Trek Atlas

I have never hidden the fact that mothering has definitely gotten the best of me at times. It has brought my weakest characterisitcs to the surface. It has taken me to my knees on more than one occasion, that's for sure!
Over the years I have had the priviledge of reading several mom's blogs who are struggling with their children's illnesses. I have read blogs of mother's who have lost their children to cancer and other random diseases. They have all touched me in unique ways. I have lifted them in prayer. They have all, in different ways, taught me something about how to approach parenting and mothering and faith, with fresh, grateful eyes.
A few months ago  I stumbled across a blog about a baby named Trek Atlas. Trek was born with a rare genetic disorder called Niemann pick disease. It is a devastating and cruel disease that is fatal by the age of three. Trek's parents Chelsea and Jarrett and their other two sons had been planning on traveling abroad with their entire family after Trek's birth. When they discovered that their son was going to die, they had a choice of what to do with their lives. They had to decide whether or not to continue with their travel plans or make a new plan to accomodate their son's fatal diagnosis.
In my opinion, they embraced life. They knew their son was dying. They knew they wanted to show him the world. And so they did! They traveled to six different countries. Even if they had remained in the United States there was little the medical community could do for Trek. Comfort care was really the only option and I guess Trek's parents figured that they could provide comfort care he needed while exploring Hawaii, Texas, Japan and Thailand to name a few of the places little Trek was able to see.
According to the blog, Trek was constantly in his momma's arms. His only source of nutrition was his mommy's milk. He was most comforted safe in her arms. Apparently he saved his most spectacular smiles for his daddy:) On June 21st, little Trek left this world. My brain knows Trek is in heaven. He is no longer in pain. He no longer has a fatal disease. He is safe and cradled in the arms of Jesus. But the mom in me can only imagine the horrible pain Trek's mommy is feeling. I can't stop thinking about how her arms must ache for her sweet,sweet boy. I know she must want to see his sparkling blue eyes one more time. His daddy can't imagine he won't see that sweet smile again on this Earth. His brothers, who are young must be reconciling their grief in their own ways too. The family is in Thailand, which was there dream but I can't help but wonder if they want desperatly to be with their family and loved ones here in the United States? I pray that don't feel as far away as they are.
Trek's story has taught me that we really do only live once. The way his parents embraced bad news and decided to continue to live life with adventure is inspiring. We all can learn a lesson through Trek's story.
The same day that Trek died I read an unrelated story about another little boy who died. His mother's only wish was that families all around the world would have banana splits for dinner. That through this simple treat you are creating a lasting memory. I have to admit that when I do this my kids will surely never forget it. It is a small gesture with large symbolism. It screams to your kids that we can break the rules. We can decide to do something special for our family. Mommy can be fun.
Sometimes I think it's sad that it takes the death of 15 month old to get my priorities straight when it comes to parenting and being grateful for my kids. It shouldn't take a tragedy for me to realize what blessings God has bestowed upon me.

Dang!

Dang is the word that comes to my mind when I think of what I felt in church yesterday. We've been going to a new church for about two months now. The kids love it. Jeff and I have liked it. To be perfectly honest, we've been in a rut this past six months.  When we left our previous church it took us awhile to get our bearings. I can't speak for Jeff, but I know that I let the irritation of why we left our last church rub like a bad blister. I just let my emotions and feelings about people and circumstances that let us down fester. I refused to pray about any of it. I wanted to be irritated. I just couldn't let it all go. I certainly had no intentions of giving it to God. Well you can guess how that ended up? With me being miserable. It's funny to me how many times a person can continue to make the same crappy decisions. How have I not learned this lesson? I can't even begin to answer it. Well, that's not true, I can. I know exactly what the problem is. If I look through previous blog posts over the last six years I am sure I will find at least 50 posts expressing these exact same sentiments. Uggh, I can barely stand myself right now!
Thankfully I was exactly where God wanted me to be yesterday. The series our Pastor is doing is called, Follow Me. Yesterday, Jeff Port talked about following God and how Satan never picks on those who aren't living up to their Christian potential. Satan knows better than to bother with people like that. Now  I won't say that I am fond of the idea of Satan attacking me but when Pastor was talking, I felt such conviction. I take no chances with my faith. I live for myself. I am not overflowing with Christ. I am ill-equipped spiritually and in many other areas of my life as a result.
I won't go on and on about my plans for renewal and recommitment. I think, this time, that will remain between me and my God. I am hopeful that the convictions I felt yesterday remain shouting in my mind each morning when I am tempted to put off yet another quiet time. I am prayerful that one day of practicing good spiritual habits will turn into all of my days. I am confident that if I fill my mind and time with holy things, I will become holier.
One thought terrified me more than any other yesterday. It was that when I die and meet Jesus, He will say, " You could have done so much more for my kingdom. You had so much to give but you chose to live for yourself". Ouch. 

Summer 2012 Bucket List

If you are a friend of mine on FB, you know how much I love Kelle Hampton's blog! If you've never been, the link is www.kellehampton.blogspot.com. She has two girls, Lainey and Nella. Nella has down syndrome. Kelle's blog is all about celebrating life, the big and small moments. Recently she posted about all the fun stuff she wants to do with her girls and her family this summer. The idea has inspired me! I tend to be the kind of mommy who desperately wants to let her kids finger paint but then gets anxious at the actual execution of finger painting.  I  have always wanted to let the kids sleep in the family room, under the Christmas tree, while watching "How the Grinch stole Christmas". But as soon as the kids start fighting about someone stealing their blanket or being in their spot, I lose it. Well, that is all changing this summer. I have a pretty horrific school schedule until June 27th. But after June 27th...I will be all about the fun, baby! I will. ( I am confident that the mantra "Fake it till you make it"! will enable me to successfully execute the Summer 2012 bucket list!) So, without further delay..here it is. Now, I know people read here but NO ONE ever comments. I implore you to take a moment and at least consider making a bucket list of your own. Don't fret about the details. Maybe your bucket list will have two items, maybe 20. Maybe it will be wildly outlandish. Maybe not. Either way, I want feed back, people!:)

Simpson Family Bucket List Summer of 2012
1. Eat Popsicles for breakfast
2. Take a moon walk
3. Have an impromptu neighborhood bonfire. Invite someone we've never met.
4. Go to the Farmer's Market and buy fresh berries,
5. Make something yummy with said berries and leave it on a unsuspecting neighbor's door.
6. Play in the rain
7. Plant a mini vegetable garden and watch it grow
8. Paint with pudding.
9. Go to the beach
10. Have the kids write letters to the teachers they had this year telling them they appreciate them
11. Have an outdoor movie night
12. Be in a parade
13. Go on a hike.
14. Go on a family bike ride.
15. Surprise daddy at work with lunch
16. Send each of the kid's friends a mini care package.
17. Have a water balloon fight
18. Have a lemonade stand
19. Go to Camp Grandma
20. Go camping!

This SUMMER is going to be AWESOME! Now it's your turn! Have at it!!

Maybe being a mom

 It has been a busy weekend. We have been planning a surprise party for Jeff's mom for several months now. All the planning came to fruition this weekend as we gathered to celebrate this women, Barb, who has blessed all our lives so richly. We were able to keep the party a secret and when she walked through the doors of the room where the party was held, her face was priceless. Complete bewilderment. Complete shock and awe as her face panned the room and she recognized that the room was filled with only people who love her. It was wonderful.
We had invited all the party goers over to our house afterwards and a group of about fifteen came. It was a wonderful afternoon and good conversations and lots of reminiscing. Jeff's sisters had put together picture boards of Barb throughout the years. It was neat to see my husband and his family growing up through the years. There were many pictures of Jeff's father, Roger, who passed away when Jeff was only eleven. The resemblance Jeff shares with his father is surreal. He could be his twin. It was a wonderful day spent celebrating a wonderful mother and women!

Today is Mother's Day. I am not sure why but Jeff continues to not get this holiday right. He has come a long way with recognizing what my love language is and how to make choices that will show me how he loves and appreciates me as his wife and as the mother of his children. I guess when he makes choices to not validate me in the ways I have asked him to again and again, I feel that he maybe doesn't appreciate what I add to his life and to our children's lives. Maybe it is validating the sense of failing that I feel lately when it comes to parenting. I am stressed. I am yelling. I am irritable. So when I wake up on a day when many are being recognized for all they do to make them wonderful mothers and I don't get that, the tiny voice inside my head is SCREAMING,  " I told you, you suck!"

Thankfully, Jeff and I , despite our vastly different love languages and needs for validation, have a good marriage and are able to work through hiccups. He knows he failed today. He knows that I am mad but more importantly he knows I am sad at his lack of consideration. He knows that he will change a few more diapers today and that he won't ask me when I will be home from studying. Hopefully he knows that next year he best have a bouquet of flowers and get the  right damn donut I asked for!

I am thankful for my three munchkins who made me great cards and projects at school. I am thankful for their school that put on a wonderful mother's day tea and their daycare that also had a wonderful mother's day celebration too! I am thankful for all of the blessings in my life. That my children are happy and healthy. That my husband is helpful and supportive and learning. I titled this post, "Maybe a mom" because I had intentions to write about how maybe being a mom doesn't mean having everything go your way in regards to motherhood. Maybe it is the constant battle to be better than you are. Maybe it is doing the best you can, with all you have. Maybe it is something you appreciate when it's too late. I strive everyday not to wish these years away. Sometimes I feel like that is all I do. When will I be able to sleep in again? When will I not have to sit holding a sick baby in one hand and a bucket in the other waiting for her to get sick again? When will I not have Caroline tapping me and saying every.single.morning. " I am hungry, get up now!" When will I not have to ask 100 times for the kids to get their shoes on and get in the car to go to school? I think today it hit me that the answer is ALL TOO SOON! I know when it happens I will be so angry with how I wish it away. I will curse myself for my selfishness and inability to live in the moment. I continue to desire to lean on God more for mothering help. I desire to grow closer to Him through the trials. I desire to cherish more mundane moments. I desire to not wish my children's childhood away. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I finally get it right. I pray that it is! Happy Mother's Day!!

Busy, busy, busy

I have officially finished my first semester of graduate school! Yeah for me! Yeah for having this week off to accomplish the goals I had to clean my entire house, organize all the closets and clean the basement which is really just a toy room/toy graveyard at times! Thanks to all the hard work I did with my friend Nicole, last summer, getting goals like this accomplished are a snap! Seriously, I couldn't believe how easy and painless and even fun it was to clean/organize when everything has a place! I continue to reap the blessings of what Nicole did for us almost a year later!!
Next week I begin the Summer I session which will mean me taking three classes. I am taking Psychopathology, Social Change and The Effects of Child Trauma. Real light material, huh?! I am actually really looking forward to all of these classes. Since I am doing my internship next year at the Child Trauma Assessment Center, the more I can know about child trauma, the better equipped I will be to help serve the children that come to get assessed. The information I will learn in psychopathology is important and relevant to pretty much anything I will be doing as a future social worker. Being able to properly diagnose someone with a mental illness is important! I have a feeling I am going to think of lots of crazy people I have run into in this sometimes strange life and diagnose them. The last class is with a professor I had last semester and he is wonderful! He epitomizes social work and is a wonderful example of how to make lasting, relevant social change. Two of my classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The child trauma class is a three weekend class held in Grand Rapids. It is held Friday nights from 5-9 and then all day Saturday from 8-5, so those weekends will seem long. Throw in Matthew and Caroline playing baseball/tee ball, school ending, camps beginning and I feel like we're going to be dizzy by the end of June! Thankfully, I am all done on June 30th. Then we will have the rest of the summer to relax and just enjoy doing nothing. I am sure we will find many activities to keep us busy. It will probably seem boring around here after the hectic schedules we've had this past year!

One Year Down

By the end of this week I will be done with my first year of graduate school at Western. It has been an interesting year. It has been a great year. It has been a year unlike any I have ever known. I have learned so much about myself during this past year. I have learned there are some really crazy people out there and some of them end up teaching you in graduate school. I have learned that I love helping people who are hurting, going through difficult times and need a person to help them through the foggy abyss that life can sometimes feel like. I have learned that I love hospital social work. I have learned that the world of neurological rehabilitation is fascinating and terrifying all at the same time. I have realized that I really should never take one moment of my life for granted. That my health and that of those I love is such a precious gift. I have learned just how much a medical crisis can impact your life and those who love you. I have met some wonderful new friends who have reminded me of what it's like to be younger and idealistic. I have learned that even though I have 37 years of knowledge and experience, I don't know it all. I have learned that sometimes you just have to shut up and listen. I have learned that you can take something, whether it is a lesson in what you should never do again or what you aspire to be like ,from everyone you're privileged to know and interact with in this world. I have learned that sometimes there are situations in this world that are unfair and sometimes there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. Still, even through the disbelief and the anger, you can choose to learn from the crap that happens too, that there are lessons in all of the moments that make up your life. I have learned that I love being a student. I love having something for myself. I have learned that I do not miss being a stay at home mom. I have learned that dreams change. I have learned that I am blessed beyond measure to have a husband that is so supportive of me and my goals. I have learned that not everyone is so lucky. I have learned to just let the little things that bug me about being in relationship and marriage for nearly ten years because the big things are really what counts. I have learned that when challenged about my morals and values and faith that I am able to proudly hold my head high and speak MY truth. I have learned that sometimes my TRUTH isn't others and that's o.k. too! And finally, I have learned that I  am more REPUBLICAN than DEMOCRAT! Gasp!

Happy Birthday Matthew!

Matthew will be seven on Saturday. How can that be?? I started this blog when he was just 8 months old. Has that much time passed??? Oh, Matthew. What a boy he has become over this last year. He has matured so much. In fact, if you were to tell me what our boy would be like now, when he was 18 months old, I would have called you a big ol'liar! I can hardly believe the toddler that once drove me to the brink of insanity could become such an obedient, follow the rules at all costs kind of a kid. He had really come into his own this past year. Matthew continues to be thoughtful and patient and considerate. Although Caroline may beg to differ sometimes:) Ellie adores him and he is such a wonderful big brother to both Caroline and Ellie.
He continues to love Star Wars, Indiana Jones, hockey, and Wii!! He has many friends at school and seems to get along no matter where he goes. Matthew is a home body. He is most content when he is home in his pj's, playing Wii or hanging out with his Daddy. Speaking of which, Matthew is very much a Daddy's boy. He loves to have spend time with Jeff playing sports, watching movies, reading, playing games and beating him on the Wii!
Lately I find myself just wanting to hug him and love on him as much as I can. I know that as he gets older the more likely it is that he won't want his mommy to hug him randomly. I hope not but I am preparing myself. Matthew adds so much to our lives. I am so grateful that seven years ago we were blessed with our special, sweet, kind little buddy. Happy 7th Birthday sweet boy!

Dear Caroline and Ellie (when you're in college)

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the fact that I have daughters. Well, I guess not so much that I have them, but that they will grow up to be teenagers. The thought frightens me to my core. I think back to my teen years and feel like I really wasn't all that awful to deal with. Although I think if you asked my parents, especially my dad, he would say I certainly had my moments. In fact, I have seen him laughing ever so slyly under his breath when Caroline sasses me. It's like he's thinking, "Payback, baby, PAYBACK!" I still get made fun of for my overuse of the word "Whatever" to them whenever I was annoyed by their disregard for what I wanted to do. I don't remember being overly rebellious. I hung out with a great group of girls who had my best interest at heart. I guess that is the first thing I would tell my girls, choose your friends wisely. I remember so many times, hearing my dad say, usually to my brother," If you hang around garbage you start to stink!" So true. The thing about being a teenager/young adult,what have you, is that your are sometimes drawn to the bad girls. Please, sweet girls, RUN from them! I pray they find great, solid, Christian friends who share their faith and yet want to have adventures.
I also remember thinking to myself before I left for college at Central Michigan University, " I am going to drink and have such a good time!" and we're not talking lemonade, folks. Well, maybe it was lemonade but it was heavily spiked with vodka.Drinking and doing it to excess was at the root of every bad decision I ever made in college. I am not saying that I expect my kids will never drink. Will I be the kind of parent who gives my kids alcohol in our basement or turns the other way when they do it underage? No, I won't. My parents didn't and I always felt that it set appropriate boundaries. I never stole alcohol from my parents. I would say to my girls and my boy, for that matter, be very careful with alcohol. It is very alluring and a fair weather friend that turns into a foe very quickly.
Speaking of drinking and bad decisions. I certainly want my girls to guard their hearts and their virtue. That's all I have to say about that.
At the end of the day, I desire for my girls to know their own hearts and convictions. I want them to follow the path I have tried to set before them because THEY have a desire to do so. I want them to be faith filled and Christ filled because they are. Do I expect perfection? Certainly not! Do I know they will stumble and even be led astray, sadly, yes I know this is probable. Yet, I believe that if we build a solid foundation and model this in our own lives, that they will come back to what they know, in the end, is right for them.
There is a song by Mumford and Sons called "Roll away your stone" it is an awesome song and there is a line in there that sums the grace I always want to extend to my children,
It seems that all my bridges have been burnt
But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works
It's not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive with the restart
Dear Caroline and Ellie and Matthew too, Know you can always come home. NO matter where you've been or what you've done. Grace will always be here for you.

Boo boo goes to school!

All three of my children have struggled with speech delays. If you know me you're probably thinking how can that be?? I clearly have no issues talking. I blame the Simpson genes! We all know Jeff is a man of few words. I have always said he chooses his words carefully. An art I continue to try and emulate. Anywhoo..Matthew began the slow to talk trend. In fact, I would say he had the most severe delay. He began therapy at 18 months. We had a wonderful therapist named Ms. Karla. She was the angel of speech therapists. Matthew was so frustrated with being unable to communicate that he would run from her, throw things at her, hit her. Wowza! He was a little pain! She hung in there and persevered and our little guy went from neery a word to talking in FULL BLOWN sentences. Seriously, one day he literally woke up and was like, "Mother, good morn, I would like toast and a cup of milk. Thank you so much. " Well, maybe not quite like that, but close. He never had to go to speech again after age 3. Then Caroline came along and struggled greatly with her speech. Unfortunately I had problems getting her qualified until she was three. I wish I had fought harder for early intervention because she is still in speech and struggles with stuttering.
So along comes Ellie and I will admit, I thought to myself, this is our talking kid! She is the third! By the time she is 18 months she will be talking in full sentences. Nope. Although she did say words. But, being I was a seasoned speech mom by now, I had her tested when she didn't say more than ten words at age one. She didn't qualify. Her speech seemed to cease in progressing from age one to two so I had her tested again. I had to admit this, but on the day of testing, I hoped she would under perform. I know it is mostly a numbers game when it comes to qualifying so the less she said, the better. I also knew that one of Ellie's problems with speech is that sometimes she has the words and other times, she can't make the sounds. Well, she was my shining pupil and completely underperformed and qualified. For a few months we had an intern because our beloved Ms. Karla was out on medical leave. When Karla returned this week, she was quite alarmed with the lack of progress Ellie has made. She recommended that we enroll Ellie in the special education preschool program next Fall. I will admit when I heard this voice mail, while at my internship yesterday, I cried. I am not sure why I cried? Maybe it was because I didn't realize her delay was the significant? Maybe it was because I can't imagine my last baby going to school FOUR days a week on a BUS!? Maybe it was because I don't want her to have to ride a bus when she is three but I have class and internship to contend with and I feel mommy guilt? Maybe it was PMS? Who knows!? But, once I calmed down, talked to Ms. Karla,whose opinion I trust implicitly and Jeff, I realized all the tears were for nothing. This is a good thing. Our girl will get the extra assistance she needs from specially trained teachers to learn to communicate better. She will be with other children who have the same types of difficulties. She will make new friends in a diverse environment and it is FREE. My tears soon dried and were replaced with emotions of joy and thankfulness that we have such wonderful resources available to us.
So in a few short, six months when Ellie is just three years old, she will head on a BUS to school! Time certainly does fly!

Birthday Blues

I turned 37 yesterday and I think I may have just experienced " I am getting older" birthday blues. Usually, I love everything about a birthday. Celebrating, getting gifts, having lots of people celebrate that YOU were born, going out to dinner, eating cake! This year Jeff actually got on the clue bus that I have been loudly honking and got me some great gifts, a specialty cake and took me out for dinner! And yet I was really down and grouchy yesterday. No matter how good the day went, I felt this sense of blah. It was really annoying. I finally went to Jeff, late in the day, and tearfully admitted my feelings. He offered a sympathetic ear, gave me a hug and said, " I think you're just depressed that your old!" Leave it to Jeff to put it all into blunt perspective. Maybe that is what it was? Today I woke up feeling so relieved that it wasn't my birthday. That it is over. That I am gulp..37. Now I know that 37 certainly isn't ancient. I know that I have nothing but great blessings to be thankful for in this life. I have had a wonderful 37 years and look ahead to the next 37 with great anticipation.
I don't really know what to make of the emotions that came with turning 37. Maybe when I turn 38 I will figure it out!

When I only had one kid..

My supervisor at my internship has a little girl that is the same age as Ellie. She told me on Friday that she is pregnant with another little person due in September. Now don't get me wrong, I love my internship supervisor. In fact, if you just read my last post you read the glowing praises I had to say about her. But, and I say this with the utmost respect, she only has one kid. Her little one if well behaved, easy going and life for her as a mother so far as been pretty darn perfect. I remember when I was her. You think you're so savvy, you've got this mothering down. Nothing phased me in the first year of Matthew's life. I remember many a nights, gently rocking him, singing to him, nursing without issue, reading to him, praying over him. I was consistent with everything. I was never overwhelmed. As I type this I laugh because little did I know how much my life would soon be rocked...TO THE CORE! When Matthew was a mere nine months old I became pregnant with Caroline, unexpectedly. I feel like I literally got pregnant with Caroline and it triggered something inside of my sweet little boy. He became, well, hmm..how should I put this?? Well,he became a pain in the arse! Into everything. Speech delayed, walking delayed, busy, busy, busy!!! Then when Matthew was 18 months old Caroline arrived on the scene. We love our sweet girl but she has been a pistol since she popped her head out of the cesarean incision! Colicky, finicky, horrid nurser. (Of course she had redeeming qualities, which I am omitting for dramatic effect!:)
My perfect parenting, it went to hell in a hand basket. Caroline's bed time routine consisted of shoving a bottle into her mouth and holding her at just the right angle so she didn't puke it all back up. Caroline's medical dramas also began pretty soon after her arrival. All the planning and good intentions in the world were trumped over and over by the demands of being a mom to two children under the age of two. I learned some of the most challenging and hardest lessons during that season in my life. All my life, all I had ever wanted was to be a mother. When I was a mom to one child, it was if a dream came true. Then a mere two years later and I was overwhelmed and often sad. We found our way, Matthew, Caroline and I. Through great friends, supportive family, an incredible husband, a faith in a God that I could always lean on, we made it. Did I make mistakes? Hell yes! Do I continue to? Certainly! Do I find that life has more balance now a days? YES! Do I ever miss those days of the past? Not quite yet. The kids, being ages 7,5.5 and 2.5 are still little and they can still frazzle me. But, slowly but surely,this momma has gotten her groove back. I have realized why I wanted to be a mother again. I have found ways to discipline that work. I have begun to understand that for every bad thing you do, the few good, consistent things really round it all out. At the end of the day, I have three beautiful, sweet, healthy and for the most part, well behaved children. They are resilient thank goodness and for every grouchy mommy day I have given them, the ones where we lay around in our pajamas coloring and watching movies seem to over ride the not so good days. As my mom always said as I was growing up, " I do the best I can!" In the end, that's all anyone can really do.
And so when I am tempted to give Sheryl lots of advice about what to expect and what to do and what not to do, I tell myself to shush. She'll find her own path, I am sure of it. And if she should find herself the mother of a crazy, colicky, asthmatic, speech delayed, sensory craving child..well then, I am at the ready:) In closing, in my nearly seven years of parenting I only have one piece of advice to any prospective parent and it is.." Never say never and never say always!"

Waah!

What is waah, you may be asking yourself?? That is the sound of me crying when I think about my internship ending at the Borgess Neuro Rehab. I have been there seven months now. I have loved every.single.day! I have been blessed beyond measure to know the nurses, the doctors, the occupational and physical therapists and their staff but most of all from Sheryl, the MSW who supervises me and from the patients. Sheryl is the greatest example of what I strive to be as a social worker. She is leads by example, has integrity,compassion, boundaries, self-awareness and has taught me so much on how to be effective. I joke with her all the time about her detail oriented she is and how much I LACKED that skill before working with her. She has taught me so much about how to be more detailed oriented and the importance of that and how reflects on you as a professional.
In many ways, Sheryl and I are very different. Maybe that's why our relationship has worked so well. We're different but we have a mutual respect for our differences and how those differences really compliment each other and makes us more effective. I am certain that spending eight months with Sheryl will have a profound and lasting impression on me for years to come.
The patients, those who have had strokes, suffered traumatic brain injuries, been hospitalized for several months and are now are weak and in need of intensive rehab, have taught me so much too. That you never really can take this life, your health, today, tomorrow, your family, your job, for granted. Nothing is a guarantee in life. Nearly all of the patients I have been privileged to work with are inspiring and courageous. It has been a pleasure to be of assistance to them in a valley of their lives. It has caused me to have some tough discussions with Jeff about what our wishes and desires are for one another and our family if God forbid a medical crisis of this nature should occur. Because one thing I have learned is that most people don't think it will happen to them and aren't prepared. It has made me appreciate that my parents and Jeff's still have their health and that we haven't been faced with these difficult decisions and to have those talks with them to.
Most of all, my internship at Borgess has given me inspiration again. To be a better social worker. To continue to give 100% every time I am there and do all I can to make life better. Even if all I can do is secure the medical equipment they will need to return home once they leave the hospital.
I have taken an internship next year at the Child Trauma Assessment Center. It will be a much different experience than the hospital setting. Though I am certain that many of the lessons I have learned through the rehab team will transfer. I look forward with anticipation and back with much gratefulness.

Listen to God or crazy people will endlessly email you!

Hey readers, all five of you:)! I am sorry for the drama that ensued last week on Facebook. I had some major drama going on. I will admit that some of it was my own fault. I was introduced to some one's blog who I barely know. Sometimes her blog has fun things, good recipes, cool craft ideas. But mostly her blog annoys me. So why read a blog that annoys you? Exactly! I wasn't for many months. Especially after I wrote a comment about her pics being stolen and posted on pinterest. I simply said that when you try and make your blog more public there are casualties if you don't safeguard things like photos. She deleted it and accused me of being negative and told me not to read her blog anymore. As if she has control over things like that. I did feel that God was telling me to stay away. I think He knew that there would be craziness if I ever commented in any way again. Well, I had a glass of wine, I went, I read and the hypocrisy , oh the hypocrisy!It may have been the wine, it may have been me not being able to just mind my own business. Whatever the reason, I commented. I called her out on what I felt was hypocritical. Let's just say it did NOT go over well..AT ALL. She immediately deleted the comment, came here and made a nasty comment, which I moderated b/c all of my comments are moderated. I then went to her via FB and wrote her a message saying that I didn't appreciate her comments and that I would stay away from now on because of how vain and self-absorbed she was. Then her husband wrote me a couple of hours later and his email was downright crazy talk. Especially when I initially only stated that her blog etiquette post was hypocritical. As far as saying she was vain and self absorbed, not nice, but you would think I threatened her life with the way he was talking. In fact, it was so crazy, that even Jeff was annoyed which is something you never see.
BUT, and there always is a BUT, I totally reaped what I sowed. God warned me, I didn't listen and this is what happened. I am annoyed at her but I am more annoyed at myself. God was just shaking his head at it all but I could tell he didn't feel bad for me at all.
So, I made my blog private. But it is such a pain to put everything in place for those who want to read it and are harmless. I have blocked all of the people associated with the blog. I don't think anyone will read her or comment further. At least I hope so. If I continue to have issues then I will have to close her down again!
Lesson learned. Listen to God. For you never know if He's protecting you from a person or something more!
Here's praying for less drama!

CrAsH!

That is the sound of me falling off the workout wagon. I was doing great for over a year going to gym faithfully three to four times a week. Since beginning school, I started to slip a little more simply because there wasn't enough time. I can usually make it work on Mondays and Tuesday mornings. But then Ellie started speech and they asked that it be every other Monday at 8:30, right during the time of my favorite class, Body Combat. Add the holidays and lax eating and well let's just say the jeans are a wee bit tight.
HOWEVER...I shall not be discouraged. I won't be brought down that easily! I won't buy bigger jeans! This isn't my first time at the fall off the workout routine rodeo! The good thing is I desperately miss working out. I love having that time to turn on my I Pod and sweat it out to Florence + Machine or whatever new artist I happen to discover I love at any given moment.
A new plan is all that is necessary for me to get back on this wagon. This new plan will be working out every Monday morning that Ellie doesn't have speech for the regular class I love. I will also hold Tuesday open from 8:30-10 for working out. It will be sacred. Unless illness befalls us, my booty and Ellie's lil' booty in the daycare, will be there! On speech days and on Thursdays, for now, I will go at 5:30 AM! I get up then anyways for my internship. I will go the gym for a quick workout and shower and get ready there. If this seems to work I will add Friday mornings in. That will give me a total of three days, at first, and then hopefully I will become addicted and be the person you see in there all the time. Well, let's not get crazy!
If you read here and you pray, pray for me, won't you?! I have worked very hard the past five years to lose weight. I have kept most of it off but I would love to lose another forty before my husband's 20th reunion this summer and certainly by my 20th next summer. That would have me being the lowest weight ever since, well, ever:)
I am hoping this will motivate me. Since beginning school, I have realized that I am pretty good at sticking to something if it's planned out. I know sitting in tight jeans thinking, "Good gravy when can I peel these bad boys off?" certainly makes it pretty damn easy to get my arse moving again!

John

I will never forget the little boy, who had been beaten with a hanger by his baby sitter's 13 year old son. His soulful eyes literally pierced my soul the moment I met him. He was timid and scared and his eyes were so very wide with fear. His mother was drug addicted and was now gone from his life. His father was murdered in a gang shooting shortly after his birth. I had the privilege of working with John at the Cook County Juvenile Court. We met with him over a two week period. I probably only saw him two or three times. Once to prepare him to go into the large courtroom, filled with adults and the boy who did this brutal thing to him. His grandmother brought him every time. Sadly, she was completely detached from this precious little boy whose had known more sadness, pain and loss in his short three years than most experience in a lifetime. She was disinterested in him in a variety of ways. He came to her only because she was his only living relative that was willing. When asked about long term plans for John, she had none. She wasn't interested in any services we could provide that would make this sweet boy's life more comfortable or even bearable. This little boy didn't have a room or a bed even. He slept on the floor in the living room each night with a blanket.
When it was John's turn to testify I remember leading him to the stand, as he passed the offender, he froze in absolute terror. Although he had been prepared for the reality that this boy was in the room, the reality to this precious boy was quite another. I smiled down at him and gave his hand a squeeze as if to say,"You're o.k. buddy, you've got this." He did have this. He did wonderfully, his testimony flawless. The offender was convicted of aggravated battery and sentenced appropriately.
After the trial, John and I had a few moments alone before everyone came back into the room. I told him how brave he had been and how great he had done. He crawled up on my lap and I remember we just colored a picture together, a rainbow. I started it and as I prompted him, he added to it. I remember feeling some relief that he was able to imagine. He was able to dream of a world outside of the one he found himself in.
Soon his grandmother came and took John out of the courtroom, out of my life, forever. I remember wanting to grab him and hold on to him and to keep him. I have worked with many children over the years and this boy had me. I couldn't bear to see him go. But, go he went. I had to go to the bathroom because I couldn't contain my sadness. I cried and cried and then decided that I needed to move on. That, if I held on to the grief I felt for this little boy that I wouldn't be able to help others that were as deserving as him.
Thirteen years have passed since I met John. I think of him often and pray that he found his way in this life. That someone did love him and see the sweetness and sadness in his soulful eyes. I pray he was rescued.
As I was deciding whether or not to apply to graduate school last year at this time, John's face and those eyes flooded my mind. I thought that in the end, even in the sadness of not being able to "fix" everything about John's life, even though I couldn't right all the wrongs that had been done to him, I could for a few moments give him a rainbow. I was able to give him a hand to hold when he so desperately needed to cling to one. I was able to give him 100% of my efforts for him, for his family, for his social worker.
Each time I work with someone now I remember John and strive to give each person that same amount of effort. I have to believe that sometimes that's all we can do. Whether we're social workers or lawyers or doctors or waitresses. I know that to survive it the world of social work as a career that 100% is sometimes all I can offer.
I hope John continued to draw rainbows. I hope I am able to always impact lives and never just go to work, fill the time and not have any investment in the clients I am privileged to work with. I pray that those of you who read here have that same joy in your work. I hope you're able to give your 100% joyfully and with purpose.
I am contemplating doing an internship at the Child Trauma Assessment Center next year. You can tell just by the title that is hard work. It is filled with kids like John who have had to deal with too much too soon. The thought of being there and assessing those types of kids and situations quite frankly terrifies me. It can so much easier to just do the easier work, to leave that kind of work to someone else. I can't help but think that God is whispering to me, "There are more rainbows to be drawn, Susan". Well, then I guess that's all there is to say.

Things I love...

After a day of school and a little distance from my little lovelies and reading Pioneer Women's blog here is a more positive, less whiny list today of the things I LOVE:
1. Jesus
2. Jeff
3. My boy
4. My girls
5. Grace (not the girl, the most amazing gift)
6. Biggby coffee
7. Roasted brussel sprouts
8. Holidays
9. A Sunday afternoon nap.
10. A fun night out with the girls
11. My Kindle
12. Reading
13. Discovering new music
14. How God finds the most suttle ways of speaking to me.
15. My internship
16. Girl's Weekends with life long friends
17. Laughing till you want to throw up
18. Caroline's smile
19. Matthew's insight
20. Ellie's giggles
21. Sleeping in.
22. Hearing a great sermon that makes you feel on fire for God.

See, I am not always such a Suzie Sour puss:)

The whole - HEARTED truth

Today is Valentine's Day and I am so not feeling the love. Warning: If you're looking for a touchy feely, inspiring post..GO ELSEWHERE:)
My kids are 6,5 and 2. This is the first Valentine's Day that they get the meaning of it. The meaning of it to me, is to show EXTRA appreciation for those you love. How did I do this for my family today you may be asking yourself. Well, and yes, I realize I am being a wee bit bratty by listing it but it's my blog so too bad!:)
1. Bought 3 darling little baskets for the kids and filled it with some things I knew they would love including candy, crayons, books. A new piggy bank for Ellie who has been coveting her brother and sister's forever!
2. Made a special Valentine's Day lunch with heart shaped sandwiches.
3. Ordered special Valentine's Day cupcakes for our family and paid extra for Caroline to have egg free cupcakes.
4. Bought heart shaped pizza for dinner.
5. Bought Jeff a funny card and wrote something really nice inside.
Well intended but here is how the day has gone:
1. I could tell from Matthew's face that his basket didn't exactly thrill him. Probably because it didn't include any Wii games!
2. Caroline cried at 7 a.m. because she couldn't have candy.
3. The kids had a playdate and Caroline was downright witchy to her friend.
4. The kids have fought and whined ALL damn day!
5. The kids have told me I am the meanest mom ever about 10 times each today.
6. Ellie suddenly turned naughty:)!
And yes, I know, I am blessed. Yes, I know I am a brat. Yes, I know I should just be grateful that the biggest problem, right now, on February 14, 2012 is that my kids are being brats and my husband still doesn't get it that I want him to go out of his way for me, ONE FLIPPIN DAY a year.
This Valentine's Day I feel a little bit like the single girl who is surrounded by people in love and you just want to scream, "Take your flowers and candy and kids who bring you breakfast in bed and shove it!" Wow, I really am letting it all hang out.
Oh well, hopefully, at the very least, I am teaching my children that in our family we value love and being love and showing each other love. At least I hope that's what they are learning in their rooms, since I grounded them for the rest of the night!
How do you like me now, Cupid?!

What the hooligans are up to..

Time for an update on what Matthew, Caroline and Ellie are up to these days. Why? No, its not any one's birthday, no one has done anything that spectacular or earth shattering. I guess that's why. Lately I have had a melancholy of sorts with the realization that one day all of this will be a distant memory and my little children will be three teenagers and I want to remember the cute, the irritating and all that falls between.
I think it began when I re reading some old posts about how Matthew use to crawl into our bed in the morning, when Caroline was not even 2 and have the sweetest little chats with me. Let's just say he doesn't do that anymore. What I would give for one more lispy conversation with my little pacie obsessed baby boy. Now he rarely comes into our bed. He is "big" enough to come downstairs without us and almost always sleeps in anyways. Maybe it is that Caroline lost her first tooth and I realized that she is closer to 6 than 5. Or maybe it was that I have found some new blogs lately, the depressing kind that make you want to hold up in your house with your kids and just love them 24 hours a day because really we never know what tomorrow brings. Whatever the reason, here we go...

Matthew..6 but inching closer to 7 with each passing day. Loves Wii, loves Legos, loves Star Wars, Indiana Jones, ninjago, pokemon, Harry Potter, hockey.
Dislikes school but is good at it! He loves to read and is a good student. In fact he just got his second report card and his teacher had lots of glowing things to report about our guy. He has many friends and seems to just get along wherever he goes. He is our night owl and the kid could go on about 5 hours a sleep a night. He is a lover of all things stuffed animals too and sleeps with about 100 at night. He is a big fan of Daddy and is his constant companion.

Caroline..5 and nearly a half. Caroline just lost her first tooth! As I mentioned in another post, her vision is our latest issue. We're going to Ann Arbor and she will be wearing a patch starting next month. Caroline's asthma has been very well controlled this winter and for that we're very grateful! Maybe last year's winter of sickness built the middle sister's immunity? Caroline loves school and excels at it. Favorite past times include coloring, painting, drawing, having mommy spell out letters for her so she can write letters, stories, etc. She still goes to speech therapy twice a week at school and I have to say when she finally loses her lispy way of talking I will be one sad mommy. Things you may hear her say include, " Oh man!" when she is exasperated by not getting her way. " " I weally don't like"..insert pretty much every food except turkey hotdogs, bananas, grapes, bologna or Oreoes! Caroline continues to be very allergic to peanut and eggs which means she is always packing some oreos and an epi-pen , like any good anaphylaxic should!The girl loves "homework" oh dear Lord please let this continue! She also brought home a great report card. Caroline started gymnastics in the Fall and will be in her first recital in June. Still spunky, still sweet, that's Caroline!

Ellie, 2 and our little boo boo! (Our favorite nickname for her!) She loves keeping up with her big brother and sister. Ellie adores going to daycare three days a week while mommy is at school and internship. She is learning all about numbers, letters, the weather and about GOING POTTY. Mommy loves that part!! In January Ellie moved to a classroom with older kids and has done great with the change. Last week she started speech therapy and wouldn't you know it she has begun talking more and more. Her favorite things to say are, " I want mo!" I want Daddy or mommy" or whatever she wants at that given moment! She is social and sweet and well, we think pretty darn cute too!

So there you have it, or I guess, there I have it. What my kids are up to and like on 2/6/12!

Sweet baby browns

Caroline's eyes are beautiful. They are a dark, chocolately brown and big and she has the longest, most luscious eyelashes a girl could want for. They are straight from her Daddy and thank goodness she inherited them because they would certainly be wasted on a boy. Something else our middle gal inherited from someone, somewhere is her lazy eye and misallingmnet. We noticed this when Caroline was just a little baby, not even nine months old. We freaked out because for about 48 hours we were very worried that our girl could maybe have something worse than a lazy eye.
Caroline has been wearing glasses since she was 10 months old. They are definitely a part of her. When she awakens in the morning she almost immediately asks, "Where are my glasses?!" Even in the midst of the fiercest temper tantrums, the kind that end with Caroline exhausted and asleep in her bed, there you will find her glasses, folded and neatly placed next to her weary head. We've been seeing a pediatric opthomologist in Grand Rapids from the beginning. Although his personality can be strange, I have felt that we've been in good hands. He is conservative and certainly doesn't rush to surgery. But after yesterdays apt, in which I sensed a bit of alarm in the lack of control we have over amblyopia, I have decided to seek a second opinion. For those of you who don't know what amblyopia and strabismus are here is some information:

Amblyopia occurs when the nerve pathway from one eye to the brain does not develop during childhood. This occurs because the abnormal eye sends a blurred image or the wrong image to the brain.

This confuses the brain, and the brain may learn to ignore the image from the weaker eye.

Strabismus is the most common cause of amblyopia. There is often a family history of this condition.

The term "lazy eye" refers to amblyopia, which often occurs along with strabismus. However, amblyopia can occur without strabismus and people can have strabismus without amblyopia.

Caroline has both amblyopia in her left eye and strabismus in both eyes. Yesterday's screening alarmingly showed that we do not have good control of the amblyopia in her left eye. Her vision, even with correction, is not good. So in April we will go to Ann Arbor and get opinion from another expert. We want to cover all our bases. We want Caroline to have the best possible eyesight. Bonus is there a Trader Joe's in Ann Arbor! You know me, always able to find the silver lining in any eye crisis:)!

Ho hum

I don't really feel like writing about the fast. But here is where I am...
1. No pop
2. Had one cup of coffee, felt wretched and am seriously considering giving up coffee for good.
3. Praying every morning and did my devotional three days but still not in the Bible every day!
4. Doing a great job of drinking lots of water each day
5. Eating a ton more veggies and lean meats and overall healthier
6. Still falling victim to the occasional cookie or two.

God is working on me in many ways right now. I went back to my old church today and am most likely going to stay there for awhile. I am focusing on all the great things and people that our church has to offer and praying about and for the things I don't care much for and people I could go without dealing with. I met with Nicole this Friday night and we had a great talk about praying for people who have hurt you or that you just plain don't like. GULP! I will totally admit that I am not a fan of thinking nice things about people that have hurt me. But guess what, God does and He does care if I sow bitterness in my heart and soul. So, as Nicole said so eloquently, I am going to "fake it till I make it!"
Goals for this week,
1. No coffee or pop
2. Devotional, prayer and Bible reading time EVERY day!
3. Make a list of who I need to be praying for that has hurt me.
God is Good...Have a Blessed week and for the love..comment! I need some comment loving people!
S

A week in..

A week into the fast a few things have become evident to me..
1. I have barely any willpower
2. I can still offer my first fruits.
Are you like, "What? What is a first fruit?" Basically its giving God your BEST not your half hearted attempt. A few days into the fast I realized that I should probably add some more proteins into the mix due to my gastric bypass and inability to absorb all the nutrients I eat. I have remained very strong in my resolve to not have pop or coffee. I also have been strict about the candy. I have had some treats but an overall eating healthy at every meal and not snacking. The devotionals from the Daniel Fast have been good but sadly I am STILL not doing DAILY devotionals. The new plan is to set my alarm for 6 a.m. every morning and do it. This has been my goal MANY, MANY, MANY times before. I hope that the difference is that through this past week, I have learned that there is time and there is a DIFFERENCE when I start my day with God.
Not having any willpower has sucked in a variety of ways. Namely, that I think its influenced my modifications. I simply can't hack a strict eating regime right now. It is hard enough to have three or four things on my "No-no" list. My attempts at modifications feel a bit like if you fall off the side of a cliff and you find yourself hanging on with two hands to the side. You're just glad both your hands are hanging on! I feel like if I added something it would the straw that broke the camels back and there I would tumble..down, down the side of the cliff into a big lake of "coffee, pop, oreos and hershey kisses."
One could certainly argue that modifying a fast isn't fasting at all. I argue not and here is where the first fruits part comes into play. The Daniel Fast devotional talks, on the first day, about how God is pleased when we offer him our best. There are plenty of examples of how when people in the Bible offer their shabby seconds God pretty much takes GREAT offense. There is certainly something to be said about that. After all HE offered His only SON that whoever believes in HIM shall have ETERNAL life. That is what I think is the main point of doing a fast, recognizing that I don't offer my BEST, everyday to God. I almost always go with the second fruit, and that is being generous. I will begin this week with adding back the resolution not to have any sweets like candy, cookies, cake, etc. I can do that. There is no reason why not and anything less would certainly not be a first fruit offering.
Also, I am determined to get myself on a daily quiet time regime. I think the first week has given me the incentive needed to make this a reality.
I think that God respects that I have at least started to live a more disciplined and spiritual life but I know he wants more of me. I have learned this week that I am ill equipped spiritually to handle pretty much anything. That is a frightening feeling and the catalyst I need to change and become well equipped spiritually.
So, the goals for this week are to
1. GET up at 6am every morning and spend 20 minutes at least with God
2. Continue with the fasting I have been doing.
3. Not eat any sweets...
One week at a time, baby!

Godronically!!

We're all headed back to school on Monday. This semester should be a little less hectic than last for a few reasons. One, I only have three classes. Two, I don't have a psychotic professor like I did last semester. I have never been so happy to be out of a class! I headed back to my internship last week after a two week break and it felt good to be back. Matthew and Caroline are less than enthusiastic about going back to school. I have mixed emotions. I miss my school friends but am not excited for homework and never ending lists of things to do. I am ready to have a routine again.
In other big news, I am starting the Daniel Fast tomorrow. It is a 21 day fast where no meats, processed foods, coffee or tea or dairy is allowed. I bought the book and went to the grocery store to buy all the stuff one needs to eat properly. Ironically, or perhaps not so ironically but Godronically, yes that is my very own made up word, I tried a new church today that talked specifically about goal making and setting. I went with Caroline and Ellie b/c Jeff and Matthew had hockey. Don't even get me started on that! I really felt it was an affirmation of how God feels about me embarking on this goal and in this journey of trying to get my FAITH and SPIRITUAL life in order. It is my ONLY goal for 2012. For when you are right with God, you are right with everything else, well everything that matters anyways.
I know some of the next 21 days are going to suck. I mean the thought alone of 21 days without coffee want to make me cry. I wish that the thought of not opening my Bible in much longer than 21 days made me cry because it should. It should bring me to my knees. I KNOW that being without coffee will bring me to my knees and I guess that is the point. I will blog more regularly during this so follow along or JOIN me!!:) Happy Fasting!

2011 wrap up

I can hardly believe that today is New Years Eve. It seems like we were just here, only it was 2010:)! I thought I would do a wrap up because lately when I read back on past year's posts I think, "Thank goodness I wrote that down because I would never remember!"
It's been a big year for us in many ways. One of which was me going back to get my MSW at Western. It has been a wonderful decision. I love the work-family balance. I love having something for myself and being able to add something through my work at the Borgess Neuro Rehab, to others lives. I have been stretched and tested and come out better educated, firmer in my faith and clearer on where I stand politically. I have seen even more how great of a dad and supportive of a husband that Jeff is. I have met new friends and realized new dreams for myself and my family.
The kids have had many changes this year too. They went from being at home with mommy all the time to going to school everyday, for Matthew and Caroline, and going to daycare three days a week. That has also been good as it gives them opportunities to socialize with more children and have fun playing and learning. Ellie has thrived in these past months and we're blessed to have wonderful ladies providing stellar care for her. They truly love her and care for her as if they were related to her.
Some things have been challenging for us in 2011. I have realized, through being busier, that some activities and friendships, weren't meant to be. This has been bittersweet. Its always sad to have parts of your life and people who you thought you'd always be close with and that were so ingrained in who you were, not play as much of a role. We have also fallen away from regular church going which I am not proud to admit. There are a variety of factors that have lead to this. One is that I am just not feeling as tied to our church. There isn't any one thing that I can specifically name for why I feel like this. I am sure not going isn't helping at all. That is one goal I have for 2012, to change this as I feel its paramount to a strong faith. As always, with my daily quiet times and Bible reading, I have had good months and bad months and sadly, more bad months. I hope to have more good months and consistency with quiet times in 2012!
In the workout/eating right department, overall, I have been successful. I lost some weight and rarely miss a week where I haven't worked out at least once or twice. A goal of mine for 2012 is to increase working out to at least three days a week and to finally run that gosh darn 5K!
Our home got its lovely makeover, thanks to my awesome friend Nicole, in July and I am proud to say we've maintained the organization she set up. It has been the greatest blessing!
Overall, 2011 was a great year full of God's blessings. We're thankful and hope to make the changes necessary to have 2012 be even better for us and to glorify God. I can't think of a better New Year's resolution!
Happy New Year!

Wendy

Once upon a time I was a babysitter for a family in the town I grew up in. I remember details of random things, its important to remember that, because I am sure as you read this you will be like, "How did you remember that?" Anyways, one family for which I did a lot of babysitting was the Thomson family. The dad of the family is Kip and he worked with my dad. The mom is Wendy and from the moment you meet this wonderful lady you're smitten. She oozes with niceness and all things "fun mom". The kids at the time I began were Ryan and Heidi. They were three and four when I started babysitting them. Over the next couple of years two additional children, Kelly and Scott were added to the Thomson clan. This is where my freakish memory comes into play, I remember that Wendy wanted more kids and I kind of got the idea that Kip was probably o.k. with three. Wendy decided to leave it up to God and I assume Kip did too and soon God decided that Scott should be a part of this family.
I remember that the Thomsons were very involved with their church. Their faith was important. They were involved in Men's Bible study, Couple's Bible study and Mom's Bible study. They seemed to be new in their faith and were learning all they could.
As a mom, Wendy was such an example to me. I remember her getting down and playing with the kids. She seemed to truly love being a mom to her four children. She loved watching them learn and grow and encouraged that daily. Her house was fun! I loved talking to Wendy and would spend many minutes after they arrived home just chatting with her. I never felt rushed out. I felt very strongly that she appreciated me and what I brought to her family through my babysitting their children. I remember having a falling out with another mom who I babysat for. It was an unfortunate set of circumstances and I felt horrible about what this women was telling people about me. Wendy took the time to call me and express how much she appreciated me. It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.
I went on to graduate from MSU and move to Chicago. The Thomsons moved to Houston for Kip's job. For a short time, my parents lived there as well. The last time I saw Kip and Wendy was at my Dad's retirement party. It was so good to see them and find out what the kids were up to.
With the dawn of Facebook I have been fortunate to reconnect with Wendy. Her children are now 21,20, 16 and 14, I think. They have all grown into beautiful children on the inside and outside. They all have strong faiths. Ryan,the oldest, writes a blog that is so impressive. I really have enjoyed reading his entries and wrote Wendy about how proud she must be to have such great kids. She wrote back, humble as ever, thanking me but ultimately giving all the glory to God. I have learned through FB that she is involved in ministry at her church with the teens. Whatever stage she is in of life, Wendy has always sought to glorify and honor God.
A few weeks ago, Wendy had a brain stem stroke. She has been in the ICU for over two weeks but recently has been transferred to the stroke floor because she is improving. I know from my work in the Neuro Rehab that Wendy's journey in her recovery will be filled with all sorts of emotions. Rehabing is hard work. Its physical and emotional and tough. I am prayerful and confident that she will be surrounded by a team of therapists and nurses and doctors who will serve her in a wonderful way. I know from my own observations that once people settle in and learn to get used to the rehab way of life, that they truly begin to thrive. More important, I know that Wendy and Kip and the Thomson children will be able to reap what they have sown all these years. The wonderful thing about having a well established faith is that it gives you a remarkable foundation on which to pull yourself up. God will give the grace and power to literally have Wendy stand again, talk again, serve again. He will sustain the kids, who despite their ages, still need their mom. I know God will do great things through Wendy and her story. Once again, I turn to Ephesians 3:20 for comfort, knowing that "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us"
I believe that and know that God has great plans for Wendy and her sweet family. I have always been honored to know and love this family. It is honor to lift them in prayer in their greatest time of need. You can do it Wendy!!

Wisdom from the Grinch...

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be so?
"It came without ribbons. It came without tags.
"It came without packages, boxes or bags."
And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps... means a little bit more!."

Dr. Seuss - How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

Enough said..Merry Christmas! Be Blessed in the New Year and take time to enjoy all the things in your life you could never get in a store. Family, friends, good health, faith, fellowship.

Customer Service

I feel like customer service has really taken a hit from the blah economy. It seems that many people who work in service jobs such as waitresses, cashiers and store clerks seem very disgruntled to say the least. Usually I just ignore it and move on with my life. A few weeks ago, however, while doing some very early morning shopping at Meijer (we're talking before sunrise kind of early shopping) I decided enough was enough.
Let me back up a little to explain the situation. I went to Meijer at 6a.m. one early Saturday morning. My weeks are so busy now a days, with school and internship, that I usually put off big Meijer trips until the weekends. So there I am, at Meijer, at the crack of dawn and shopping merrily. Once my cart was full of the Simpson household necessities, I attempted to find a check out line. There were none to be had. Apparently Meijers thinks that the early morning shoppers only want the self checkout option. NOT me! I would rather get a flu shot than deal with the self checkout, "No item in bagging area" have to wait for CASHIER ASSISTANCE crap. I asked a lady donned in the Meijer red if she was opening a lane, to which she just answered with a grunt. Was that a "Yes, I am opening lane 2?" or " Hell no find yourself another employee?" I stood there awkwardly for about a minute and then she waved me over exasperatedly. Like I should have known all along that was what the grunt meant. As I am frantically loading the belt in attempts to not further irritate the cashier, I decide this is a bunch of crap. Why am I being treated like this? All I am trying to do is buy groceries!! If this women doesn't want to be here maybe she should get a new job. These are just some of the mean and nasty thoughts that were racing through my head. I then decide that I am not just going to think these thoughts, I am going to tell the manager about this cashiers crappy attitude. Then she says a simple sentence, "So, how are you today?" I was taken a back. Here we were, a good ten minutes into a very awkward and unpleasant exchange and now it was headed somewhere else. This was the week before Thanksgiving so I answered back with, "So are you ready for Thanksgiving?" Then the cashier proceeded to tell me about how she finds both Thanksgiving and Christmas very difficult since her mother passed away a few years ago. Her mother had always made both the meals and since her death, this women, the cashier at Meijers that I was hell bent on reporting to her manager, was struggling.
We went on to have a very pleasant conversation. I expressed my sympathies and we ended up joking about the holiday rush and believe it or not..grouchy people.
I left Meijer as the sun was rising feeling very strongly that God was teaching me a lesson on an early Saturday morning in the grocery store. He was showing me to be careful how I judge others and what I am assuming through their behaviors. If I had just barreled on with my decision to inform this lady's manager about her less than jovial customer service, it would have made a difficult day in a grieving daughter's life all that more miserable. Thankfully something made my heart soften and to sense there was something beneath the grouchy, uninterested exterior.
These types of moments make me so grateful and thankful for the Holy Spirit's prompting to do and say and be like Jesus would be. To not make the world revolve around me and my needs but to show those who are hurting and in need that HE knows and HE cares. Even at Meijer at 6a.m.

Top Ten Thankful Thanksgiving List

I have done this list every year for awhile now. Here is what I am thankful for this year..

10. Our new flat screen t.v. We had the old school one for so long. I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do. Bonus is that it was gifted to us!
9. Having 67 Gilmore Girls dvr'd ,so that at a moments notice I am able to enjoy some witty banter and relax.
8. Living in a great neighborhood where the kids have great friends, you get a jump when your minivan dies in your driveway or your half way through baking a cake and realize your missing half the ingredients.
7. Pioneer Women. This women and her blog www.pioneerwomen.com have transformed my meal planning. It may have also inadvertantly added a few lbs!
6. Having my home transformed this summer by my wonderful friend, Nicole. Six months later and we're still organized and blessed everyday because of her kindness.
5. Sallie Mae for loaning me money to go back to get my MSW. I feel like I found the missing piece of the puzzle through this journey and am so happy to be in school.
4. Wee Care for providing my children with loving childcare. Words could never express the peace of mind in knowing that your children are being well taken care of and loved when your not able to be with them.
3. An amazing husband that continues to love me, support me and be the best father a child could ever want.
2. A wonderful extended family of moms, dads, aunts, uncles, sister, brother and cousins. Whether it's the helping with the kids, bringing you down when your irritated and you need a voice of reason or having fun on vacations at Silver Lake and Wisconsin water parks.
1. Jesus. Words could never begin to express my thankfulness.
We are blessed.
Have a wonderful Turkey Day. The Simpsons will be in Chicago feasting with my family. We're looking forward to it!!
Gobble Gobble!!

No title

I have no title. Just felt like blogging. Thanks to those of you who emailed me! I will be making it private sooner than later. It has been interesting to me as I have quit Facebook how blogs in general are getting to be annoying and problematic to me. After the blogger I mentioned in my last post deleted my comment, I was more than just a little irritated. I wanted to write back and say so many things that really in the end would do nothing that would glorify God. I am seeing this more and more in the world of blogging. Not only completely ridiculous posts of half naked bloggers, primped up kids, cats and dogs and mean, spiteful, hateful comments. All of the blogs I read have a Christian undertone. All of them proclaim to be Christian, but more often than not, their words, their lives, and certainly the comments their posts generate are negative!!!
In my quiet times I have been led to cut these blogs out of my life. It can be a struggle because what can I say, I am drawn to the drama.
Over all all this review of my computer habits has really made me evaluate my own blogging. I want to blog for three reasons:
1. To document these precious days of my little ones that will all too soon be gone.
2 To document our lives in general and how we are making it, day by day, through the grace of God.
3. To glorify God.
AMEN!

Private

Today I had something happen that really irritated me. I was reading a blog of someone I barely know. She has a blog and has gone to great lengths to make this blog widely read. She didn't realize the implications of trying to make her blog popular and found out that her private pictures, which she posted on her blog, had been used on someone else's blog. That is creepier than creepy. I made a comment on her blog stating that it was unfortunately a casualty of having a blog that is widely read. Now I ask you, Was that offensive of me? The blogger thought so, deleted my comment and then accused me of bringing negativity into her life. Whatever. I intended no ill will. To me that is basic blogger 101. If you type it, post it and don't own it, copyright it you're opening yourself up to that type of creepiness.
All of this prompted me to consider something I thought about awhile ago..to make my blog private. There once was a time that I hoped for lots of readers and comments. Those days are past. I am writing this for my kids, my family and myself. I want to know who is reading this. So, if you would like to continue reading please email me at sazzaro@hotmail.com and I will add you to my list.
Thanks...
Susan

I'm loving it....

Lately I have that snappy little McDonald's jingle in my head. What am I loving you may be asking yourselves? LIFE! I haven't been this happy and satisfied with my life in a long time. The balance between school and kids and just life in general is going great. I love having the entire weekend through Tuesday, to be with the kids and Jeff, catch up on homework, clean, grocery shop and do the stay at home mom thing and then Wednesday through Friday is school and internship. The balance has made me so much more patient and content in nearly every area. The Facebook break has allowed me to focus more time on quiet times with God, reading books with the kids and just catching up on stuff that needs to get done. Being at a secular school has allowed me to exercise my ability to be bold and intentional in my faith. In fact, I am making quite a name for myself as a conservative Christian on campus:). Funny because in most other circles I tend to be the liberal one.
This morning I took Ellie to the library to play and for the toddler story time. We had such a great time. It made me realize how much I was missing out while I was forcing myself to be at home full time. I haven't really enjoyed kid related activities for some time. I am glad that I didn't waste all of the precious time I have with my kids and that we're making our way, day by day, to a happier place.
Fall is finally here and I am glad. I hate to see Summer go but it is always nice to welcome a new season. Especially Fall! I love crock pot dinners, soups and stews, apples, pumpkins, Halloween and Thanksgiving. This year we're heading to my parents in Chicago. My sister's family will be there too. Lots of fun stuff going on in our world! Hope your enjoying your family and the Fall!!

Caroline is 5!

I can't believe it. I know I say that all the time when the kids have a birthday but really, this time, I mean it!! It doesn't seem possible that we've had five years of that little spit fire! I love her so, so much even on her most demanding days. I love that she knows her mind, she is creative, she is energetic, she is loyal, she is like me in so many ways. I think that has always been the true source of contention between us, on the days when we get the best of each other. Seeing someone who came from you, exhibit your strengths and weaknesses, is humbling to say the least! Caroline's smile melts my heart and brightens the dreariest of days. Her lisp and way of talking is so very sweet and even though I am thrilled at the accomplishments she has made in regards to her speech, I admit I will be sad to hear her babyish was of speaking go by the wayside.
Caroline started Young Fives this year and loves going to school everyday. She loves her teacher and has made some special friends. While Matthew and Ellie struggled with the adjustment to daycare, for Caroline its been a breeze. She loves her neighbor girlfriends, especially Daphnee, Roxanne and Avery and Makenna. As I mentioned before, Caroline is creative and is a talented artist. She could spend hours coloring. She likes music and dancing and performing.
The conversation we had tonight before bed sums it all up to me,
"Caroline, what little almost five year old does mommy love best?"
Flashes her baby browns and that giant smile and says happily, "Me, Sweet Carowine!"
Happy 5th Birthday to the sweetest Caroline of all!

Leading on Empty

I read this on another blog that I read and I just loved it. It is a prayer that speaks so much to me in this current season of life...


May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, hard hearts, half-truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live from deep within your heart where God's Spirit dwells.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world and in your neighborhood, so you will courageously try what you don't think you can do, but in Jesus Christ you'll have the strength necessary to do.

May God bless you so you remember we are all called to continue God's redemptive work of love and healing in God's place, in and through God's name, in God's Spirit, continually creating and breathing new life and grace into everything and everyone we touch.

Indiana Jones...

Matthew is obsessed with all things Indiana Jones, Star Wars and Harry Potter. In that order. He has especially taken to Harrison Ford and one of his life ambitions is to meet him. I didn't have the heart to crush his little spirit and tell him that there was probably a 2%chance that he would ever meet him. And who knows? Maybe he will meet Harrison Ford someday. He is going to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He already has the hat and wears it all the time.
Last night my brother was in town for business. Matthew loves Uncle Mike. No, adores is really more the word. I think its mostly because my brother is so hands on with my kids. He spent like a half an hour reading books to them before bed, wrestled with them and played Wii. Matthew was wearing his Star Wars helmet that annoys the crap out of me. You press a button on it and it repeats the same four phrases over and over! He was excited to show it and kept pressing it. I asked him to stop and he didn't. I yelled at him. Then my brother said something that really resonated with me. He said to enjoy the days of little boys wearing Star Wars helmets, dancing adorably around the living room to the themes songs and snuggling with their uncle.Because it will be gone before I know it. In its place will be a moody, awkward teenager who says, "Whatever mom, I am going to my room" Hopefully not, but you never know. Who would have thought that my baby brother would be the source of wisdom on parenting in my life? Not me!!
Point of this post...Yes kids can be annoying and their toys DEFINITELY can be annoying but they're also so stinkin adorable and little for such a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things so snuggle them up, read to them and pretend like meeting Harrison Ford is certainly possible!

Obedience

So last night I deactivated me Facebook account. It has been a long time coming, this decision. What it really is all about is being obedient to the God I love and whose grace I bask in daily. The thing about the grace is I have fear I have come to take it for granted. I say I will change, I promise to do better and then DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it. I don't make the tough changes that need to take place. I am sick of that and I am sick of KNOWING I am missing out on the better way of living. I know obedience and living in accordance with God's will bring that better way of living and being in this world and hopefully will spill over to other's lives around me.
I am working with Nicole, the same fabulous lady who helped me with my house makeover, as a lifecoach. She asked me if I would enter into a lifecoach relationship with her for a class she is taking and I said, "Sure!" Little did I know how much I was about to be stretched! The first meeting she asked me where I felt God was asking me to grow. I immediately knew that my issue was with FB and that I needed to not just take a break but needed to quit it for a specific amount of time. I decided that I will not be back on it until after the school semester ends in December. I will reevaluate the decision and where I feel God is leading then.
This being the first 24 hours sans Facebook have been very difficult, more than I was anticipating! I am such a junkie!! I say this laughing but its not that funny. I spent way too much time and thought on FB. If I put half of much effort into other relationships, namely my one with God, I would be so blessed. So that's exactly what I intend on doing. Quiet times and snuggle time with my babies, study time and couple time. One thing I know for sure is being obedient sure is tough but there is no place I would rather be.

And we're off....

To the races...well, no, not really. But it certainly has felt like that these past two weeks. I started full time school and internship two days a week and Matthew and Caroline both started school. Matthew has a freshly graduated teacher and she seems to be great. Caroline has the teacher who Matthew had last year for Young Fives and is enjoying it. I think she was a bit taken aback that she would be going everyday considering last year it was only two days a week, but she is adjusting. Ellie is not adjusting as well as I would have hoped at daycare. She is really missing her mommy and crying a lot. I feel horrible about it. I know that it will take some getting use to but it is hard to see her little tear stained cheeks at the end of the day. And me? Well, I am LOVING grad school so far. I really feel like I made the best decision. I love all of my classes and although I have only had two days of internship under my belt, I love that too. My field instructor is a great teacher and a skilled social worker so it really makes the whole situation ideal. It has been strange to realize how much I missed practicing social work. For so much of my life I felt like my calling was to be a full time stay at home mom. But, as time went on, I realized that wasn't my calling and in fact, it was the cause of much of my unhappiness and frustrations. That was hard to come to terms with and to reconcile. I think it will always be a struggle to balance it all. Work, children, marriage, me, friends, etc. It's a lot of pressure, to get it right. I am just beginning to navigate that world but so far I find the challenge to be doable and not overwhelming.
Jeff has been great about helping get the kids ready for school, taking Ellie to daycare on my internship days and allowing me time to study. We're off on this new journey and loving it!!

September 11th

Tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary of September 11th. I have heard several people say that no one who has the ability to recollect can forget where they were that awful day. I certainly have vivid memories of that day. In fact, it is as clear to me in this moment, as it was ten years ago.

I was fed up with social work and the daily grind and despair that type of work brings. I was even more fed up with the completely out of control office manager who was intent of ruining my life. So I basically up and quit. First I called a nanny agency and interviewed and got a nanny job. I began the job about a week before September 11th. The job was for two families. Each had a little girl who was 2.5 years old, Sophia and Jordan. Jordan's mom was a law professor at U of Chicago and had to go to Harvard, I think for a couple of weeks, and so they were gone and I was at Sophia's home watching her. This was nice because Sophia's parents lived much closer to me. I remember arriving to their apartment and the news was on for some reason. I find this recollection strange b/c these parent's weren't the kind that allowed their daughter to watch morning news programs(for good reason I might add!) Never the less, it was on and it all started unraveling before us. The first plane had already hit but they didn't know what had gone on and then just as we were watching it happened..a plane flew into the Trade Center. Before out very eyes, hundreds of miles away, the horror began to unfold. Sophia's dad, Michael left for work and I remembered thinking, "Why is he leaving?" I can't keep it together for this little girl who is old enough and verbal enough to know that something is horribly wrong. Now, having known this family for ten years I would certainly be like, "Ahh..no..your not leaving! This type of thing doesn't fall into nanny responsibility!"
He left and I was totally unsure of how to continue. I called Jeff at work, he worked in the city and I couldn't get a hold of him. Then I called my mom and my sister. We were all just trying to get a handle on what had just happened. One thing I distinctly remember is how even the news anchors seemed confused and shell shocked. At one point I began to cry and even though I did my best to try and hide it from Sophia she obviously noticed. She asked me why I was sad to which I responded that some people had made very bad choices and it caused many others to get hurt. A short time later Michael returned home and we talked about how didn't really understand what was happening. For some reason he didn't let me leave which I've never asked him about but at the time I definitely was thinking, "Dude, I want to go home!!" I still hadn't been able to get a hold of Jeff and by this time I was in total panic about it. Plus I had just met Michael and Sophia days earlier and wanted to be around people I could fully feel comfortable crying and generally freaking out around. Michael suggested that we go to the park to fly a kite. Again, I was like.."What the heck!? Fly a kite?!" So we went to the park and did fly a kite. The weather that day in Chicago was exactly the same as in New York, brilliantly sunny. As we walked to the park I noticed how eery the neighborhood felt. Completely still, barely any people were out. I remember as we were flying the kite, an airplane flew over the park. It was then that the tears I was struggling to withhold poured out. Finally Michael told me I could go and I drove home. By this time I had gotten a hold of Jeff and he was back at my apartment. We sat together and watched the coverage. There are certain images and sounds that are burned into my brain from that day. The brilliance of the blue sky, the people roaming the streets of New York covered in dirt and dust and the horrific last calls that were played from people trapped in the Trade Center. Those calls haunted and continue to haunt me. It was a depth of sorrow I have never known.
Ten years later much as changed. The world we lived in pre Trade Center was filled with an arrogance and false sense of security. I remember noticing how everyone, even the most atheist of my friend's, couldn't help but contemplate the possibility of a God. Everyone so desperately wanting to cling to something hopeful. No one wanted to be part of a world that could have such evil in it. The irony is that horrific things had happened to other people but not to us before 9/11 or at least in many minds that is how it seemed. There was certainly a solidarity among mankind and America at large that manifested a glimmer or hope.
Ten years is a long time. I hope that it always feels like it wasn't that long ago. That I am always able to honor those that lost their lives that day and continue to fight for our freedoms and protection.

Ellie

Today Ellie is 2! I can hardly believe it's been two years since that little lady came into our lives. She fits our family so well and it is hard to imagine a world without her! Ellie is a sweetie. She loves her brother and sister but can hold her own. She won't hesitate to pop you if you get in her face or in her way. Ellie is seeming to follow the speech delayed trend that the rest of the Simpson kids have been on. The one word that she has no problem saying is "NOooooooooooooooooo!" It is really quite cute. She loves to read books and color especially if she manages to finagle a marker. The girls loves markers!! She also loves marking her clothes, her hands, the table, etc. Mommy isn't quite as happy about that! Ellie loves being outside and being with the ig kids. She is especially fond of our neighbor, Sam who is 2 also! She always looks for him and points at his house looking to play with him. Ellie loves her family especially Daddy and Grandma Barb. In addition to "no" some of her other favorite words are "Ama","Mamma","Dada" and "This". We're getting her tested, again, for speech and hope she qualifies this time.
Ellie is embarking on a new adventure this fall. She is going to daycare three days a week because mommy is going back to school for her MSW. She tried it out last week for two days and really enjoyed it. She loves to play with the other kids and was exhausted by the end of the two days!! We're hoping she has lots of fun and learns things too. Like how to share!! That is one thing she doesn't really like to do. But hey,what two year old likes to share!?
To celebrate Ellie's 2nd birthday we're having a small celebration tonight with a dinner that Grandma Barb and Papa Burt are coming to. Mommy made a cherry chip cake. Next weekend is the real party with all of the family. Even Grandma Betsy and Papa Lenny are coming. Rumor has it Aunt Jenn, Uncle Keith, Clair and Patrick might come b/c they live closer now that they are living back in Detroit.
We love our little girl with many names. Some of her nicknames are: Ellie Bellie, Ooga(Caroline only calls her this!), Boo-Boo, Bada boo boo, and if she is really being a stinker she might hear her full name..Elizabeth Jane!!
We love you Ellie!! Happy 2nd birthday!

The God in You..

The God in you helps you bear up under pressure better than most who don't
know Him. The God in you makes you love your enemy. The God in you shields
you from all hurt, harm and danger. The God in you has you laughing when
others would be frowning. The God in you helps you see your way out of no
way. The God in you puts your feet on solid ground. The God in you opens
doors when they should be shut! The God in you gives you peace in the mist
of the storm. The God in you won't let you down, He'll build you up! The
God in you never fails. You are different, because of the God in you. The
God in you hides you in His arms. The God in you quiets the raging storm.
The God in you is a strong tower. The God in you helps to light up your
path. The God in you will keep you until the day of completion. The God in
you sees you for you are and still loves you. He is amazing. You are
blessed!

The final stretch...

Summer is coming to a close in these parts. The kids,well at least Mattthew and Caroline and Mommy:), start school in a little under three weeks. Before we begin the new routine/insanity that will be our Fall, we're heading to Pittsburgh. Why Pittsburgh you may be asking yourself?
Well, the thing is both of my parents were born and raised in Pittsburgh. They were high school sweethearts! My mom's sister and my dad's brother still live there. I have four cousins that still live there and my cousin who lives in New Jersey will be coming in next weekend for my cousin's son's birthday..are you still following me? Anywhoo..I have been wanting to go there for a long time. Six years to be exact because the last time I was there was when my paternal grandmother died. It's been far too long and I my family to know THEIR family.
We're (Matthew,Caroline and I) are heading out early Friday morning. I am sure the ride will be nostalgic for me as I made the trek there when I was a girl every summer. I have wonderful memories of visiting grandparents and cousin and of FLUFFED ham and WISE potato chips!! Seriously, that stuff is like crack to me. I hope to hook up with all of the cousins from both sides of my family while I am there. I am praying that Matthew and Caroline don't drive me insane in the car. They aren't the best travelers. I am expecting lots of fun and memory making on this final trip we're about to embark on. I know Ellie and Daddy will have lots of fun hanging back here in Michigan. Maybe next time they can join us.
Hope your last minute summer plans go just as you plan!!

Know God

Today I went to a funeral for a women I have never met. I know her mom and dad through church. Her dad is one of the most giving, caring, live for CHRIST and have that contagious desire to get to know Him better vibe going. So, even though I didn't know Peggy, I know Mike and his wife and their other kids so I went to show that I care. It was a wonderful celebration of a life that yes was haunted with some addiction demons, but one that ultimately knew the greatest truth of all..The Christ died for her sins. Many family members got up to speak about her and all of the fun and laughter she brought to their lives. Our pastor spoke about how Romans speaks about once we know God nothing can ever separate us from the love and grace of God. He also spoke about how it was a struggle for Peggy to surrender her pain and struggles to God even though she believed in Him.
The most profound sentence of the morning came right at the beginning of service from Mike himself. It was a simple sentence.."KNOW GOD!" He said, with such urgency, that this is really what it all comes down to. If we KNOW God, the rest is so much easier. If we KNOW God, that means we're SEEKING Him more, wanting for others to KNOW him too. If we KNOW Him it does become easier for the Holy Spirit to permeate all the pores of our lives that need the refashioning and molding.
I left the funeral feeling like I knew Peggy and many of the wonderful gifts she blessed those who knew and loved her with. I also left feeling convicted to continue on my own quest to KNOW God and to be intentional about making sure others want to KNOW too!

The dog days

The dog days of summer are certainly in full force here in Michigan. It always surprises me how different Summer can be in this Great Lake state of ours. I have many memories of cool,almost downright chilly summers here and then there are Summers like the one we're currently enduring which is down right hot! I am not a huge fan of super hot, super humid weather. In fact I would take a 20 degree, snowy day over it in a heartbeat. Take for example today. I decided to be the "good" mommy and haul all three kids over to a local park for an animal show. It is about 95 degrees and horridly humid here today. I decided to take Ellie with us and all the could go wrong, did. There was miscommunication between the library and the presenter. This caused about a thirty minute delay in the performance. The guy also thought he'd be inside which is better for his animals so half of his animals barely came out of their cages. Did I also mention that due to the large crowd that came out to see this man, they moved us all in the blaring hot sun?! We ended up leaving early because we were all puddling and the presentation kind of lost us without any animals!
I realized in this moment of frustration and irritation how blessed I am. Sure it was an annoying couple of hours but at the end of the day it was pretty funny how stinking hot we all were. Plus the slushies and diet cokes we were rewarded with from Sonic soon made our heat exhaustion a distant memory. I am thankful for the mundane. For being blessed to be irritated by truly trivial occurrences. Thankful for three beautiful children who yes, whined and cried so much today that I thought I might be committed for a few hours. But who also belt out, "My God is so Great!" with such enthusiasm that you can hardly stand it. I have a little boy who loves to learn about the tiny details of everything and has a giant heart for others. Last, but certainly not least, a little girl who is nearly two who walks around with her blond, yes, blond mop of hair and shakes her head feverently and says..."No!!" but also gives the best.hug.ever!
As I have begun my MSW progrm this summer, I have been re-introduced to the world that makes up social services. One word..DEPRESSING. It already has made me cherish the normalcy that is my life. This week I have read several things that have giving me glaring perspective. One of which was a post from Shelly Buck on her blog about the 6th anniversary of the death of her daughter, Ava. It was eloquent and heart wrenching to read but it spoke such truth to me about how lucky I am. How lucky we all are really to love and serve a God who serves us and our every need. In every circumstance my God is there. He meets us whether we're literally in the depths of despair. grieving so deeply we're not sure that we can go on for one more day. But also for those of us who outwardly have it all together but inside feel like sometimes we can't go on for one more day. Don't freak out..I am not saying that I literally feel like that. Sometimes the daily grind just literally starts to GRIND on you is all I am saying. The past few weeks I have made a concerted effort to have daily, early morning quiet times with God. It has made all the difference. I feel like when I do that I literally can feel God within me. I can go to Him and lean on Him much more readily than when I skip it or choose some other activity instead. I am feeling very convicted about several "time suckage" issues I have. I am praying that God would clearly reveal to me those areas in which I need to consider giving up. I am sorry to say there are several things in my life that certainly aren't edifying to me or doing anything to help me grow closer to God.
So..I started talking about my hot, crappy day and ended up talking about God. Well..where the Spirit leads...