes I have made in the past five years I am sure they would be pretty disgusted. Alas, I can't change any of it. It is who I am. That is the progress I have made. To own ME. I am flawed and messed up. I will try and try again to redeem myself but I will always fall short. That can be somewhat discouraging as I face another year. Part of me is thinking.."Please, woman, you will do what you have always done. Don't even try." But, then there is the part of me that seeks something better, something holier. That part says.."God can redeem anything, any PART, any UGLINESS. Come clean." And so, I am. I believe in that part, in that power.
I have had this blog for eleven years. So THERE! I can stick with something. I can make good choices. It's just hard for me. I struggle. Forty years of living has taught me that nearly all of us do in some way! I have many resolutions for this year but above them all is to COME CLEAN. To own my ugliness, ask for help, pray for mercy, seek holiness, surround myself with goodness. 2016..I am coming for you!

Messy messes

Ellie had a "family" stocking project. Get ready for some brutal honesty but when I saw that damn stocking come home in her folder with the instructions.."Do not use markers, crayons, or pencils" "Be creative use twigs, ribbon, buttons, etc" I thought to myself.."What the HELL?!" I can barely get our arses to school each morning in clean clothes, with our homework done, lunches packed! And now I have to come up with the time and materials for a "winning stocking." Ellie nagged me for over a week about the stocking. "Mommy!" she pleaded.."We have to do the stocking! Everyone else did their stocking!" I was shamed by the stocking! So, yesterday, I sent Caroline to the neighbors for glue, because of course we didn't have any to start in our stocking.  By the way, back in September I designated a drawer for school/art supplies and the Simpson kids have blown that to hell. Anyways, Caroline, Ellie and I sat down and embarked on decorating the dang stocking yesterday. I looked in the pantry and found raisins, sprinkles, candy canes and a glitter pen. Perfect! I thought. We were hard at work and when we finished, I proudly surveyed our masterpiece and thought. YES! That is worthy of the other kid's stockings. Mrs Rumora, Ellie's first grade teacher, might think I am delinquent but boy, this stocking was worth the wait!! Fast forward to this morning when Ellie ran to its "safe, drying spot" and found a runny, NOT dried, raisins were too heavy, this stocking which was glorious last evening, now SUCKS!" Ellie looked at me with dismay in her eyes and said..."Mommy, this is a mess!" Jeff looked at me silently, with judging eyes that screamed.."What the hell were you thinking with the raisins and green, sugar sprinkles that seemingly melted into the glue making a BIG, GREEN, MESS?" How did I react? I got creative! I would not be dismayed by our stocking mess! I quickly devised a plan. Get a Harding's bag sweet girl, we will put in there to continue to dry and tomorrow, I am sure, Mrs. Rumora will be able to hang it! She was fine with it, Jeff humored me and I haven't heard anything from Ellie's sainted teacher so I am assuming our messy stocking will find its place in the first grade hallway!
I have been thinking a lot lately about Christmas and the gift we all received all those years ago in the manger. Jesus came amidst the mess and was born in a messy, stinky stable to redeem us. He can make good of any mess we've created. He sees our well intended stocking plans and wants to help us right our wrongs. What a gift! Every year I find myself in awe of the God I am so privileged to serve. I can never make too many messes for Him. It has taken me the good part of forty years to process that truth. Christ will always seek me. He wants all of me and you, even the messy parts! Amen! I can't think of happier reason to celebrate Christmas than that! Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a less messy New Year!

Thankful Top Ten 2015

My annual list of things I am thankful. In the 10 years I have been writing this blog, these thankful posts are some of my favorite to look back on! I hope you have a wonderful day of eating lots of yummy foods, relaxing and appreciating all the good things in your life!

10. NETFLIX..seriously brings me such comfort. I love having a multitude of shows at my disposal! Especially on the days where I am feeling blue or anxious.  A few favorite episodes of Gilmore Girls or Mad Men allow me to escape my real world to Stars Hollow or to feel like my life is far better than Don Draper's!
9. Coffee..it gets me going and keeps me at it when my body is all..I can't even.
8. My home..sure, there are about a million things I wish I could change or update but this home has been so good to us. We are making memories here. Within these walls, for better or worse, life happens to the Simpsons on Carnoustie Street!
7. My car, this one is hard because I really do hate it. But, I also love not having a car payment. Our van's days are numbered and I am trying hard to love her till the end! Sure, she's a little tattered, her doors don't open automatically anymore, her rust is abundant. But, she gets us to all the places we need to go!
6. Friendships..I have realized throughout this year, that I have so many good girlfriends who I can count on!
5. My kids..they can sure be spicy but they have lots of sweetness too. Appreciating them for who they are, that is my new focus.
4. Jeff. I love this man so much and am loved unconditionally by him. Thankful, thankful, thankful.
3. Marriage. I feel like I spent much of the past few years taking my marriage for granted. I am so thankful that I "woke up" and realized that marriage is a blessing and needs daily work and love to make it through. I love having a partner to help me navigate this crazy world.
2. Health. Working with people who are dying makes me aware everyday that tomorrow is never guaranteed and that everything you thought you knew can change in a moment. Live life to the fullest, everyday.
1. Faith...Jesus. I have realized this year that I am serve a God who will relentlessly pursue me. He has, through it all, every stupid mistake, every bad decision, every day I have chosen to do what I wanted to do,even though I knew it was the wrong path, continued to pursue me. It makes me sad to think of my God, sitting there thinking, "Oh, sweet girl, please stop this insanity." I am thankful for a church, small group and Christian friends who I am able to confide in with my struggles and say.."Help!"
 HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

LPS

The kids got their report cards this week. I will admit, I get a wee bit nervous when I know they are coming. I pretty much know how they are doing based on the papers that are sent home every week. I know that Matthew hates math but is a whiz a reading. I know Caroline is a whiz at just about everything but usually rushes through to make sure she is the FIRST ONE DONE and therefore makes careless mistakes. I know Ellie continues to struggle with reading but tries her darndest and is also a whiz at math! I assume my kids are above average to average in behavior because I have yet to hear from the principal :) But still, I worry...because that is what I do. My kids are also anxious to find out how they are measuring up. They scan those cards for their scores. In our school the kids are graded with the measurements of three standards, LPS(limited progression towards standards)
PS( progressing toward standards) and MS (Meets Standard). Matthew wants all MS's but to be honest, he is fine with a PS or two. Caroline is very dismayed if she gets anything other than all MS's. And Ellie, she's pretty much clueless about this grading business and just carries on with her bright, happy, determined attitude. The Simpson kids have some LS's on their cards this semester. At first I was irritated when I saw it. To be honest, I felt it reflected poorly on me as a parent. It's as if the LS is saying.."Yes, Jeff and Susan Simpson, your child is sucking at this and really, it is ALL YOUR FAULT." But, as I gave myself sometime to process it and think about the areas where my child is still limited in their progression, I found that limited progress is still progress as long as you're still moving towards meeting whatever standards are set before you. Ellie may have a received a LS in one aspect of reading but girlfriend is rocking out other areas! In this day and age of the tremendous pressure to always be above average at absolutely everything you do, it can be very tempting to feel overwhelmed by all of the ways in which you just don't measure up. Whether that be in math, reading or we can carry that over into our adult lives where impossible standards can drive a mommy bonkers! I can't do it all, I can't be it all. What I have learned in my forty plus years of living and holding myself to impossible standards is that you miss so many opportunities when the standards you are trying to obtain are not worthy of your time and energy.
Now, don't get me wrong, I recognize that my children need to learn that you do need to strive to meet the highest standard possible. I want Ellie to be good a reading so she can experience the joy of getting lost in the story of a great book! I want Caroline to learn that being first is not everything and being mindful will serve her well in so many things other than academics. I want Matthew to feel good about himself despite the struggles he faces daily due to his cerebral palsy.
I want Jeff and I to make choices for ourselves and our family that help encourage behaviors that lend themselves to the kids being successful students. Reading time that is relaxed, family game nights, less screen time, less yelling, less busyness. There are many areas where the Simpsons would certainly score a limited progress towards standards! But, there are many areas where we are certainly PROGRESSING. Regular church attendance, regular volunteering at church, small group and book clubs with friends who share our same values. Filling our times with things that are good and help us progress not limit us in being all we are meant to be! That can be hard as old habits die so very hard. (Especially if you are Mommy Simpson). But, one of the most important lessons I want my children to remember from their childhood is that you will always be loved, no matter how you measure up against the standards our family has set forth. We can't always meet expectations. We screw up. We believe in grace and forgiveness and always in the power of tomorrow being an opportunity to turn it all around.

Things I know for sure..

1. I work with some of the most supportive people. Work has been challenging, sometimes beyond what I feel I can bear lately. I have felt such love from my fellow social workers, providers, nurses, case managers, etc.
2. Jeff.is.awesome. That man knows how to chill his crazy, anxious wife out with a few sentences. Man of  few words, my husband, but the ones he picks, powerful. So thankful for him.
3. Crock pot meals are somewhat life changing. Having dinner ready and waiting..makes life so much easier.
4. Family is important. This job of mine, it certainly has made me think more about how little I see my extended family. I want my kids to have memories with all of their cousins and aunts and uncles. So, we are spending Thanksgiving with my sister's extended family, who practically is family because they are so awesome and we have plans to return for a few days at Christmas to be with my parents and sister's family. I envision cooking baking and cousin's giggling and lots of memory making. ( In reality it may involve my dad watching endless hours of FOX news and nibbling store bought cookies, but hey, we will do these things TOGETHER!)
5. I miss not having stitches in any part of my left side!:) This sounds ridiculous I know but first I fell and shattered a glass into my left hand which required a minor surgery and two sets of stitches. No sooner did it heal than I went to the dermatologist to have a spot looked at on my left forearm that's removal required three stitches! I know, first world problem
6. Christmas is coming. I love it all, the cheesy movies, the twinkling lights, the tree, the decor, the music, the traditions we have with the kids.
7. Small group and reconnecting with my faith. I am still ridiculously full of flaws and daily make mistakes, sometimes big ones.  But I feel for the first time in years that Jeff and I are on the path we need to be. I also love seeing how much my kids are getting out of being part of a smaller community within our church. They love it too!
8.  Volunteering is good for your soul! I have been helping with GEMS's fifth grade girls. GEM's is a program for girls ages 2nd grade through 5th at our church. I decided that I needed to do more at church this year and considering Caroline goes each week, it really was the perfect opportunity to serve. I will fully admit, I was very apprehensive. After all, I am not a huge fan of helping with kids. (I know, horrible.) But, I have really enjoyed getting to know these girls. I am glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and every week I am blessed to learn so much from them and their perspectives.
9. Friends can make or break you. I am lucky to have some awesome friends who have proved they are there for me through it all.
10. Time flies with your kids. I can't believe that my kids are 10,9 and 6. The other night I went to give Ellie a kiss goodnight. As I gazed at her sweet, sleeping, little face, I noticed her hand closed in the same way it was when she was an infant. I have no idea why I remember what her hand looked like as an infant? I think maybe it was that I remember trying to really cherish and soak up her infancy because I knew she was my last. As I looked at my now six year old with that same little fist, my heart was sad. I love having kids that are more independant but sometimes I wish time would slow down. Soon, Matthew won't want to give me a hug and kiss in the middle of the school hallway, every ,single day, Caroline won't let us call her "Squeaker" and Ellie's clenched little fist will just get bigger and bigger.
These things, these are what I know for sure on November 5, 2015!

Just keep swimming...

The "Fall funk" moved its way out and was replaced with a new, improved attitude of, "I CAN DO THIS!" I will pack lunches the night before, make crock pot meals and pretend to like them when the kids complain, do a load of laundry and fold it every day (but put it away, no,I can't make that type of commitment!), go to bed early, remember where those three kids of mine are suppose to be each night and get them there, make sure the girls are wearing the RIGHT color soccer uniform. I stupidly volunteered to be Caroline's soccer team's manger and oh.my.goodness. what was I thinking? But, even with the stress that has been added, I am trying to embrace a "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger attitude." And let me tell you, IT JUST MIGHT KILL ME:)!
Work continues to get more and more stressful by the day. But, the thing about working with people who are dying is that you realize that WORK and most of things that cause people to stress, in the END, do not matter. So I am focusing on being the best social worker I can be to the people that are after all , dying. Because that work matters. The rest will work itself out, or not! 
I am doing better, overall, with caring about the things that matter. Surrounding myself with people that improve my outlook, and keep me on a positive path. Jeff and I are in a small group with some families from church and what a wonderful thing this has been. Connecting with a group of people who share your same values and have similar demographics( married, threeish kids, CRAZY lives, trying to be the best spouse/parents/christians/workers) we can be. Accountability. AMEN! This is what has been missing. Jeff and I are both so excited to develop these relationships and grow closer together and to God. We continue to try and find our way, Jeff and I. Sometimes we seem so close and aligned. In fact, most days we are. Some days I lose it on him and BLAME him for everything. Most of the time I apologize and ALL the time Jeff is gracious. Grace is something I am trying to practice more of. Giving those around me the grace I so freely get from my husband and always from God. Telling the kids I am sorry when I lose my crap on them over things that really aren't their fault and even if it is, losing your temper doesn't teach them anything other than how to not be able to effectively manage stress. Forgiving people who treat me badly because chances are I have done the same to them or someone at some point.
The Simpsons are ready for fall! A new season! New opportunities! New challenges! New friendships! New attitudes! (PRAY FOR US!) :)

Fall Funk

School started today and for the first time in the five years I have had children in school I was not excited. We all know that I am not the kind of mom that is all.." I have so enjoyed every minute with my little bundles of blessings." Please. Let's continue to keep it real here, I was thrilled to run to Costco without anyone asking me for a million things. But, I have enjoyed the laid back nature of this summer. To only have myself to get ready while the village it seemed to take (three sitters in three months due to various scheduling conflicts among them) tended to the morning routine of the hooligans. No homework, not worrying about when they went to bed, not caring all that much who showered when. (Don't worry we didn't get too funky over here.)  The sporting season did go into mid July for us due to Caroline making the softball all star team which made me our shortened "no sports" nights all that more enjoyable.
With Fall comes football and hockey for Matthew and soccer for the girls. Caroline is playing on a travel league this year that practices a good twenty five minutes from our home. Good gravy, are you still reading? Are you thinking, "Wah, wah wah?" I know, first world problems of epic proportions! It just feels from this day until next July it is rush, rush, rush. I am trying to be more organized with the school portions of things because, let's face it, the Simpson kids start limping to the school finish line around January! I am determined to have the kids spend time doing their homework, reading before bed, actually fostering good learner behaviors.
A dimension of my stress level comes from my work stress being at an all time high. We are down providers and I am literally running all day at work feeling like I can never catch my breath. I am trying hard not to take this stress, which is hardly my children or my husband's fault, out on them. But, I failing more often than not. I am grouchy and irritated. There is no end in sight at work and let's face it, my kids are still young. I have miles and miles of homework, lunches to make, conferences and sporting events to attend before I can make myself a bowl of cereal for dinner and enjoy my empty nest. I don't want to wish these years away. I know I will miss them. I know I will say to myself one day, "Why didn't you enjoy it more?"
And then I run into a wife of a patient who died all too soon and she thanks me for what I do. I rarely run into my work in the community. When I do see a patient or family member I don't say anything because I want to respect their privacy and  in this woman's case, her grieving. As I walked away from her, I was humbled. Yes, working, parenting and marriage is so hard and it seems like it sometimes it is ALL hard. But, these things that stress the hell out of me, are also what make life worth living. Simply said, I need to get it the heck together. I am wishing the moments away and missing out on all that is truly important and really all I hold dear. That is no way to live. How do you fellow parents swing it? What keeps you sane and grounded?! HELP!

You are what you think..

This summer I have spent time considering what fills my head on any given day, in any given moment. I have "thought about thinking" for a variety of reasons. One, I work with families all day, discussing all sorts of horrible and hard things. Sometimes it is necessary to be able to go to a place in your mind where you can still be present but have a tiny break from the heaviness that is happening. I have always been a day dreamer. I was telling Jeff the other day that maybe I am adhd because I can easily drift away in thoughts and become distracted. Secondly, I realized, as I have tried to write about on my blog regarding my struggles, that my thought life directly impacts my behaviors. When I spend time fixating on things that are unhealthy, those behaviors only increase.
So, in attempts to get a handle on this crazy brain of mine, I have embarked on some techniques to be more mindful about my thoughts and actions. To take time and center myself and really consider what I am choosing to let myself think and believe. It has shocked me since I began this quest how many times the thoughts that have corrupted me enter my head. It isn't always something hugely profound. Sometimes it's simply a thought about myself that is self depreciating and adds no value. Being a spiritual person, or at least doing my best to be, I have incorporated a way to center myself in the morning that works amazingly if I can get my booty up and do it! I pick a Bible verse or simple faith sentence and find a quiet place and concentrate on my breathing and simply repeat the phrase over and over silently in my head. My favorite verse that does a great job of bringing me back is Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." As my breathing becomes more controlled, my thoughts soften and honestly in those moments of quiet, I am totally at peace. I am hopeful as I practice this on a regular basis that I will be able to tap into it throughout the day when I am feeling like I am spinning out of control. The other day I was entering a situation that had me anxious for days. I was facing circumstances that usually have rendered me very much out of control of what I think and how I act. As I stewed in the anxiety I realized, Wait! You do have tools to respond to this situation in the way that is most healthy. I did a mini mindfulness session in my car and of course it worked. Well, the mindfulness and the power of prayer,  which I believe is an unbeatable combination. Like I have always said, baby steps, step by step, day by day. That is the only way this girl is ever able to successfully incorporate anything into successful practice! I am not going to lie, some days the struggle is REAL and I just want to stay in those unhealthy ways. Then I remember that if I continue to do what I have always done, I will end up exactly where I never wanted to be! Can I get an amen?! :)

And Yet..

I posted an article on Facebook last week from the NY Times that I loved about marriage. There was a Buddhist quote in there that I especially loved. "Life is suffering..and yet". The author of the article lamented about lessons she's learned thirteen years into her marriage. She made comparisons to the phrase "and yet" to the parts of marriage that are good and bad. You married your spouse promising for better than worse, richer than poorer and yet you can not really comprehend, in those first years of marriage, what worse and poorer looks like. You can appreciate the ways you may struggle but you have not yet known struggle. Thank goodness for that or most likely no one would ever embark on the journey, right!? For the past few years I felt like life in general has had a lot of frustrating aspects of "and yet". And yet I kept feeling like nothing was good enough. And yet why do I get so frustrated with parenting? And yet why does it always seem like I am having a crisis of faith? And yet why does it seem everyone has a better marriage than I do? And yet I was so sick of it all. About three months ago I was truly sick of all the shit and said AND YET what the hell are you going to do about it? I am so blessed to have a few awesome friends who I was able to call and say..Listen! I am struggling. I need support and accountability. I need someone to help me walk this path! I am failing! They said, "Sure! Let's meet weekly and talk about our lives, our faith, our struggles! Let's pray for each other! " We've done this each week since June and what a difference it has made. This accountability in conjunction with consistent quiet times and church attendance, has me feeling hopeful and happy. I feel more like myself and who I am meant to be for the first time in a long time.
This summer has been a great one for our family. We have a wonderful babysitter whose kept the kids happy and entertained. We just returned from a wonderful family vacation in Silver Lake with Jeff's family filled with sunshine and beach days and swimming. Matthew spent a week with my parents and is going to hockey camp next week. Caroline is spending her week with my parents next week and soccer camp is the following week for her. Ellie is going to Spring Hill day camp at our church this week, her first camping experience!
This summer has been filled with the good side of "And yet". Sure, marriage can be tough and yet you find yourself on a beautiful friend's lakeside deck, enjoying a beautiful summer day, chatting and talking about all the awesome memories you have and think.."Wow! I love this guy and the life we've built together." There have been crappy times and yet they make the good times all the sweeter. Parenting can suck and yet you find yourself happily playing on the beach and in the lake and you think "Well, this does not suck. This is what I imagined having kids to look like." Work can be depressing, stressful and irritating and yet when you are able to help a family walk the path of losing their loved one in a way that gives them dignity and grace, you find yourself in awe that you have that privilege on a daily basis. I love being on the upside of the "and yet's" lately. I know that I must continue to do the hard work in order to keep on this path that is better for me. When the going gets tough or I find myself thinking and doing things that have only found trouble, I have to continue to make the decisions that keep me pointed the way I know is what God wants for me.  Every day I am able to do this it gets easier and easier to feel like I am back on the path I wished I had never strayed from.
Wishing you a wonderful rest of the summer! This mom is not looking forward to the busyness of fall! Lots of running, running, running! And yet, I am sure it will be a wonderful adventure!

Stepping out..

Have you ever gone to church, on a day where you nearly didn't make it, and thought to yourself "Thank you God for allowing me the privilege of being here and hearing what you have to say to me?" That was me at church yesterday. Jeff and Matthew were out of town and I nearly took the girls to my in law's church. However, the kids are doing a day camp at our church and I needed to pick up their tee shirts. When I walked in, I heard a guy preaching and immediately was taken aback at the power you could just feel from his voice. As I looked closer, I realized it was a Nate Bull, a Kalamazoo pastor who has done so much good for inner city Kalamazoo and Benton Harbor. I have heard about him from friends who attend our church who have heard him speak but have never been fortunate to hear him personally. Wow. I was blessed immeasurably by what he had to share. His message was about stepping out in faith. Listening to what God is asking you to do and doing it, no matter how scared or anxious you feel about what he is asking you to do. A lot of what Nate was talking about was regarding ministry type things. He was an employee with Kalamazoo Public Schools before God laid on his heart to start a street ministry which has taken off and blessed thousands of individuals in our community.
Rewind to my own personal walk in my faith, which I have shared throughout the years here, which has taken some pretty interesting turns lately. Long story short, I have felt very strongly that God was asking me to do something and I have done it. The thing about me is I am good at following my conviction for about two weeks when I am pulled right back into my destructive ways. As I listened to Nate speak and he literally asked, "What is God laying on your heart? Where do you need to step out in faith?" I literally could hear God saying, "What I have laid on your heart, this is what I am asking you to do." I also felt a very real sense of conviction that if I continue to follow my own ways and not do what God is asking, there will be some very real, negative, long lasting ill effects on my life. I am already dealing with some of the consequences of the sin I have let overtake my life but truly feel that if I don't make serious changes, God will bring me to my knees. Scary but strangely freeing at the same time. I feel broken for the first time in a long time. Over the past few years I have not even let myself entertain feeling broken. It is amazing how much you can numb and mask those feelings.  Satan is all too happy to supply you with endless ways to destroy yourself. I felt that yesterday at church God was breaking my heart with the realization that I have missed so many opportunities to live for him when I live for myself. I have missed opportunities to show my community, my friends, my husband and most importantly, my kids what it looks like to walk a righteous and God fearing path.
I continue to be in awe of God's amazing grace and provision for me throughout my rebellion. He has never forsaken me, he has not brought me to a true rock bottom. He has spared me and continues to welcome me back and literally bring me to his guidance through amazing messages like I heard yesterday.
I have reached out to several friends who I know I can trust and depend on to help me be obedient and accountable to stay on the right path. I am taking it literally day by day. Each day it gets a little easier to discover not who I have been or who I have tried to be on my own but who Christ says I am. I feel that was largely my problem all these years. Trying to find my own way or fit into what the world says I need to be or do. Chasing the world has gotten me no where and so,  I think , I will try God's way. I realize I am not sharing what God asked me to do and for now, I am keeping that for myself. But, I think the lesson of stepping out in faith can be applied to anyone in any crisis of faith. If you read here and you pray, I covet any prayers for strength to perseverance you can send my way! Thanks!

Dear Ellie..

This week Ellie is star of the week. She has been looking forward to this all week! We were able to write a special letter to our littlest and I thought since it did a pretty good recap of my baby at five and a half that I would make it a post. Because God knows I will lose the hard copy:)

Dear Ellie,

HAPPY STAR OF THE WEEK! We know you’ve been looking forward to having this special week all year!  Daddy and I wanted to share some things that we think make you special and unique and why we are so glad God blessed us with you! I know that you love to hear the story of how we came up with your name so I thought I would let you share it with your class! When Ellie was born we thought we were going to name her Emma Jane Simpson. The whole time she was growing in her mom’s belly we called her baby Emma. But, when she arrived she just didn’t look like an Emma or a Molly, our second choice name for a little girl.  It took her mommy and daddy two whole days to come up with her name, Elizabeth Jane.  Ellie is named after her grandma Betsy and her grandma Barb.

Ellie, there are so many things that make you special. You have the most creative imagination. You love to pretend that you are a teenager or a mommy or a teacher. You can play for hours and hours with common household items that most five year olds would never consider playing with. You are a good friend. You are considerate and you always remember details about what your friends like and hate to hurt anyone’s feelings.  You love your stuffed animals and only Daddy can do your special tuck ins at bedtime with your “zooms” with your special lovies turtle, twigs and spikey. You love to eat and will usually try any food. Your favorites are hot dogs and you are an asparagus nut! I think you would eat asparagus for every meal if we gave it to you!  You crack us up at the things you say to us. Your active imagination also means you “speak your mind” and “tell it like you see it.” You are usually a good sibling. Sometimes you fight with your sister but you also have lots of times when you spend hours and hours playing nicely together. You adore Matthew and he’s a good sport about letting you tag along! You are a big daddy’s girl and you get very sad if Daddy leaves before you wake up in the morning. You love to snuggle both mommy and daddy! We are so proud of how hard you have worked this year at school. Some of what you’ve been taught has been hard for you, like reading. You’ve worked hard to do your best and Ms. Rantz says she seen a lot of growth in you too this year! We know that you will do awesome in first grade!  We love you so much Ellie Jane Simpson. Daddy and I say all the time that we can’t imagine our family without your spunk, your sass and your sweet spirit.

Love, Mommy and Daddy