Friday, October 17, 2014


Jeff and I will be married twelve years in April. I have known him since I was 20. I can hardly wrap my mind around the fact that I have known him for twenty years. That just seems crazy. We had a horrible night a few nights ago. The kids were being shits. Sorry. but they were. They wouldn't go to bed, they were whining, it was eleven at night and I was over it. Over being a mom, over being a wife, pretty much over being a human. We both lost our tempers and I basically said, "This is not what I signed up for!" and something to the tune of "This sucks". (The tune had some more colorful words). I went up to bed, and like many nights, due to my third shift schedule, awoke at two in the morning and after tossing and turning, went down to the couch and the television. The movie, "Before Sunrise" was on. I loved that movie back in college. I swooned for Ethan Hawke and all his grunge. I wanted to meet a cute boy on a train in France and fall in love back in 1997. Instead, I met a boy from Kalamazoo in a disgusting house in East Lansing and spent many years attempting to  "convince" him that I was the one. Eventually he did discover that I was more than a friend, that he was ready for a girlfriend, that he wanted to make a life with me. The greatest gift from all those "pining" years for me, is that Jeff and I became good friends. We knew each other. We were there for each other through some difficult times. When we started dating it was almost a given that we were serious about each other and we both knew we'd eventually marry and start a family. Life twelve years later is in no way anything what I expected it to be. I thought I would love being a stay a home mom, I could not imagine wanting a career outside of "mom and wife".  I really couldn't imagine experiencing any discontent. Oh, how naive and well, I will just say it, stupid I was. People change, circumstances change, life happens. But, through it all, I will say that even on the toughest days of parenting, marriage, and hell, sometimes even existing, I love that my husband knows me better than anyone in this world. He gets me. He knows things about me that I can't and won't admit. We talk about everything, even the ugly and raw parts of our personalities.Even knowing the ugly parts, he loves me still. What a gift, what a blessing. Sometimes I find myself longing for the "Before Sunrise" moments in a relationship.  The excitement of a new relationship, discovering things about someone you don't know. But, I realize that really that comes from wanting to escape, even momentarily from the sometimes mundane parts of our life. The cleaning the house, doing the laundry, making the beds, the homework, carpooling to soccer/hockey. This season of our lives can seem like it is all about everyone but us. But, at the end of the day, when I contemplate it all, it comes back to the boy that I fell so hard for back in 1997. That boy knows me and he loves me. He puts up with a lot of crap. He had given me three beautiful children and a blessed life. He knows me. I am so grateful to be truly known and loved still.

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