During this past week I have heard a friend talk about her recovery from a brain stem stroke and another lost her husband to ALS. Suffering is all around me. But, so too is real examples of faith and perseverance and living your life with the hope that you are investing in something real. Hope that this world full of suffering and loss and sin is all too temporary. Last weekend I heard my friend, who had a brain stem stroke, husband ask us what we were investing in? What do we spend our days and hours here on Earth doing? He made the point and I whole heartedly agree, that when you are faced with a crisis you will quickly learn exactly what you have invested in. Am I investing in things that are worthy? I have talked here before that in many ways, yes. I don't feel like I am messing up 100% of my life. But, when it comes to investing in my relationship with Christ? No. I always throw it to the back burner. More over, during the past year, I dare say I have blatantly turned my back on my faith in many ways. I tried to justify it by blaming church and the hypocrisy that I saw, but really it was my own sin that I was desperate to run from. Investing in crap, that's what I have been doing.
I was talking to a co-worker this week about how I got into medical social work. I said, honestly, fear. I am terrified of many of the things I help people deal with everyday. I think part of me thinks if I immerse myself in death, dying and suffering, it will never touch me. The irony of this is that I have seen both in my work as an ER social worker and certainly as a palliative care MSW that life guarantees you nothing other than that you will DIE. If a crisis hit me today I know the return on my investment with my friendships would see me through some of it. I am a good friend, for the most part (and humble too?!) But, my faith would be rattled. I simply do not have a strong enough foundation these days to sustain me through any real struggles. As I read this over I would like to go back to all of my posts over the past ten years that have related to this topic. How many have I written? Maybe a dozen!? Seriously. I have no great way to end this post. I refuse to write, once again, I am on the right path, etc, etc, If I am being honest, I am desperate for God these days and that makes me hunger for things that are worthy like reading the Bible, having quiet times, investing in things of substance. But, if I am being honest, it could all go to shit tomorrow. I am still so very real and human and sinful. Thank goodness I believe in a God that defeated sin and death and the REALNESS of this fallen world for me. Thankful and trying.