As I lay awake last night praying for Jaime, the title of the this post came to me. Why was I awake in the midst of the night praying for my dear friend..b/c I found out last night that her insurance has denied them going to Ann Arbor. Its so frustrating and unfair. My heart literally felt like it was going to break for her last night. She is so overwhelmed and feeling like she isn't being able to give her baby the best possible medical care. But, then I felt like God was saying, " What if Ann Arbor isn't where I want this baby to be?" I found some comfort in this thought. That perhaps, the hospital where he will go is really where God wants him to be. That God has it all figured out and we should just pray that God's will be done.
Then I thought of my own little baby and all the anxiety that goes with wondering if everything will be ok and thought.." Don't give me anything difficult God, I don't want to grow through something like that..I might not keep the faith, so don't test me." Then I thought, " You stupid, stupid girl, you can't bargain with God, what will be will be." Don't you all wish you were sleeping next to me?:)
So, the poker face thought comes from me thinking I can not exactly let God what I am thinking. Like he doesn't know my every thought, desire, fear..etc
I remember when Josh Buck spoke at our church awhile ago about all he and his family have endured he said something that has stuck with me deeper than anything I have ever heard...He said, " God is more interested in you becoming more like Him than he is in you being happy here on this earth." Wow...pretty powerful words. And, truthfully, is exactly why believing in God scares the crap out of me. I totally admit to wanting the easy, happy, road really traveled. God, well his dosen't seem to be too fond of that way of life.
Not sure why I am posting all of this..probably b/c my friend's baby is gravely sick and his future is unknown, I hurt for her and worry that something equally crappy could one day happen to me. Maybe, just a guess..