Dang is the word that comes to my mind when I think of what I felt in church yesterday. We've been going to a new church for about two months now. The kids love it. Jeff and I have liked it. To be perfectly honest, we've been in a rut this past six months. When we left our previous church it took us awhile to get our bearings. I can't speak for Jeff, but I know that I let the irritation of why we left our last church rub like a bad blister. I just let my emotions and feelings about people and circumstances that let us down fester. I refused to pray about any of it. I wanted to be irritated. I just couldn't let it all go. I certainly had no intentions of giving it to God. Well you can guess how that ended up? With me being miserable. It's funny to me how many times a person can continue to make the same crappy decisions. How have I not learned this lesson? I can't even begin to answer it. Well, that's not true, I can. I know exactly what the problem is. If I look through previous blog posts over the last six years I am sure I will find at least 50 posts expressing these exact same sentiments. Uggh, I can barely stand myself right now!
Thankfully I was exactly where God wanted me to be yesterday. The series our Pastor is doing is called, Follow Me. Yesterday, Jeff Port talked about following God and how Satan never picks on those who aren't living up to their Christian potential. Satan knows better than to bother with people like that. Now I won't say that I am fond of the idea of Satan attacking me but when Pastor was talking, I felt such conviction. I take no chances with my faith. I live for myself. I am not overflowing with Christ. I am ill-equipped spiritually and in many other areas of my life as a result.
I won't go on and on about my plans for renewal and recommitment. I think, this time, that will remain between me and my God. I am hopeful that the convictions I felt yesterday remain shouting in my mind each morning when I am tempted to put off yet another quiet time. I am prayerful that one day of practicing good spiritual habits will turn into all of my days. I am confident that if I fill my mind and time with holy things, I will become holier.
One thought terrified me more than any other yesterday. It was that when I die and meet Jesus, He will say, " You could have done so much more for my kingdom. You had so much to give but you chose to live for yourself". Ouch.