1.6 cm

Who would have ever thought that something as tiny as 1.6cm would cause me SUCH GRIEF!! It all started in April when I had my yearly physical and told my doctor that I thought it would be a good idea to have a colonoscopy. I had one back in my early twenties and was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. I have had symptoms off and on over the years, more off than on. My doctor agreed and ordered it. I was surprised that I didn't have to meet with the gastroenterologist. The office simply scheduled the procedure. I had that done at the end of April. After it was done the doctor said that my colon was fairly twisty and he could not see all of it with the scope and so he wanted me to have a CT scan which I had in early May. I heard nothing and in an uncharacteristic move thought, Well I guess no news is good news. That was until a week later when I received two voicemails, one from the doctor telling me I had a suspicious spot on my pancreas and another from a nurse who needed to schedule an MRI to further investigate. CUE freaking the freak out. Long story, which included such incompetence on part of the gastroenterologist's office, that I wanted to strangle their front desk staff, to an almost missed MRI due to said office's inability to get my insurance company the documentation that was needed to have the MRI approved, I was told I likely have a pancreatic endocrine tumor located in the head of my pancreas. I went to Mayo clinic this week and had prepared myself for needing to have a Whipple procedure. The surgeon I met with feels that I am a good candidate for active surveillance. Basically that means I will be scanned every 6 months to see if the 1.6 tumor grows at all.  If it does grow at all I will have to  have a Whipple. Apparently there are many of us walking around with neuroendocrine tumors, and they are grow at a slow pace. Usually. And there it is. The anxiety that I have mostly put to bed but still wants to rear its ugly head. I do not want an aggressive tumor or aggressive surgery to treat it. But, I realize, who does? The last several years have taught me nothing if that you're owed nothing and you can make all the plans you want but sometimes life gets in the way.
For now we are grateful that we can do nothing. We are back in Oakland Township and back to enjoying summer. I am back to studying for my licensing exam. We of course have grand plans to lose weight, spend more time together, and seize the day. But, the past two years have also taught me that real life gets in the way of gratitude more often than not and that it is a DAILY choice to see the goodness even when you feel down. That you have to chose the good food, the reading the book with your child over watching a movie, the date night over not talking about anything  but kids for months at a time, exercise instead of another season of Southern Charm.
I am grateful for Jeff. I have been quiet, withdrawn and moody. He has been patient, calm and steady. He is the voice of reason and calms the darkest of my fears. Our love isn't perfect, it is flawed. However with 20 plus years of relationship there is comfort in being known, and having the worst version of yourself loved. I feel like the worst version of myself has ruled "me" for awhile now. A 1.6 cm tumor has taught me that life can really come down to that. 1.6 cm's. A seemingly insignificant  amount with a huge impact on my entire life.